by Venice Kelly
“Vanessa.” He whispers it into my ear as I feel him pull out before shoving back into me jerking my body against the wall.
My lips finally part, by breath catching as my hands clutch onto his back. Pulling him to me loving the feel of his skin against mine years later. I don’t know where it comes from when it does but his name is a light whisper in the cool night.
“Jake.”
His eyes meet mine again before capturing my lips in a hungry kiss that leaves me wanting more. He pulls out to plunge back in and the world stops. I don’t know how long we are moving as one, flesh against flesh chasing each other. I can’t speak, I can barely breath. Instead I feel myself let go in his arms my fingers digging into his back as my world glazes over. He chases his release moment later. He presses his forehead against mine until our bodies still together, his hands still holding me as he slips out of his jeans. It’s intimate and intense, it makes me want to run away knowing this could only be a fleeting moment we will have. He never gives me the option before he lays me down in his bed before laying down beside me we both lay there. I close my eyes the sound of the breathing between us wondering how long this will last.
Beep. Beep. Where are my parents?
I feel like something has hit my head it hurts so bad, I can hear a fan or something pushing air. My eyelids flutter open and I see Jake leaning over a chair next to me his hands behind his head, staring at the ground. I can already see the tears stains on his cheeks. He won’t look at me, won’t acknowledge me. That feeling sinks into me and settles in a way that makes me sick.
What in the hell has happened? Where am I why does my head hurt so much?
I remember leaving the cabin after our fight Hannah wanted to go home. We were just driving down the road my phone rang. I stare at a white spot on the wall as my mouth goes to speak only nothing comes out and I realize there is a tube coming out of my mouth. I want to scream something anything other than lay here and feel helpless. My eyes dart back over to him in that chair, he is here and that sends a small comfort to me. I’m so tired and my eyes flutter back closed encasing me in darkness.
When I open them again there is no tube. Jake is no longer in the chair my mother is sitting by my bed gripping my hand.
“Garrett!” She screams for my father.
I blink a few times trying to figure out what in the hell is going on.
“What happened? Where is Hannah? Where is Jake?” I stutter and my voice is quiet and hoarse when I say it.
My mother’s eyes fill with tears as she pulls me close. “We thought we lost you. There was an accident.”
I bolt my eyes awake at the memory and my eyes adjust to the darkness in Jake’s bedroom he is still sleeping besides me. I try to calm my breathing, I gently remove his arm from my waist as I sit up and lean over the side of the bed dragging the sheet he placed there with me. Seeing him in bed though undoes me and tears stream down my face. Reality sets in at the fact it was so easy for us to fall back into old habits as if the accident never happened. It did. I wipe my eyes as I feel him shift besides me and he reaches out for me.
“Where are you going?” His voice is groggy and I’m not sure what I should say to that. Was I staying or going?
“I should go. We should talk. This shouldn’t of-“ I begin wanting to run away. He silences me stroking my back, pulling back down in bed.
“Stay we can talk in the morning. I don’t want you to go.” His voice is soft and despite my better judgment I lay back down. My breathing slows again and I will myself to close my eyes.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Jake
IF I WAS a decent human being I would have dropped her off at home last night I wouldn’t have taken her back to my place. I don’t regret that we made love and looking over at her under the sheet in my bed I have to wonder if she does. I felt her jump during the night and I have to wonder if it was about that night and the time after. She was shaking, getting ready to leave almost as if she was somehow ashamed of what we did. I don’t want that for her.
Getting out of bed I reach for my pants, zipping them up as I open the curtain slightly to let the ray of sunshine through the crack. Her hair staining my pillowcase her lips slightly parted, I take in the sight. I missed this. The moments where she is there, real not a distant thought or memory that I am clinging too. I have to wonder how long it will last this time. She was right last night. We should have talked but didn’t. I don’t know why we keep putting it off other than it is too painful for the both of us, that it will open wounds that we aren’t ready for.
Leaning down a brush a stray hair out of her face before leaning in and kissing her temple before grabbing my phone as well. The scent of her hair filling my nostrils and I catalogue that in my head. Walking back down the hallway I look at the clock it’s late in the morning and I start making coffee. In truth I haven’t had a lot of women sleep over it’s not my style mainly it has been Jessica the last few years. It’s funny how life works like that. When my phone buzzes I take it out to look at the text from Shane.
So how did it go?
I don’t know what to really say to that it went well better than well on my end. It’s her end that I’m worried about. My fingers type quickly over the keys typing out what I am sure is not the lamest reply ever.
Fine.
Fine as in we’re still ‘just’ friends or fine we finally decided to put shit behind us and give each other a second chance?
I stare at those words a second chance that is what we have at the moment one that I know I can ruin. The contract for the sale of the farm weighs on me in that moment. I know it is what Garrett wanted just not the way my dad envisioned it. No I was going to work with Garrett invest in the land and the farm, my way of being close to the Harvells. Only this time I don’t know how the woman in my bed is going to feel about that at all. There are some days I curse him for not having the chance to tell Sharon about or plans. I don’t want her to look at me like she did after my sister’s funeral when she found out about me sleeping with Jessica. Those eyes that day haunt me in my sleep. I want her to look at me like she used too, like she did last night.
Jake you alright?
The buzzing of my phone makes me pause as the memory of that night fills me a very different message. A message that changed the course of both of our lives.
Running with Austin close behind me I enter the emergency room to spot Shane talking with a police officer. Paige is beside him in the chair rubbing his back. His pants are still wet, forming a pool of water around his feet. Paige’s face is stained with tears. I can hear the sirens outside when the door automatically opens and closes. Austin is a mess besides me, grabbing my shoulder to stop my dead run to more of a brisk fast paced walk.
“Tell me again son what happened?” The officer says looking at Shane a notepad in hand.
Shane looks up at me and takes a breath his voice uneven when he speaks, “Paige and I were just coming around the bend when we saw the Jeep go off the road. I put the car in park I had her call 911 as I went down the side of the road after the car. It was going under- I went into the water, Vanessa was in the front seat. The belt was stuck so I had to use my knife to cut it off. I pulled her to shore and that was when I saw Hannah there-“
He doesn’t even get a chance to finish shaking his head, the officer nods solemnly at them before turning around to look at us.
“Mr. Donovan?” He asks.
I nod my head at him. I can feel my knees going weak and I try to search Shane’s face for what I know he is going to say. She’s gone.
“Your sister was in an accident this evening. A deer ran out into the middle of the road the driver of the car swerved to avoid it. Unfortunately when that happened the vehicle overturned. Your sister was thrown from the vehicle. Her injuries were severe and right now the doctors are running some tests. She was unresponsive when she arrived.“ He continues on and my brain drowns it out.
How many times had we all told her to wear
a fucking seat belt? Sometimes she would other times it was like talking to brick wall. She put her seatbelt on before she left right? I glance over at Austin who is shell shocked as he takes a seat next to Shane and Paige, reality setting in for my best friend. I don’t know how long I stare at the man in front of me or how long he talks before I hear him speak the next words.
“Your friend the girl driving was alive when she was brought in. Right now she’s in surgery. She was wearing her belt. I’m very sorry for your loss.”
I let it hit me Hannah is gone, dead. While Vanessa is still alive and I don’t know why I get so angry at that but I do. It’s not fair, my sister was young and vibrant. I can feel the sting of my own tears prickling my eyes as I see Garrett and Sharon rushing into the emergency room. A room that feel so small and so cold now, I can’t even look at them when I brush past them and out into the rain.
Hours later after my parents have arrived and after doctors have confirmed my sister has no brain activity my mother decides to pull the plug on her life support. I can’t be there for it. I can’t watch it happen so instead I make my way down the hospital corridor to her room. Laying in white hospital bed, tubes coming out of her chest, head wrapped. I hear the nurses say something about a medical induced coma for brain swelling. Natalie is outside wiping her eyes.
“Can I see her?” I ask.
“Yeah I’d think she like that. My parents went to get coffee and make some calls.”
I can tell she is barely holding it together trying to keep it together for her parents. She squeezes my shoulder. “I’m sorry about Hannah.”
I don’t say anything back to her as I nod my head at her before walking into Vanessa’s room. Hours ago I was planning on spending my life with her, hours ago I let Jessica worm her way onto me. She looks fragile and broken in that bed, pulling up the chair I lean forward in it resting my head in my hands. It was all my fault, hearing my phone buzz I don’t pull it out I know what it will say. Hannah is gone. I glance up for a moment at the girl I love before lowering my head and letting the tears come as grief finally overtakes me.
I hear my bedroom door open and close jolting me back from reality I haven’t really thought about that day in years. When I look up at Vanessa walking into the kitchen in my t-shirt I know that back then I was angry at everyone, including myself. Her eyes dart around the kitchen looking for some way out I can tell it’s written all over her face.
“Are you hungry? I made coffee.” I say. When she doesn’t answer I move towards her cautiously watching her move to the couch to collect her shirt. I move faster than she does and hold the shirt in my hands.
“Give it to me. I shouldn’t even be here. We shouldn’t of- Jesus she’s gone. I did that, I have to live with that every day. I don’t need you screwing around with my head again. Making me believe in things that can’t happen anymore.” She is fighting back tears as she says it to me looking at me with regret over last night. Her next words slay me reminding of what an asshole I was to her. “You hate me or don’t you remember that part? Better how about you wished it was me instead?””
She finally rips the shirt from me and stares at me so much hurt on her face and I run my hands over my head. I remind myself that we have baggage to work through that I did say those things to her callously right after she woke up. I regret those things, she has to know that. I regret every moment away from her the last four years, every hateful thing I said when I was so broken too.
“I was upset she’d just died. What did you want me to do? You don’t think I regret it? I do every day. By the time I got my head back on straight you were gone. Writing me some insane letter about how you wished you never met me.” I finally say looking at her, my voice louder than I know it should be as we stare each other down.
“I certainly didn’t think it meant that while I was in the hospital you’d be out fucking Jessica but you were. I never thought you could hate me that much. You think I don’t regret it that I was the one that was driving? That I was the one that didn’t make her put on her seat belt? I do every night when I relive that moment. When I look at London or you. There are days I wish it were me.” Her voice cracks as she finishes and her right hand reaches to wipe the tears away that are threatening to fall.
“Well I don’t not anymore.” My voice is quiet when I say it looking at her. I want to tell her more say more to her but before I can her phone rings.
“It’s my mom God I should have called her last night.”
I can tell her voice is full of worry and I imagine Sharon may have been worried about her not coming home. I let her take her shirt and walk back to my bedroom to answer it knowing that the conversation has to continue. I hear the door quietly shut behind her and I pull out my phone texting Shane.
We started talking. It’s a start for the record you owe Paige whatever the bet was.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Vanessa
THE DRIVE BACK to the farm between us is filled with awkward tension in the cab for normal people I am pretty sure that is not how the morning after mind blowing great sex is supposed to be. I don’t even know why I started the fight with him at his condo all I can say is that sorting through my feelings is not easy. We had a great night together, no denying that. It’s a reflex for me one my therapist says is part of healing, the survivors guilt that kicks in and I know I unfairly unleashed that on him. I’m more perplexed that he in turn didn’t back down from me and got what he needed off his chest too.
Answering my mother’s call was a cop out and a bad one at that, a way for me to run away from his kindness. A way to attempt to push him away when I stormed to his bedroom to get dressed. I am glad I took the call though and that is why the ride back to the farm has been silent. Something is wrong with Emma’s horse enough that my mom has a call into doc Evans. I see his truck as Jake puts his into park behind it in the driveway. I glance over at him and place my hand on the handle.
“Thanks for the ride home.”
I watch his hand grip the steering wheel and I try to figure out what is going on in his head. I know it is cold when I say it to him a way to dismiss him from my life and my heart all over again. I can’t afford that again for him to take everything and I don’t want to have him resent me in the long run either.
“So that’s it huh? Just like that we get to go back to what pretending to be just friends?” He says with a sadness behind his voice, turning his head his eyes pin me again.
“It was just sex and we agreed-“
“Bullshit I didn’t just fuck you or have sex with you. You and I both know that. I didn’t agree to anything. You’re the one putting words in my mouth. You know what I think? I think you’re scared and that’s okay I get that. But don’t you dare sit there and degrade what happened last night.” There is a pain behind his voice when he speaks and I realize how much I’ve hurt him.
Which leads me to this, the thing I didn’t want to do hurt him. He doesn’t deserve that. Of course I don’t think it was just sex that happened and his words on it feel me with so much guilt over it. My head is all over the place still with everything that has happened. His words turn my stomach into knots and I don’t want him to think that it was more than that for me too. We both know that.
“I didn’t mean for it to come out like that last night was great. More than great, amazing even. I’m just overwhelmed and I don’t know.” I say my voice trailing off as I turn my head to look out the window. I don’t know what else to say to him about it. “I don’t know how to make this work or even if we can.”
I turn my head back to him his eyes are still on me and he nods his head finally removing his hands from the steering wheel. The tension finally leaving his body, he opens the truck door to make his way to my side. He hasn’t said anything about what I just said and maybe this is his way of ending things politely for us before we say or do things that we both regret again. He opens my side door and holds his hand out to me waiting for me to take it. I do, letting his
hand grip mine before he pushes me against the cool metal of the truck and his lips crash down on mine. It gentle at first until he tilts my head back, his fingers trace that scar on the back of my neck and my body wants to freeze it nearly does before he doesn’t stop. I feel my body relax and I let go giving into his touch, his lips on mine, the way he makes me feel. When he pulls back to gently tug the bottom of my lip between his teeth I slowly open my eyes to find him staring at me.
“I don’t know either but the first thing we both have to do is stop assuming what the other wants. Stop making decisions for me Vanessa I know that right now I want to try again. Even if it hurts because I can tell you right now I’d rather hurt with you than not feel anything anymore.”
I take a deep breath at his words, so much baggage between us is there so much mutual pain we inflicted on each other. Words can hurt you, I learned that a long time ago they cut you almost as deep as actions maybe more. They also can settle and make you feel again, make you believe again and that is the scary part about all of this. It shouldn’t be this easy for Jake and I to just pick up again. So much has happened between us. He is right about the decisions I’ve been making them since I came home where he was concerned and that hasn’t been fair to him. My mouth parts to say something only for the clearing of a voice behind us to make my eyes focus in on my sister.
“Sorry mom thought she heard a truck pull in. I didn’t mean too. We both figured you stayed at Jake’s last night-” My sister awkwardly kicks the dirt on the ground before looking away clearly she didn’t mean to walk in on us.
“It’s fine Natalie.” My voice is reassuring when I say it and she nods her head.
“I’ll let mom know you’re here.”
“Thanks, tell her I’ll be in the barn I just need to slip some jeans on.”
My sister nods her head at me before casting a glance between us and walking down the path to the barn. Jake is still looking at me and I can see a slight hint of annoyance on his face at my sister interrupting us. He runs his fingers through my hair for a moment before finally releasing me from the frame of the truck. My hands I realize have stayed on his hips and I look up at him.
