“Did she fuck hard?” She hissed as she slapped me again. “Was she good, Jay? WAS SHE GOOD?”
“Yes, she took it,” I growled back as her hands struck me harder and greedier. “She always takes it. You have every right to hate me Beatrice because for the last three days Belinda has allowed me to do everything I can’t do to you! Are you happy now?” I shouted, “ARE - YOU - HAPPY – NOW?”
The scream that left her fractured my soul as she at long last allowed the anger to explode in a wave of a fury so powerful I thought her mind would snap. She beat my chest with her fists as her nails clawed at me, her cries so loud and dejected that the sound of them bruised my heart. “I hate you!” she screamed. “I HATE YOU JAY CARTER. I FUCKING HATE YOU!”
“I know you do, I do too,” I answered quietly but I doubted she heard me as she unlocked the suffering she had hidden away and let it take her to a place she needed to go to.
When I felt her sorrow split into distress I knew she was finished and although she fought me at first, her tiny body relented and she allowed me to hold her as she wept and rocked herself into a pit of calm, the horror she had protected her heart from now taken from her and soaked up by my own.
“He raped me, he raped me, he raped me…” she chanted over and over as I held on to her and consoled her heartache.
“He will pay,” I promised as I sunk to the floor with her and pulled her tight to me. “I’m going to kill him Bea. I can promise you that.”
My heart skipped when all of a sudden her fingers fumbled with my fly and she started to kiss my neck, the tears that had fallen from her onto me now providing her with a river to taste. “What are you doing?”
“I need you,” she sobbed as she pulled my cock free, her tongue tracing the shell of my ear. “I need to erase him. I need a new memory. Please.”
“Bea…”
But she wasn’t listening and before I could protest further, she had straddled my thighs, pulled out the tampon and was sinking down the length of me slowly, her eyes fixed on mine, the pain she was in clearly visible on her face.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she rested her forehead on mine, her tears now dripping onto my lips for me to taste. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” She was stationary on me, my cock inside her but our joining was more than sex right then, we both needed the closeness provided in only one possible way.
“For not being what you need.”
“No,” I shook my head urgently, the pain in my heart unbearable with her declaration. “You are what I want Beatrice. You are.”
“But I can never be that woman. I can’t take what you need to give.”
She started to move slowly on me. Taking her hands, I threaded my fingers through hers and watched her pain turn to pleasure. Our eyes never left one another’s, our souls linked by the comfort we were giving. I watched the agony leave her eyes as her tears released all the heartache and the despair that had been locked deep inside her. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she rode me slowly. The sensation was so exquisite and amazing that I trembled with the bliss she was forcing into me with every one of her gentle moves.
Suddenly she gasped and shuddered upon me and as I cried out and filled her with what she needed to mask the scent of the bastard who had taken so much from her, I grinned with a laugh that I couldn’t hold back and cupped her cheek. “You see,” I whispered in awe of what had just happened. “You see, you are enough, Bea, you are enough.”
For the first time in my life I had just made love. And for the first time a woman had taken me, tenderly and adoringly. And for the first time in my life I admitted that the connection between a man and woman wasn’t just about sex, it was about the linking of minds and souls.
Beatrice smiled softly. “You think this could work? That you could…”
“Sugar,” I smiled widely. “With you I can. I know it will work. The feeling was so intense that my mind wasn’t anywhere but with you, my soul dancing with yours. I’m yours Beatrice Vine, all of me.”
I was bursting inside, the feeling inside me overwhelming. The darkness within me hadn’t even tapped on the door to join in. My mind had solely been on the woman who needed the gentleness and adoration.
I kissed her with a passion that took both our breaths away, our mouths moving in perfect symmetry as our tongues met and idolised the other. Her arms slid round me the same time as mine did her and as we just kissed and held each other for a long time. The usual beat in my heart amplified until I was sure it was going to burst through my chest and offer itself to Beatrice.
I gasped and froze. Beatrice reared back, her eyes wide on me. “What’s wrong,” she asked quickly, her face full of anguish when she sensed my shock. “What is it?”
“I…” For a moment I couldn’t breathe, the tightness to my chest struggling to cope with the swell inside. The emotion running through me was so completely extraordinary that I didn’t know what to do with it.
“Jay,” Bea urged when I stared at her. “What?”
“I…” She nodded in encouragement. I took her hand and gulped, staring at her in amazement. “I… I’ve fallen in love with you. I love you.” Each word tumbled from me in a slur. “Jesus bloody Christ, Beatrice Vine. I’m in love with you.”
Chapter 17
Bea
The smile on my face still refused to die. Although I hadn’t returned Jay’s sentiment, he knew. It was different for me. After being married before, I’ll admit I was scared, terrified that once I voiced what was in my heart, another man had that sort of control over me. I knew I loved Jay Carter but my broken spirit was reluctant to give him that amount of power.
Jay mumbled something in his sleep and I ran my fingers over his cheek, soothing his nightmare in the only way I could. He sighed then snuggled deeper into the mattress and fell into a peaceful slumber once again.
The luminous numbers on the clock told me it was late into the night but with little sleep in me I slipped out from under Jay and pulled on his fluffy white robe before venturing down to the kitchen.
After downing a glass of water, I tackled the coffee machine sat taunting me on the worktop. I hated those things, they always had a deep hatred for me, and after numerous attempts to make myself a coffee this one also finally decided it didn’t like me and threw out a huge splatter of brown muck that sprayed across the front of Jay’s perfectly pristine robe.
“Shit!”
My eyes widened on the mess as I snatched up a cloth and attempted to scrub at the mess. It was having none of it, my frantic swipes doing nothing but press the sludge into a deeper stain.
“Oh Christ.”
I looked around the kitchen for the washing machine, my despair increasing when there appeared to be no such appliance. I wondered for a moment if he just used the launderette but when I spotted a door to the rear of the kitchen, I smiled. The man had a utility room.
Quickly pulling the door open, I frowned when I was met with a steep slope of stone steps. “What the hell!” I mused as I started down them. “Who in God’s name tramples up and down with their laundry?” I scoffed to myself when Jay’s declaration of hating sports came to mind. Maybe this was how he worked out, the steps providing him with the delicious abs he had. He had to get them somehow.
It was dark and I felt my way along the deeper down I got, my bare feet feeling for the edge of each step and my hands pressing into the cold wall for a sense of direction. My skin prickled when I came to the bottom and a single lone door sat foreboding and menacing in the small area. I turned, looking back up the steps towards the kitchen. I knew I shouldn’t be there, I felt it in my bones but I also couldn’t turn back.
Some part of me knew it wasn’t Jay’s utility room that sat at the other side of the door, but the other part of me was too curious to turn back. Taking another glance back up the stairs and finding myself still alone, I gripped the door handle and twisted it.
I was surprised when the door opened, I
had expected it to be locked but when it swung open and the darkness inside met me, my heart beat kicked up a gear and my legs started to tremble.
Taking a breath, I stepped inside. It was too dark and I slapped my hand on the wall when my feet found a couple of steps. All of a sudden, a soft light burst in the room and lit up the area for me.
My body froze completely, my eyes wanting to widen but unable to with the shock surging in my veins. My stomach twisted as my lungs worked overtime and forced my breathing to continue.
I took a hesitant step further in, my eyes zeroing in on the set of three chains hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the otherwise bare room. I approached it slowly. I knew what it was and why it was there.
Curling my fingers around the thick leather collar that was attached to the bottom of the central chain, I shivered. Visions burst into my mind of women hung, swinging precariously in mid-air while Jay wielded a whip and tortured them until they couldn’t withstand the pain and dangled bleeding and unconscious. The echo of their screams brought tears to my eyes and it was as if I could physically feel their pain running through me.
A row of whips, floggers, canes and tails sat attached to the back wall, the leather on each used and worn. I could almost imagine the sound of them whipping through the air, the wall sprayed with blood as the tears of pain from each woman was absorbed into the stone floor.
“Don’t allow your imagination to tell you a story that isn’t true,” Jay spoke quietly from behind me.
I spun around. He was stood quietly watching me from the doorway. Taking a step into the room, his eyes firmly fixed on mine, he walked to the chain and held the collar in his hand.
Standing still, I watched him mutely as he studied me. The sadness in his eyes was scorching my own and I started to pant when he silently took the collar and slipped it around his own neck. It fit him perfectly, the buckle fastening on the fourth hole. His face flushed red and he closed his eyes before he slowly turned around. For the first time, I bore witness to his strong, wide back… his strong, disfigured and scarred wide back.
“Oh my God.” Tears burnt my eyes as my own strangled words choked me.
He lowered his face to the ground when I walked up behind him. Unable to control my thoughts or actions, I lifted my hand and pressed it against the welts that sat angry and sore on the stretch of mutilated skin he was baring to me. Each slash was deep and I had no doubt that each profound mark penetrated not only his flesh but his soul.
“Who did this?”
I thought for a moment he hadn’t heard me when he kept on staring to the floor. He lifted both hands and slid them into the cuffs that hung from the other two chains. They snapped around his wrists automatically and pulled taut until his arms were high over his head and the edge of his toes scarcely touched the floor.
“What are you doing?” I panicked, slipping my arms around his as I tried to pull him back down. I knew the angle his body was in must be extremely painful, the pull on his shoulders aching every single muscle from his neck all the way down to his fingers. “Jay!”
“You thought this was for women, that I hurt women,” he said with a strangled whisper. “You wouldn’t have believed me if I had just argued your thoughts.” His narrow eyes were watching me closely. “You need to see, Bea.”
“Well I don’t want to see,” I snapped as I scrambled to reach the cuffs around his wrists, attempting to snap them back open. But I was too small, my tiny height once again hindering me. “Jay!” I pleaded as I started to weep. “I don’t want to see. I don’t want to.”
“But you need to Bea. I not only like to do this to women… I like them to do it to me. You need to see the monster inside me. You need to witness it and accept that it’s there.”
“No!” I sobbed as I moved around the front of him and grasped his face. The devastation and shame on his face fractured my soul. Shaking my head at him, the anger mixing with the sadness, I coughed as I choked on my tears. “Jay, please.”
“The bullwhip is my particular choice,” he whispered, ignoring my protests as I still tried to free him. “Although it usually depends on how hard I need to take the punishment.”
“Punishment?” I spluttered when my sobs became uncontrollable and his own hatred started to drown me.
“Punishment,” he repeated mechanically as his gaze remained on the stark stone floor. He was slipping away, the haze over his eyes alerting me to his inner shield, the protection he slipped into when he needed to cope with whatever hell his mind was tormenting him with.
“What the hell do you need punishing for?” He didn’t answer me. “Jay!”
His head dropped and his body sagged. His knees bent, the action causing him to hang from the three chains motionless and lifeless, his body swinging with his dead weight.
“Jay!” I slapped his face but it only caused him to sway harder, the collar around his neck pulling tightly. “JAY!”
I scanned the area quickly. There must be some emergency release button but my gaze found none. Taking a deep breath, I pressed my hands onto his shoulders and jumped, hoisting my body up his until I was climbing his body. Hooking my legs around his waist I fumbled with the collar, wincing when the tight pull made it difficult to release the prong from its hole. The cuffs around his hands were the only things stopping him from strangling himself so I knew I had to release the collar before the cuffs but it was too hard, the weight of his comatose body and mine straining the buckle.
Finally after screaming with effort, I managed to release it. The cuffs were easier, held my a simple clasp that had a release button for quick access.
We both dropped to the floor and I sobbed hard as I pulled his unconscious body onto my lap and held him tightly. “Jay,” I begged as I lifted his face towards mine. “Jay, please. Come on.”
But he didn’t wake. His breathing was regular and he looked peaceful wherever his mind had taken him to but my heart was breaking, the overwhelming sadness possessing me pouring out of me in huge waves.
We lay there for what seemed like hours. It could have been, yet it could have been mere minutes as I clung to him and he lingered wherever his unconscious had taken him.
Eventually, I felt him stir in my arms. His eyes opened and a deep misery looked back at me. He frowned and reached up to touch my face, his fingertips stroking the tracks of my tears. “You didn’t punish me.”
I stared in confusion, his words aching my heart and angering my gut. “What? Of course I didn’t!”
“You should have.”
“No!” I hissed, shoving him away when his need disgusted me. “No, Jay. I will never punish you.”
“But why? I need you to.”
Vomit curled in my belly and I clenched my fists in anger. “Is that what she does?” I spat out. I’d had it so very wrong. What I thought was Jay whipping Belinda for his own sexual needs was completely and utterly wrong. I knew he did need to dish out pain for sexual pleasure but this, this was so very different.
I stared at him in both fury and pity. I wanted to hurt Belinda for doing this to him. I wanted to hurt Jay for taking what he thought he needed.
“Beatrice?” he prompted when I stood silent. I looked at him sadly and shook my head.
“I can’t ever do that, Jay. Don’t ever ask me to.”
He nodded softly then looked away. “But this is me, Bea. This – is – me!”
Gritting my teeth, I locked down my emotions and pulled my shoulders back, quickly trying to protect my heart before it shattered inside me. “Then neither of us can be what the other needs.”
The desolation in his bright blue eyes displayed every single bit of the wreckage inside him, I could practically see his soul breaking into pieces and crumbling into dust. He gazed at me, engraining me into his soul before he gave me a simple nod. “Then I will say goodbye.”
The pain that tore through me made every single cell in my body scream in agony. The blood in my veins froze en-route to my heart and filled the or
gan with an ice that burnt so deeply I knew I would never again feel it beat inside me.
Saying no more, I took one last look at the man I had fallen in love with then left, leaving him weeping on the floor of his self-created hell.
Chapter 18
Jay
It had been three weeks since Bea had left me alone and foolishly weeping in the depths of my hell. Although I understood why she couldn’t give me what I needed nor could she stomach what I was, I would be lying if I didn’t admit I was hurt and disappointed.
I had seen the horror on her face when I’d found her in my basement, her fingers hesitantly trailing across the numerous tools I used. Her mind had been telling her lies, I had seen it, images of women hung and hurt from the chain terrorising her. I wasn’t sure now though if I should have left her to continue with her own story she had made up. The disgust and pity on her face after I bared who I really was would never leave my heart, the torment of her tears something that will haunt me for a long time.
“Jay,” Miles my best friend sighed again. “Go see her, talk to her.”
“I can’t.” Miles was the only one, aside from Belinda, who knew everything within me. At first, his disgust had mirrored Bea’s but he’d come to accept that side of me, and at the moment he was my only sounding board. Belinda wouldn’t understand, nor would she accept Beatrice. I knew Belinda was in love with me, she’d told me and if she ever knew I was in love with someone else, the hurt I would cause her would be too much. Not only was Belinda my punisher, she was also my friend. A valued friend who I cared about a lot. “I haven’t seen her at work, Fran her assistant said she was holidaying in Italy, although she did say she should have been back last week. Whether that’s a lie is neither here nor there. She is obviously avoiding me and until she can admit to herself what the truth is, there’s no point.”
Miles regarded me for a moment then sighed heavily. “But you’re in love with her. Surely that is reason enough to fight for her.”
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