I nearly cried with relief as I sank down on him. This was home. Here was my heart, finally in my arms after all of this time, his fingers digging into my cheeks over the fabric of my wrap dress, his warm lips resting against mine. I waited for him to rock my hips back and forth as he usually would but it never happened. In fact, he didn’t move at all. His hardened flesh pulsed inside of me but he made no attempt to begin any sort of movement. I shifted above him to get a good look at his face but as soon as I leaned back, his chin dropped to his chest.
“J, no!” I cried. He was still trying to shut me out, even with evidence of his arousal lodged inside of me. I lifted his head with both hands and his blank stare seared me. I closed my eyes, pretending that I didn’t see it, that it wasn’t there, and dropped my head to his shoulder as I pushed up on my toes. My heels touched the floor and I moaned as I slid all the way down. I repeated the up and down over and over again until I felt my own arousal start to drip down the inside of my thigh. Still, Jeremiah said nothing, the clenching of his fingers on me the only indicator that he was even present.
“Baby, please!” I begged him to say something; anything to let me know that I wasn’t in this by myself. That what we were doing wasn’t just for my benefit. That he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. I grabbed his face and pressed a hard kiss to his soft but unresponsive lips. I was determined to pull some emotion out of him. I ran my tongue along the seam of his lips and did two firm kegel squeezes, causing him to gasp. Taking advantage of the opening, I darted my tongue into his mouth and searched for his own incessantly. When the two pieces of flesh touched, I felt the change in him instantly. His hands slid from my butt to my hips and suddenly I was lifted until my butt no longer touched his thighs. I moaned at the sensation of him dragging against my walls and dropped my head back between my shoulder blades. Swiftly, he lowered me to his lap and together we set a quick rhythm of assisted cowgirl, with me grinding down as much as possible on each down stroke.
Within minutes, I felt the build of pressure in my abdomen, signaling my orgasm. The explosion washed over me just as Jeremiah pulled me into his lap, pushing himself deep inside of me as he, too, reached his climax. We sat there with only the sound of our deep breaths filling the space until I felt him begin to soften inside of me. I reached to pull more tissue from the roll and scooted back on his thighs until he slipped free, then I wiped him off and tucked him back into his pants and boxers before grabbing more tissue to tend to myself. I moved off his lap and slipped out of my panties before walking over to the sink where I found a basket of folded hand towels in lieu of napkins. Grabbing one, I soaked it in warm water and rung it out, then wiped in between my legs until I all traces of our stickiness were gone. I rinsed the towel once more then dropped it into the basket of used towels.
As I was tucking my soiled underwear into my small clutch bag, the sound of movement behind me caused me to look up. Jeremiah was halfway out of the door before I even knew what was happening.
“J, wait.”
He stilled for a millisecond, and I thought he would turn around, but to my surprise, he continued out of the bathroom and down the hall as if he were being chased. My heart sank into my already crowded belly and the bubbles of my post-coital endorphins began to pop. Just that fast, he was gone as if what we had just shared wasn’t anything significant at all. And I didn’t even get a chance to say everything I had to say. Sighing, I exited the bathroom and pulled the door closed behind me.
I was outside and halfway across the lawn when I heard my name being called. Turning around, I saw Sabrina making her way toward me. The determination on her face made me want to roll my eyes. After what had gone down with Jeremiah, I wasn’t in the mood to be fussed at by his mama. Sabrina reached me and decided to forgo all pleasantries and small talk.
“Did you tell him?”
I shook my head, my shoulders sinking. “No. He didn’t give me a chance to.”
She propped her fists on her hips. “He’s not going to give you a chance to talk, Lisa. He doesn’t even owe you that. But you can’t use that as an excuse to keep this from him. You have to make him listen!”
It didn’t matter that she was right, I wasn’t in the mood to hear it. I narrowed my eyes. “I’ll tell him when I tell him, Sabrina.”
Sabrina stepped one foot back and cocked her head to the side. Her entire demeanor screamed that she wasn’t one to mess with. “Let me tell you something, little girl. Do not play with me. I’m giving you the opportunity to be the one who shares this, because it’s your news to give, but make no mistake; if you drag your feet, I will tell him.”
That time I did roll my eyes, and from the look on Sabrina’s face, I was lucky she didn’t slap them right out of my face. “Well, it seems like the work will get done either way. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.”
Sabrina scoffed and gave me a look of disbelief. “You and I both know that J will not be pleased if he has to hear this from anywhere but the horse’s mouth. And you know what else? From that show you put on last week, I thought you really loved my son. This mess that I’m seeing right here is showing me something completely different. I didn’t want to believe it at first, and it took me seeing the damage done to my baby with my own two eyes, but now? I have no doubt that the woman standing in front of me could break his heart so carelessly.”
She stepped forward until we were nose to nose and I could clearly see the fury in those chestnut browns that all three of her sons had inherited from her. “It may have been a while since I was pregnant, but I vividly remember the constant emotions coursing through my body, making me think I was crazy. On the strength of that, and the love I have for you as the mother of my only grandchild, I’m going to let this attitude you’re having right now roll off my back. But, please don’t take my kindness for weakness, Lisa. I will break your little ass into two unrecognizable pieces if you try to keep this baby from Jeremiah. Know that.” She spun on the heel of her bedazzled tennis shoes and was ten feet away before she spun around again.
“Oh, and make sure you drive safe, you hear!” I nodded slowly and—seemingly satisfied with my response—Sabrina continued on, back into the house.
Unsure of how to react to the verbal beat down Sabrina had just given me, I climbed into my car and sat there for a full five minutes before cranking up the engine and maneuvering out of the yard. I spent the entire drive back to Pine Bluff coming up with responses I should have had to counter Sabrina’s attack. It was far too late for any of it to matter, of course, but it made me feel better to be able to yell back, even if it was only in the privacy of my own car.
And in the privacy of my own car, I could admit that her words had gutted me. When she said that she could believe that I’d break Jeremiah’s heart, that tore me apart. I wish I could say that she was only trying to be mean, but more than likely it was the truth. I was being a completely different person. I’d never, not in all these years, snapped at Sabrina like that. Not even when I was pregnant with Ja’mya. The fact of the matter was that I’d spend two months trying to come off as a total jerk, only for it to work too well.
Sabrina didn’t hold ill feelings toward me for the way I’d dumped her son. That much was evident in the way she embraced me at the church. For her to come at me the way she did, I had to push her there. Now, not only did I have to explain to Jeremiah why I’d left, and that I was pregnant, but I also had to find a way to apologize to his mother. I was exhausted just thinking about it all.
Chapter Ten
Jeremiah
The day after the memorial, less than 24 hours later, I was shrouded in confusion about what went down in that bathroom during the repast. Obviously, the act itself wasn’t confusing; It might have been a few months, but I remember what sex is and clearly, my body remembered how to do it with Lisa. It had taken every ounce of willpower I possessed not to sit her on the countertop and show her everything she had been missing. I had to remind myself that she was missing it by choice,
that she’d left on purpose. But I was a work in progress because while I could keep myself from participating too much, I couldn’t make myself remove her from my lap and walk out of that bathroom.
Despite the way she’d treated me, Lisa still had a strong hold on me. I still loved her and I didn’t know when or if that would change. When she reached into my pants and grabbed my dick, my eyes nearly rolled into the back of my head. It had been so damn long since that last night we were together like that and while part of me was ringing an alarm, another, dominant, part was begging for that release.
It wasn’t a hard decision to make. Yeah, I got the release, but as soon as I did, all of the space that had been filled with desire and want was overrun by disgust. Once again I’d let her use me. She took her orgasm and I had nothing to show for it. That’s when the questions flooded in, questions that I didn’t want to stick around for her to answer.
Why are you here?
What does this mean?
Are you coming home?
Why did you leave?
Did you ever love me?
That last one really fucked me up. Once upon a time, I thought I knew what love looked like on Lisa. Now I wasn’t so sure what I’d been seeing all of these years, because I saw that same look clear and in high definition on her face yesterday. I felt like that classic Geto Boys cut, because if she could gaze at me like a woman in love, mere weeks after screaming at me to leave her alone and let her live her life, without me, then surely my mind was playing tricks on me.
I was grateful that it was Sunday, and Ja’mya had stayed the night with Lisa so that Lisa could take Ja’mya to her morning basketball practice. I had the house to myself which was perfect for quiet contemplation. My brain was stuck on the fact that Lisa had even shown up to the service, to begin with, because to my knowledge, she hadn’t known Donny or any of the others. Before I could fall too far down that rabbit hole, the doorbell rang. A glance at the Texas-shaped clock told me it was just after eleven.
It was too early for Ja’mya to be home from practice and even so, she wouldn’t have rung the bell. Whoever it was, was a surprise visitor. I muted the TV that had been watching me and walked over to the entrance. On the other side of the door was Lisa’s friend, Candice. If I had hair, my eyebrows would have been in it.
“Hi, Jeremiah!” Her bright, friendly smile eased some of my surprise, and made me remember my manners. Stepping aside, I gestured for her to come in and closed the door behind her.
“Hey, Candice. Uh, I’m not gon’ lie, I’m surprised to see you. I’m sure you know that Lisa isn’t here, so what brings you by?”
“Oh! Ja’mya asked me to stop by and check on you.”
I chuckled. That girl was something else. “She did, did she?”
Candice’s laugh was light and airy. Her straight, red hair swung around her face as she tilted her head back to laugh at the sarcasm in my voice. “She did. I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t in my job description to do such a thing, and she reminded me that I had a degree in psychiatry before getting my master’s in family counseling. That’s an extremely smart young lady you’re raising. You should be very proud.”
As with any time someone praised my babygirl, my chest swelled with pride. “Proud doesn’t even begin to describe it.”
Candice lifted one shoulder, and that’s when I realized that she held a covered dish in her hand.
“Oh! Let me take that from you. What is it?” She handed me the dish and shook her hands out.
“It’s a pan of crawfish etouffee.”
My mouth started to water as I carried the warm dish into the kitchen and placed it on the island countertop. “You made this for me?”
She nodded, following me through the house. “Yes, you. And Ja’mya, of course.” She set her purse on one of the barstools and washed her hands in the sink before pulling two bowls out of the cabinet and two spoons out of the drawer. I was momentarily startled by her knowledge of the layout of my kitchen, but then I remembered that Lisa had often hosted game night for her and her girlfriends at the house. Candice had definitely been in this kitchen enough times to know where everything was. I took a seat at one of the bar stools and watched her work. More than anything I was grateful for the distraction from my thoughts.
Candice uncovered the dish and I saw that it was a square, glass dish that was divided into two triangular sections. One side contained the tomato-based stew and the other white rice. The smells that hit me as soon as she uncovered the dish made my stomach grumble, causing both of us to laugh again.
“Are you hungry, Jeremiah?”
Still laughing, I shrugged. “Shit, I am now.”
Candice placed a heaping bowl of the still steaming food in front of me before moving to the refrigerator. She stared at the contents for a moment before grabbing a bottle of water, twisting the cap off, and setting it next to my bowl.
I shook my head in awe. “Damn, Candice! Did Ja’mya tell you that I’m easier to handle on a full stomach or something?”
Her tawny cheeks flushed a rosy pink and I felt a stirring in my groin. I dropped my eyes to my bowl of food and shifted in my seat. What the fuck was that? Candice carried her food over to my side of the island and sat on the stool next to me.
“Not at all. Her instructions were to come and ‘get you to talk about your feelings’ but that’s not what I’m here for. I remember very clearly, Ja’mya’s breakdown a couple of months ago, and how the only person she wanted at that moment was you.” Candice swung her gaze from her bowl up to me. As I stared back, I observed the green-speckled hazel. I’d never noticed how wide and pretty her eyes were. “I’m not here in a business capacity. I’m here as a friend.”
I smirked at that. “But you’re not my friend, you’re Lisa’s.”
She nodded, returning her attention to her bowl. “That’s true, and as her friend, I know that she’d want to make sure that you were healthy. Not just physically, but mentally as well.”
We’d have to agree to disagree on that one. The previous day’s encounter couldn’t even make me believe that she’d changed her mind about me. Especially considering how she’d made love to me two days in a row, all the while knowing she was going to leave me. I guess Candice wasn’t privy to that information.
I studied her profile. “So, does she know you’re here right now?”
Her cheeks lifted and she shook her head, but she didn’t look at me. “I’m not trying to creep on my friend’s man, Jeremiah.”
Her words caused my appetite to lessen. I pushed my bowl away from me and folded my arms on the counter while tilting my head so I could eye her suspiciously. “Now I know damn well that you know she and I aren’t together anymore.”
She spooned some of the stew in her mouth and took her time chewing before giving me an answer. “As far as I’m concerned, you’ll always be Lisa’s man.”
Well, that fucking sucked. While I genuinely had no intentions of moving myself out of Candice’s friendzone—the thought never even crossed my mind—it was upsetting to hear that I’d been forever pegged as “belonging” to someone who didn’t give a fuck about me. What kind of shit was that?
“Damn! So does that mean I have to be single forever? She doesn’t want me, but no one else can either, huh?”
I was laughing, but there was a kernel of truth hidden in there. Before Lisa, I never used to wonder if I was desirable. I was a Hawkins man, and we were known throughout Jefferson county, and not just because Hawk played basketball. Years of being denied by who I considered to be my ideal mate—my soul mate—planted seeds of insecurity, and being dropped without so much as a backward glance watered those seeds. My ego had taken a bruising and I wasn’t ashamed to say that I could use a little reassurance. Plus, I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t noticed how fine Candice was, but that was truly all it was. Shit, none of the women in Lisa’s circle were anything other than gorgeous. It was one of the things that attracted me to her; she wasn’t so insecu
re that she had to surround herself with a gang of ugly ducks.
Candice ignored me, continuing to eat, and though I wanted to say something further, I let it go and pulled my bowl back to me. I sighed, and just as I lifted my spoon into the air, she spoke.
“If a woman has only known you to be in a relationship with one woman, how can you blame her for continuing to associate you with that woman, in her mind.”
I lowered my spoon. “We’re a little old for hypotheticals, aren’t we?”
“Not at all. I use them regularly. Especially at work.”
“Oh. I thought you weren’t here in a business capacity. Was that a lie, Candice? Is that what’s we’re doing now?” I shook my head in mock disgust and knocked my shoulder against hers.
“Touche.” She giggled and I joined in with a light chuckle. “Is that something you’re truly worried about?”
I nodded. “Of course. Every adult should be confident enough in their self to speak freely. Hypothetical questions are for the uncertain.”
She shook her head. “Jeremiah, seriously?”
I laughed at the expression on her face. “Seriously.”
She twisted in her seat to face me. “Do you think that Lisa leaving you means that no one else will want you?”
My eyes fell to the counter and I rubbed a hand over my head. “Logically—”
Her hand came to my knee and she leaned forward. “I’m not asking you for logic, Jeremiah. I’m asking for what you think?”
“Well, yeah, that’s how I’m feeling right now. I know it’s probably not true, but it feels true.”
She squeezed my knee. “Well, let me be the first to tell you that, that is far from the truth. Your desirability is not tied to another person. Least of all, the woman who decided to walk away from you.”
I nodded as her words washed over me like a balm. The heat from her hand on my leg got my attention.
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