As I stood outside of the baggage claim, a feeling of deja vu came over me. Not even a week earlier I had been in this exact spot waiting on Lisa to come through those doors so I could wrap my arms around her and show her how much I missed her while she was gone. Unfortunately, while I had been eager to see her, she had apparently been plotting her exit from my life all while she kissed me like I was a cool glass of water in the desert. I still felt blindsided.
The moment my baby brother’s form appeared in my line of sight, a huge grin spread across my face and I fought to laugh. This nigga had on a coat! It was the end of February and he was bundled up like he was expecting a blizzard in Chi-town. That down-south weather had made him soft. I pushed off the column I was leaning against and spread my arms wide.
“Baby boy!” Seeing him instantly lifted my spirits. Due to his busy schedule, Hawk didn’t make it home as often as he would if he wasn’t a star for a championship NBA team. I didn’t trip about it, I was proud of my baby brother and all of his accomplishments. He returned my grin and we slapped hands as I pulled him toward me and thumped him on the back.
“What’s good, old man?” He—wisely—jumped out of my reach as soon as he said that, but I still faked like I was going to swing on him, bucking at him like he was still the shorter, scrawny little punk kid I used to tease just because he was three years my junior. He now stood an inch or so taller than me, and thanks to a consistent diet and work regime, had more muscle mass than I’d had in at least ten years. Despite that, I couldn’t let him get away with that barb.
“Oh, I’m old now, huh?”
He was yukking it up. “Gotta be if I’m a baby, and you’re the oldest.”
I nodded. “Whatever, nigga.”
Behind Hawk stood my favorite cousin, line brother, and Hawk’s one-man entourage. Boobie was also a sight for sore eyes. Hawk and Jereth might have been my only blood siblings, but Boobie was my motherfucking brother! We hugged, slapping each other on the back, then pulled away to execute the not-so-secret handshake that we had invented when we were six years old. This handshake had seen some things and managed to survive throughout our teens, college, pledging, and the current distance between us. We ended it by snapping our fingers and bumping chests. Damn. Boobie had been working out too. He’d always been bigger than the rest of us boys—our parents called it husky when we were little kids—but, while he was still broad, a lot of the softness in Boobie’s middle had turned to rock when I wasn’t paying attention. I surreptitiously rubbed my abdomen.
“You didn’t show me that much love, J, and I’m your brother.”
I chuckled. It never failed to amuse me that my baby brother, the celebrity whose face was recognized by millions, could be jealous of a handshake. I glanced back and smirked when I saw the fake glare on his face.
“You get enough love from everybody else with your attention-seeking ass.”
He had no choice but to laugh at that, and Boobie and I joined in as we traveled through the airport and out into the parking lot where my truck was parked. Boobie nabbed shotgun and Hawk stretched out in the backseat. I could see the exhaustion all over his face and knew he would be falling asleep on the drive down to our parents’ house where he was staying. As I predicted, he was out before I’d even got onto 530. I glanced to my right at my cousin. Boobie was engrossed in the screen of his cell phone.
“Say, bruh.” I kept my voice low as I got my cousin’s attention.
He looked over at me. “What’s up?”
With a tilt of my head to the back seat, I said, “How’s he holding up down there?”
Boobie dropped his phone into his lap and let off a heavy sigh. “On the court, he’s great. Everything is chill and he just does his thing, you know?” I nodded. Hawk was always at home when he was on a basketball court. “But when he’s off the court, that’s when I can tell that things aren’t as okay as he wants them to seem. He hardly leaves the house, and now he won’t even go grocery shopping anymore. Either Trina gotta go with his list or he orders them to be delivered. Shit, he don’t even like being recognized by fans anymore.”
“Damn.” It was a running suspicion in the media that Hawk was a hermit. Years of him declining to make public appearances that weren’t related to the team and lack of information about a woman in his life had fueled the rumors. Usually, it was something we joked about but now it sounded like he was internalizing it.
“That doesn’t sound too good at all. What is his plan?”
Boobie glanced at the back of the cab then leveled me with a look. “He’s thinking about retiring from the league.”
My jaw dropped. “Are you serious?”
“As a car wreck, my dude. If he goes again, next year will be it.” He gave me a knowing look. “But we never heard this shit, ya feel me?” He held his hand out, fingers together, palm facing the back of the cab. Sliding my left hand to the top of the steering wheel, I slid my right palm against his, curving up into an arch, then reversed the motion until the tips of our fingers were touching where we linked fingers for a second, then pulled away and snapped.
“You already know.”
“Bet.”
We spent the rest of the trip in silence. When I pulled up to my uncle Charles and aunt Sabrina’s house, a couple of streets over from where my parents lived, Boobie gave me a reverse nod and climbed out of the truck. Two minutes later, I pulled into the driveway of my parents’ house and cut the engine. The front door was open and I could see the well-lit living room through the glass screen door. I stepped down from the cab, followed by a sleepy Hawk, and turned just in time to see Ja’mya come running out of the house aimed right for her uncle. She jumped at him, and he lifted her into his arms. All I could do was laugh as I made my way to the front door to open it while I watched him awkwardly make his way to the front door with my long-legged preteen wrapped around him.
I pointed my keys at my truck and pressed the fob until it honked and the headlights flashed. When I turned back to the living room, I caught the tail end of my father calling Hawk his favorite son. I frowned and stepped over Ja’mya who was on the floor giggling.
“Awe, c’mon, Pops. Not that shit again.” I folded my arms across my chest as Hawk slapped a hand on my shoulder.
“Stop whining and let the truth be told, old man.” I glared at him and he jumped away before I could even decide if I wanted to swing on him. I found myself considering that often when Hawk was involved. Pops came over and roped his arm around my neck and pressed a placating kiss to my temple.
He lowered his chin and looked at me as if he was peering over the rim of a pair of glasses. “You know I love you, son.”
Both annoyed and amused, I sighed. My father had a few classic lines that he’d used on the three of us our entire childhood. I knew without a doubt that he was about to unleash one of my least favorite lines on me right then. In an attempt to soften the sting, I said the words myself.
“Yeah, I know. You just love him more.”
Pops smiled wide. “That’s it!”
My traitorous daughter and her punk-ass uncle laughed, and I couldn’t help but chuckle myself. I’d brought that line on my own self. The only reason Pops even started declaring that he loved Hawk more than me was because he’d caught me trying to convince Hawk that he was adopted when he was nine years old. Instead of spanking me, he reasoned that if Hawk was adopted, then he must have loved him more than me because he and my mama made the decision to bring Hawk into our family, whereas my existence wasn’t by choice but mere happenstance. Those words had confused the hell out of my twelve-year-old self. Nowadays I appreciated the logical discipline that my father had used. He wasn’t college educated but he was one of the smartest men I knew, and I respected the hell out of him.
Collectively, everyone began to sit down and I dropped into the reclining chair while the rest of my family settled on the leather sectional sofa. I stifled a yawn as Pops started to question Hawk about the length of his stay as if he
hadn’t told us ahead of time that he only had one day in between his own game and the All-Star festivities. As if I’d summoned the topic, my father directed a question in my direction.
“We’ll be there, right J?”
I nodded. “Of course, Pops.”
With a grin, Hawk asked Ja’mya if she was going with me, Ma, and Pops to Houston to watch him play in the All-Star game on Sunday. Hawk had been selected to play every year since he was a rookie, which was before Ja’mya was born. This would be the first year we would let her attend with us, and when she said as much, Hawk gave her the enthusiasm she was looking for, just before yawning hard enough to cause the bones in his jaw to crack. That was our cue. I stood up and pulled Ja’mya’s jacket and hat off the arm of the couch and handed them to her.
“Alright, let’s head home, babygirl. Your uncle’s tired and needs to get some rest.”
She started to pout but got up and took her outwear from me. At the pace that she was moving, any slower, and she’d be moving backwards. I folded my arms across my chest, ready to light into her, but she was saved by Hawk grabbing her hand.
“It’s all good, J-Baby. I’ll see you later when ya’ll come over to kick it.”
“Yeah, but everybody will be taking your attention, and I won’t get to tell you about my basketball game yesterday.”
Her voice sounded so pitiful. I glanced at my father, but he held his hands up in surrender and chuckled silently. He was supposed to give me advice and instead, he was laughing at me. Ridiculous! Hawk glanced at me and I shrugged. There was a kernel of truth in Ja’mya’s dramatics. Whenever Hawk came home, the entire family swarmed him until Ma went off and got everyone straight. When Hawk raised his eyebrows at me, I realized that he was trying to communicate with me silently. I nodded and directed my next words to my daughter.
“We’ll come by a little early so you can talk to him.”
“Yes!” Her squeal of delight made me laugh. She hugged her uncle before wrapping her arms around me and squeezing tightly. “Thank you, Daddy!” I watched as she bounded across the room to hug my Pops’ neck. “Bye, PopPop; I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Both men smiled and waved us off and I called out that we would see them tomorrow. When we got home, I had a text message from Lisa and my good spirits instantly died.
Lady Lee: I’d like to talk to Ja’mya tomorrow night.
I’d been able to forget the bullshit for two hours straight but right here on my cell phone was a reminder that even if I pretended, the truth was waiting on me. I glanced over at my daughter with a heavy heart. Ja’mya had fallen asleep on the brief ride home, so I carried her upstairs to her bedroom and put her in bed. I didn’t give another thought to my phone until I was undressed and settled under the cool duvet.
Me: Tomorrow isn’t good. Hawk is in town and we’ll be over there with him.
If things were normal, Lisa would be going with us. Her presence was so natural that I’d started to type out that she should meet us over there. I caught myself before hitting send and deleted the wayward thoughts. I stared at my phone for a full minute before shutting it off completely and putting it on my nightstand. Never before did I have trouble thinking of what to say to Lisa. From the moment I met her, all I’d wanted to do was converse with her and watch her fix her luscious mouth to spout off about any and everything which, at the time, was much about feminism and misogyny, thanks to her women’s studies courses.
Now, I couldn’t even communicate with her nonverbally and I was like a fish out of water. This element was unknown and I was at a loss for how to navigate it. I was torn between rage for being blindsided and sorrow for the loss of something I never knew was in jeopardy, and the tug of war was exhausting. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were. I even regretted constantly asking for marriage instead of being satisfied with what I had. If Lisa would just come home to me, I would do whatever she wanted. Whatever she needed. If she would just tell me where I fucked up, I’d fix it instantly and make it so she wondered why she’d ever left me to begin with.
Although I fell asleep, I didn’t get a lick of rest. I’d tossed and turned until I was tangled up in the sheets and finally woke up just to watch the alarm clock on my radio count down the minutes until it was time for me to go wake Ja’mya. I expected her to be groggy and give me a hard time since we’d been out late the night before, but to my surprise, she was already wide awake when I lightly knocked on her bedroom door before opening it and peeking my head in. She sat fully dressed in the chair at her vanity, staring idly at her open closet door.
My brows furrowed in concern, I stepped into the room. “Are you alright, babygirl?”
She blinked out of her daze and instead of fussing about me polluting the vibe of her bedroom with my parental energy, she gave me a wan smile that only served to elevate my concern.
“I’m okay, Daddy.”
I crossed the room and knelt by her chair, cupping her face in my hands and tilting her head around while I examined for myself if she truly was just “okay”. She giggled lightly, sleep still heavy on her.
“Daddy!”
“What?” Satisfied with the lack of physical issues, I released her but stayed by her side.
Her eyes fell to the floor then rose to meet mine. “Is mommy really helping Auntie T with a project and that’s why she hasn’t been home?”
I felt the air whoosh out of my lungs and my heart fall into the pit of my stomach. This is the shit I had been dreading. Lisa had put me in a poor position and I was furious. For the sake of my baby girl, I had to school my features so she wouldn’t pick up on my rage.
“Is that what she told you?”
Ja’mya nodded and I wanted to shake some sense into Lisa. Our daughter was too smart to accept some bullshit like that. It wasn’t even a logical excuse. I sighed.
“I’m not sure—”
“Did you guys break up?” She interrupted my struggling with a question of her own. My eyes widened.
“Why do you ask that?” I was unprepared to answer that. It didn’t feel right to say yes even if that’s what Lisa had intended. Nah, we hadn’t broken up, we were just on a break.
The look Ja’mya gave me was a searing glare. I know she was displeased that I answered her question with a question but that was all I had for her at the moment.
“Because Daddy. You’ve been sad all week.”
I scrubbed a hand down my face. Either Ja’mya was extremely observant, or I was shit at masking my emotions. Hell, more than likely, it was both. In fact, she could probably tell how pissed I was right now. Might as well give her what truth I could spare. “Babygirl…Daddy is just going through some things right now—”
“Well, why isn’t she here then?” Her back was curved backward as she hunched over with her fingers entwined in her lap.
I had to close my eyes and gather my strength to answer her. There was no way in hell I was about to lie to my child, but I had to give her something.
“Only Mommy can tell you why she isn’t here, babygirl. If she told you that she is helping your Auntie T, then you have to accept that she told you that for a reason.”
A sob burst from her lips and she buried her face in her hands. “Oh my god! You are breaking up!”
I wrapped my arms around her and rocked her gently in an attempt to calm her down. “Hey, hey. I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t say no either. You just circumvented the truth, which inadvertently gave me the real answer.”
Gotdamn, this girl was too smart for my own good. How was I supposed to protect her from the ugliness when she sniffed it out quicker than Scooby-Doo and the gang?
“Mya.”
My stern tone got her attention. Spreading her fingers, she peeked at me through the gap with one eye.
“If you don’t calm down, you’re going to make yourself sick. Are you listening to me?” I waited for her to nod before I continued. “Now, whatever you think is going on with me and Mommy is no
t important. The only thing you need to be focused on is acing your math and spelling tests today so you can make sure you still get to go with me and your grandparents to Houston this weekend. After that, nothing else matters. Do you understand me?”
She gave me no indication that she heard me until I leaned away from her then she nodded twice.
“Good.” I hugged her tightly then stood and kissed the top of her head. “Finish getting ready. I’m going to go make you some breakfast.”
I followed her out of the room and waited for her to step into her bathroom and close the door behind her before turning left in the hallway and going downstairs to do as I’d said. By the time I was placing a plate of grits, scrambled cheese-eggs, and toast on the island, Ja’mya breezed into the kitchen and hopped up on a barstool.
“Thanks, Daddy,” she managed to say before diving into her food.
I slid onto the stool next to her and dug into my own plate, relishing in the fact that I’d avoided a meltdown this morning. In no way did I think the crisis was permanently averted, but I was confident that I’d bought at least this weekend of reprieve. That was something, at least.
We finished eating and I washed the few dishes we’d used before we climbed into my truck. I dropped Ja’mya off at school with a reminder to focus on her schoolwork, then headed to the office for a conference call between me, Donny, and my mama who was in Dallas. After the conference call, I had a meeting with a couple who I’d been working with to purchase their first home. They had decided on one of the several that I’d taken them to over the past couple of weeks and wanted to put in an offer. I spent the next few hours going back and forth with negotiations with the selling agent before the offer was accepted and I was able to hand my clients their keys.
As they cried and hugged each other—and me—I took pictures for them then we all drove to see the house. As I watched their young children run through the house, claiming which room would be theirs, I couldn’t help but smile on. It was moments like these that brought me joy in my career. Helping a family become homeowners and seeing the unfiltered awe on their children’s faces; that was unmatched. They tried to invite me to dinner to celebrate, and as a thank you but I knew Ja’mya would be pissed if she didn’t get her uninterrupted time with her uncle, so I declined and went to pick up my baby girl from school before heading to parents house.
To Build a Vow Page 9
