“Lisa, I appreciate that you think that, but let’s just agree that I would know whether or not I am, and leave it at that, okay? I have an actual soul mate. An honest-to-God, real, live woman out there who is meant for me. If I continue with how I’ve been living, I’ll miss out on experiencing the joy that she brings, and I can’t let that happen. After everything I’ve been through, I deserve to have her. I deserve to be loved.”
“Of course, you do! I agree wholeheartedly; I’m just saying, all good things happen in their due time.”
A beat of silence passed before Trisha stood, dropping her hands to her hips and fixing me with a hard look. “You know, Lisa, you call yourself a progressive—a liberal—but sometimes I wonder if you aren’t a secret homophobe.”
Shocked, I scrambled to my feet. “I can’t believe you would say that! I’ve supported you from the moment you told me you were gay!”
“Right. Yet every single time I bring up the topic of me finding love, you curb me with talk of ‘Let things happen the way they should’ and ‘Everything happens for a reason’. I can’t help but feel like the idea of me being in an actual romantic relationship with another woman just might make you uncomfortable.”
My mouth hung open as I gaped at her. “That’s—that’s not true!”
She raised her eyebrows. “Which part isn’t true? The words I clearly remember leaving your mouth, or the feelings they invoked?”
She had me. I, too, remember saying those words but my intent was not as she was painting it and it would be ridiculous for me to try and dispute her feelings since that was impossible.
“I want you to find love, Tee, I just don’t want you to force it and end up heartbroken.”
A crass snort sounded and her top lip curled. “I’d say that’s a pretty irrational concern. I don’t have women knocking down my door, trying to get a piece of this ass. As a matter of fact, if I want any type of intimacy, I have to drive all the way to Little Rock, just so that I won’t run into a close-minded church mother while trying to mack. So tell me, Lisa, what exactly am I forcing?”
As I stood there silently, the both of us knew there was nothing for me to say. The blinds had been lifted on our friendship and things on my end had begun to look a little ugly in the light. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t homophobic, but in my desire to keep my friend from being hurt, that was exactly how I had come across.
Oh.
But…wasn’t my automatic assumption that she would end up hurt, a problem in itself? I mean, it wasn’t like I thought that she would have a hard enough time trying to find someone in a place that had more churches than restaurants, so she shouldn’t try at all…did I?
Someone spoke into a bullhorn, announcing a five-minute countdown to the start of the marathon. All participating runners were instructed to make their way to the starting line. Trisha sighed.
“Look. I apologize if what I said is hard for you to accept.”
I tilted my head. Trisha had always had a way with words and today was no excuse. “But you don’t apologize for saying it?”
She rolled her shoulders back and shook her head. “Not at all, it needed to be said. If you are too offended to stay because of it, then, I’ll accept that.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “I’m here because I said that I would support you. I meant that and whether you believe it or not, it’s true. I’m staying here and cheering you until the end.”
“I appreciate that.” She hugged me quickly and whispered, “Thank you.” Then she walked away, following behind the other runners.
The next four hours saw me cheer outwardly for Trisha as I drove around the city and posted up at the different mile markers, while inwardly reexamining many conversations we’d had over the years. Apparently, one of my favorite phrases to recite at Trisha rang true for me as well. Everything truly did happen for a reason. If we hadn’t received those readings, who knows if she and I would have had this conversation, but now that we had, I realized that I had things I needed to work on in other parts of my life. My unintentional missteps with Trisha were at the forefront of my mind, but now I considered whether or not, and where, I had gone wrong with Candice, and Deena as well. Was I actually a crappy friend?
Although Deena and I hadn’t been particularly close growing up, when she relocated up here from the southwest Houston suburb that we were from—in an attempt to lock down Dion’s father—I had welcomed her with open arms. Or so I thought. And because Candice never said anything about her desire for a partner, I made assumptions about her orientation, instead of just asking questions the way a person who claimed to be a friend would do.
While I had been wrapped up in my love cocoon, cushioned by Jeremiah and Ja’mya, had I unknowingly been ignoring the plights of my tribe? Or worse, had I unconsciously looked down on them as they tried to master their own chrysalis?
We didn’t revisit the conversation over the next few days, choosing to leave things where they lay. It was a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it pulled my mind from the pit of despair of having to leave my family—a reprieve that I was immensely grateful for—but on the other hand, it made me question my morals and the way I thought about things.
By Friday, I was emotionally spent. Ja’mya was back in school on Thursday and seemed to be back to her normal self, but when I attempted to talk to her, her only response was to ask me if I was coming home. It killed me to let her down, but I had no choice but to tell her no. In response, she shut down on me and refused to acknowledge anything else I had to say. It was both infuriating and depressing. Trisha took pity on me and dragged me across town for dinner where she spent the hour and a half filling—what otherwise would have been silence—with information about some group she’d joined online. It was created for—and by—like-minded women who just wanted a safe space to talk and connect. Trisha had apparently made a few connections, even being invited by a woman named Mel to an upcoming festival in a city a couple of hours north of Houston.
I listened intently and commented appropriately, but even though I tried my hardest to be engaged, Trisha could tell that my heart wasn’t in it. I felt awful about it, and it didn’t help with my image as a caring, thoughtful, friend, but no matter what, Ja’mya’s blank expression was what kept running through my mind. We left the restaurant and drove to the nearest gas station. Trisha had driven her car, but I offered to pay for the gas since she had covered dinner. As I came out of the station, I came face to face with Jeremiah.
“Lisa.”
My heart leaped at the sight of him and an unbidden smile crept to my face. He was dressed casually in a white, long-sleeved, henley shirt and blue jeans. With dark brown boots on his feet and a fitted cap on his head, he looked entirely too fine to be anywhere but in the bed, underneath me. The quickening of my blood and subtle moistening at the juncture of my thighs reminded me of all of the time that had passed since he was last between them. The smile disappeared from my face. My thoughts were heading into the danger zone. To distract myself from my obvious staring, I glanced behind him and saw his truck at the pump next to Trisha’s; the nozzle was already in the tank.
“Hey, J.” I moved to walk around him and was surprised when he moved to the side to let me by instead of blocking me in and trying to talk. Did that mean he was getting over me already? My brief moment of joy at seeing him dissipated with that thought. I felt his eyes on me as I hustled past him.
“You’re looking good, Lee.”
Instead of responding, I nodded quickly and made my way to Trisha who was standing at the pump.
“You’re good to go, T.”
She lifted the nozzle and inserted it into the tank, then turned to face me.
“Did you see J?”
I nodded. “Mmhmm.”
“Did he speak to you?”
I pursed my lips. “You know he did.”
She quirked an eyebrow. “What did you say?”
“What do you mean ‘What did I say’?! What could I have said,
Trisha? Please be so kind as to give me my options here!”
Trisha’s eyes narrowed and I could see her run her tongue over her teeth, something she did when she was trying to calm herself down. I could almost hear her count down from ten as she stared me in my face. When she spoke, her voice was deceptively calm.
“Lisa, I know you’re unhappy with your current situation, but let’s make this the last time you yell at me behind this shit. I’m not at fault here, and you won’t take your frustration out on me as if I am. Okay?”
“Tris—”
“Lisa?”
I sucked in a breath and released it slowly. If only I had some way to recreate that intense, all-encompassing calm from that day in that candy shop back in Houston. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to place any blame or fault at your feet and I swear it’s not my intention to take my frustrations out on you. You don’t de—you don’t deserve…” I trailed off as her eyes shifted to something to my left, it occurred to me immediately that Jeremiah must have been standing there.
I spun to face him, a protest already forming on my lips. It died the moment I saw the look in his eyes. At the door of the station, I had avoided observing him too closely, but standing at such an intimate distance didn’t allow me that luxury. I could clearly see the dark circles around his eyes and the redness that surrounded the chestnut brown. It all screamed of his exhaustion. I wanted to fuss at him about not getting enough sleep; no matter the situation, he should be taking better care of himself. None of that could come out of my mouth, though. Those were the thoughts of a woman who cared, and I couldn’t really say that I had “turned my back” on him if I was concerned about how much sleep he got at night. All I could do was release a defeated sigh.
“What do you want, J?”
He pushed the bill of his cap up some then shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I just want a few minutes of your time, Lee. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”
I kept my expression blank while internally I pulled at the roots of my hair and screamed in indignation. Of course, it was too much to ask! Every moment I spent with him made me want to crawl into his arms and never let him go again. To make matters worse, not once had Jeremiah picked a fight with me. After the way I had left him abruptly, I would expect any man to take that hurt and anger and use it to fuel their rage, but not my J. All he did was beg me to come back, and as much as I loved him for it, it wasn’t helping me to stay away from him.
“Just say what you need to say so that I can go home.”
His jaw ticked. “To Trisha’s.”
I squinted, confused. “What?”
I watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed. “You want me to hurry up, so you can go to Trisha’s.”
I nodded slowly. “That’s what I said.”
“Nah, you said you want to go home, but that isn’t where you’re going. Your home is at 11 Poplar Grove, but Trisha lives on Pine street. So, are you coming home, or are you going to Trisha’s?”
I swallowed thickly. “I’m going to Trisha’s.” My words came out on a whisper. I hadn’t even realized what I had said, but he was right. Trisha’s rental wasn’t my home, nor did it feel like it.
Jeremiah nodded, seemingly satisfied with my answer. “Lisa, I love you.”
Oh no, we weren’t doing this tonight, not here. I started to interrupt him. “Jer—”
“Come on, man. Let me finish. You haven’t given me time to talk to you and that shit ain’t right. Just…just let me say this, and if you still want to leave me afterward, I won’t stop you. Okay?”
His declaration made me nervous but I didn’t hesitate to nod. He continued.
“I’ve loved you since I was twenty-one years old, and the only way my love for you has changed since then is those feelings have become deeper, more mature.” He stepped closer to me and pulled his hands out of his pockets, grabbing my hand with his right while leaving his left balled into a fist. “We may not be married, but I’m a firm believer in not letting all of the time we’ve put in go to waste. When people have been together as long as we have, they can’t just give up at the first sign of trouble. They have to figure out the root of the issues and work through them to get to the other side. No one said building a life together would be easy, but they did say it would be worth it.
What I’m saying, Lisa, is that we never sat down and discussed what the root of our issues is. One day, everything seemed like it was fine, and the next day, you were leaving. It happened so fast; I was so caught off guard that we didn’t get to talk. All you told me was that you met someone and accepted their proposal. I can admit that swung me for a loop, but now that I’ve had time to really think about it, I can see that the problem is that your desires changed but you didn’t feel comfortable letting me know. For that, I apologize. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t come to me with that, but I’m telling you right now, with Trisha as my witness, that that is in the past.
I don’t know who this new dude is, and I don’t want to know; he doesn’t matter. What I’ll tell you is that he could never love you half as much as I do, and there is no way I can stand by and let you give your hand and your heart to some random ass dude when I’ve wanted to make you my wife since I first laid eyes on you.”
He released my hand, took a step back, and lowered to one knee. When he opened his left hand and presented a velvet ring box to me, the emotions I’d just barely been able to hold on to, came spilling out of my eyes. Jeremiah peered up at me with an open expression and I saw all of the love I’d become some comfortable with staring me in the face. I brought my hands up to my mouth to catch and muffle my cries.
“Marry me, Lisa. Become, legally, what I’ve always felt you were in my heart. Be my wife and take my name.”
Full on sobs began to choke me, and all I could do was shake my head. How in the world was this my life? The man I loved more than life itself was on his knees proposing to me but I had to say no or he would die soon. And of course, I couldn’t tell him any of it, because if he knew why I’d left him, that I didn’t truly want to, then he never would have let me leave the house.
“Lisa?” Confusion rang loudly as my name fell from his lips. Body-wrecking sobs surely weren’t the expected response to a marriage proposal.
“No!” I cried. “I don’t want to marry you! Please, just leave me alone!” I stood there, boo-hooing into my hands while Jeremiah physically shrunk in front of me. His shoulders dropped, his face fell, and the light in his eyes died. I’m sure he was only moments from joining me in tears, and if I had to watch him cry at my rejection, I might perish where I stood.
“Please, J. Just—just go.”
I felt Trisha’s arms wrap around my shoulders. She pulled me backward and pushed me into the open door on the passenger side of the car. When she closed the door, I watched as her lips formed the words “I’m sorry” as she turned away from me to face Jeremiah. In seconds, she was behind the wheel and speeding away from the gas station where I could see through my side mirror that Jeremiah was still on his knees next to his truck before my eyes blurred with a fresh round of tears.
To think, I had believed that the day I walked out on Jeremiah was the worst day of my life. I had no idea a whole new level of hell would lie in wait for me.
Chapter Seven
Jeremiah
Maybe it was arrogance, but I never expected Lisa to say no. I figured that if she could say yes to anyone, it would be me.
So, then again…maybe that was ignorance. Lisa had been telling me no, consistently, for years. That little factoid didn’t stop my heart from dropping into the bottom of my shoes, though. And my dumb ass told her that I would leave her alone if she still wanted to leave. I was that confident that the outpouring of my affection would be enough to sway her back into my arms. Now, I look like a grade A fool and I was hurting in a way I had never experienced.
Lisa was truly done with me. All of these years that I’d spent being the best man that I could be
so that I could give her everything she deserved—and more—had been reduced to a pile of shit with a smell that would permeate for a long time. That wasn’t just a metaphor. The smell was so strong that it made me physically sick; I’d been puking for a week straight.
Outside of taking Ja’mya to school and picking her up, I didn’t leave the house. I didn’t go into the office. I didn’t show houses. I didn’t take on any new clients. I didn’t answer emails. Instead, I had to reschedule two meetings with Donny concerning the upcoming open house we had been working toward, and I didn’t even take the weekly conference call with the team. I just…checked out. Even the act of shuffling to the bathroom to take a piss felt like a struggle. What was the point of doing anything anyway? It was as if my Technicolor world had been painted gray and turned into a silent movie. The shit was depressing.
And the depression felt debilitating. Mentally, I knew that I needed to be there for my baby girl, that seeing me like this wasn’t good for her, that I wasn’t being fair to her. None of that made it easier to get up. Each day that passed, I told myself that I would be better for Ja’mya, if for no other reason, and I tried, I swear I did, but there was a little voice in the back of my head—a voice that sounded suspiciously like my mama—that asked when I was going to do something for myself.
But shit.
What did that mean? Honestly, I don’t even know what that looks like. I’d been doing for other people since I was ten months old and my parents brought Jereth home from Jefferson Regional. It was second nature for my actions to be in service of someone other than myself. I’d worked so hard to make Lisa happy and apparently it was all for naught because here I was left holding the bag while she gave another man the happiness that I thought I had earned.
On the eighth day following my final bout of insanity at the gas station, my family decided they’d had enough. Even though I refused to say anything about the break-up to anyone, both of my parents knew what had happened. I couldn’t even say that I don’t know how they found out because, at this point, I was obviously going through something.
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