by Man, Alina
“I can’t do this anymore. You’re my little girl, and I refuse to watch you waste your life locked away from the world. You need to start living, baby.”
“I don’t know how, Mom. I’m so sorry, OK? I promise I’ll try harder. I promise, Mom, just don’t cry anymore.” She pulls away from me, her pain visible all over her lovely face, and it’s all my doing.
No matter what I say to her right now it won’t make any difference. The damage has been done. As I lay against the door on the cool floor, I finally break down. The tears do nothing to my shattered heart. God, Sam, why didn’t you take me with you? How could you be so selfish and leave me when I needed you the most?
That night, as I lay alone in my big cold bed, I think of everything that’s been happening to me. All I know is that I have to find a way to snap out of it before I end up losing my mom too. She can’t take it anymore and I can’t blame her. The new pills prescribed by Dr. Collins are waiting for me on top of the dresser, begging me to take them. They are the answer to everything.
“I’m sorry Sam, but I think it’s time to let you go,” I whisper to the empty room and swallow the little orange pills. I know in no time I’ll be feeling too relaxed to worry about anything, so I go back to bed and pull the comforter over my head, ready to finally sleep. The tears are falling, still, but slowly I’m beginning to feel at peace.
David
I shouldn’t have done that. I’m surprised she didn’t kick me out the minute my hand went up her skirt. And the worst thing is I just wanted to keep going until I got to the most intimate part of her, touch her and make her come all over my hand. I wanted to hear her moan with pleasure and fall apart right there on that kitchen chair. No matter how many times I’ve tried to get her out of my head, she somehow always finds her way back in. Her face, her perfect smile, those sky blue eyes, everything about her is imprinted in my mind.
The need to protect her is killing me. I just don’t know how I can do that without scaring the shit out of her. While Lily is taking her nap, I walk into the kitchen to grab some coffee. The drawings I’ve been working on for the last two days are a present reminder that I’m way over my head in deadlines. I have to focus on this or my ass will never get the contract renewed. The knock on the front door brings me back to present. Part of me hopes to find Jenny on the other side of the door, but I know better. I open the door and I’m surprised to find a crying Kate there.
“Oh my God, are you ok, Kate?”
“May I come in for a moment?” she sobs.
“Yes of course. Did something happen with Jenny?”
“You are such a sweet young man, calling her Jenny.” For whatever reason, me calling her daughter Jenny only makes her cry even harder. I feel kind of nervous and unsure of what to make of this woman. Based on my experience with her daughter, I just hope she’s not as sensitive as Jenny’s been so far.
“Would you like some water?”
“No honey, I’m ok. I just needed to talk to someone. I’ve been keeping everything inside for such a long time. I can tell you’re fond of my daughter and I believe you can help her.” I watch the little lady wipe her face and get more comfortable at my kitchen table.
“What’s wrong with Jenny?” She takes a deep breath and I can tell she’s having a hard time deciding how much she should share with me.
“I wish I could tell you everything but it’s not my place. Some monsters did terrible things to my Jen, and she lost Sam and their little girl.” Kate is crying again and my heart breaks for her daughter’s loss. I can’t even imagine my life without Lily, and I know what it was like to lose my wife. It all makes sense now; her uneasiness around my little girl, the way she keeps herself locked away from the rest of the world. Kate looks up at me, her eyes red and swollen from crying.
“She’s still hurt inside and so afraid to let herself love again. But I’m her mother, and I know she likes you. I’ve seen that today. I know I’m asking a lot of you, but I need you to help her. Don’t give up on her. If you do care as much as I think you do, then help her.”
“Look Kate, I don’t know how. I mean, you saw how she reacts around me. I don’t think I’m what she needs.”
“You don’t understand. She’s been in treatment for five years, David. Five long and hard years. Nothing is working. I don’t want to see my baby girl die. She’s already half way there.” Her words pain me. I’ve known her daughter for just a few months and she’s already got me all wrapped up in her. God, what am I thinking trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved? I’m no freaking hero and this is so much bigger than anything I’ve ever encountered.
“Tell you what, Kate. I promise I’ll do all I can to get her to open up but don’t expect some miracle. I’m no doctor; I don’t know what she needs. Most of all, you can’t force her into anything.”
“I understand. Thank you so much. I can’t even begin to tell you what this means to me.”
Her mother’s words are still haunting me hours later as I try to finish my work. Nothing comes to mind that I could use to break down the walls Jenny has built around herself. She wants me to believe she’s this iceberg, void of any kind of human feelings, but her body told me a different story. I felt her tremble under my touch and I wanted so much more. She is my unhealthy addiction, the only thing I want to taste each morning when I first open my eyes, the one thing I want to touch right before I go to sleep.
I haven’t seen Jenny since that day. I’ve watched her house from time to time—not in a creepy way, mind you, hoping to get at least a glimpse of her face. No such luck, so far.
I know all about hurt, hell, I’ve lived it after Becky died. It’s not like I forgot that morning call that changed our lives forever. The day I was informed by some stranger that my wife had been killed in a car accident. I knew pain and its effects, and Jenny had endured more than enough. I had to find a way to get her to see me.
Chapter 6
Jen
The weeks go by uneventfully and I have to force myself to leave the house just to see Dr. Collins. As the time goes by, I start feeling more and more at home in my new place and yet still lonely. For months now I’ve managed to avoid David, but I know soon I will have to face reality and accept the fact that there might be something there between us, however small. I mean, for the first time in a long while I actually don’t mind someone’s company. Am I in love? Not by a long shot. But I do like him… I think. No matter how long goes by without seeing him, my heart still does this strange thing, as I think of the few touches we’ve exchanged.
The day my mother walked out of my house crying was the day I decided to get my life back. It was the really cold, hard slap I needed to realize that something had to change. I was too much of a coward to follow Sam to the other side, and loved my mom too much to keep causing her so much pain. That very day I made the difficult but important phone call to Dr. Collins, and, as expected, she was more than happy to help me.
“Very well dear,” she said when I asked if she would see me the next day. “I was actually going to take the day off and do some shopping, but I’ll make an exception for you. Be here around eleven, not a moment later.”
I wish I could tell you that I had a restful sleep that night but I would be lying. The truth is I didn’t sleep a wink, as thoughts of Sam and what could’ve been were haunting me. I know if he were alive and I was gone, I would want the best for him. I would want him to move on no matter how hard it is to acknowledge that. It is simply the truth. We all want the people we love to be happy. Always.
As I am getting ready for my meeting with Dr. Collins, I try to prepare myself for whatever she’s going to have me do. I know it won’t be easy; after all, I’ve been this way for over five years, and I’m sure I’m not going get my life back just by the snap of her fingers. I’ll have to face my demons and fight them back with all I got. Not just for my mom but for me also.
I dress in comfortable and warm clothes: jeans and a cashmere turtleneck. I hi
de my hair under the knitted hat that my mom gave me last Christmas and slide my arms into the heavy coat, praying I won’t freeze my buns on the way. The moment I step outside, the wind cuts through the layers of my clothes and I wonder if maybe I should drive there. I decide the walk will do me good and help me clear my head. I pass David’s house and force myself not to look up, just in case he might be at his kitchen window.
The streets are covered with fresh snow and I know by midnight the whole street is going to look like a magical painting all covered in a white blanket. There are not too many pedestrians, obviously most people are smarter than me and are either driving or staying indoors, but that doesn’t really bother me. The lobby is empty, as expected, so I push the buzzer and pray she didn’t forget about our appointment.
“Come on up, Jen.”
I take the stairs and by the time I get to her office, I’m out of breath and sweating like a raging bull. Out of courtesy I knock on the door and she surprises me by opening it.
“Come on in, dear. How are you?” She’s dressed pretty much the same as me, with dark jeans and a very pretty pink sweater with a violet turtleneck underneath. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in anything but a suit. She looks years younger and very approachable, which is probably why she goes for the other attire during her patients’ visits.
“I’m very well, thank you.”
“So this has to be something really important that you asked me to see you today. Did something happen lately?” I move toward the sofa but she stops me. “No, no. Not today. I think we’ll try something different today.” I watch her as she takes her fur coat and slides her arms into it.
“What are you doing?” I ask, surprised.
“We’re going out.”
“You mean… no, you can’t possibly mean that. I need to talk to you about important stuff, and I won’t be able to concentrate out there.”
“Look dear, I told you today was my day off. We’ve been meeting for a very long time, Jennifer, and nothing has worked. This might be just what you need. Come along now. I’m going to buy you lunch.” I’m left speechless and can’t do anything but follow her. She stops by a very slick black car parked in front of the building and opens the passenger door for me. “Get in.” I get comfortable and fasten my seatbelt, and she does the same. The car purrs to life and we take off to God knows where.
“Oh relax. I’m not kidnapping you.” She’s smiling, something she doesn’t do often. I’ve never seen her outside her office and this person is very different than what I’m used to. “So tell me Jen, what happened?”
“I made my mom cry again. I keep hurting her and I just can’t keep doing that. I’m afraid one day she’s going to stop coming over or stop returning my calls.”
“You know that’s not possible. But I agree with the hurting part. We all hurt the ones we love at least once in our lifetime. We don’t do it on purpose, it just happens. Acknowledging that we’re doing something wrong is the first step into the right direction. Calling me was your second step.” I’m going to be doing a lot of walking before I can make it all right. Better get my sneakers ready and pray that my legs don’t break before the finish line. Dr. Collins stops the car in front of some fancy restaurant I’ve never been to. “Come on, I’m starving.”
The inside of the restaurant is breathtaking. There is so much to take in, from the flower arrangements, chandeliers, white linens, to the amazing art adorning the walls. There is a water fountain in the lobby, a smaller but perfect replica of the fountain of St. Peter’s Square I saw once in Rome.
“Dr. Collins, what a pleasure to see you again.” A tall older gentleman dressed impeccably approaches us and immediately takes Dr. Collins’ hand and gives her a light kiss. “It’s been a while.”
“Hello Alexander. This is my friend Jennifer.”
“A pleasure,” he says, but his eyes are still on her. It’s obvious he’s got some mad love for my doctor. “Your usual table, bella?”
“Yes, that would be wonderful.” If I didn’t know any better, I would say she just blushed. Oh this was going to be so much fun. Alexander takes us to a table by the window then, just as she’s about to sit, he leans and whispers something into her ear. Yes, definitely blushing now. Almost makes me feel bad for intruding on her day off—almost. As soon as he walks away, a young waiter comes with chilled Perrier and two menus. Everything looks amazing and once again I feel overwhelmed. Sam always promised that one day he would take me to a place just like this one back in Seattle. We were too young and barely starting our lives to afford anything like this, but that didn’t stop us from making plans. Now, thanks to him, I could probably afford to eat here every day for the rest of my life, but it just didn’t feel right anymore. Nothing felt right without him. I try to focus on the menu and push back the lump in my throat.
“The salmon is to die for here, darling, in case you feel like having fish. Or the chicken marsala.”
“Everything looks good. What do you usually get?”
“I like the steak. If I’m going to treat myself, it better be with something out of the ordinary, right? I eat enough fish and chicken during the week.” And there it is, that relaxed smile again. Who is this woman? The waiter returns to take our orders and true to her word, she orders the steak, medium rare, with a side of garlic mashed, and grilled asparagus. I decide to try to chicken marsala with a side of orzo pasta with grilled veggies.
“We’ll have the pasta fagioli soup to start. Thank you dear.” She doesn’t miss a beat. As soon as the waiter leaves us she starts questioning me. “So tell me, how’s the writing going?” I think about it for a moment, remembering the last time I actually wrote anything. It was when I read back my own words that I realized how disturbing my stories were. It was as if some dark force had taken over my mind and was purging these extremely scary thoughts out on the paper.
“I stopped writing. Turns out it wasn’t really my thing after all. I’m thinking of going back into teaching.”
“That’s a wonderful idea, but you know it will take a lot of work on your part. You’ll have to be out of treatment before you can go back to that.”
“I know that.” The soup arrives and it is the most delicious soup I’ve ever had. I savor the warm broth, the mixture of pasta and white beans and the aromatic herbs and spices. It is heaven in a bowl. “Dr. Collins-”
“Call me Valerie, dear.”
“Valerie. I want to live again. Obviously I wasn’t good at dying. You know I tried. It’s all in the files. So I might as well try this whole living thing. I owe it to my mom.”
“No Jen. You owe it to yourself. You can’t change your life for anyone but yourself. Not even for your mom. I can tell you right now that when you try changing for other people, in the end you’ll end up resenting them and yourself for that matter. You have to want this for you.”
We move from the soup to the main course, the portions large enough to feed an army. Valerie’s steak covers most of the plate; I can’t imagine this little lady being able to finish that much food in one sitting. My chicken is as delicious as it smells, smothered in marsala wine sauce and wild mushrooms. Oh I could get used to this. I close my eyes as I take the first bite and let the mixture of flavors and textures do a little dance inside my mouth, arousing my taste buds.
“Maybe I do owe it to myself. Or maybe I’m not meant to have the happily ever after. David sure makes me want it though.”
“David? Tell me about him.” Where do I start? Do I tell her that every time I see him, my knees go weak? That just a glimpse of Lily makes my whole day a lot better?
“He is my neighbor; a very persistent neighbor too. He stops by my house and drops flowers every once in a while. He doesn’t know I see him; he just drops them off at the door then walks away. Not in a creepy way but, I don’t know, in a kind of sweet way.”
“What do you mean he doesn’t know you can see him?”
“Well, I have a camera installed so even if I’m in my of
fice I can see who’s passing by my house or if someone stops at the front door. Anyway, he once told me that he knows all about pain and that eventually it gets better. Of course, I almost bit his head off and pretty much told him to never bother me again.” I shudder just remembering that day.
“Jennifer, you’ve been under my care for a very long time. In this time you’ve become very dear to me. So because of that I feel that I must share something with you. Something that will hopefully help you better understand why everyone keeps telling you that you too can move on.” She puts her fork down without touching her food and folds her delicate hands on her lap. Her face is a mix of emotions. Whatever it is that she’s about to tell me must be very important and close to her heart. She looks almost pained.
“Let me tell you a little story. No, no, you go ahead and eat. I knew a young girl once. She was just a few years younger than you. Beautiful and full of life but also very naïve. She met a young man while she was still in high school and as soon as she turned eighteen she decided to get married. There was nothing her parents could’ve said or done to stop her. And so she moved away with her prince charming. At first everything was wonderful, just like she imagined it would be. But then things started to change and the prince was no longer as charming. When he realized she couldn’t have kids, he became violent, started drinking, and having affairs. Affairs he didn’t even try to hide from her. Two years later he left and never came back.”
I listen to Valerie as she tells the story, her voice full of pain and I wonder just how close she was to that girl.
“The young girl became very depressed and eventually was forced to return to her parents’ home. No matter how hard they tried to get her well, in the end her pain was too much to take and she lost the battle. Her mother found her in the bathroom, lying in a pool of blood.” Valerie’s eyes are now filled with unshed tears and my heart breaks for her. “Jen, the young girl, was my daughter. It’s been a long time since I told anyone that story, but no matter how many years will go by, it will always feel like it happened yesterday. We all have pain and sorrow even if some of us don’t show it to the rest of the world. It took me years to learn to live with the pain and move on. You can learn too, if you want it badly enough. You’ll never forget; no one can take away those memories. You just have to learn to keep the good ones and discard the painful ones. And I can help you with that.”
