“Look at me,” he ground out.
And she was helpless to deny him. Her eyes opened, met his in the pale silver light from the crescent of moon outside her window. He began to move. She shifted a little, and he released her wrists, only to take her hands in his and lay them at either side of her head, his fingers twining with hers.
“Be with me, Maggie.” He whispered it against her lips, kissed her once as he began to move. “Let go.”
And without intending to, she opened herself to him, felt him tremble as she trembled, muscles that wanted to race held to a brutally slow pace. His hands clenched around hers, tighter and tighter as pleasure bloomed and lifted them. His gaze held hers until his eyes glazed over. And when he locked himself inside her she went blind and deaf, lost to everything but the ecstasy ripping through her, and the echo of it tearing him to pieces.
He slid down, shifted to one side. But his legs were still a welcome weight over hers, his breath was hot at her neck, and his hands left hers, slipping down to gather her close as he planted a soft kiss at her temple.
And her heart fell at his feet.
Chapter Twenty-One
Days passed—days of sleeping together, eating together, working together. Days of hands brushing absentmindedly, of meals shared, of conversation and laughter. And yet, Maggie thought, it wasn’t all circling hearts and singing birds. There was a shadow looming, a… lack, she thought, a missing emotional component that she wanted badly to find.
And if it scared her to death? She’d learned a long time ago that fear was to be faced.
So she’d made comments about the inconvenience of going to the Horizon for clean clothes, observations about how Dex was spending most of his time at her house anyway, broad hints about saving the price of a hotel room. And okay, she hadn’t come right out and asked him to stay with her, but she’d beaten around the bush so much there was nothing left of the damn bush except a pile of dead brown leaves and broken branches.
Dex was always ready with some excuse, most usually the lack of privacy with Hold in the house. The truth was, though, Dex was holding back. So was she, Maggie thought. That was another truth because, since the day of the Admiral’s… invasion, she’d had a hard time looking Dex in the eye. Not because of her father; it was the moment after. That moment in Dex’s arms, of comfort offered and comfort taken. That moment when, for the first time, she’d begun to realize just how deeply in over her head she’d gotten.
She’d turned a corner that night, shattered boundaries, stepped over a line into something she wanted to retreat from, and couldn’t. It scared her to death.
“Where’s Dex?”
Maggie looked up from the page she’d been pretending to read, and when she saw Jessi staring expectantly at her, she wanted to blurt out all the insecurity, all the fear and worry and sadness over what the future might bring. But she just wasn’t ready yet. “Dex went into the village, Jess; said he wanted to put in a little face time, keep any lines of communication open.”
Jessi’s response was a long “Hmmmmmm” that Maggie refused to read into.
“Making any progress?”
“No.” She put the page aside, picked up the next. “There’s a reference here and there to running illegal liquor, a few passages about the epidemic, but nothing to do with Eugenia. At least not that I can decipher. What’s up with you?”
“I just came over to tell you I booked a charter for Monday. It should dovetail nicely with the errands that have been piling up.”
“Mmm-hmm.” Maggie put another page aside, waiting for Jessi to get to the point.
“You haven’t been to the office for two entire days, Maggie.”
“I’ve been working my way through these damn journals.” Searching desperately for the information that would solve Dex’s case so he’d leave. Or stay. Either way it would tip the scales, and she’d have an answer.
“You should come over and see how much we have done on the genealogy. It’s really coming along.”
“Yeah, I’ll do that first chance.”
“I think the thing you need to do first chance is admit you’re falling in love with Dex Keegan.”
Jesus, it showed? Maggie kept her eyes on the page in her hand, her trembling hand, managing to remind herself that Jessi knew her inside and out. Dex was pretty insightful, too, and that gave her another bad moment. But he hadn’t been looking any closer at her than she had at him.
“It’s only been a few weeks.”
“Your life is here and his isn’t.” Jessi leaned a hip against the table. “You can’t trust him because he lied to you. Any other excuses you can think of?”
“How about I don’t have time for this.” Maggie shoved her chair back, took to her feet to pace. “Talk me out of it.”
Jessi crossed her arms, amused. “How?”
“I don’t know. Tell me I’m crazy.”
“Fine, you’re crazy, but Maggie, love is crazy. If you do it right.”
Maggie stopped, scrubbed both hands back through her hair. “I don’t know how to do it right.”
She wanted to, though. She could have hated Jessi for making her feel the way her stomach burned and her throat ached, the way her head took one long, confusing spin because she wanted so desperately to be loved it pared her down to a big ball of need.
She stared at her fisted hands as if they belonged to someone else. Someone weak and wounded. Someone helpless, empty.
Someone who’d look to the first man who really attracted her to fill that emptiness? “Maybe I only think I’m… I might be starting to feel that way because I’ve never done it right. Maybe I just want it so badly—”
“Stop it,” Jessi snapped, harshly enough to slap Maggie out of her funk. “If you were that kind of person you’d have gone through men and marriages like the Atlantic chewed up ships two hundred years ago. You haven’t dated in at least six months, and by dated, I don’t mean scratched a mutual itch without getting emotionally involved.”
“Well, that’s flattering. I’ve gone from an emotionally-driven nutcase to an unfeeling slut.”
“You know what I mean, Mags. You don’t walk around looking for love with every man you cross paths with. The fact that you’re in love—” she held up a hand when Maggie would have taken issue with that assessment, “it’s not just about sex anymore, is it?”
Maggie chewed on that a minute, but when she tried to convince herself Jessi was wrong, she felt Dex’s arms around her again, the peace and comfort even the sound of her father’s departing Huey had been unable to shatter. And she accepted. “It doesn’t mean I should make it worse by dragging Dex into the insanity.”
“You have to at least give him the option, Maggie.”
“He doesn’t feel the same way—”
“Who doesn’t?” Dex appeared in the doorway, Hold Abbot standing behind him like a big, handsome shadow. “What way?”
Maggie fielded Jessi’s pointed look, ignored the slight, encouraging tip of her head in Dex’s direction. “Time and place,” she murmured to Jessi. Not here, not now.
Jessi nodded slightly, and it gave Maggie a different kind of comfort to know her best friend understood that she had to live with it a little while before she could take the next step. She looked over at Dex. The next, completely scary step.
“Are you two going to use actual words at some point?”
Hold just stood there, smiling archly and giving Maggie the sick feeling he knew exactly what was going on. But Hold wasn’t her problem.
“Ummm,” Jessi began, “I came over to tell Maggie she has a new charter. With Jim Oldham. Maggie had a crush on him in school. He, uh, moved to the mainland, so we haven’t seen him for a while. We were just reminiscing,” she broke off, giggled as she slanted her best friend a look. “He had this mole just here,” she pointed to the small of her back. “You know how guys like to wear their pants at half mast. Remember, Mags?”
Maggie opened her mouth, shut it when Hold caught the
scowl on Dex’s face and grinned even wider. “How about we all get to work? I know Dex wants to solve this case as fast as humanly possible.”
“Well, we all have lives outside of…” Jessi glanced at the table littered with papers, “this. But that doesn’t mean we can’t, well, bond over it. Right, Dex?”
“I wouldn’t want to interfere with business.”
“A girl’s gotta make a buck,” Maggie shot back, stung by his snotty tone.
“You’re going to charge an old friend like Jim?”
“Sure. I don’t let anything interfere with business.”
Dex moved in on her, lowered his voice. “What crawled up your ass?”
“Nothing. What crawled up yours?”
“Maggie,” Jessi interjected, giving Dex a meaningful look.
Maggie narrowed her eyes, and then it hit her. “Oh. Oh.”
Jessi and Hold laughed.
“What the hell’s so funny?”
“Well, son,” Hold said to Dex, “I could explain it to you, but I’m thinking you won’t see it as such a laughing matter.”
“How about you let me be the judge of that?”
Hold opened his mouth, but Jessi took his arm and started to pull him out of the room.
“Now, if you want my company, Jessica,” Hold said to her, “all you have to do is ask.”
“Fine, Holden, would you come with me, please?” She shot Dex a look. “And keep your mouth shut while you’re doing it.”
“With pleasure. Ma’am,” he said, tipping an imaginary hat to Maggie.
“Wait a minute,” Dex yelled after them. “What the hell is going on here?”
“I’d like to help you, Dex, but I think my assistant is right. She’s not the one who should do the explaining here.”
“It took you long enough to figure that out,” Jessi called from the entryway. “And I’m not your assistant.”
Hold’s response was nothing more than a murmur, cut off when the door shut behind him.
Maggie took her customary chair at the table, then got to her feet again when she couldn’t settle. Not with Dex watching her so carefully.
“Maggie—”
“Jessi thinks I should admit I’m in love with you.” She blurted it out fast, like ripping off a bandage.
He stared at her for a second, deer in the headlights.
He might as well have hit her. It wasn’t just hard to breathe; the mere attempt to draw air into her lungs made her feel like she’d swallowed razor blades. She pressed the heel of her hand over her heart. The pressure helped a little. “I knew this was a bad idea.”
Dex caught her arm when she turned to go. “Maggie, wait, you can’t just say something like that and walk away. You have to give me a minute.”
There were a dozen reactions he could have had. I love you too came to mind, or even Thank you, which would have been painful enough. But this? “You needing a minute pretty much says it all, Dex.”
He shoved his hands back through his hair, fisting them for a minute. “Jesus, Maggie, let me think. I mean, your father was just here and you’re still hurting…”
“So I’m looking for someone to lean on?”
“No. Hell, you don’t lean on anyone. It’s just… Do you get how big a step this is?”
“Yeah, I do. But you don’t think so. I don’t have the foundation, so I can’t understand what real love is.” Funny, she would have thought her background made her uniquely qualified to understand love—when it was real, and when it wasn’t.
“Stop putting words into my mouth.”
“Fine. You talk.”
But he didn’t, and she couldn’t bear the silence.
“Let me toss out a subject or two,” she said. “We’ve already established that I’m only reacting to my father being here, how never having his love makes me incapable—”
“Stop. Just stop.”
She lifted her eyes to his, met his gaze, and made herself hold it even when she recognized the emotion she saw there as pity.
He reached for her, but she moved away.
“When I told you about my family, I never expected you to use it against me.”
“I’m not using it against you, Maggie, it’s just that I’ve seen what that kind of… environment does to people. To kids especially.”
“So the real problem here is you.” And recognizing that was so very little comfort. He’d grown up with love; it was a shame he’d forgotten that. “Despite your environment, you choose to believe that the few people who’ve used your services represent the vast majority of humanity.”
“You’re the one who told me not to fall in love with you.”
“Well, this is a hell of a time to start taking my advice.”
Dex shoved his hands in his pockets, looking trapped and confused and miserable. “I can’t seem to say the right thing.”
“You got your point across all the same,” Maggie said, heading into the entryway.
She just couldn’t stand there in the same room any longer, wanting him so desperately she ached with it, even after he’d broken her heart. Hell, she couldn’t even blame Dex. He was right. She had warned him not to get emotionally involved with her. Worse, she’d known he wouldn’t stay on Windfall Island. She was the one who’d tripped; whatever got broken in the fall was her own fault. “I think you should go.”
He dropped his gaze from hers, turned away, turned back. Hope filled her, and everything inside her lifted, soared.
Then he spoke.
“Maybe you’re right about me. Maybe my work has jaded me. God knows I’ve seen the damage people do to each other in the name of love.”
“Is that supposed to—” She broke off, reminded herself it wasn’t Dex’s place to make her feel better. “If you lo… If you felt anything for me, you wouldn’t be looking for ways to convince me I don’t know what I feel.” He wouldn’t be turning her love back on her.
“I’m sorry for putting you in this position.” She smiled slightly, sadly. “That’s three times I’ve apologized to you. A hat trick. That ought to give you a foothold in the village. They’ll tell you I don’t apologize easily.”
“Christ, Maggie, let’s take a step back.”
She did just that because he reached for her again, and if he touched her… If he touched her she’d shatter, into pieces so small she’d never put them all back together again. She’d given him her heart, he’d refused it. She wouldn’t give him her tears, too.
“There’s no stepping back, Dex,” she said quietly. “There’s only stepping away now.”
“And that’s what you’re doing.”
“Is it?”
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I’m the one who stepped back, Maggie. I get that. But if you think—”
“I think you should keep going. The door is right behind you.”
He met her gaze again, finally. “This isn’t over.”
She stared right back at him, knew he’d see the pain in her eyes, the sorrow. And the resolve. “I’ll work with you, Dex. I made a commitment.”
“But there won’t be anything personal.”
“I hope we can be friends.” But not just now, she thought. Not until she’d had time to… What? She’d never loved any man before, she’d never loved anyone or anything, even flying, the way she loved Dex Keegan. She had no idea how it would hit her when he was gone. But she knew how to handle it now, with him watching her so carefully.
She pulled open the front door, and held it for him. Even feeling like everything inside her was shredded and screaming with pain, she refused to let him see it.
“I’m sorry,” Dex said as he went through it. He turned to face her. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Maggie. I didn’t know I could.”
She lost her breath at that, very nearly doubled over before pride put iron into her spine. Bad enough that he didn’t love her back, but he didn’t think her capable of love? “I’m responsible for my own feelings,” she said as she closed the door on him.<
br />
And it was going to hit her now, she realized. It was going to hit her hard. She went into the living room she never used and sank into a big overstuffed easy chair, pulling her feet up and letting her head sink onto her knees. That chair had been in that room since the day she’d moved into the house, and she’d sat in it maybe twice before. Her house was as empty as her heart, she thought, so broken and cold and sad she couldn’t even cry.
The sun started to set, the room grew dark and chilly, and still she sat, numb finally. When her cell chimed, she answered it out of habit, then wished she hadn’t.
Still, she thought, as she got stiffly to her feet, she couldn’t stop living because she’d fallen in love with Dex Keegan, and he didn’t love her back.
Dex didn’t remember making the walk from Maggie’s house to the office, but somehow he found himself there, with Hold and Jessi both staring at him.
Jessi said something; her lips moved, but he didn’t hear anything over the roar of his heart thudding in his ears. He felt a little shell-shocked, disoriented, not quite sure what had happened, let alone how he was supposed to feel about it. About Maggie.
Someone—Jessi—tugged at his arm, and the room snapped into painfully sharp focus. Sharp and loud.
“Dex.”
He brushed her off, sank into a chair.
“Dex.” Jessi crouched down in front of him. “What happened?”
“I’m not sure.” But he told Jessi. Maybe she could explain it to him, he thought, as he stumbled his way through the surreal conversation with Maggie—it couldn’t be termed an argument, not when they’d both been so fucking polite.
As a cop and PI he’d trained himself to remember details when he wasn’t in a position to write things down. He wanted badly to forget, but every word came back to him now, every emotion he’d seen in her brilliant blue eyes.
She’d looked so young, he thought, so impossibly young and fragile when he’d tossed her feelings back in her face, but she’d been implacable and clear-minded when she opened the door and invited him to walk out of her life.
Temptation Bay (A Windfall Island Novel) Page 24
