For all the aliens out there ~ D R
To Jacob Moorhouse – and all at Gonville School, Wanganui, New Zealand ~ A M
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
1 Aliens!
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
2 Twitter!
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
3 Report!
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
Collect all the Dirty Bertie books!
Copyright
“Race you!” said Darren on the way back from school. “Last one to the corner is a dummy!”
Bertie and Eugene chased after him. But as Bertie reached the library he skidded to a halt. A large, brightly coloured poster caught his eye. It showed a picture of a flying saucer.
Bertie stared. He had never been to a talk at the library. Usually they were about flower arranging or Roman pots. But aliens? That was a different matter. Bertie had seen every alien film ever made – or at least the ones his parents had let him watch. He had an alien pencil case and a poster of the planets on his bedroom wall.
“What kept you?” panted Darren, as he and Eugene came back to join him.
“Have you seen this?” asked Bertie. “Do you think aliens really exist?”
“Probably,” said Darren. “Look at Know-All Nick, he’s definitely an alien.”
“But real aliens,” said Bertie.
Darren shook his head. “If they exist, how come nobody’s ever met one?”
“Who says they haven’t?” argued Bertie. “Maybe this Nutting guy has seen one.”
Eugene was still staring at the poster. “I’ve never seen an alien, but I’ve seen planets,” he said.
“When?” asked Darren.
“Lots of times,” replied Eugene. “Through a telescope.”
“You’ve got a telescope?” said Bertie, amazed.
“It’s my dad’s, he got it last month,” said Eugene. “He keeps it in the top room.”
Bertie was impressed – a real telescope! The only telescope he owned was a plastic pirate one with a cracked lens.
“Could I have a go on it?” he asked.
Eugene hesitated. “My dad doesn’t really like people touching it – apart from me,” he said.
“I’m not going to break it,” said Bertie. “I just want a little look.”
“We could come round when your dad’s not there,” suggested Darren.
Eugene looked doubtful. “Maybe,” he said. “I think he’s out tonight, but we’d have to wait until it’s dark.”
“Great!” said Bertie. This was going to be brilliant. They could see the moon and comets and maybe a shooting star or two. Best of all, they might even see an actual UFO. Imagine that – a spaceship zooming towards Earth from a distant galaxy! Bertie got goosebumps just thinking about it.
Later that evening, Eugene crept upstairs with Bertie and Darren. His dad was out at a meeting, but Eugene was worried he might return and catch them. The new telescope stood on a tripod by a large window. Bertie gasped. It was about twenty times the size of his pirate telescope.
“It’s mega!” he said, reaching out a hand.
“Don’t touch!” cried Eugene. “Dad goes crazy if there are marks on the lens. He’ll know I’ve been using it.”
“Okay, keep your wig on,” said Bertie.
Eugene showed them how to look through the telescope and focus on an object. Bertie couldn’t wait to have a go.
“Me first,” he cried.
“That’s not fair! Why you?” argued Darren.
“I’m the oldest,” said Bertie.
“No you’re not, I am!”
In the end they tossed a coin and Darren won. Bertie was forced to wait impatiently, listening to Darren going on about how amazing it was.
At long last it was Bertie’s turn and he squinted through the lens. At first all he could see was a fuzzy pink blob, but it turned out that he was pointing the telescope at Eugene’s face. Once he tilted it upwards, the night sky came into focus. He could see brilliant stars – millions of them.
“There’s the moon!” he said. “Wow! It’s like a massive cheeseball!”
Bertie moved the telescope. Stars and more stars…
“WHAT WAS THAT?” he gasped.
“What?” said Eugene.
“Something just whizzed across the sky!” said Bertie. “Like a streak of light.”
“Where? Let me see!” cried Eugene.
Eugene and Darren both crowded in to look, but whatever Bertie saw had vanished.
“It was probably a shooting star,” said Eugene, disappointed.
Bertie shook his head. “You know what it was?” he said dramatically. “A UFO!”
“A UFO?” snorted Darren. “You mean an alien spaceship?”
“Why not?” said Bertie. “It was going like crazy.”
Darren pulled a face. “You’re bonkers, Bertie,” he said.
Bertie ignored him and put his eye to the telescope again. A UFO – that’s exactly what it was! A ball of light speeding like a rocket. What if it was an alien spaceship? Bertie’s heart beat faster. What if aliens were on their way to Earth right now and he was the only one who’d seen them?
That night Bertie dreamed that aliens had invaded his school. His whole class had turned into aliens, each with the pale, ugly face of Know-All Nick.
Bertie woke up in a cold sweat. Thank goodness it was only a dream! Then he remembered the bright streak of light he’d seen through the telescope. He sat up in bed. If it was a UFO, he had to tell someone. Someone who knew about aliens and would believe him.
The next morning Bertie hurried down to the kitchen.
“Dad, can we go to the library?” he pleaded. “There’s a talk I want to hear.”
Dad raised an eyebrow. A talk? At the library? Usually on a Saturday Bertie met his friends at the sweet shop. Still, a talk might be educational and it wasn’t often that Bertie begged to go to the library.
When Dad and Bertie arrived, the talk on UFOs had just begun. They sat at the back and listened as a series of pictures came up on a screen. When it was over, Bertie insisted his dad wait behind while he asked Mr Nutting something. The expert was packing away his papers.
“’Scuse me,” said Bertie. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course. Fire away, young man,” said Mr Nutting.
“Have you actually met any aliens?” asked Bertie.
“Met them? Well, no!” laughed Mr Nutting. “But that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. As I told you, there have been hundreds of sightings of UFOs – this one for instance.”
He pointed to a photo of a blurry blob, like a fried egg in the sky. Bertie looked closer.
“That’s it, that’s what I saw!” he said excitedly.
“You?”
“Yes,” said Bertie. “I was looking through a telescope last night and it zoomed across the sky!”
Mr Nutting raised his eyebrows.
“Astonishing!” he said. “Well, who knows, perhaps it was a UFO.”
“The thing is, what do I do?” asked Bertie.
“Do?” said Mr Nutting.
“Yes – I mean if it’s a spaceship and aliens have landed, how do I find them?” asked Bertie.
Mr Nutting smiled. “If I could answer that I’d be famous,” he said. “The day someone makes contact with aliens will be the greatest day in history.”
“REALLY?” said Bertie.
He would have liked to stay and talk, but he was in a rush to meet his friends. Taking one of Mr Nutting’s leaflets, he left the library deep in thou
ght. So it was an alien spaceship he’d seen – the expert had confirmed it! But where was it now? Had it landed nearby – in the woods or on the tennis courts? Either way Bertie was determined to find it. Just think, the aliens might invite him back to their planet to be King!
Outside the sweet shop, Darren and Eugene were waiting.
“Where have you been?” demanded Darren. “We’ve been waiting HOURS!”
“I went to the library,” said Bertie. “And listen to this – that thing I saw, it was a UFO!”
Eugene bit in to a jelly snake. “How do you know?”
“Because I asked the UFO man,” said Bertie. “He says spaceships are spotted practically every week. So, what if one has landed? What if the aliens are here now?”
“At the sweet shop?” asked Darren.
“NO! Anywhere!” said Bertie.
Darren sucked a toffee. “Listen, you’re not going to meet any aliens,” he sighed.
“Why not?” said Bertie.
“And even if it was a UFO you saw, how would you find it?” asked Eugene.
Bertie had thought of that. “I’m going to send the aliens a message,” he said. “I’ll send it tonight and then we’ll see what happens!”
Darren nudged Eugene. “Maybe Bertie’s right,” he grinned. “You never know, the aliens might even answer.”
That evening, as it grew dark, Bertie stood in the back garden pointing a torch at the sky. He flashed it on and off several times to send a message to the alien visitors. Just to make sure, he spelled out a message in stones in the flower bed…
Next morning, Bertie threw on his clothes and hurried outside. His message was still there but the only footprints in the flower bed belonged to Whiffer.
Bertie trailed back inside. Surely the aliens couldn’t have missed his message? He’d spelled it out in capital letters! He slumped on the sofa to watch TV.
DING DONG!
“Bertie, can you get that?” called Mum.
Bertie dragged himself off the sofa and went to open the door. Yikes! Was he dreaming? Standing outside were two actual aliens, large as life! They had green faces and enormous bug eyes, exactly like the aliens in films.
“FLUB!” said the taller one.
“FLOB!” said the other, waving a space gun.
Bertie was so excited he could hardly speak. The aliens had answered his message – here they were, standing at his front door!
“WHO IS IT?” called Mum.
“Um … just the postman!” Bertie shouted back.
He couldn’t let his mum see the aliens. She’d probably scream the house down and scare them away.
“Come in, come in!” he whispered, beckoning to them.
Bertie hurried the aliens upstairs to his bedroom and closed the door. He had so many questions he hardly knew where to start.
“Where’s your spaceship? What planet are you from?” he asked. “I’m Bertie, by the way. Ber-tie.”
He pointed at himself, to make them understand.
“FLIB, FLUB, FLOB!” cried his visitors, sitting down on the bed. For aliens, they seemed pretty friendly.
“This is amazing,” said Bertie. “Wait till Darren and Eugene hear about this!”
The aliens looked at each other. Bertie’s thoughts were racing. No one was going to believe this, not unless they saw it with their own eyes. But who could he tell? Bertie’s eye fell on a leaflet on the floor. Of course! Mr Nutting – he was an expert on stuff like this!
“Wait here,” Bertie told his visitors. “I’ll bring you something to eat.”
He hurried downstairs to the phone in the hall. Luckily Mr Nutting answered after a moment.
“You better come quickly,” said Bertie, keeping his voice low.
“What? Who is this?” asked Mr Nutting.
“It’s me, Bertie,” said Bertie. “I spoke to you after your talk.”
“Oh, the boy at the library,” said Mr Nutting.
“Yes, but listen, I’ve got two aliens here – at my house!” said Bertie.
“ALIENS?” Mr Nutting snorted. “Is this your idea of a joke?”
“No, I’m serious!” replied Bertie. “I left them a message and they came.”
“Look, I really don’t have time for games,” sighed Mr Nutting.
“Fine, don’t come,” said Bertie. “But if you don’t, you’ll be missing the greatest day in history.”
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
“Give me your address,” said Mr Nutting at last. “I’ll be there in ten minutes – and this had better not be a joke!”
Bertie returned to the aliens who were fighting on the bed. They sat up when they saw he’d brought the biscuit tin.
“Chocolate biscuits,” said Bertie, miming eating. “Yum yum!”
The aliens seemed to have trouble eating the biscuits, but soon they were interrupted by the doorbell.
Bertie rushed to the top of the stairs. ARGH! His mum had beaten him to it!
She opened the front door to two large bearded men, who seemed out of breath.
“Ah, my name’s Nutting, pleased to meet you,” said the UFO expert. “This is my friend Mr Potts. Your son called me.”
“Bertie?” said Mum.
“Yes, is it true?” said Mr Nutting. “I thought he was making it up, but I had to see for myself. Are they upstairs?”
Dad came out of the lounge. “What’s all this about?” he asked, puzzled.
“Well … the aliens!” said Mr Nutting. “Didn’t Bertie tell you?”
Dad rolled his eyes. He might have known all this talk of UFOs would go to Bertie’s head. Now Bertie was imagining little green men.
“BERTIE!” he yelled. “GET DOWN HERE!”
Bertie crept slowly downstairs.
Mum folded her arms. “Aliens?” she said. “I’m told we have some in the house?”
“Mmm,” said Bertie, nodding. “I um … suppose you want to see them?”
“I think we’d better, don’t you?” said Mum.
Bertie disappeared. A minute later he was back with two small bug-eyed creatures.
Mr Nutting let out a groan. “That’s them? The aliens?”
“Yes,” said Bertie. “They just turned up at the house.”
“Did they?” said Mum. “I think I can guess why.”
She pulled off the aliens’ rubber masks. Darren and Eugene grinned.
“FLOB!” said Eugene.
“FLIB!” said Darren. “HA! HA! Fooled you, Bertie!”
Bertie looked stunned. How could he have been so stupid? He should have guessed it was his friends playing a trick.
Mum, Dad and the UFO spotters glared at him, waiting for an explanation.
Bertie threw up his hands helplessly. “Well, anyone can make a mistake!”
Bertie and his friends came out of the school gates. It was Friday and he was looking forward to a whole weekend without Miss Boot shouting in his ear.
“Guess what I’m doing tomorrow,” said Eugene. “Birdwatching with Dad!”
Bertie raised his eyebrows. “Birdwatching?”
“Bor-ing!” sang Darren.
“It’s not!” said Eugene. “Last time we went it was the best day ever – we saw a spotted woodpecker! You have to stay really, really quiet.”
“It sounds like school,” said Bertie.
Eugene ignored him. “Anyway, Dad says I can bring a friend tomorrow,” he went on. “So what do you think?”
Bertie looked at Darren. “US? Go birdwatching?” he said.
“Yes!” said Eugene. “Well, only one of you. Dad says three’s too many.”
Darren shook his head. “It’s okay, you go, Bertie,” he grinned. “I’ve got football practice.”
“That’s not fair!” grumbled Bertie. “Why do I have to go?”
Eugene looked hurt. “It’ll be brilliant!” he said. “Just think, a whole day out in the woods.”
Bertie couldn’t see what was so brilliant about it. If he
wanted to watch birds he could do it from his bedroom window. In any case, birds just hopped about pecking and twittering – they didn’t really do anything. If they had to watch something, what about lions or crocodiles?
“Couldn’t we go to the zoo instead?” suggested Bertie.
“No, it’s all arranged now,” sighed Eugene. “I thought you’d want to come.”
“He does want to come, don’t you, Bertie?” sniggered Darren.
“Of course I do,” said Bertie. “It’s just … well, what would we do all day?”
“There’s loads to do in a wood,” said Eugene.
This was true, thought Bertie. At least there would be trees to climb and branches to swing from. They could hunt for slimy slugs or wriggly worms and take a few home.
“So we can run off and play?” asked Bertie.
“Maybe,” said Eugene. “As long as we don’t make a noise.”
Bertie shrugged. “Okay, I’ll think about it,” he said.
Back home, Bertie helped himself to orange juice from the fridge. His mum came into the kitchen.
“Oh, Bertie, what are you up to tomorrow?” she asked.
“I don’t know yet,” said Bertie. “Why?”
“Because Angela’s coming round to play,” replied Mum.
“ANGELA?” Bertie choked so hard that orange juice spurted out of his nose.
How could his mum do this to him? Angela Nicely lived next door and she was always begging to come round. She’d probably want to play dollies’ tea parties or something. He needed to find an excuse, and fast. But wait, he already had one…
Aliens! Page 1
