‘No.’
‘Did he say something to upset you?’
‘No.’
The car swerves to the left and Kael hits the brakes, skidding to a halt in the emergency lane. He twists in his seat, grabs my hands away from my face and glowers at me.
‘For God’s sake, what did he do to upset you so much?’
‘Nothing.’
‘If he hurt you, so help me, I’ll -’
‘He didn’t hurt me.’
‘Then what -’
‘He kissed me, okay?’ I blurt out. I close my eyes and feel the blood rush to my cheeks.
Kael is silent for a moment but I dare not look at him. After a while he speaks and his voice sounds strangely tense.
‘He kissed you?’
‘Yes,’ I whisper, risking a glance beneath my long lashes in his direction. His jaw is clenched tight and his eyes are almost black.
‘He kissed you,’ he repeats and this time, I just nod. ‘You got upset because your fiancé kissed you?’ he says. There is a strained, forced kind of humor in his tone. I can’t figure out if he’s angry or laughing at me.
‘Without my consent!’ I say indignantly.
‘Well, you did consent to marry him.’
‘I didn’t consent to anything!’
‘So you expected him to ask permission?’
‘No – yes – ugh! He just shouldn’t have kissed me when I didn’t want him to!’
‘Like I did?’ Kael asks, his voice deeper now, more serious.
‘No…’ my cheeks are flaming, ‘that was different,’ I look down at my lap.
‘Yes, it was,’ he says quietly. I raise my eyes to his and he stares at me with such intensity that I turn away again. ‘The difference is: I’m not your fiancé. I had no right to kiss you.’
I sit silently for a moment, my hands clasped in my lap, unsure of how to respond.
‘It’s not about that,’ I whisper.
‘Then what’s it about?’ he demands, sounding angry now.
‘I didn’t want him to kiss me.’
‘But you wanted me to kiss you?’
I lift my eyes and stare at him, paralyzed and unable to speak.
I remember the heat of his lips against mine, the strength of his arms, curling around my body. Yes, I’d wanted him to kiss me then, just as I want him to reach across the centre console right now and drag me into his lap.
I shake my head slightly at the thought and Kael’s jaw clenches as he reads his own interpretation into the movement. He takes a deep breath and pulls the car back onto the road, while I continue to sit there, staring at him, lost in my own revelations. Somewhere in the weeks that have passed since I arrived in Aylburton, in between the dates with Tristan and day-to-day life lived in Kael’s shadow, I’ve fallen in love with the wrong guy.
‘Hey babe, where’ve you been all day?’ Michelle nudges me in the Bistro at lunch.
‘What do you mean? I’ve been with you all the time,’ I reply, chasing a piece of crisp lettuce across my plate.
‘Sure, in body but your mind’s on vacation somewhere.’
I give her an apologetic smile.
‘Sorry, I’ve got a few things on my mind.’
‘I’m sure,’ she says, taking a large bite from her chicken-mayo sandwich. ‘Heard you spent the day at Tristan’s estate yesterday.’
I glance up sharply.
‘Where’d you hear that?’
‘News travels fast in Aylburton remember?’ She swallows her mouthful and smiles. ‘How’d it go?’
I grimace and spear a wedge of tomato with my fork.
‘Not very well.’ I drop my fork and push my plate away.
She shoots me a knowing look.
‘You don’t like Mrs. Westwood?’
‘She wasn’t there.’
Michelle arches her brows.
‘Don’t look at me like that,’ I say, ‘Nothing happened…well, sort of…’
Michelle lifts her eyebrows even further and I feel my cheeks flame.
‘I asked Kael to come get me early,’ I admit.
Michelle just watches me, chewing slowly. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.
‘He kissed me.’
‘Kael kissed you?’ she asks, her voice a surprised squeak.
‘No, I mean yes, but - Tristan kissed me.’
She frowns at me, swallows loudly and puts the rest of her sandwich down on the plate.
‘Let me get this straight. Kael kissed you and Tristan kissed you?’
I nod, miserably.
‘And…you liked the one more than the other?’
I nod again.
‘And let me guess – it wasn’t your fiancé’s kiss that had your heart pounding?’
I drop my head into my hands and shake my head.
‘That could present a problem.’ Michelle agrees. She leans across the table toward me and there is amusement in her voice. ‘So, just how much heart pounding was there?’
I lift my head and glare at her.
‘It’s not funny Mish!’
She suppresses a smile, tilts her head and widens her eyes.
‘Holey Smokes! You’re in love with him!’ she accuses. I groan and sink deeper into my seat.
‘Now that is definitely a big problem!’ she exclaims. ‘That’s one way to piss off the Circle…’
I shoot her a meaningful look.
‘Well I hope they never find out.’
‘They won’t hear it from me, if that’s what you’re asking,’ she says, ‘but do you mean to say you’re not going to do anything about it?’
‘What am I supposed to do? It’s not like I’ve been given a choice.’
Michelle leans back in her chair, considering me.
‘How does Kael feel about you?’
‘I don’t really know,’ I admit. ‘I think he feels something – I mean he kissed me, right? But he hasn’t exactly confessed his undying love.’
Michelle snorts.
‘You haven’t dated much, have you?’
‘No,’ I confess, ‘but what has that got to do with it?’
She leans forward in her chair, folding her arms on the edge of the table, the half-eaten sandwich lying forgotten before her.
‘Did he kiss you, or did you kiss him?’
‘Well, I kissed him first and then…he kissed me back.’
My fingers move of their own volition to my mouth, where the pressure of Kael’s lips is imprinted on mine.
‘I’ve seen the way he watches you,’ Michelle says.
‘But that could just be the seastnan link,’
‘I don’t see Jake watching your grandmother like that,’ Michelle argues. She shakes her head. ‘I don’t know how the hell it happened but I think he feels something for you too – something more than the seastnan link.’
I feel a flicker of hope spark somewhere in the vicinity of my chest, but it is quickly extinguished as reality sinks in.
‘It wouldn’t make any difference, Michelle. It’s probably better if he doesn’t have any feelings for me.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s not like we could ever be together,’ I sigh and drop my head back into my hands.
Michelle glares at me.
‘So you’re just going to give up?’
‘What choice do I have?’
‘It’s your life! You get to make all the choices!’
‘Not in my family.’
‘That’s a load of rubbish!’
I stare at her in surprise.
‘What do you expect me to do? Defy the Circle?’
‘It’s not as though you weren’t planning on doing that anyway,’ Michelle responds. ‘You can’t honestly tell me you were going to go ahead with their plans and marry Tristan? I may not know you for long, but you have a stubborn, independent streak, babes. I know you’d never be able to just lie down and let the Circle rule your life.’
I sigh and look down at my untouched salad.
‘There’s more at stake here than just what I want, Michelle,’ I argue.
‘Yes, I know. There’s power and immortality and sustainability and all that sh-’
‘Thanks for reminding me!’
‘I’m not done,’ she adds. ‘What I want to know is, what is the point of having unlimited power and living forever, if you can’t share it with someone you love?’
I stare at her.
‘Why are you even encouraging me here? Aren’t you worried about the Maor and what this will do to our people?’
Michelle gives a short laugh. ‘We’ve survived this far, I’m sure we’ll manage. I have my own opinions about immortality anyway. Besides, it’s not my job to think about the greater good, as they call it. That’s what the Tanistry and the Circle is here for.’
‘Well I don’t have that luxury, Mish. These will someday be my people.’ I exhale heavily and slump forward onto the table, head on my arms. ‘Doesn’t matter anyway, Kael would never even think about going against the Circle.’
Michelle nods in agreement.
‘Kael is very serious when it comes to his duty,’ she agrees, ‘but love can make you do crazy things.’
I lift my head and give her an exasperated look.
‘There you go again – assuming he’s in love with me. I think you’re imagining things.’
Michelle shakes her head and lays one hand on my forearm.
‘No, I think you’re the one who’s in denial here, Shay. You have a decision to make. Are you going to do what everyone else has decided you should do, or are you going to fight for what you want?’
Chapter 47
Panic
Tastes like: Rubbery, Haloumi cheese.
Smells like: Sweat and blood.
Sounds like: A drum-beat.
Feels like: A fist, clenched around your heart.
Looks like: A rat, cornered by a cat.
The ride home from school with Kael is like those first days in Aylburton. There’s a mountain of stuff between us that we need to talk about, but neither of us does, and the tension bottles up in the centre console.
I keep playing the conversation with Michelle over in my head. A couple of weeks ago, this decision would have been easy. Follow the expected path versus assert my own freedom of choice? No contest. I’ve spent so many years bending to the will of others that I’m ready to push back.
But things are not so clear cut anymore.
A few weeks ago, it was all about me; now there’s a whole host of people to think about, people who are depending on me in a life or death sort of way. It’s no longer what they want against what I want. Right now, I’m not even sure what I want…
‘Looks like your boyfriend’s waiting for you.’ Kael says in a tight voice as we pull into Nan’s driveway.
I frown and turn my attention to the silver Beamer, parked in the gravel drive. Tristan steps out, looking unusually disheveled with his tie pulled down loosely and his long-sleeved shirt unbuttoned to mid-way down his chest. The last thing I want right now is to have this conversation, but I know it’s inevitable.
‘Do you want me to stay?’ Kael asks as I hesitate with my hand on the door handle.
I sigh and shake my head.
‘No, I’ll be fine, but thanks…’
‘I’ll be next door,’ he says. I nod, open the door and slide out of the truck.
Kael tips his head at Tristan and walks through the hedge to his house.
I sigh and turn up the drive, letting Tristan fall into a quick step beside me, as I pass the beamer. I don’t look at him until we’re on the porch and he puts one hand on my shoulder.
‘Are you angry with me?’ he asks.
I turn to face him, note the dark circles beneath his eyes and feel a rush of guilt.
‘No, Tristan, it’s not that,’ I say, ‘I just wish you hadn’t kissed me.’
‘Ouch, was it that bad?’
‘No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just - I thought we had agreed to take it slow?’
He sighs and drops his hand from my shoulder to grab my hand. The familiar energy hums between our tangled fingers
‘I know,’ he says, ‘but it’s not easy for me, Shaylee. You just don’t understand the attraction – your aura, it’s driving me crazy just standing here with you.’
I blush and take a small step backwards but he keeps hold of my hand in his.
‘It’s supposed to work both ways,’ he adds. ‘Don’t you feel attracted to me?’ There is a slight hint of desperation in his voice.
‘It’s not that I don’t, Tristan. It’s just I need -’
‘- time, yes I know…’ He looks away from me, somewhere in the direction of Kael’s house.
I sigh, take both of his hands in mine and wait for him to look at me.
‘I’m only seventeen, Tristan,’ I say, ‘I’m not ready for marriage, let alone to someone I’ve barely known a few weeks. My whole life has been upended in the last few weeks and I’m still trying to make sense of it all.’
He searches my face and I hold his gaze.
‘Please just be patient?’ I beg.
‘I don’t think you understand how difficult this is for me.’
Very gently, he slides his hand up to cup the side of my face and neck and I realize with a start, that he is shaking. ‘I’ve been waiting my entire life for you,’ he whispers, ‘just being around you and not touching you is painful. I want you, Shaylee.’
My cheeks flush with heat again.
‘But you don’t even know me.’
‘I know enough to be certain that I want to be with you. Forever.’
I bite my lip and look down at the floor. Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with Tristan? It would have been so easy.
‘Alright, Shaylee,’ Tristan sighs, squeezing both of my hands in his, ‘I’ll try to be patient. I can promise to try my best to give you the space and time you need but I can’t guarantee I won’t kiss you again.’
I offer him a crooked smile.
‘And I can’t promise not to deck you if you do.’
He chuckles and holds his hand against his heart, like I’ve just shot an arrow through it.
‘Ouch!’ he says, and his eyes turn serious.
‘A kiss from you is worth a little pain. Oh, I almost forgot; hang-on a sec; I’ve got something for you.’
He hurries to his car and returns with a thin white box.
‘I heard you were doing Sophiatown for the spring dance and thought this would be perfect for you.’
I balance the box on the porch railing and curiously lift the lid. Inside, I dig with one hand through a layer of tissue-paper and pull out the dress that is nestled beneath. I shake it out gently and cradle it against my body.
It’s a simple dress of sheer, white silk; its loose skirt reaches to just above my knees and a thin silver cord encircles the waist.
‘It’s perfect,’ I say, ‘Thank you.’
Tristan smiles back at me, leans forward, hesitantly and places a chaste kiss on my cheek.
‘Take a photo for me?’ he says, a little forlornly and heads down the steps to his car.
I peer into the mirror, add one last dash of rose lip-gloss and give a final pat to the bundle of hair pinned high atop my head. The soft folds of the silk dress hug the top of my body like a glove and then flare out into a skirt made for twirling.
Unable to resist, I give a quick twist before the mirror and watch as the soft material swishes elegantly against my bare legs.
With one last, satisfied glimpse at my reflection, I head down the stairs to meet Kael.
He is in the sitting room, staring out of the window and at first, I think he hasn’t heard the gentle click of my heels against the floor but when I reach the doorway, he turns toward me.
The expression on his face is intensely satisfying. He stands, frozen for a moment, allowing me to take in his own handsome form. His black jacket clings to his broad shoulders and the hat perched at a lofty angle on
his head gives him a mischievous, debonair appearance.
‘You look…amazing,’ Kael says at last.
‘Thanks,’ I say, ‘Tristan bought me the dress.’
The minute the words are out of my mouth, I want to kick myself. Kael glances out of the window and turns back to me with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
‘Ready to go?’
I slip my arm through his and allow him to escort me to the truck, where he tucks the silky folds of my skirt around my legs, grazing my knee in the process. He snatches his hand away at the contact but by the time we arrive at the dance, I’ve got a goofy smile on my face because of the way Kael has been stealing glances at me.
When we walk into the venue, Michelle is running barefoot around the hall in a tight-fitting, straight black dress, firing off instructions to other committee members.
‘Less than twenty minutes, peeps!’ she shouts. ‘Where are the flower arrangements and can someone get the photographer set up in front please?’
‘I’ll do that,’ I volunteer.
‘Thanks, babes.’ Michelle barely glances at me before she lifts her skirt, swears at it and waddles into the kitchen.
Kael follows me back to the entrance, where I introduce myself to the Italian photographer. I direct him to set up just inside the doors, where a canvas back-drop, depicting a typical, black and white Sophiatown street, has been set up for the photographs.
When the photographer is all set, we head back inside the hall as the jazz band begins to warm up. Kael follows me as I walk around the hall’s perimeter, looking at the photos of Sophiatown shebeens, parties and streets. I feel more home-sick than ever. I slide my hand into Kael’s without looking at him. For some reason, being with him, feeling the warm energy surge between us eases my longing for home. Perhaps it’s because it fills me with a whole other kind of longing…
As the students begin to arrive, I turn my attention to them, thrilled by how many have gone to great lengths to dress according to the theme. The hall fills quickly with chatter, swirling skirts, gloves, suits and hats and the vibey strains of the saxophone. I feel like I’ve stepped back in time as couples begin to crowd the dance-floor, spinning the girls skirts high and tapping their shoes against the dance floor. I wish Kael would ask me to dance. I bite my lower lip and chastise myself. This isn’t the dark ages; there’s nothing stopping me from asking him.
Five: A Maor Novel (Maor series) Page 25
