To Build a Vow

by Chencia C. Higgins

  “You sure you ain’t tryna cop a field on ya boy, Candice? I’m really vulnerable right now, are you trying to take advantage of me?” I teased her because it was fun. Seeing her cheeks pink brought a smile to my face. She swatted me on the arm and laughed. I joined in and one minute we were laughing at my stupid joke, the next, Candice’s lips were on mine and we were kissing. Despite my teasing, I was genuinely surprised by her actions, and for the first few seconds, I sat motionless. Then she started to pull away and that’s when I snapped into focus. I leaned forward and cupped the back of her head, pulling her closer to me to return her kiss full force. Just as I started to turn my body toward her to deepen the connection, she jerked back, nearly falling off of the bar stool.

  She stared at me wide-eyed as she raised her fingers to her mouth and rubbed her lips. I didn’t say a word; I simply waited for her to either explain herself or continue. Her lids dropped closed and she shook her head.

  “I can’t believe I did that.”

  My eyebrows shot up and I rubbed my chin. I couldn’t believe it either, but I wasn’t going to complain. For those fifteen seconds, I had thought about something other than Lisa and yesterday’s bullshit, and it had felt great. I chuckled.

  “Tell me again how you aren’t creeping on your friend’s man.”

  Her hands flew to her face and she groaned. “Oh my god!” She dropped them to her lap and straightened her back, giving me her full attention. “Jeremiah, I had no intentions of kissing you when I agreed to come by. I meant what I said.”

  I nodded. Candice had never given me the impression that she was harboring feelings for me, or that she was just waiting for Lisa to fuck up and leave an opening for her to slide on in. That’s why I was as surprised as I was. I would never have expected this from her.

  “I know that, Candice. I’m just fucking with you. Look, it’s all good. We can just forget this ever happened. Alright?”

  The corner of her mouth curved up and she blinked slowly. “That’s easier said than done.”

  We sat there, staring at one another, each waiting for the other to say something else, to speak first when I heard the front door open.

  “Daddy!”

  Candice started to raise from the stool, but I motioned for her to remain seated. If she didn’t do anything wrong, there was no reason for her to rush off. I went into the living room and was greeted by the sight of Ja’mya slipping out of her basketball shoes and dropping her duffel bag on the floor by the stairs. I pulled her into a hug and kissed her temple.

  “Welcome home, babygirl. How was practice?”

  She hugged me back and followed me as I returned to the kitchen.

  “It was good, Coach had me demonstrate that one crossover move that Unc showe—Ms. Candice!”

  At the sight of the woman, Ja’mya stopped mid-sentence and rushed over to her. Candice stood and enveloped Ja’mya in a hug.

  “I’m so glad you came!”

  My shoulders dropped. Not that I thought Candice had lied to me, but I was relieved to know that Ja’mya had indeed sent her over and that this really wasn’t some ploy to get with me.

  Candice giggled and shook her head. “Of course I came. I told you I would. Although, now, I’m going to head home.”

  A quirked a brow. “You don’t have to leave. We didn’t even finish eating.” I gestured to the counter and glanced down. My eyes widened when I noticed that although my bowl was still full, Candice’s was empty.

  She laughed. “You didn’t finish; I guess I kept you too distracted.”

  My eyes swung over to her in time to catch the reddening of her cheeks. She must have just realized how that sounded and thought of that kiss. I chuckled once more. Feeling heat on the side of my face, I looked over to see Ja’mya giving me a curious look. I winked at her.

  “Fix yourself a plate of etoufee, babygirl. I’m going to walk Ms. Candice out to her car.”

  Ja’mya walked around the island to peer into the covered dish. She looked up at me. “You cooked, Daddy?”

  “Nope, Ms. Candice made that for us. Show your manners.”

  Immediately she issued a small smile in Candice’s direction.

  “Thank you for preparing this, Ms. Candice. It smells mouthwatering, and I’m sure it tastes utterly scrumptious.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. She was laying it on thick, which was suspicious. Turning to Candice, I nodded toward the food.

  “What about your dish?”

  Ja’mya spoke quickly. “Oh, I’ll bring it with me to school and return it first thing in the morning.”

  Candice smiled. “Thank you, Ja’mya. There is no rush, but I appreciate you exhibiting your responsibility.”

  Ja’mya nodded and I shot her one more glance before leading Candice through the house and out the front door. She pressed a button on her keys to unlock the doors and I reached around her to open the door on the driver’s side. Instead of getting right in, she stood there with her back to me for a moment before turning around to face me.

  “Jeremiah…”

  I looked at her expectantly.

  “What can I do for you, Ms. Candice?”

  I looked down into those green-flecked eyes and saw regret staring up at me. A wry smile twisted my lips. I know what that look meant.

  “Look—” My attempt at curving any pity was cut off by her lips meeting mine. Her hands cupped my face as she surprised me once more by initiating, but just as quickly as it began, it was over as she pulled away from me and used her thumbs to wipe all traces of her taste from my lips even as she licked her own.

  “I’m not sorry for that first kiss, but I do apologize for this one. I needed a second taste of those lips. My god, Jeremiah, why do you taste so good?”

  My mouth dropped open, but I was rendered speechless. How do you respond to something like that when you’re still recovering from the shock of being kissed by one of your ex’s friends? Luckily, Candice seemed to mean it as a rhetorical question.

  “Nevermind.” Her hands fell from my face to her side. “I can’t pursue anything with you. I would be haunted.”

  My brows furrowed in confusion. “Because of Lisa?”

  She nodded slowly, her eyes still on mine. “Yes.”

  I huffed. “But we aren’t even together. She doesn’t want me!”

  “Whether or not she wants you is to be determined, but that is beside the point. You still love her, and although I completely understand that those emotions aren’t so easily disposed of, I would be doing myself—and you—a disservice by attempting to slide into a spot that isn’t completely unoccupied. You know that I’m right.”

  I didn’t say anything; I couldn’t. There was nothing for me to refute, and if I were being honest, I knew it was too soon for me to even think of moving on. Glancing over at the house, I nodded.

  “But,” I brought my gaze back to Candice as she continued. “I hope you know that’s the only reason I’m saying no.” Her lids fluttered and I couldn’t help but grin knowingly. Those two kisses she laid on me definitely helped heal my bruised ego.

  I stepped back to put some space between us. “I got you. No hard feelings, I promise.”

  “Thank you, Jeremiah.”

  She looked at me like she wanted to say something else, but instead, she shook her head and climbed into her car. I closed the door and watched her back out of the driveway and drive down the street. Once she turned the corner, I walked up the path and went back inside. As I headed to the kitchen, the sound of running water hit me. Ja’mya was standing at the sink with her back to me. I walked up to her and peeked over her shoulder.

  “What are you doing, babygirl?”

  “Washing dishes.” Her reply was short but the waver in her voice was concerning.

  I moved to her side and tilted my head. In her hands was Candice’s dish. It was empty and covered in suds. I looked behind me to see the island was empty; both mine and Candice’s bowls were gone, along with our drinks. Turning back around
, I searched with my eyes until I spotted both bowls propped up in the drying rack on Ja’mya’s left. I backed up and went over to the refrigerator. When I didn’t see any new containers inside, I closed it and stared at my daughter’s back. Something wasn’t right. I stood there for a second, trying to figure out what it was when a lightbulb clicked on in my head. I went over to the trash can and stepped on the peddle to lift the top. Right on top was all of the etoufee. My jaw dropped and I spun around.

  “Ja’mya! Just what the hell do you call yourself doing?! Why did you throw that food away?!”

  She jumped in place when I spoke but didn’t turn around or answer me. She continued to rinse the dishes in her hands and place them on the rack with the others. My blood boiled.

  “If you don’t turn your lil’ self around and answer me, we are going to have a problem!”

  Immediately she spun around, face full of attitude. “I saw you!”

  “Saw me what?”

  “I saw you outside! I saw her kiss you! And you didn’t stop her!”

  Aww shit. The tension in my shoulders loosened and they dropped down as I deflated, anger gone. I moved across the room and the guilt I didn’t feel at the time of the kiss, hit me like a freight train at the tears in my baby’s eyes.

  “Mya…”

  She buried her face in my chest and burst into tears. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her to me, once again angry with Lisa for putting me in this position. Even though nothing would happen between me and Candice, is this something I’m going to have to deal with any time a woman shows some interest in me? My daughter is going to be pissed at me and act out. I let her cry it out but as soon as her sniffles grew quiet, I spoke.

  “You still shouldn’t have thrown the food away.”

  She stepped back and looked up at me. “I had already thrown it away before I saw you.”

  “But…why?”

  “Because, Daddy, I asked her to come over here and talk to you, not to put voodoo on you.”

  I sputtered with laughter. “Wha—what?”

  Ja’mya’s face was earnest. “Daddy, everyone knows you can’t eat red sauce made by a woman from Louisiana. She was probably trying to make you fall in love with her!”

  I laughed hard at that. That was something that DB had told me and my brother’s when we were growing up but I had no idea that it was something still mentioned today. Regardless, I couldn’t let her off the hook that easy.

  “Although I appreciate you looking out for me, that was still unacceptable for you to do. You should have talked to me about it,” when she opened her mouth, I cut her off, “first. Not after you’d already done it.”

  Her eyes fell to the middle of my chest. “I couldn’t take that chance.”

  “And what chance is that, Ja’mya?”

  Those, still damp, chestnut browns met mine. “That you might still eat it.”

  “Why would you think I’d do that? I don’t want to be forced into having romantic feelings for someone.”

  With a tilt of her head, she acknowledged me. “Yes, but you need love, Daddy. What if you can’t wait for Mommy to come back? You might want it from someone else, and Ms. Candice is really pretty. You might want it from her.”

  I swallowed around the lump that formed in my throat. “I think you are overestimating my appeal.” I hedged, uncomfortable with having this conversation with her. “I’m not the kind of man that women would use magic on.”

  She scoffed and rolled her eyes, her hands coming to a fold across her chest. “Daddy, please! You’re a very handsome man, you’re successful and a wonderful daddy. Ms. Candice would be lucky for you to even sneeze in her direction!”

  I felt my face heat. This was not the way I expected this conversation to go. “Mya, please!”

  She shrugged. “I’m just saying, Daddy. I love Ms. Candice, but I bet she wants you to be her daddy, too.”

  I nearly choked on my saliva. “Ja’mya! That is enough!”

  “Okay, okay! Maybe that was too, much. I’m sorry, Daddy.”

  “You think? Shit!” I turned my back and grabbed a new beer from the fridge since my first one was in the garbage. As I took a healthy pull from the bottle, Ja’mya’s voice sounded from behind me.

  “I just didn’t want her to steal you from us.”

  My eyes dropped closed and my head fell forward, sinking between my shoulders. I turned to my daughter.

  “Do you think I would ever let someone take me away from you?”

  Relief flooded me when she shook her head but it was quickly replaced with amusement at her words.

  “No, but if you were under the influence of voodoo, nothing would be able to stop you.”

  I chuckled. “Not even voodoo could keep me away from my favorite girl in the world.”

  A contemplative looked came across her face. “What about mommy? Could voodoo keep you away from her?”

  I sighed. “The only thing able to keep me away from Lisa is Lisa. Which is why we aren’t together anymore.”

  Ja’mya’s head dropped. “Okay, Daddy. I’m gonna go shower.” She left the room quickly and I cursed under my breath.

  Despite my reservations, it looked like the three of us were going to have to sit down and have an honest conversation about what was going on. The first step was for me to stop ignoring all of Lisa’s calls and messages.

  Chapter Eleven

  Lisa

  When I opened the door and saw Jeremiah and Ja’mya standing on the other side, my eyes started to well with tears. I couldn’t help it, I just felt overrun with emotions. Seeing the love of my life alive and well after a disastrous event made me so grateful. I hugged Ja’mya tightly and stepped aside so that she could enter Trisha’s house and go put her overnight bag in the room I was still occupying. I watched Jeremiah follow our daughter’s movements behind me.

  Just having the ability to hold him in my gaze for this extended period of time affected me. My breasts became heavy and my veins felt electrified. I sucked in a breath and bit my lip. What I wouldn’t give to be able to make love to him again. That scene in the bathroom at the repast didn’t count. It was nothing more than a joint masturbation session as far as I was concerned. He’d merely tolerated me having my way with him, and while I climaxed, I’d been far from satisfied.

  I wanted to feel his hands roam my body.

  I wanted to see his love for me in his eyes.

  I wanted to hear him whisper my name.

  I wanted to know that he felt the same desperation to be as close to me as possible that I felt in the moment.

  I wanted my J back.

  “Stop looking at me like that, man.”

  I blinked out of my reverie. His plump lips were twisted into a frown as he stared down at me. Even the obviously annoyed clench of his jaw turned me on and I realized that I’d settle for angry screwing without hesitation. Anything other than that passive nonsense he’d given me a week ago.

  He groaned and the sound nearly pulled an orgasm out of me. “Lisa. Stop.”

  “Why?” I sounded breathless, even to my own ears.

  His head tilted to the side as he observed me. The look on his face used to lead to me being face down in the bed while he worked behind me, but I wasn’t lucky enough for that to be my fate tonight.

  “I don’t think your fiance would appreciate you looking at another man like you want to swallow him whole.”

  My face burned with embarrassment as he threw the ridiculous lie I’d told back at me. I opened my mouth to defend myself, but Jeremiah held his hand up, cutting me off before I had a chance to say anything.

  “It’s all good. Forget I said anything; you don’t owe me any explanation of the type of arrangement y’all have. I’m just your baby’s daddy, after all. I ain’t shit, remember?”

  My heart ached at the bitterness in his voice. Bitterness that I had caused. “I never said that about you.”

  He nodded to himself and backed away from the door. “Actions speak
louder than words, Lee.” Within seconds, he was in his truck and pulling away from the curb.

  I closed the door and pressed my back against it. I’d been trying all week to get a moment alone with Jeremiah so that I could explain myself, but he’d shut me down at every attempt. The window of opportunity to come clean was shrinking with each day that passed, and if I didn’t put my foot down I would likely find myself permanently single. My hands cupped my belly briefly and I exhaled my frustrations just as Ja’mya came through the door of the hallway that lead to the bedrooms. She had agreed to spend the entire weekend with me and although I had been surprised, I glad for it. Usually, she only gave me one night before she ran back to Jeremiah but this time she seemed to jump at the option to stay until Monday. I needed some happiness to help boost my spirits and being with my daughter would hopefully give me the courage I needed to face her father’s ire.

  Ja’mya and I snuggled onto the couch to watch the newest romantic comedy and eat the pizza I had made. Halfway through the movie, Trisha arrived and squeezed onto Ja’mya’s other side. When the movie ended, Ja’mya quietly helped me clean away the remnants of our snacks and put the living room back in order. After ten minutes of silence, I grabbed her hand and waited for her to look my way.

  “What’s on your mind, sweetie?”

  “Um, I just want things to go back to how they were.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek, unsure of what upset me more about my actions; how they hurt Jeremiah, or how they hurt my daughter.

  “Oh, baby. I know that—”

  Ja’mya took a deep breath. “Do you still love Daddy? Did he cheat on you or did you cheat on him?” She spoke on one exhalation and all of her words came out in a jumble.

  I held my tongue. While I wanted to light into her for asking me questions about my personal life, I recognized that it wouldn’t be fair to immediately shut her down. Me and her father splitting up affected her just as much as it did us, and I’d be a fool to think she didn’t have questions about the changes to her world as she knew it. That didn’t stop me from checking her though.

  “Okay, before I answer that, just know that this is an isolated event. Going forward, you won’t be concerning yourself with my business on a regular basis. Now, that being said; I never stopped, absolutely not, and heck no!”