‘It’ll be fine,’ Jamie said. ‘And you’re my safety.’
‘You know I’m not medically trained.’
‘I’m not stupid,’ Jamie said. ‘I bought one of these.’ He put the ice in the bathroom and disappeared down the hall, into his bedroom, coming back with a small case of dark-green moulded plastic. ‘Defibrillator. Just in case.’
‘You’re not funny,’ Stella said, a split second before she realised that he wasn’t joking and had just handed her a life-saving piece of equipment. He headed into the bathroom and shut the door.
‘Take a look at it,’ Jamie called from inside the bathroom. ‘There are instructions inside, but it’s pretty straightforward. They’re designed so that anyone can use them.’
‘Thanks,’ Stella muttered. She opened the case and was confronted by the alarming sight of two chest patches, attached to the machine with wires. More reassuring were the clear instructions on the inside of the lid. There were only three steps and the chest patches were colour-coded to make sure you put them on the correct places on the body.
Every part of Stella’s being was telling her that this was a bad idea. More strongly still that it was something she wanted no part of. A spurt of anger that Jamie would hand her such an object, knowing her medical history. His obsessions were blinding him. In that moment, Stella knew that she was not going to be like Jessie Lockhart. Jamie held the keys to her current domestic arrangement, but he was not her husband and this was not the Victorian era.
Stella pushed open the door. Jamie had already stripped and was stood next to the tub in a pair of swimming shorts and nothing else. It was a diverting sight, but Stella pulled her gaze to the floor and said, ‘I’m not letting you do this.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Jamie said. Then, irritation in his voice: ‘You can look at me, you know.’
Stella risked a glance and saw that he had wrapped a towel around his waist. He was still very naked, though. She had seen this body on the videos, of course, but now it was close to her and suddenly very real. ‘This isn’t safe,’ she said. ‘You’re stressed out. The blog, Esmé, your deadline. It’s affecting your judgement.’
‘I appreciate your concern—’
‘No.’ Stella took a step forward, willing him to take her seriously. ‘If you get into that bath I will dial 999.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Jamie was obviously struggling to stay calm. ‘You’re overreacting.’
‘You think you’re superhuman, but you’re not.’
‘I’m being careful,’ Jamie said. He was pale, his skin waxy underneath a day’s stubble, and Stella could see the stress in the way he was standing. ‘This stuff is bringing real results. Data that could lead to an actual breakthrough down the line. Imagine if we could cure Alzheimer’s? Imagine if we didn’t have to lose cognitive function as we age?’
‘It’s not down to you. You’re not a doctor or a scientist—’
‘Which means I’m not bound by the same restrictions. Just because things have been done a certain way for a while, doesn’t mean they’ve always been done that way or should be done that way. It wasn’t long ago that laypeople were making important discoveries, things which changed our understanding of the world.’
‘Please don’t mention Einstein.’ Stella tried a smile. ‘I know he worked for the patent office.’
‘Well he did. And Alexander Graham Bell worked as a teacher. Imagine if they had decided to leave science and engineering to the professionals.’
‘I’m not saying individuals can’t make contributions, I’m not saying that you can’t. I just want you to recognise your limitations. To enlist help.’
‘I’ve got an MD on the payroll.’ Jamie bent to pick up the last bucket of ice and emptied it into the bath with a clatter.
‘Yeah, but you pay his bills.’ Stella touched his arm. ‘You can’t trust the people you pay. They’ve got a vested interest. You need to go to hospital and get checked out by someone who isn’t relying on you for income.’
‘I’m paying you and it doesn’t seem to stop you telling me I’m being an eejit.’
‘I don’t think I said eejit.’
‘You’re thinking it though.’
Stella smiled. ‘Only a little.’ She waited for him to smile back, for the tension in the room to be released, but the strange light was back in his eyes.
‘People are often afraid of the road less taken. It’s always hard for the visionaries, the trailblazers. People always think they’re nut jobs. Until they get results, of course, and then everyone says they’re a genius. You should have heard the hassle I got over my diet book.’
‘You still get hassle over that,’ Stella said. ‘I read your emails, don’t forget.’
‘Aye.’ Jamie looked momentarily taken aback, as if he had forgotten who he was speaking to. ‘So you know, better than most. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, so I’d rather do.’
‘I’m not trying to curb your genius.’ Stella forced herself not to use sarcastic air quotes. ‘I’m trying to stop you hurting yourself.’
‘Just because you’re too frightened to live your life doesn’t mean I need to join you.’
Stella felt as if he’d slapped her. ‘We’re not talking about me. And I’m not frightened,’ she said stiffly. ‘I live.’
‘Aye, right,’ Jamie said, his accent coming out more strongly now. ‘You’re hiding away here and avoiding phone calls from your boyfriend because you’re so full of fucking life.’
‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ Stella said. ‘He’s my ex.’
Jamie hesitated. ‘Well. The point still stands. You’re so afraid to take risks you’re stuck. What are you going to do with your life? When are you going to start making choices for yourself? You only live once, you know.’
‘I’m aware,’ Stella said. She focused on a spot just above Jamie’s left shoulder, smoothing her features to offer a blank expression. ‘Are we done here?’
‘Ah, fuck,’ Jamie said, rubbing his neck. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘My personal life is none of your business. But I’m not leaving until you abandon this project.’
‘That is not your call,’ Jamie said, angry again. ‘If you don’t wish to act as my safety, I certainly cannot make you, but you are not authorised to make a judgement on my work. As you said yourself, you are not medically trained, you don’t have the professional experience.’
Stella recognised this type of bombast. Any moment now, Jamie was going to turn into every other egotistical manager she had worked for. Any moment now he was going to tell her she was just an assistant.
‘You don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do in my work. That is beyond your remit.’
This last word was enunciated so clearly, the final ‘t’ sound was almost spat.
Stella fought the urge to run away. She put her hand to her chest in the familiar, reassuring place. Her heart was a little fast, but nothing serious. ‘Listen to me,’ she said. ‘I am not trying to undermine your work; I am trying to help you. You have been working on your ancestral research, looking into your family tree. You said yourself that you had lost the taste for your experimentation. This’ – Stella motioned to the bath – ‘seems like a sudden departure. You haven’t prepared for it properly.’
‘I bought a defibrillator,’ Jamie said. ‘That’s preparation.’
‘Exactly,’ Stella said. ‘You prepared for something terrible to happen, something dangerous. That must tell you something.’
‘That I’m being sensibly cautious,’ Jamie replied.
‘Or that you know, deep down, that this is dangerous.’
‘Life is risk. You can’t have greatness without taking chances.’
‘Fine,’ Stella said. Her heart was racing, and she forced herself to take a couple of long slow breaths. ‘I will do it for you.’
‘What?’
Stella took off her woolly cardigan and dropped it onto the floor
. ‘I’ll take the bath. You can time me.’
‘No,’ Jamie said, looking horrified.
‘Why?’
‘You know why.’
‘What is life without risk?’ Stella said.
‘That’s not what I meant,’ Jamie began. ‘I didn’t mean you should—’
‘You just told me it was perfectly safe,’ Stella said. She slipped off her shoes and bent to take off her socks.
‘No!’ Jamie’s hands were on her shoulders, pulling her upright. He was very close and Stella had the urge to laugh. She was arguing in a bathroom with her half-naked boss. Nobody could accuse her of not trying new things.
Jamie, however, seemed oblivious. ‘I’m happy to try things on myself, but I won’t put anybody else through them. You know that. You know that about me.’
‘I do,’ Stella said. ‘But can’t you see that you are horrified at the thought, because you know it’s a bad idea?’
He dropped his hands from her shoulders. ‘Why are you obstructing me? You’re supposed to help. You’re my assistant, you’re supposed to make things easier for me.’
‘Fire me, if you must,’ Stella said. ‘But I’m not leaving until I’m sure you are safe. And if you proceed’ – she gestured to the bath – ‘I will call an ambulance.’
‘Have it your way.’ Jamie twisted away and bent over the bath. For a moment she thought he was going to test her assertion and get in, but instead he yanked the plug out and then moved past her and out of the room.
For the rest of the day, Stella avoided being in the same room as Jamie, while keeping tabs on his activities. She buried herself in Jessie Lockhart’s letters again, looking for confirmation that she had done the right thing. Any moment she expected Jamie to walk in and tell her she had to leave. He could give her one month’s pay and send her packing. That was the truth of it.
The phone rang at eight the next morning, echoing in the hall and setting the dogs barking. Stella ran to pick it up, worried that it would be Ben again. She wasn’t worried that Jamie would be grumpy, but she was worried that he would get curious, and she wasn’t ready to face his laser-focused questioning.
‘Stella? It’s Caitlin.’
Stella glanced down the empty hall. ‘How did you get this number?’
‘Your mobile was out of service,’ Caitlin said, which wasn’t an answer. ‘Can you come round this morning?’
‘Now?’ Stella glanced at her watch.
‘It’s important,’ Caitlin said.
‘Are you okay?’ Stella felt a spurt of fear. ‘Is the baby all right?’
‘Everything is fine,’ Caitlin said. ‘I would just rather talk to you in person. I could come to you—’
‘No,’ Stella interrupted. ‘I’ll come to you. See you in five.’
She grabbed a coat and bag and went to her car. It was only as she pulled up outside that she wondered why Caitlin wasn’t at work.
‘What’s wrong?’ Stella said as soon as Caitlin opened the door. ‘Are you sick?’
Caitlin looked surprised. ‘No, I told you. I’m fine.’
‘Why aren’t you at work?’
Caitlin moved down the narrow hallway, leaving room for Stella to come inside and slip off her boots.
‘Short contracts, I told you.’
‘I didn’t realise it was ending so soon.’
Caitlin pulled a face. ‘I was hoping they would keep me on for a bit longer, but . . .’ She shrugged. ‘I’m not exactly an asset right now.’
‘But equal opportunities. They can’t do that.’
‘Zero-hours temp contract,’ Caitlin said. ‘They can do whatever the hell they like.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Stella said, feeling like crap. She had been so wrapped up in Jamie and Munro House and Jessie Lockhart that she hadn’t been paying attention to her friends. Of course, if Jamie decided to kick her out, she would have a whole lot more time on her hands. ‘Is Rob all right?’
Caitlin looked over her shoulder, startled. ‘Why do you ask?’
‘Just the stress. I mean, one income . . .’
Caitlin shrugged and seemed about to brush off the comment with her trademark bulletproof manner, but then her face crumpled a little. ‘Rob is freaking out. His dad left when he was a teenager and it was a real struggle financially. I know he’s scared of not being able to provide for this one.’ Caitlin looked down at her stomach.
Stella reached out a hand, but Caitlin had already turned away.
Stella followed Caitlin into the kitchen and sat in her usual place, trying to work out what to say to reassure Caitlin about money. She was keenly aware that she was not in the same position and never had been. Stella’s family had always been comfortable and she had grown up knowing that, whatever else might be difficult in her life, there was always a financial safety net beneath her.
Caitlin had scales, a sieve and a bag of flour on the worktop. She took sugar from a shelf and, not looking at Stella, said, ‘Ben rang.’
Stella realised that she had hardly thought of Ben since he’d called at the house. She hadn’t checked her old email account or her mobile for texts, either. Didn’t bother to switch it on these days.
‘He says you’re not answering your phone,’ Caitlin said. ‘I don’t blame you,’ she added, moving around the room, fetching ingredients, still not looking at Stella.
The unease she had felt on the phone doubled. Stella could almost sense the other shoe, just waiting to drop.
‘I need a clean break,’ Stella said, wondering why Ben wanted to speak to her. She had told him what he needed in order to sort out the mortgage. He could have the house, move in with a new partner, do whatever he wanted. Stella waited for the pain and sense of loss to crush her, but it didn’t. There was just a wave of sadness, cool and gentle.
Caitlin nodded. ‘Fair enough.’
There was a short silence as Caitlin got eggs from the fridge, then filled the kettle, flipping the switch. When Stella couldn’t stand it anymore, she said, ‘What?’
‘Nothing,’ Caitlin said quickly. ‘It’s just . . . well, he sounded really worried when he rang here.’
‘I don’t know why.’
‘I want a muffin,’ Caitlin said, changing direction and getting a large bowl out from one of the cabinets. She caught Stella’s eye and patted her bump. ‘It’s a craving.’
Stella smiled. ‘Got to give the baby what it wants.’
‘Exactly,’ Caitlin said, but she didn’t return the smile. ‘He said he wants to talk to you. And I think he’s worried about the house being left empty for so long. Security.’
‘Yeah, he said all that when we spoke last week.’ Stella still expected the memory to hurt, but she felt too distracted by Caitlin’s pale complexion and obvious anxiety. She got up and joined Caitlin at the worktop. ‘Is there anything I can do?’ Stella wondered if she should offer Caitlin a loan. She didn’t want to offend her or make things weird between them, but she was living rent-free and being paid a good salary; she could help a little.
‘I think he wants to hear from you,’ Caitlin began cracking eggs into a glass bowl.
‘Not him. You. Is there anything I can do about the job thing? If you need money—’
‘No!’ Caitlin almost shouted, finally looking at Stella with wide, unhappy eyes.
‘Sorry, sorry.’ Stella reached out a hand to pat Caitlin on the arm.
‘No, I’m sorry.’ Caitlin turned away, her cheeks flushed. ‘Honestly. We’re fine.’
Stella began to help with the baking, putting the bowl onto the scales and sifting flour.
‘It’s a fair point, I suppose,’ Caitlin said. ‘You and he own a house together. You should probably speak.’
Stella stopped sifting and looked at her. Caitlin was concentrating on chopping chocolate and didn’t look up. There was tension in her face. ‘What did he ask you to do?’ Ben could talk anybody into anything. She always said he ought to have been a salesman.
Caitlin glanced across. Sighed
. ‘Just to talk to you. See if I could get you to go home. I didn’t say I’d do that, but I said I’d pass on the message. And check that you were all right.’
‘I’m great,’ Stella said. She smiled to reassure Caitlin but realised that it was true and that the smile was real. ‘I feel much better here. Must be the air.’
They both looked to the window, where the rain was lashing against the glass.
Ben would be going out of his mind, Stella knew. To ring Caitlin, to ask for help. He was fiercely autonomous and that wouldn’t have been easy. Stella wished she could read it as a sign he had changed his mind, but she knew he had not. She wasn’t so certain she wanted him to change his mind, either.
Caitlin was still looking at her with an uneasy expression. ‘I don’t know whether to say this or not. You are doing so much better . . .’
Stella went cold. Here it came. ‘Just tell me.’
‘I think he’s having second thoughts.’
Whatever Stella had expected Caitlin to say, it wasn’t that. ‘What?’
‘You two need to talk. He can tell you what he means better than me. I’m worried I’m going to put my foot in it, say the wrong thing and mess things up.’
‘You can’t mess things up between me and Ben. That ship has sailed. Trust me.’
‘He said—’ Caitlin began.
‘I don’t care,’ Stella said. ‘I don’t want to know.’
Caitlin nodded and resumed stirring. Once the cases were filled with mixture and the muffins were in the oven, filling the room with a sweet smell and welcome warmth, Caitlin returned to the subject. ‘What happened with you guys, anyway?’
Stella realised that she still hadn’t told Caitlin, her best friend. In the beginning it had all been too raw and, after a while, she’d been in the habit of not discussing it. She had never been a big sharer, anyway, and it was easier not to spell it out. Now Stella realised she had been almost superstitious; if she didn’t say the words out loud then maybe they would no longer be true. She squared her shoulders, and then, after all this time of avoiding them, found that the words slipped out easily. ‘He fell in love with someone else.’
Beneath the Water Page 20
