Corazon got me curious by now, but I was anxious to know what else she could tell me about Fulgencio. In any case, she would have to verify any details with Pablito, all else would be speculation on her part. Then she went on to say: “Anyway, I asked Pablito if he has any pictures of our grandfather David because you look very much like him. I have no pictures, but I’m sure he does. I’ll keep you posted. You never know, Freddy! It’s so funny, but I have felt like you were right here by my side like my special hermano all this time, and now here you are. By the way, how are things with your own family? Are you still thinking of staying put in Mexico?”
With respect to my family, I did not want to talk about it, so I tried to subvert the conversation. As for my waning enthusiasm for Mexico, I kind of figured that would happen, and Corazon well understood the reasons why. This country, I complained, is so “voluble” (unpredictable), and I did express my hope that as soon as I accomplish my purpose I would get out of this dump without the Federales ever getting wind of my wetback status. My friends Billy, Cecilia, and Becky and so forth over somewhere else were just pushing and pushing me to get out before anything worse than the flu epidemic happens. Corazon did reassure me that she could do so much for me if I needed her and could stay longer in Mexico City. I appreciated the offer, but the overall situation made me more desperate to get roving again. Yet, I knew to take everything with a grain of salt, so to speak. It would be a big ordeal to pack up and leave if I were to prolong my stay, but with the situation as it was with the embargada (or “embargo” on my passport), and the general state of health of the country, this was no “capricho” on my part.
Yes, it would be a pity to give up my dream and all that without trying harder to figure out the puzzle whilst I had the pieces in hand, but even Corazon admitted to how crushing it is to the individual to abandon hope as the realization of one’s goals are within sight. As she wrote me in a previous email, referring to her first love Victor Inarittu who had passed away long ago, she’d lost heart to go on with her dream of becoming an explorer-archaeologist because it just would not be the same without Victor. And, worse still, she recently learned that her beloved elder brother Andres had come down with the porcine flu, and the prognosis was not promising. Naturally she feared for the worst, and she ruminated about how he had never realized his dream of founding a college for the study of eco-friendly technologies. For the present, she confided that she was in a bind and did not know how to proceed; regardless of her comfortable circumstances, she wanted to leave, start a new life in America, but worried for the welfare of her own children. They were old enough to look after themselves by now and even encouraged their mother to follow her dreams, just like I was doing in spite of myself (I was following something more in the nature of a nightmare).
Here I was just hoping to discover the origins of my name!
After we had supped together in a swanky Chapultepec restaurant, we had some brandy, and I then assured her, “Corazon, all I can do is give a bit of advice: as you know all kings and queens have a moment when they need to be relieved from their decision making power, and delegate to their offspring whether they like it or not. You, and I and every one else know and say out loud that you would be well off wherever you go if you stay together. I am sure you want better things for your children, so you have to have a serious talk with them. You have to be who you are. You need to make all the moves to make the move happen. I understand you must feel way too tired to start it all yourself again, even with the support of the men in your life, but it can be done. I had to face the same decisions, the same obstacles, and like I’d told you before when we first talked on the phone, I can only regret not doing more. Now I wish I had.”
She nodded in agreement, we hugged, and then she explained that she wanted to analyze her circumstances more carefully, because there was a lot to ponder on her part, especially if she was to be suddenly thrust into a position of decision in view of her present state of utter dependency. One thing she disputed was the part about imposing her hardships on her children despite their support.
Up until the present moment she had viewed herself, and felt treated by life like a “prisoner,” or the “slave of the palace.” Why? I never could figure it out. Oddly though, for many months I had been crying to others of having the same feelings, of the fears I had about undertaking my quest. I felt like Life didn’t respect me, doesn’t listen to me, so, in spite of the same serious issues we faced, it was very doubtful that Corazon would suddenly change her attitude towards the future for the better. She did like the idea that I would start investigating moving options for her, but all she could tell me in response was that she would see how things would unfold.
In fact, she had tried to move to America beforehand, and I couldn’t help noticing that she made resentful mention of her siblings with respect to the problem of helping her to move. A couple of them had made a nice life for themselves in Florida, but they did not offer to help with the move. They kept egging her on, and insisted they wanted her to move as well, telling her that they loved and needed their little sister, but it was always she who had to shoulder the burden alone, and put up with their berrinches and muleria (tantrums and grudges)!
Later I would learn that Corazon would make things somewhat difficult on them when they had stepped forward to help. At one point her sister Mariel had informed her that it would cost around $30,000 USD to contract a moving service to take all of her stuff to Florida, and Corazon (according to her sister) angrily responded, “What, are you crazy? Where the shit will I get so much money for a simple move? I should just pile everything on the roof of my SUV and do it myself! No, no, no! Forget about that. I am screwed and that is the end of it. What notions you have, stupid!”
If Corazon had actually said that, then no wonder her siblings were reluctant to go on assisting her.
Well, she was only at the beginning stages of her goal, and she would remain determined in spite of her darker nature.
As we talked about moving back, she mentioned something about not being worth it to bring anything with her, Ni siquiera la ropa (not even her clothes) because she wanted a complete break with the past. This got me to thinking of my own options, as well as the irony that I was actually in search of the past. I had thought to do the same, to sell and bargain away all the furniture of my California apartment. It would force me to take control of my life without strife and violence, and feel better about myself. I cannot control what others do or do not do (I kept telling myself), I can only control my life and what I want of it. Corazon, Becky and I were in the same boat, and now that our siblings were dealing with us in evil ways, now that we could not be there to stop them or confide in our parents, it made the outcome all the more certain if we were to forsake dependence on these old attachments. We understood how others felt and how difficult arriving at our decisions had been. But, we would do things for ourselves, not for them, and if we must lose all material concerns, so let it be! (I’d say). To save only what is worth saving ~ Ourselves!
Ah, of course the truth of our Fate stands between fear and illusion, and it grinds in the pit of my belly. All this time I have been doing everything for myself, my own well-being and survival since no one else gave a shit, and yet found time to look after my family; a fact which, surprisingly, they have acknowledged in a most hypocritical way. The same truth plagued my dear old college friends. We all have to vent, even though we conscientiously know exactly what we were going through. Yet, at our age, one finally gets sick and tired of having one’s filial “enemies” screw with one’s better nature. One has to scream out FUCK! Otherwise, if one doesn’t at least scream to let off the steam, one will resort to violence, against oneself as well as others.
Upon hearing Corazon speak of her troubles, it fortified my resolve to pursue my ends. I would unravel the puzzle of Fulgencio San Roman, and come to the end of my quest with my identity in hand. Anyway, if Corazon was fine with losing everything, well that is great! I too could
face a future with nothing left behind me. I mean, I just couldn’t go home and start up where I’d left off. Nobody would help me, and it was a life I happily abandoned. I would still need some logistical help from them as well as access to my funds, which only my mother could withdraw. If I had anything to ship back, I could rely on a couple of old friends in Los Angeles to receive the packages. Other than that, I would really have nothing to look forward, or come back to, except for a few manuscripts and the files of my writings, recorded music, a few DVD’s, legal documents, et cetera. If I were to lose even all of that, I would not panic.
Once we’d returned to her home, our conversation focused back on the objects of my quest. Corazon was genuinely intrigued with the work and convictions of Fulgencio San Roman, and her interest grew as I related the experience I’d had in Reynosa with him, and the trouble I was having in trying to establish any contact once I’d learned who he is, and what he really meant to the history of cinema art and to my own ancestry. She reiterated that she loved his movies and had studied his writings, a fact which piqued my interest since I had just gathered bits and pieces of them but could draw no conclusions about him. According to Corazon’s notes (from a Cinema course she’d taken at USC when she’d studied there some twenty years before, and had saved), Fulgencio believed sincerely in the force of Will as being above the play of senses and mind. This belief drove him to uphold his art above any prosaic matters that occupied the rest of society. His personal analysis of Will drove him to the conviction that affectional, physical, and procreative lusts can never be sated. Consequently, he advocated a lifestyle of denying human lusts, similar to the wisdom of ancient Greek stoics.
For Fulgencio, human lusts, or “willing,” and wanting cause agony or pain. A fleeting yet profound and moving way to escape this pain is through aesthetic contemplation (a method comparable to the theory of “sublimation”). This is the second best way, short of not willing at all, which is the best way. Total surrender to the world as manifestation restrains the individual from suffering the world as Will. Art diverts the observer’s attention from the grievous everyday world and flies him or her to a plane of consciousness that consists of mere play of images and sounds. With music, the hearer becomes captive to an ethereal form of the Will, which is otherwise deadly serious. Music was also given a special place in Fulgencio’s aesthetics as it did not rely upon the matter of phenomenal manifestation. Music manifests the will itself artistically, not the manner by which the Will appears to a participating beholder. According to an anonymous biographer of his, “Fulgencio believed that Music was the only art that did not merely replicate cognitive content, but actually was the avatar of the Will itself.”
This might explain my own worship of Music as an invisible manifestation of a deity! These newest revelations uplifted my heart, and refreshed my resolve to find the meaning of his legacy in my life. They were certainly revealing of a greater truth that joined our souls to the metaphysical source.
Corazon, for her part, had more on her mind than trivia about Fulgencio San Roman. She changed the subject on me, and expressed a frustration that her cousin Carlos, Pablo’s rakish and manipulative brother, who had also met and knew a lot about Fulgencio San Roman, had also caused her family a lot of trouble with regard to family holdings (Boy, did this anecdote rag on my nerves!), and she was reluctant to ask him for any favors. “WHAT is this you say about Carlos?” I asked her. “I thought he was a darling favorite of your family like Pablito against his own branch of the family? So, the shit has hit the fan with Carlos? You cannot keep this to yourself. You have to give me all the dirt on this situation. It sounds really explosive!”
To my surprise, she was quite forthcoming with the dirty details, and in any case wanted to vent with me. I assured her that she could vent all she wanted, and that her venting would be safe with me. With respect to my goal of gathering all the information about the objects of my fascination, and then some, she sympathized and assured me, “I know, Freddy, for me it may be simple because life is so different in the States. I understand your concern for what you search as this represents your whole life, and please let me apologize if I sound insensitive. Maybe I tell you this because I know that my worst defect is that I move around too much. People have told me many times in the past that I am ‘unstable’ because I do not stay in one place for a long time. I do not have any love for material goods. I do not care how many times I fall, because the falls allow me to see that I can get up again and again. I am well aware also that this is a double-edged sword for me as the same things that I pride myself for are the ones that do not let me sleep at night. They leave me thinking how much my moving around has affected my beautiful children’s well being.”
Corazon’s admission made me think only of my own wanderlust, yet the big difference between us lay in the fact that I still maintained attachments to material things. Mine was, arguably, the greater burden. Now, about Carlos she went on to explain:
“You must remember when you previously visited us here in Mexico about 10 years ago how my brothers and, especially, my older sisters, Alicia and Monica, felt about him. Whether they liked him better than Chivis (sobriquet of Silvia, wife of Corazon’s elder brother Andres and her favorite sister-in-law, and who once had a fling with Carlos), or not, I DO NOT HATE HIM like others have said. I have never been blind to his true evil intentions, however, with regard to manipulating people, especially my sisters. We were happy with him in the past, so I did not give a shit about that. Now, you must also remember or at least noticed that Monica peculiarly loved him. Well, when they visited Mexico in January this year, I told my sisters that I did not want Carlos alone in the house. Mariel, and my other brother, Mauricio Jr., were alright with that, and I knew (and every one else as well) that our mother Helena did not like him much, and did not trust Carlos.
When I saw my mother so deteriorated and helpless (from heart disease about 2 years ago) in that hospital bed, I knew that she would not have wanted Carlos there, and told my sisters so. Alicia, the oldest one and being the way she is, immediately went and told Carlos ... ‘Oh, Corazon doesn’t want you near our mother, so be very careful around her. You know what an imbecile she could be, and she might be rude and nasty if you happen to run in to her.’
Monica, being who she is and loving Carlos more than Alicia, once said to me.. ‘If you don’t want Carlos anywhere near our mother, I don’t want Silvia to get anywhere near her!’
Then I responded, ‘To what do we owe this god damned attitude? In any case, maybe you’re right. Only we should be there with our mother, not the daughters-in-law or unappreciated cousins. Just the daughters and sons, Damn you all!’
I was bitter for a long time, especially after I broke my leg and could not be with my mother any more. It got worse when I learned that Carlos was the last person to see my mother alive!
WHY? He was also the first one to know that Andres had come down with the porcine flu. I tell you, that man is evil. I know him probably better than I know my brothers. I practically grew up with them both, Pablo and Carlos. Silvia’s mother had lived next door to Anita, Pablo’s mother, and across the street from our own. Ever since I can remember, my best childhood friends were Pablito and Carlos’s little sisters, Chely and Jaqueline. Chely is Carlos’s favorite sister, and, ironically, is still my best friend of all. Jaqueline, Pablo’s favorite little sister, was also one of my best friends. So, Chely and Jaqueline shared in all of my happiest moments from Kindergarten through High School. Jaqueline, sadly, became too vain for her own good and a stupid whore; mind you, I have nothing against being a whore, but being a stupid whore is a NO, NO in my book of rules. Consequently, Chely and I stopped hanging out with her. I can tell you that living around the corner from them all my life had its advantages. I spent more time in their houses than in my own, so this is why I am telling you all of this. I know Pablo and Carlos are like day and night, and I know them better than I know my own sisters.”
Now, I was
getting a bit flustered with the family history and details of the genealogical tree. I wanted to know about the connection to Fulgencio. How did Carlos come about knowing him? Well, she went on with the background to her story, and it behooved me to listen. Thus, she assured me: “ Fred, you also have to remember that I was married to Manuel Andrade (Corazon’s first husband), who is Pablito’s cousin on his father’s side, and I lived with him for more than ten years, hanging out with their family all day, every day of the year for as long as I lived in the colonia of Gabino-Barrera. Manuel’s mother always told me, ‘Don’t confide in Carlos, nor in Chely who runs and tells Carlos everything. I tell you for your own good.’
Pablito’s own aunt warned me about them as well.
I always complained to my sisters about these things, and to which they always replied ‘Don’t be a snake! They’re good people, especially Carlos!’
Yes, he is good, very good ... GOOD FOR EVIL, If you let him! He will eat you if you trust him, but I know for a fact that he is also a coward. He is helpful and has good feelings, but he will take advantage of you when he can. I compare him to a ‘hyena.’ As long as he needs you, he will serve you and bend over backwards for you. At the same time he is rending service to you, in order to be close to you and learn of your weaknesses, he would soon bite you in the ass and turn against you as he gets the opportunity. All along, whether he serves you or bites you, he will be laughing!
Finally, Silvia got sick of dealing with the ‘ingratitude’ of Alicia and Monica so she told them about two months ago that she no longer could take care of our beloved grandmother Ramona. Alicia had no other choice but to ask and pay Monica for taking care of her. For the past two months or more, Monica has gone to Popotla to take care of our grandmother, every day. Now, she has close contact with Carlos and sees how he handles his life and those around him. As I once told you, Grandma Ramona lives next door to Carlos’s family. It only took Monica a month to see from up close who Carlos really is, and now they do not even talk to each other and have declared war between them. Monica and Alicia have both called and asked me to step in, go to Popotla and put Carlos in his place because they feel that he is eating them alive.
A Wetback in Reverse Page 22
