by A. J. Pine
“Sure thing.” He didn’t smile at all this time, and she let him walk out of the room.
She ignored Spencer’s text for now and replied to Holly:
I slept with Jamie and I’m a horrible person because he’s with Liz.
Brynn knew better than to head back into the room without waiting three seconds for Holly to reply.
It only took her two.
Holly: I KNEW IT.
She couldn’t help it. Despite her warring feelings, Holly’s response made her giggle.
Brynn: You did not.
Holly: I SO DID, AND YOU KNOW IT.
Brynn: Stop yelling at me!
Holly: YOU SLEPT WITH JAMIE. I WILL NEVER STOP YELLING.
Brynn: I think I might be in love with him.
Holly: OF COURSE YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM YOU FREAKING IDIOT.
Her eyes watered as her laughter continued, and while she was grateful for Holly giving her conscience a momentary reprieve, she had to stifle herself before her emotions got carried away. Her eyes watered when she laughed, but she could feel the torrent building, the threshold where hysterical laughter turned to sobbing tears, and she was one more giggle—maybe two—away from the waterworks.
Brynn: Did you miss the part about me being a home wrecker? This is a mess with Liz and the trip and Spencer, who still thinks I’m coming, btw.
Holly: Does Jamie think you’re “coming”? LOL.
Brynn: HOLLY.
Holly: Okay. Sorry. Home wrecker. So…that part is maybe not so good? But Jamie’s relationships always seem to fizzle eventually. Maybe this is just a bigger fizzle?
Brynn: I’m a horrible person.
Her stomach lurched, and she had to look down to see if the floor had dropped out from beneath her. Nope. She was still standing, regaining her balance and perspective. This was not how she wanted to fall in love, the moment—the whole day even—tainted by the fact that what she and Jamie had done would hurt someone else.
Her phone vibrated, but it wasn’t a text this time. Holly was calling.
“Hello?” Her voice trembled a little, but it was enough for Holly to recognize.
“You’re overanalyzing, big sister.” Holly knew her so well. “Maybe things with him and Elizabeth aren’t that serious.”
She let out a bitter laugh. “He’s been with her for months, Holl. Months. Yet he said he loved me.” Her palms were sweating, making it harder to hang on to the phone. She felt a familiar panic, not unlike her behavior in the St. Louis Arch capsule. Except this time she wasn’t afraid for her life. She was afraid for her heart.
“God,” she continued. “It’s not like I’m any better. I’m traveling across the country for one guy, and I just slept with another.”
“Hey,” Holly said. “You are not a cheater. Whatever might happen with you and Spencer, it hasn’t happened yet. You did nothing wrong.”
But she had, hadn’t she? She knew Jamie was with someone else, yet she let it all happen. And as angry and confused as she was, she couldn’t help the way her body reacted to thoughts of what she and Jamie had done less than an hour ago. Yes, she let it happen, but it was the best happening she’d experienced. Ever.
Brynn shook her head. “I did,” she said, her voice flat.
Holly sighed. “This is you and Jamie, sis. Jamie. I know I’ve given you shit for years, but that’s only because nothing is more right than you two. Yes, you may have gotten off to a messy start. But think about what you found today. You’ve both just been too freaking stubborn to see it.”
Or blind, Brynn thought. Quite literally, until this morning. Now that she saw what had been in front of her the whole time, she could only fixate on what it would be like to lose it. But she smiled at the tenderness in Holly’s voice, something she knew didn’t come easily for her snarky little sister.
“Everything just happened so fast today. I need time to think. I need Jamie to give me some sort of explanation that will make this somehow okay. So…we’ll talk, I guess. Right?”
“Atta girl!” Holly said.
Brynn took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Time to walk into that dining room and face her fake husband/adulterous lover and a bunch of strangers head on. Piece of crashed-wedding cake.
“Love you, Holl.”
“Love you, Brynn. I’m gonna text Annie now and tell her everything.”
“Holly, wait!”
But she was already gone.
Chapter Twenty
Jamie sipped his beer slowly and plastered on a smile as Dora scooped a helping of chili into his bowl. The storm had passed, and the evening chill filled the room through opened windows, perfect weather for a warm meal. But Jamie felt chilled to the bone after watching Brynn lie to him.
Maybe it wasn’t an out-and-out lie, but it was one hell of an omission. He was positive she was in the hall texting Holly. They’d talked every day of the trip, sometimes more than once. But if she was texting Holly, then she also saw the text from Spencer and said nothing. He would wait her out. It wasn’t his place to bring it up and not just because he’d look like a jealous teenager. They were in public—with a bunch of strangers. He’d cut her some slack for that. But Brynn had to make a choice, which meant telling him about Spencer and what she’d decided. When they got back to the room, she’d come clean.
“Thank you,” Jamie said, as another guest—a woman his mother’s age, maybe—handed him a basket of corn bread.
Brynn walked back in the room, her eyes finding his and, man, it was hard to hold on to his doubt when she looked at him like that, like she was finally seeing what had been there between them since they met in middle school. Even when he didn’t know he loved her like this, he knew their friendship was unlike any other he’d experienced. It took puberty and a bit of wising up for his head to figure out what his heart had known all along. Then it took another decade of thinking he could protect that heart from what it felt right now.
She sat down beside him, and he smelled the clean soap mixed with her skin. All their years giving each other celebrity perfumes and colognes for Christmas, he wasn’t sure he knew what her scent was before this week. Now his sense memory was all her—the sight of her looking at him in a way that made his heart stop, the touch of her skin against his, the taste of her on his tongue. He felt consumed in a way that brought him to life and at the same time paralyzed him with fear.
The table was buzzing with conversation, which meant he could steal a private moment with Brynn.
“Everything good in Hollyland?” he asked, trying to keep his voice even.
She nodded but didn’t say anything. His instinct was to lean in and kiss her, but she backed away. The movement was slight but perceptible enough for him to notice, and doubt reared its ugly head again. After what just happened in their room, this was not a good sign. And, unfortunately, he was starting to believe in signs.
No one else seemed to notice the awkwardness between supposed husband and wife. Instead the group welcomed Brynn to the table, and she smiled at the new faces.
“How long have you two been together?” This came from the corn-bread woman.
“Did you elope?” This from Dora.
Frank chimed in. “Are you going to be making as much of a racket tonight as you did during that storm?”
Jamie was about to swallow a swig of beer but choked it back into the bottle after that one.
He threaded his fingers through Brynn’s under the table. When she didn’t retract her hand, he took it as encouragement and decided to go for broke.
“Actually,” he said, bringing her hand to his lips for a quick kiss, “we met in middle school.”
Their table mates oohed and aahed, and Brynn stayed silent, so Jamie continued.
“She was listening to the Monkees, and I thought she was insane, and that was pretty much it. Best friends ever since.”
She didn’t smile or squeeze his hand or anything that gave him the thumbs-up. It was like she was waiting for something, so he
kept going, wanting her to know not only did he love her now, but it had always been her.
“I was an idiot for a lot of years, but when we were juniors in high school, that’s when I fell hard.”
“What?” Brynn’s voice cracked on the word, and there was no going back now. He was going to lay it all out there because how could he not? “You were with Stephanie Delaney when we were juniors.”
Her eyes were wide, and maybe this was too much too soon, but he felt the clock ticking. In two days they’d be in L.A., and what happened then banked on what happened now.
“I wasn’t in love with her. It took being with her to realize that I was already with the person I loved most. She just didn’t know it.”
Her eyes welled with tears, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not.
She looked at him, at their small audience, and then at him again. He watched her piece it together, willing her to speak.
“I thought…” she finally said. “I asked you to kiss me.”
He reached for her cheek with his palm.
“No,” she said, her voice cracking. “No. We figured it out together. Just like today.”
He shook his head. “I figured it out at the reunion,” he admitted. He knew they were blowing their cover, but he didn’t care. She needed to know everything now. “I tried to tell you, but there were you and Spencer in my office.” Her eyes widened, but he kept going. “And I thought I was too late, so this trip was my last chance to tell you how I feel—to see if you might choose me, and—”
She pulled away from his touch. Okay that was a bad sign.
He watched her eyes grow distant.
The table was silent, and Jamie now wished he’d saved this conversation for when they were alone in the bedroom disguised as a garden, but he had to make it to the end of his story, or his beer was going to get warm and everyone’s chili cold.
“You lied about the trip? About wanting to take me to the book launch?” She trembled as she spoke. “You let me go on about facing my fears, about going after someone else so I could have a chance at the same happiness you found, and the whole time you’ve been plotting to get me off course? Why wouldn’t you just tell me how you felt?”
She pushed her chair from the table and stood.
“I’m sorry, Dora. Frank.” Brynn forced a quick smile, then left the room.
Whoa. This was so not going at all where he thought it would. Jamie’s brain tried to think of a means for damage control, but all it came up with was Go after her, so he did. When he made it to the hallway, Brynn exploded.
“You already messed with my heart once,” she admitted. “For a decade I’ve watched you go through relationship after relationship, and now that you finally realize I’m the one you want, you don’t even say anything?” She sucked in a long breath and let it go. It killed him to hear the tremor in that sound. “If I hadn’t gotten sick that night ten years ago—if I hadn’t asked you to kiss me—would you ever have told me how you felt? Or was it all bullshit?”
“Hey,” he interrupted, anger and pain warring in his tone. “That wasn’t bullshit. Jesus, Brynn. I watched you pine for Spencer for a year. You didn’t quite give me an opening to spill my heart. And then when you finally did, I was fucking terrified of losing you after I lost my goddamn family. I needed the one thing in my life that was stable, that wouldn’t change or pull the rug out from under me. And that was you…my best friend.”
She paced as she spoke. “I get that. It took me a long time to understand, but I swear I do. It doesn’t change the fact that you broke my heart, Jamie. It doesn’t change the fact that you buried those feelings again for ten years, saw me with another guy, and then just had to have me even though you were with someone else.” She crossed her arms, hugging herself like he wished he was doing. “The secret agenda is one thing, but doing it behind your girlfriend’s back? If I hadn’t chosen correctly, were you going to go home to her like nothing happened?”
Oh shit. He hadn’t told her about Liz. Fucking shit. He thought he was pulling out the big guns, revealing his undying love for her and how long he’d felt this way. Instead he’d just dug himself into one hell of a hole because the way she spat those words at him—the way she saw things—it made him look like one hell of an asshole.
“Brynn.” He reached for her hand, and she stepped away. But she couldn’t escape his gaze. “Brynn.” He moved forward and cupped her cheeks, and she squeezed her eyes shut, forcing the first tear to fall. “I broke up with Liz the night of the reunion. I would never— I can’t believe you would think that of me. I wasn’t thinking clearly, especially after kissing you, or I would have told you before we…” He was starting to panic, the words pouring out of him as fast as they could come, but none of it sounded right. None of it seemed to change the look of betrayal in her eyes. “As for ten years ago, Jesus. I was a fucking kid. A scared fucking kid. That’s not me anymore.” He kissed her forehead. “That’s not us.” She opened her eyes, and Jamie motioned between them. “This is us. Right here. Right now. Everything that’s happened today has been real.”
She took a step back.
“Real or not, nothing has changed. You’ve had almost two weeks to tell me how you felt, but instead you’re more worried about protecting yourself. You’re exactly the same guy you were ten years ago. You may be keeping yourself safe from getting hurt, Jamie, but all you’re doing is breaking my heart again. I thought I’d made you a cheater. I thought you’d made me a home wrecker.” She took in a long breath and let it out. “I get how scared you were then. I really do. But this is now. We’re adults, and I don’t want to play games anymore. What does it matter how we might feel if you can’t be honest with me?”
Gasps came from the dining room, proof that what couldn’t be seen could still be heard, but the show went on. They were nearing the end of the act, and Jamie knew it was going to be one hell of a climax.
“Brynn, don’t.”
Then she asked the question she must have been asking herself all afternoon, the same one that gnawed at him every time he tried to analyze their situation.
“If today hadn’t happened…if there was no lucky bouquet—just like if there was no mono senior year—would we even be having this conversation? Or would we be winding down before the last leg of the journey, before you handed me off to another man?” She swiped at a tear, and his heart sank to his feet, maybe even out of his body and through the floor completely. “The day we left, you told me you were texting Liz good-bye. You wanted me to believe you were still with her, which means you had no intention of telling me you weren’t.”
Jamie felt the oxygen in the hallway thinning, or maybe Brynn’s line of questions had just knocked the air out of him. There was more for him to say, but it was time for the lights to come up. The show was over, folks.
When he hesitated too long before answering her questions, Brynn backed out of the hallway, her hand over her mouth.
“Well, damn, son. You got yourself a fiery little wife there.”
Jamie spun to face Frank, Dora standing next to him. He let out a long breath. No more lies.
“We’re not married,” he said. “That’s the woman I’ve been in love with since I was sixteen, but she’s not my wife. She was my best friend up until today, but now we’re probably not even that. I’m sorry we took advantage of your kindness. I’ll pay for the room, the meals—all of it. I’m just—sorry.”
He didn’t wait for a response, deciding to wallow in his own self-pity while he looked for Brynn. And because timing was everything, Jamie’s phone buzzed with a text.
Annie. Which meant Brynn told Holly everything.
Annie: Tell me you’ve got good news!
He wished he could.
Jamie: Actually, pretty sure I fucked up. I think I already lost her.
Annie: Impossible. I just talked to Holly. That girl loves you. You just need to iron out the wrinkles.
Jamie: I know. I love her, too. But that might
not be enough.
Annie: Ugh. Such a crock. Love is always enough, because if you love someone then you fight to make it work.
Jamie smiled at this. He wanted to believe her, and he wanted to fight for Brynn like he should have ten years ago, like he should have ten fucking days ago. But she had to fight for them, too, and he was afraid Brynn had already given up.
Jamie: Afraid it might be a one-sided battle.
Annie: Good. Odds are in your favor, then. Wear her down so she has no choice but to fight back. You could tell her about L.A., you know.
He ignored that last part. He wasn’t going to throw some idiot grand gesture her way now. It would only show he’d been keeping something else from her. Still, Annie’s confidence buoyed him enough to continue.
Jamie: You really believe in this?
Annie: For fuck’s sake, James. Holly and I already have a deposit on a DJ and a balloon artist for the wedding. There’s more riding on this than you think.
He chuckled—he couldn’t help it—and the small release felt good. He could do this. He could wear her down and make her fight back.
Jamie: You’re crazy.
Annie: And you’re crazy about my best friend, so go fix this. Then tell her to text me everything. And I mean everything, James.
He laughed and took that to be the end of the conversation. She was right. It was time to fix this. He just hoped he could.
Chapter Twenty-One
“You didn’t exactly make it hard to find you.”
Brynn pulled her coat tight across her chest and burrowed into the corner of the bench in the B&B’s garden.
“I wasn’t exactly hiding. I just needed a minute.”
Jamie nodded toward the spot beside her, and she shrugged. She’d only noticed now that he’d abandoned his usual travel attire of a T-shirt and a hoodie for a fitted khaki button-down and dark jeans. A smile tugged at the corners of her lips. He dressed up for her. But then she remembered he lied to her about Liz and his motivation for the trip. And teenaged Brynn let everything she thought she’d tucked away for all those years rise to the surface, and it was all too much.
