by Birch, S. C.
“Well that’s grim.” said Cameron.
“I know, right?” said Emily, “It kinda goes without saying so I don’t know why he needs to like, actually tell people.”
“You think that if your friend is bitten then killing them goes without saying?” asked Daniel.
“Well, yeah.” said Emily, “If you get bit and can’t hack off the bite, you make sure you wreck the brain. You know, scrambled eggs style.”
“True story.” Jack said at his phone.
“Oh. That’s quite sad.” Daniel said. He started rubbing his thumbs together, “I hope that doesn’t happen to us.”
“Yeah, Daniel, I think we’re all rooting for that not to happen.” Cameron said.
“Oh my God, I’m an idiot.” Owen said and sprung from his seat. Lucy snorted and Owen glared but continued talking, “I have a zombie survival book up the stairs. Could be fun. I’ll be back in a minute.”
Owen ran up his wide staircase and straight into his library, ran his hands along his shelves, found his book, shouted “Found it.” to himself, and bolted back down the stairs again.
“Right.” said Owen as he sat down and flicked through the pages of ‘What To Do In The Unfortunate Case Of A Zombie Outbreak’. He thumbed past the ‘Possible Causes’ chapter and the ‘Properties Of A Zombie’ chapter until he got to the actual survival part, which he read aloud to the group.
“Now that you are fully clued up on the gruesome anatomy of a zombie -”
Daniel interrupted him, “But we’re not.”
“We don’t need to read it, we all know it. Right, so, gruesome anatomy of a zombie, you need -”
“Maybe you do, but I don’t.” cut in Daniel again.
“Look! Just go for the head. That’s it, that’s literally all you need to know. Anyway. You need to make sure that -”
Lucy interrupted this time, “Are we seriously taking advice from a fucking work of fiction?”
Owen groaned and glared at Lucy, “Jesus, can I talk? Unless you have a better idea let me read.”
Lucy scowled.
“Right then. I’m starting again. Now that you are fully clued up on the gruesome anatomy of a zombie, you need to make sure that you determine where home base will be -”
“Well, I think we’ve got that part covered.” Jack said.
Owen dropped the book, “That’s it. I’m done. Fuck it. You can sort it.”
Grace hummed a little, “Should we maybe try to board up the house?”
“That sounds as good a place as any to start.” Jack said.
“That’s what we do now then. You have any problems with us rearranging your furniture?” Cameron asked.
“I don’t care. Do whatever. Just leave the front door free.” said Owen.
“Good thinking, mate.” Jack said.
“How is that good thinking?” asked Lucy.
And Owen was going to answer, when again, he was interrupted.
“Well if they get in the last thing we want is to be trapped with them. At least if the front door’s locked but not boarded up or whatever then we can get out.” said Jack.
“Holy shit, you are fucking frustrating.” Owen said.
“But you make it so easy for us.” Cameron said, smirking.
Owen scooped up his book and threw it at Cameron, who laughed in response.
“Can we please get back to the plan?” Lucy asked, her patience clearly wearing thin.
“Fine.” Cameron said, still smiling, “Why don’t we go get furniture and just bring it down here?”
“Ew, no.” said Emily who was sprawled out on the sofa, “That’s way too much effort. How’s about you all go get stuff and me, Lucy and Grace will help when you’ve got it all.”
“Sounds good to me,” Jack said, “you’ll only slow us down anyway.”
Emily screwed up her face, “If I wasn’t so sleepy I’d make you take that back.”
“I’m sure you would.” Jack said, his words laced heavily with sarcasm.
And as Emily went to retort, Owen cut in, “It’s way too fucking early for a Brooker fight. Just wait here.” he said, then the boys left.
While Lucy was sitting alone, the other two girls were together on the other side of the room. Grace’s legs, which were tucked under herself, were also acting as a pillow for Emily’s bare feet.
“You doing okay?” Emily asked.
“Yeah. I think. Glad I’m with you.” said Grace as she tugged at her shawl.
“Me too. But don’t worry, I know the rules. I’ll keep you right.” said Emily.
Grace smiled and placed her hand on Emily’s leg.
Lucy sighed and hung her head back on the sofa.
“We’ll look after you, too. That wasn’t like, an exclusion or anything.” said Emily.
“I know. And that’s the thing. You’re all so calm about this. How?”
Emily shrugged, “I dunno. I mean, we’ve been talking for years about what we would, you know, do during a zombie outbreak. Guess we’re just prepared is all.”
Lucy laughed in disbelief and shook her head. How on earth could someone say they were prepared for this and mean it?
While the girls were doing nothing, the boys were upstairs emptying out Owen’s books form his bookcases (which is where books are usually found) and dumping them on the floor. It both horrified Owen and broke his heart.
“Owen?”
“Daniel?” asked Owen, still mourning his books.
“You were in a zombie movie. Is this different from that?”
“Well, it was a film, so yeah, there are some differences to real life.”
“What like?” Daniel asked.
“For starters, I was a soldier in that with weapons and training and stuff. Those zombies were actors in fake blood. And I died at the end of the film, so I’m hoping that doesn’t happen this time round.”
“Dude! Spoiler warning!” Jack said.
“You die?” Daniel dropped a bundle of books and spun to Owen, “I didn’t know that. That’s the movie ruined.”
Owen winced as he watched his books fall to the ground. He looked at them and knew that the spines would get creased and the pages would be crumpled if this continued, “Christ can you please be more careful and not worry about the stupid movie?”
The boys worked hard heaving Owen’s furniture down the stairs and into the foyer. It was tiring for all, except Daniel who had incredible stamina. He seemed to be enjoying himself. He walked into the living room and to the girls.
“Is she asleep?” he asked, looking at Emily who was curled up on the sofa.
Grace leaned over and examined Emily’s face, “I think she is.” she took off her shawl and draped it over Emily’s shoulders.
“That girl could sleep through an apocalypse.” Lucy said, “Oh, wait. Look at that, she actually has.”
***
After some hours Emily awoke and found, to her delight, the house was pretty much done. She turned around on the sofa, surveying the living room. The windows were partially boarded up with furniture. And as she would later discover the windows throughout the rest of the house and back door had been blocked too and the house was as secure as it was going to get.
“Oh, finally awake, are you?” Owen asked as he noticed her stir.
“Hmmmm, no.” Emily said, then rolled over again.
“Get the fuck up!” Jack barked.
Emily gave him the middle finger instead.
“Jack?” Grace asked. “Will you help me make food for everyone?”
“Yeah!” he said, sounding a little more excited than he probably intended. “Shitty instant noodles for breakfast. How exciting.”
Owen sat down beside Mortimer and gave him a cuddle.
“Ah, I’m sorry, boy. We locked the back door before I took you out.”
Mortimer yawned in response.
“Christ, err,” Owen stood up and scooped his dog into his arms, “Guess the shower will have to do for now.”
“Gross.” Daniel said.
“I know,” Owen said as he walked out the living room, “but I’m low on options.
“Aww, Cam!”
“Yes, Daniel?” Cameron said, sighing.
“I didn’t give Eric one of those week-long cube things.”
Cameron was a little too stunned to talk for a moment. But when he did, he said, “It’s only a goldfish. He’ll find algae at the bottom of his tank or something. Don’t worry.”
Daniel pushed his mouth along his cheek, “Yeah. Probably.”
“My God. He’s a fish.” said Lucy, “Not the height of our worries just now.”
“But he’s my fish.” Daniel grumbled.
Cameron laughed, “She has a point.”
“So?” said Daniel, “I like Eric. He’s cool.”
Cameron threw himself down beside Emily, laughing a little at both Daniel’s woes and Emily’s complete lack of worries.
Lucy was standing by the door, holding her phone. Flipping it over in her palm. She had been fighting the urge to look at her phone again since this morning, but now the urge was overwhelming. Like a festering scab desperate to be picked. She succumbed to the itch and opened her phone; total destruction. Every report, statistic, articles and survival plans all showed a world in chaos. The words ‘Wide Spread’ and ‘Extremely Dangerous’ streamed across her phone. And still no messages. Lucy felt anger grow inside her and her eyes burn hot so marched out of the room.
“Where’s she going?” asked Daniel.
Cameron rolled his eyes, “I’m supposed to know that, how?”
Jack and Grace walked into the living room with seven half-filled bowls of stodgy noodles.
“Right, bitches. Dinner time!” Jack shouted, then noticed Owen and Lucy were missing, “Where’d they two go? Wait, don’t tell me -”
Cameron shook his head and took two bowls, “Owen’s away with Mortimer and Lucy, well I don’t actually know where she’s gone.” he said and sat back down, handing a bowl to Emily who was starting to move again.
“Oh, fair enough then.” said Jack as he set out the two remaining bowls on the coffee table and they all sat in silence and ate. Their noodles were sticky and bland; breakfast for the kings. Owen reappeared with a rather unhappy looking Mortimer in tow who swiftly scurried away with his tail between his legs.
“Ah! Thanks.” said Owen as he took a bowl and shovelled it into his mouth.
Jack glared.
And Owen smirked in response, “Don’t know why you’re so unhappy. These taste gooood.”
“You are no friend of mine.”
Owen shrugged, “Feel free to leave. Send a postc-.”
Lucy screamed.
Instant fear knotted itself in Owen’s stomach. He jumped from his seat and ran, dropping his bowl. The room surged into a panic. Owen hurled himself through his doorway and chased Lucy’s scream to the staircase, his friends close behind. Owen knew he needed a weapon. But he knew he didn’t have time. He needed to help her. He ran up the stairs, grabbing the railing and hauling himself upwards. Owen reached the top and turned up the hall to where the screaming had been. Emily caught her foot on the last step and dropped to the ground. She yelped on the way down, but Cameron picked her up and they continued running.
They found Lucy in the middle of the wide hall. She was stood, looking at her feet and shivering. Her arms pulled in and her body hunched forwards.
“Lucy? What happened?” asked Grace.
Slowly, Lucy turned her head away from her feet and up to her friends. “Your. Fucking. Dog!”
Owen’s face stretched out in fear and he ran away to find Mortimer.
Emily grabbed Lucy’s arms, “Are you hurt? Did one get in? Where is it? What did it do? Did you kill it? How many are there? Do you know wh-”
“Shut up, Emily!” Jack said as he pushed his sister away, “Lucy, tell us what happened? Did a zombie get in?”
“What? No, no! There’s no… No!” Lucy said.
Grace walked closer to Lucy, her face showing her clear puzzlement, “Then why were you screaming?”
Lucy looked down at her trainers, “Mortimer shit on the carpet!”
Cameron barged his way through his friends and up to Lucy. He looked at those shoes, caked in black sludge, then he got angry. “Did you seriously just scream like that because you got shit on your shoes?”
Lucy nodded.
Daniel let out a huge huff, “Don’t do that! We all thought you were being attacked!”
“Owen! It’s all right! Lucy just took a mental is all!” Jack shouted into the hall.
Owen, who hadn’t found Mortimer yet and was beginning to panic, marched back to the hall and looked at the scene. Lucy was still shivering in disgust, but everyone else just looked angry. Then he spotted the source of Lucy’s mental. His whole body jerked. Then again, a little harder. Owen brought his hand to his face and covered his mouth. He jerked again and broke into a roar of a laugh. The kind of laugh that spreads hard and fast; starting at your chest and coursing out to your limbs. And once Owen started, everyone got involved. They all laughed through their relief and started to wander away. Even Lucy saw the funny side. She slipped off her shoes and picked them up, being sure to avoid touching the contamination of course.
While still laughing, Owen said, “On you go downstairs. I’ll sort this.”
Jack led the charge. He thumped each of his feet as he descended the stairs with a chuckle and a head shake. Grace and Lucy cuddled into each other. Emily rubbed her arm which already had a large purple lump growing out of it, and Cameron headed straight for the kitchen with Daniel to find tools to help with the cleaning. But once they got there, their laughter was shattered. The wrappers and packaging of their already scarce food lay torn and scattered around the floor. Inedible specs and crumbs littered the linoleum.
“Fuck!” Cameron yelled at the floor.
Daniel whimpered and dropped to the floor, trying to salvage any scraps of food he could. Everything was coated in slime and a foul stench of rotted meat clung to the air.
“Everything alright?” asked Jack as he walked in. “What in the shitting hell happened in here?”
“I doubt it was a fucking zombie, so I’m going to go ahead and accuse the stupid dog!” shouted Cameron.
“What’s goin’ – no-no-no-no!” said Emily as she emerged.
Jack walked around the debris, picking up anything that looked like it could still be edible, “How did Mortimer even get up here? I haven’t seen him jump up anything in years.”
Then Grace and Lucy walked in.
“But I fed him. He can’t have been hungry…” said Grace.
Lucy tensed up her shoulders and clenched her fists. “I’m going to actually murder that fucking dog!” she said then spun on her feet and marched up the stairs to Owen.
“Shouldn’t we go help? Or at least make sure they don’t fight?” asked Grace.
“Best leave them to it. That’s one domestic I don’t want to be part of.” replied Jack.
“Yeah, but, I don’t want to miss it…” said Emily, then she started chewing her bottom lip. “Bye!” she shouted and ran away.
“Shit, wait!” said Jack as he sprinted after her and to the top of the stairs. The two of them crouched down and looked up the hall.
“Owen, you need to take control of that dog!” said Lucy.
“Is this about the shit? Because that was quite funny.” grinned Owen who was still cleaning the floor.
“He’s eaten all our food!” Lucy shrieked.
Owen dropped his cleaning supplies and looked up at Lucy, “What?”
“Our food, Owen! He’s eaten nearly all of it. The kitchen’s a disaster!”
“Bastard!”
“If you had actually done what you’re supposed to do and watched him this wouldn’t have happened!” Lucy said and clutched her hair at her scalp.
Owen squinted as he stood upright, “Excuse me? The only chance he would have had to do that wi
thout us noticing would’ve been when you started screaming like an idiot!”
Lucy dropped her arms, “Excuse you? I could be home right now if it wasn’t for you!”
Owen laughed, “Yes. Of Course. This is all my fault. I planned the whole end of the world just so I could get trapped in my house with you. You have foiled my plan! Curses!”
“I didn’t ask to be here.”
“I didn’t exactly force you to be here either!”
“You know what?” said Lucy as she glared, “You became such a self-righteous dick when you got famous.”
“And there it is.” said Owen.
“There what is?”
“You!” Owen snarled, “You’re the only person who couldn’t just be happy for me! You just had to make everything about you, like fucking always!”
“You think I’m the bad guy here? You were the one who ditched me the second you started filming so you could sleep your way through the entire cast!”
“Christ. We broke up because you turned into a crazy person! You couldn’t give me three fucking minutes peace! You went nuts if I hadn’t checked-in every hour on the fucking hour. What did you think I was going to do?”
“Did you ever think that maybe I actually missed you? That maybe, after not seeing you for weeks on end, I might have been a little fucking lonely?”
Lucy stared hard at Owen and he stared back. The silence grew thick between them.
“So this just got really uncomfortable.” Jack whispered.
Emily nodded, “I know but I can’t stop watching! It’s like a fucking car crash, I love it.”
“Should we leave?”
“Are you kidding? This is fucking gold! I’m never leaving.”
