by Venice Kelly
“Paige invited me.” Vanessa says still avoiding even remotely looking at me or in my direction.
I watch Brian nod his head and lean into her ear to whisper something while they embrace and I’m hoping it is her telling him she’s not leaving. My stomach plummets by the time she opens her mouth.
“Sure. Nat Brian’s going to take me home are you okay?” Vanessa asks looking at her sister. Natalie nods her head and Shane looks at her.
“She’s had one beer. I haven’t had one in a while if she needs I’ll drive her home along with the truck.” Shane says, he’s still eyeing Brian and looking between me and Vanessa.
Austin hands me a cold beer from the cooler. I’m pretty sure its to stop me from doing something stupid like tackling the tool to the ground and beating the shit out of him. The worst part is I shouldn’t feel like this, years later. It was easy when she was away, when I could just hook up with some random chick and not remember how it was like with Vanessa. Now that she’s home now, now that I crossed that often blurry line with her I realize how much time I have wasted. Hiding away in different women, holding onto the scars of that night. I watch them walk up the pathway and disappear into the treeline.
Austin’s words knock me back into reality and leave me perplexed and confused as hell. “Just comforting her my ass.”
I lift the beer to my lips and take a long drink letting the amber liquid go slowly down the back of my throat. I hear Paige laugh at the statement and I want to curse myself even more, fuck it all to shit I’m screwed.
CHAPTER NINE
Vanessa
GETTING OUT OF my bed I venture down the hallway a few days later and cast a glance at the closed guest bedroom door. Brian is sleeping there and not because my mother is prude or anything like that. I am sure she knows we sleep together. He’s sleeping there because it feels damn guilty when we are together and the only thing I can think about is Jake kissing me the other night at the lake. I should tell Brian but then again I am not sure what I am supposed to tell him. It isn’t like I can go back in time and forget the last four years didn’t happen they did.
I went to LA I left home. I ended things with Jake simply and to the point and we haven’t even begun to talk about that incident of my letter. A letter that I wrote when I was very confused, very angry at everyone and anything especially myself. Being home however has changed things even if I want to deny that it hasn’t. I can’t very well expect Brian to go back to LA and wait for me. I have obligations here at the farm. I also don’t want to hurt the man that has been in my life for the past two years. I stand there for a few moments before my sister comes into the hallway and leans on her door frame.
“He went out to the barn about an hour ago. Said he wanted to see a different side of you,” Natalie says, she’s picking at her nails and I wait a few moments before she speaks again.
“I don’t want to fight with you or anything but Brian seems like a nice guy alright. I know being around Jake is probably screwing with your head. He’s not the same guy that you remember from four years ago.” She says looking at me and I know it’s sisterly and she’s not trying to pry this time where she doesn’t belong.
She’s right the Jake I remember from four years ago is the Jake that didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. The Jake I remember is the Jake that walked out of my hospital room with so much anger at me. The Jake I remember told me he hated me. This version of Jake however is different and I don’t know how to describe exactly how but he is. I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do and I nod my head at her.
“I’m just saying Brian’s nice that’s all,” She continues.
I know Brian is a good guy and it’s not like Jake and I did anything other than kiss but the reality is that I wanted to do more. If he would have pushed me up against a tree and had his way with me I would have let him. It would have been wrong and I would have felt guilty for a number of reasons afterwards but I would have let him. Guilty because Hannah is not there, guilty because technically I’m still Brian’s girlfriend. Guilty for still caring about Jake in that way.
“I know.” I say finally looking at her as I slip on my boots at the top of the stairs.
I pulled them out of my closet that day after inside the arena. They’re worn and still fit reminding me of my roots. I haven’t been in the barn yet, or the fields or the arena much since I’ve decided to stay. I’ve actually been helping my mother begging to go through my dad’s archaic budgeting system and the books. I’ve been calling a few of the loans to make some deals on payments. Most have been pretty understanding. My dad’s life insurance will cover the funeral costs, the portion of what we back owe in taxes after that we have to come up with a something for the mortgage.
“I’ve been thinking about maybe taking next semester off.”
Natalie’s words make me turn around and look at her again and I can tell she is serious. Going to college was always important to my parents. She can’t just quit she only has two years left to go.
“Hear me out our part of the tuition is expensive, along with room and board. I can be useful here taking on a few more students to help Hank. If push comes to shove I can take a few classes at the local community college too.” Natalie says walking out of her room and I notice she’s serious.
“Have you talked to mom about this?” I ask.
I’m still wary about the idea honestly it’s unlike Natalie to not go back to school. She has a partial scholarship and obligations to her teammates. I guess it is a bit hypocritical of me I did just quit my job in LA and tell Charlotte to pack all my shit up and send it to me. On a whim to stay and help my mom because I need to help her out right now.
“Not yet. Hank needs the help with lessons. I know we can’t afford to hire another one.” Natalie says pulling on her own boots next to me.
“You’re right we can’t. Let me talk to mom about it don’t do anything brash.” I tell her pulling my jeans down inside of my brown boots.
“Like you did when you came back?”
I roll my eyes in response and head down the staircase. My mother is already outside probably checking on the horses we board. I pass the coffee pot debating about if I need a cup. Which I decide I do as I grab a mug out of the cupboard and the backdoor opens. Brian comes in and we stand in silence for a few moments inside the kitchen while I pour myself a cup of coffee. We should talk about our relationship and what the next step is, I should tell him what happened with Jake.
“You never told me they’re so pretty not that I haven’t seen horses before they’re way different up close than looking at them on a TV,” He says, looking at me while he takes a seat at the table. I shrug my shoulders as I look at him before taking a drink of the coffee and he speaks again. “We should have talked before you just decided that you were moving back here and quitting your job. I want to be here for you but you keep pushing me away.”
There is an obvious hurt in his voice when he speaks I do that to people push them away make them hurt. I’m good at it hell look at all the destruction here in Westlake that I caused. He’s right I should have talked to him about quitting work and about my decision to come home to help my mom until things get settled. The other part is Natalie was right in some ways I came home for Jake too. So that we can finally bury our past, so that we can both move on. Kissing him though the other night has my brain scattering in different directions, we still have chemistry together. Then again we have a past, a past that I’m not sure four years is enough time, enough distance to overcome or erase. I don’t want it to be erased I was driving that night, it was my choice to reach for my phone. My decision.
“Vanessa?”
Brian’s voice breaks me out of my head and my fingers play with the granite on the counters in the kitchen. An anniversary gift my dad gave to my mom when the farm was doing well. “I know I just didn’t know how you were going to take it. I don’t expect you to wait for me but I need to be here.”
Brian folds his h
ands on the table for a moment, his jaw ticks out of irritation and I know what is coming next before it even leaves his mouth.
“Are you staying for your mom or for Jake? You could help her from LA easily. I’m not stupid Vanessa I know who the asshole is.” His eyes meet mine and for the first time since my dad died I’m speechless with him.
“That’s not fair. My mom needs me here. There is nothing between Jake and I anymore.” I say the first part coming out of my mouth easily, my mother does need me. The second part is a lie the moment it comes out and I hate it that I have to lie to him.
“Then why was he at the bonfire the other night?” Brian asks folding his arms and looking at me his eyes burning into mine.
“He’s friends with Austin and Shane. He lives here I’m going to run into him.”
It is a stupid answer the moment I give it and causes an uneasy tension between us that simmers in the air. It feels suffocating like this part of my life is slipping away now. Long distance relationships hardly work out we both know that but for some reason I want to hold onto it. Clinging to LA and to Brian is something I need if I let go of that I will be drowning here at home. Drowning in the past, memories and Jake something that will pull me under and never let me go. I go to say something when my mother enters the kitchen taking off her hat and placing it on one of the pegs to hang it.
“Good your up. We have those two new Arabians to check in today. Brian enjoyed his tour this morning.” My mother looks between us and smiles trying to break the tension. “I told him you could take him out for a ride later if he wanted. Said he’s never had a lesson.”
I stare at her my mouth nearly hanging open. I haven’t ridden in years and I am not going to start now. I want to protest and say something when Natalie comes into the kitchen.
“I’ll take him Vanessa said something about making a few calls this morning on some stuff. Come on city slicker,” Natalie says, slapping Brian’’s shoulder as she puts on a light jacket.
Brian doesn’t say anything back to me as he gets up from his chair and I am not sure if it is to not cause a scene or if he’s being polite. I watch him and my sister head out the back door, watch them through the window as they head to the barn. My mother comes to stand beside me at the sink. Wrapping her arms around my shoulder she hugs me before kissing my forehead.
“He’s a keeper,” Her voice is quiet when she speaks.
The words engulf me in a wave of misery, yes Brian is a keeper I know that everyone in my life knows that. The words should comfort me, they should send my heart beating wildly in my chest. They don’t instead they instill a sense of dread inside of me, make me feel numb like I’m in a slow motion picture without sound. The man would probably walk off the face of the earth for me but he’s not Jake. It was easy to be lost with Brian in LA consumed in the life I had built there when I didn’t have to speak or see Jake around. I don’t say anything back to her as I turn and make my way into my father’s office.
CHAPTER TEN
Jake
SITTING INSIDE HAVEN Pizza at seven o’clock the next night I undo my tie after a long day of work and meetings I’m exhausted and beat. Looking at my watch, I grab the pint of beer off the worn table and glance up when the doorbell rings, and Shane walks in with Austin. I’ve been going out of my mind since the bonfire and not in a good way; it’s shown at work and at home. Hell, when I tried to fuck Jess the other night it wasn’t working; that hasn’t happened in years. I couldn’t do it. She got off fine but I couldn’t. I blamed it on being tired. Jess looked pissed and we haven’t talked in a few days now. Which honestly is a fucking relief that I never thought I would feel. All that I do know is that having Shane use some of his connections to look up the tool that Vanessa is seeing is low. Even for a guy like me it’s low.
Shane looks like he hasn’t slept in a few days and he confirms about as much when he slides into the booth Austin behind him, and grabs the pizza menu off the table. I take the pitcher of beer and poor them both a glass. My hands tap on the table more to keep them busy than anything else spying on her and her life is wrong. I know that I have no right, too. My father keeps asking for the papers to the farm I’ve locked the damn contract in my desk at work so I won’t look at it. Taking the farm from them would kill the Harvell’s and it’s not something I am sure Vanessa and I would ever come back from. It’s silly to think about a future with her, to hope for one even now. All that I do know is that I can’t do that to them.
“So what did you find out?” I ask Shane looking at him and picking up a menu I’m debating between the pepperoni and their meat lovers.
“He’s clean as a whistle his last parking ticket was over five years ago. He’s from Los Angeles originally. His father is in investor at Brickwell Financial, his mother stays at home. He has two brothers. What were you expecting Jake?” Shane says, looking at me like I’ve completely lost my mind. Austin is silent next to him he’s already gave me an earful the other night.
I know I shouldn’t ask the next part it will only cause myself more misery.
“How long has she been seeing him?”
Shane waits a moment his fingers tapping against his glass, he’s considering telling me a lie. We’ve been friends long enough for me to know that.
“I just need to know alright?”
“She’s been seeing him for the last two years. They met in college but didn’t get together till later.” Shane says looking at me and stiffening his back.
I let the words sink in two years it took her two years to forget about me, forget about us and move on. I shouldn’t be surprised at the answer with how I ended things with her I shouldn’t have expected her to hold out forever but that wounds me. Cuts deep at my pride and my soul we were together for three fucking years. We planned a future together, I was going to ask her to marry me for Christ’s sakes. For a moment I’m angry at her for throwing it away and not fighting for us and then reality jolts me back. I didn’’t fight for her either.
“Two years.” I say the words quietly out loud and take a sip of my beer. Shane looks at me for a moment before he speaks again.
“You guys were both pretty fucked up after what happened with Hannah. We all were,” he says, reminding me that Hannah’s death not only destroyed Vanessa and me, but it left holes in Austin. Sent him and Paige into a downward spiral. “I’m not saying that you forget what happened that night. I don’t think any of us do. I’m saying maybe you guys need to both forgive each other and yourselves finally.”
I’ve carried a lot of guilt the last four years from that night going over what should have happened. What I could have done differently that night to not let them leave. I also went through the first year of Hannah’s death blaming Vanessa to the point I lost myself along the way. It was easier to hate her than forgive her for driving that night, for me that pinnacle happened when my mom left. There was nothing there anymore. I had no more hate for her when my life fell apart Vanessa wasn’t there.
I’ve never admitted it to her out loud or Shane or Austin. But I needed her there when my parents split when my life fell apart, I need her to tell me everything would be alright like she would when we were dating. I needed her to hold me and comfort me and in those moment watching my mother leave it hit me. She was gone from my life and I was the cause of it. Even now I can’t mutter those words to Shane. Instead I sit quietly opposite of him and stare into my beer stein.
“Sort of like you and Paige?” I ask I know it’s a way to deflect what is going on with me and Vanessa. The feelings she is stirring up in me now that she is home but it’s the only way I know how to cope.
“It’s different for me and Paige,” Shane says, bring his glass to his lips and smiling at the waitress when she comes over. “I’ll have the vegetarian.”
He hands her the menu and then looks towards me when the waitress does. Austin looks at Shane like he’s nuts for ordering what he would consider chick food. The waitress is brunette, short, younger than us, probabl
y Natalie’s age and my insides crawl when she smiles at me. I have a reputation it’s not like I don’t now in town and it’s not like she doesn’t know who I am. Her fingers play with her pad and I hand her the menu, she’s trouble I can tell it in her eyes.
“I’ll have the meat lovers.”
“Sure thing Mr. Donovan.”
Her voice is laced with desire when she says it and Shane is watching the exchange from the other side of the booth while she leaves. I hate it when people call me Mr. Donovan; it reminds me way too much of my dad. The way she said it though, like we were going to spend the weekend in bed together, has my empty stomach tying into knots.
“I’d stay away from that if I were you,” Austin says, looking at me over his glass and resting his arms on the table. He waits a moment for the silence between us all to sit for a bit before he continues. “I figured Jess would be here.”
“We’re not speaking at the moment.” I tell him it’s the truth her texts have stopped and I’m relieved and she’s not calling me for sex all the time. No that it matters I can’t stop thinking about Vanessa long enough to get into it with her anyway.
“Good.” Austin says bluntly and Shane’s eyes widen at him.
I stare at my best friend and I want to glare he’s never liked Jess has made that known for years but even this is a shock to me. I try not to let it get me worked up too much I know how I’ve treated Jess on and off over the years. Hell the way I treat any woman that comes to my bed. Austin’s statement burns me and before I know it the words are flying out of my mouth.
“And why is that?”
“Because she is the bitch that came onto you at the party that night.”
My lips form a silent line as Austin reminds me coldly my part in what happened that night. Jess had come onto me at the party I had already had about three beers that night and I was buzzed as shit. I kissed her back and Hannah had walked in. It was stupid and damn selfish. The disgusted look on my sister’s face was something that I am fairly sure I remember most nights. Maybe that is why the last few years I keep hooking up with her, trying to figure out why I kissed her back.
