“Jesse, I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay?”
Jesse dipped his chin in a nod.
“Everything you’ve experienced up until now, with Jacob, it wasn’t…healthy. It’s not what sex between two people who want each other is supposed to be like. One day soon, someone will show you what it’s really supposed to feel like and it’s going to blow your mind, and then you’ll probably get pissed because you’ve been taught wrong all this time, and then you’ll be sad but then everything will be okay. And I want you to know right now that everything that you will feel, absolutely everything, will be normal, okay?”
Jesse nodded his head and then he whispered, “Will you teach me?”
Oh sweet Jesus.
Noah opened his mouth to tell Jesse that, no, he couldn’t be the one to do that but then he saw the plea in the man’s eyes so instead of telling him no he found himself saying, “Let’s get some sleep tonight and we’ll talk more in the morning, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Brush your teeth and pee. I’ll wait for you out in the hall, okay?”
“Okay,” Jesse whispered.
Noah stepped out into the hall and pulled the door closed behind him.
He took a deep breath and leaned his head back against the wall.
“Who do you think he is?” Morgan whispered from the end of the hall.
Noah’s eyes opened and he slowly turned his head.
“Just my gut instinct. But would you call Caleb and find out what Kelly Braddock’s last name was before Connor adopted him?”
“Yeah, I’ll get on it. Are you going to be okay?” Morgan said as his eyes flicked to the closed bathroom door.
Noah knew exactly what Morgan was talking about. Even though he’d been away from Jacob for a decade, he was anything but ‘normal.’ A normal person would be able to date, a normal person might be able to love, a normal person could have relationships….a normal person had a soul. Noah had none of that. Which was why he was exactly the wrong person to feel anything for Jesse. Jesse was good and sweet and kind and innocent and he deserved someone who, well, who wasn’t Noah, someone who was normal.
“You do have what he needs, Noah. You just need to find it within you. But it’s there.”
Noah opened his mouth to argue some more but the bathroom door opened behind him and an extremely naked Jesse stepped out. “I’m ready for bed. Did you want to check me to make sure I’m clean?”
Noah squeezed his eyes shut and counted back from ten, if he didn’t he was going to punch a hole in Morgan’s wall and more than likely break his hand in the process. “Jess, babe? Can you get your underwear for me?”
Jesse’s eyes went wide with surprise, “Oh, um, sure,” he said as he turned and disappeared into the bathroom. When he did, Noah’s eyes found Morgan’s and their silence said more than their words: Jacob Knight was a monster who needed to be put behind bars before he laid a finger on one more person. The problem was if Noah got to him first there’s was just as much of a chance that he’d snap the man’s neck as there was of him putting him in handcuffs – and Noah really wasn’t sure if that bothered him or not.
“Here they are,” Jesse’s voice said from behind him, bringing Noah’s thoughts back to the innocent, damaged man behind him. He turned and held his hand out for the electric blue boxer briefs. He bent at the waist, trying unsuccessfully to keep his eyes away from the beautiful thick, long, uncut cock that hung between Jesse’s thighs. Damn but that thing was fucking gorgeous and made it Noah’s mouth water and his own cock twitch.
“Hold onto my shoulder, babe,” he whispered.
When Jesse hesitated, Noah glanced back up at him so see him biting his lip. “Jesse?”
“You don’t like it, do you? It’s ugly, I know it’s ugly. He didn’t like the way it looks either. He kept making me appointments to get it cut but I was so scared that it would change the way it feels that I kept having panic attacks when it was time for them, so he kept cancelling them. But, but, I could try again.”
Noah shook his head ‘No’ cutting off Jesse’s words before he could say anything else negative about his body. “Jesse? I think your dick is one of the most beautiful cocks I’ve ever seen.”
“It is?” Jesse said but then he frowned, “But why would you want me to cover it?”
“I don’t want you to cover it, I need you to so that I keep my hands off of it. You, your cock, your body, just everything about you is such a temptation to me, Jesse. It’s like dangling a raw steak in front of a lion’s mouth. And trust me when I say that the two small layers of your underwear and mine are barely going to be enough to get me to control myself. But I will, I swear I will.”
“Why? What if I don’t want you to?”
“Jesus, Jesse, don’t say shit like that. You’re not ready for that, you’re really not. Hell, you just met me tonight.”
“I know but you saved me, Noah, you saved me from him. No one has ever done anything like that for me in my entire life. My dad barely gave me the time of day, hell, we never once celebrated my birthday. From the day I started kindergarten, I had to get myself up, get cereal for my breakfast and get myself to the bus stop, he was either at work or passed out drunk.”
“Fuck, babe, where was your mom?”
Jesse shrugged, “Don’t know. I don’t remember her and dad never talked about her. I don’t know if she left or if she’s dead. Every time I asked him about her I got a backhand across the face so I stopped asking.”
“And your brother?”
Jesse’s eyes filled with tears, “He helped when he could but he was a lot older and started school earlier than me. And he stayed away a lot because Dad was really mean to him, like scary mean.”
Noah dropped the boxers to the floor, stood and clasped Jesse’s face in his hands, “Jesse, from this moment forward, your life will be different, better, I swear to you. I’m not going to tell you to forget your past because that’s an insult to you and your strength. You’re a survivor, Jesse, a goddamn survivor and you’ve earned those memories you have to remind you how fucking strong you are. But I swear to you, from this moment forward, you will never know pain, you will never know humiliation, you will never know anything but comfort and warmth.”
Tears slipped down both men’s cheeks as Noah pressed their foreheads together until….
“Do I get to stay with you?” Jesse whispered.
Noah’s head snapped back as if he’d been slapped, “What?”
“I don’t want to go anywhere else, I want to stay with you, Noah. I want you to give me comfort and warmth.”
Noah looked away as he ran his fingers through his hair, “Oh, I, shit, Jess, I don’t think I’m……”
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” Jesse said with a growl in his voice that surprised the hell out of Noah.
“What?”
“He did this to you, made you closed off like this, didn’t he?”
Noah felt like he’d been punched in the gut. How could this man, this kid he had just met, have the ability to see inside his soul like that?
Noah blew out a breath and stepped backwards until his back hit the wall as he stared at Jesse. “Honestly? I don’t know, Jess. I met him when I was in college and I’d never been in love before. After him I’ve found that I just can’t seem to open up to anyone, at all. Is that because of him or is that just how I’m wired? I don’t know, I just don’t fucking know.”
Jesse leaned down, grabbed his boxers and slid them up his legs and then he pinned Noah with a look that belied his incredibly young age and said, “I’m going to help you find out, Noah, whether you want me to or not. I’m going to bed, I’ll see you in there,” then he disappeared into the bedroom next to where Noah was standing.
Noah stood there, dumbfounded for a moment, until he heard the chuckle to his left and he turned to find Morgan still standing there having witnessed that entire conversation.
He slid down the wall until his ass h
it the floor, “Don’t you have work to do?” he said with a sigh.
“Yeah, I just wanted to let you know that Luther will be here in a few minutes with Charlie. I sent him to your place to pick him up.”
“Did he grab his food and dishes too?”
“Of course he did, I don’t want that moose to eat me out of house and home.”
Just then they both heard the door open and close and the clickity-click of nails on the wood floors as Charlie ran through the house looking for Noah. “I’m here, Charlie,” he said and then he braced himself for impact because when an eighty pound nothing-but-muscle pitbull launches at you, well, if you’re not careful you’ll feel it for days.
He opened his arms and Charlie launched his big body into Noah’s as he whimpered, furiously wriggled his body and licked Noah’s face.
“Hey, buddy, I missed you too,” he said as he nuzzled Charlie’s neck.
Charlie was more than his dog, more than his friend, the dog had saved him, had kept him from going down a dark rabbit hole.
Nobody knew what Charlie had done for him, not even Morgan. But as Noah’s eyes glanced up and he saw the man’s smiling, proud eyes gazing down at him, he thought….maybe it’s time the man finally knew…..
Three
Noah sighed as he sat on his ass in the hall and leaned against the wall, “Have a seat, Morgan, I need to tell you something.”
He tipped his head back and closed his eyes while his fingers sifted through the fur on Charlie’s neck as he lay down on the floor and put his head on Noah’s thigh. That was the most astounding thing about Charlie – without any training he had somehow become Noah’s therapy dog. He knew when Noah was feeling nervous or stressed and he would wander over and place his head on Noah’s thigh to calm him.
“He’s good at that,” Morgan said as he sat against the wall next to Noah with the dog between them.
Noah opened his eyes to look at Charlie, “You have no idea. I never told you about the night he found me but I need to.”
“Okay.”
Charlie’s muzzle pushed against Noah’s hand, almost as if he was encouraging Noah to tell their story.
“I’m so incredibly grateful to you for rescuing me and taking me under your wing, please don’t ever forget that.”
“I won’t, Noah, not ever.”
“But your training also gave me skills, skills that I began to use to feed my desperate need for revenge.”
Noah’s gaze flicked to Morgan’s and even though he was a little confused that he didn’t see surprise on Morgan’s face, he pushed on and kept talking because he was afraid if he stopped he’d never have the nerve to tell Morgan this story again.
“I stalked him, Morgan. I stalked him and I plotted my revenge. And I wasn’t just going to hurt him, I was going to end him. I waited for a night when I knew Jacob was working late in his office building. I parked my car two miles away at this dive gay bar that I had been frequenting, had a beer, picked up some random guy, took him into the bathroom for a quick fuck and when we were done I checked my phone and then told him I needed to make a quick call so I was going to step out into the back alley and I would meet him back up front later. He was so blissed out that he barely acknowledged me but that was exactly what I wanted. A two mile run for me, even in jeans and a polo shirt, wouldn’t even break a sweat, so I took off towards his building. A few blocks away I slowed to a walk and that’s when I heard him,” Noah said as he looked down at Charlie.
“This little turd couldn’t have been more than six months old, he was emaciated, dirty and obviously abandoned and he started walking about six feet behind me and whimpering. When I stopped to ask him if he was okay he just sat on his ass and looked at me. I took a step towards him and he skittered back a few steps like he was afraid. I didn’t have time to fuck around with this shit so I got back on task and started my walk to Jacob’s place but then he whimpered again….and I stopped again. And so did he. But then he skittered when I tried to get close. So I resumed my walk. He and I did this about a half a dozen times before it suddenly hit me what he was doing. I spun around and looked at him for at least a full minute before I said to him, “If I give this up and go home will you go with me?”
“He suddenly jumped to his feet, wagged his tail and I swear to god he smiled, Morgan, he fucking smiled.
How was a six month old starving dog able to see into my heart and know that I was about to commit such a dark and evil thing that it would’ve changed me forever? I never would’ve come back from that, it would’ve eaten me alive until I either walked off a building or turned myself in and rotted in prison, I know that now. But he knew it then. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he hadn’t stopped me,” Noah whispered.
“I knew,” Morgan whispered as he reached over and patted Charlie’s side.
Noah’s head spun around, “What?”
“I had a feeling and I had been watching you for a while. I was waiting for you in the alley next to Jacob’s building. I would’ve stopped you.”
Noah’s fingers combed through Charlie’s fur as he stared at Morgan and he realized that those words didn’t surprise him at all, not really. Because Morgan had had his back since the day he showed up in Noah’s hospital room.
“Are you ever going to tell me how you found out about me?”
Morgan smiled, “I can’t give you specifics because I promised but let’s just say that you had a guardian angel watching out for you at the hospital who is a friend of mine. I just wish I could’ve gotten there sooner.”
“You got there exactly when I needed you, Morgan. Thank you.”
Morgan tilted his chin towards the bedroom that Jesse had disappeared into, “Go get some sleep, Noah. He needs you.”
“I’m not the right person for him, Morgan.”
“Oh, Noah. I think you’re going to find that, just like when Charlie found you and the two of you were made for each other, you and Jesse just might be made for each other as well. All you have to do is open your heart to him.”
“I’m scared, Morg. What if I hurt him? What if some of the evil sickness that Jacob exposed me to for years is inside of me now? I don’t want to be a monster, I won’t be a monster.”
“Jesus, Noah, is that why you haven’t dated since you left him? Because you thought he somehow infected you?”
Noah nodded as he stared down at Charlie.
“Oh babe, no, just, no. You are the kindest, most giving man I know. Only someone with a good heart would’ve recognized the pain that Cole was suffering from when you met him on that Op, and only a good man would’ve shared that with the team, only a good man would’ve stayed in that bar until he could get Jesse alone and save him. There is nothing dark or evil inside of you, I promise you that.”
Noah looked up at Morgan, “But he’s going to need someone strong, someone confident, someone capable of being a guiding hand to him. I don’t, I, shit, the only kind of boyfriend I’ve ever been is one who was dominated, humiliated, beaten and broken down until I was a shell of a human being. I don’t know how to be strong for someone else.”
“Yes you do.”
“I do?” he said, his eyes going wide with surprise.
“Yes, you do it every day for Charlie. Despite the fact that you think that he’s the one who helps you, it’s you who helps him. You’re his alpha male, his leader, the one who guides him to be the calm, loving, nurturing dog that he is. You do that, Noah. You. And that comes from your heart. A heart that I know without a shadow of a doubt is only filled with good.”
A tear rolled down Noah’s cheek as they both sat quietly.
Then Noah pulled his knees up and said, “I, I’m going to head in to bed now, okay?”
“Okay, Noah, but promise me one thing before you go?”
He waited for Noah to look over at him and then he continued, “Think about what I said, okay? Promise me you’ll think about it.”
Noah nodded his head, “I will, Morg, I promise.”
As the door closed Morgan hoped with all of his heart that Noah could finally learn how to let someone in because if Jesse couldn’t save him he wasn’t sure there was anyone out there who could.
Four
Noah closed the door to the guest bedroom as quietly as possible and leaned against it but Jesse still rolled over to look at him.
He had been thoughtful enough to leave on the small light on the nightstand for Noah to find his way when he came in but now that light was casting just enough of a glow to highlight the tear streaks that ran down Jesse’s cheeks.
“I thought you changed your mind about coming in here,” Jesse whispered.
“I would never do that, Jess. I told you I would stay with you and I always keep my word. I just got stuck talking to Morgan for a few minutes.”
“You, you love him don’t you?” Jesse said as he tucked his arm under his cheek.
“I do. Very much.”
“You can go sleep with him then. I’ll be fine,” Jesse whispered.
Noah couldn’t help but smile, “Jess. Morgan and I have never been like that, not ever. I love him like a brother, that’s all, nothing more.”
“Oh. Do, um, do you have someone else though? That you love?” Jesse whispered.
“No, Jess, there’s no one. There never has been.”
“What about him?”
Noah knew the him that Jesse was asking about and even though Jesse didn’t say Jacob’s name, it still made him cringe.
“What he had with me, what he had with you too, it wasn’t love, Jess. You don’t do that to someone that you love. That’s not love. It’s sick, it’s twisted, it’s perverted, it’s manipulative but it’s not love.”
After a few seconds of silence, Jesse’s eyes flicked down to Charlie, “Who’s this?”
Noah’s hand rested on Charlie’s head as he glanced down at him, “This is Charlie.”
“Does he growl?”
Blackbird Fly Home (Doyle Global Securities Book 1) Page 3
