“What took so long? Did you guys get lost?” Eliza asks.
“Nope,” Shannon responds. “Lennon had to kiss Jake Barnes.”
“Wait, what?” Tina gasps, and everyone looks to me. I shoot Shannon a dirty look.
“It was one dare, and I didn’t even do it,” I explain. “Not really.”
“It was amazing,” Shannon interjects. “You guys should have seen Madison’s face.”
I’m saved from having to field any more commentary by Joe stumbling over to us. “Look who it is!” He slings an arm around Andrew’s wiry shoulders. “Our esteemed editor . . . my favorite co-worker,” he nods to Julie, “and our star writer!” He grins at me. “Have you always been this hot, Lennon? Or is it just the vodka?”
Joe is saved from my sharp retort by Tina’s squeal. “You have vodka? I thought they searched everything?”
Joe smirks and shakes his head. “Oh you poor, innocent rule follower. All it takes is a little imagination.”
“That’s something you have?” I question.
Joe grins. “Winters not around to trade insults with, so you’re going after me instead?”
That shuts me up, but not for the reason he thinks. Joe breaks out his liquor collection, which is impressively large considering the administration made a substantial effort to keep us from bringing any on this trip, and that draws quite the crowd. Pretty soon, I find myself in the midst of a lot of inebriated teenagers. Laughter and jokes permeate the still night air tinged with the scent of pine needles and damp moss carpeting the forest floor. There’s a sense of community, of belonging, that I haven’t felt among my peers in a long time. I haven’t acted any differently, I don’t think. Nothing about my past or my popularity status has changed. But I came on this trip. I opened myself up a bit, and I wonder if both Caleb and Cassie were right about me isolating myself. It’s a depressing thought, since we’re now only a few weeks away from graduation. My high school years are about to end, and I don’t feel like I have much to show for them.
“I’m going to head back to the cabin,” I tell Shannon, who’s sitting on the rock beside me.
“Okay,” she replies. “Do you want me to walk back with you?”
I’m touched by the offer, but shake my head. “No, it’s fine. I remember the way.”
“All right. Don’t fall in the lake,” Shannon teases.
I roll my eyes as I stand up and retreat from the cozy gathering. The glow of the campfire is easy to see from a distance, dotted with silhouettes. There are fewer than before, but at least ten. When I draw closer, I realize Caleb is one of them.
I have about twenty feet to decide if I’m going to say anything when I pass by. Yes or no? Do or don’t? My impulses regarding Caleb Winters have always been warped. Amplified. I took comments I wouldn’t have thought twice about from anyone else like a personal attack. I kissed him. And right now, I’m stuck with an uncomfortable, heavy lump in my stomach that makes me feel like this morning I messed up. That Caleb’s reaction may have said a lot more than his words did.
Arrogant, infuriating, privileged jock or not, he’s become somewhat of a friend ever since his grandfather’s funeral. Certainly not the villain I viewed him as before.
So, I stop.
“Can I talk to you?” I address Caleb. My voice is clear. Confident. Impossible to ignore.
At first, he doesn’t say anything. Finally, he turns his head to look at me. “I’m in the middle of something,” he answers. Like me, his tone says more than his words. His voice drips like bored honey. Indifferent. With a clear undercurrent of warning.
“Fine,” I start, and he turns his head back towards the fire. “We can talk here. I—”
With lightning-fast reflexes I’m not expecting, Caleb stands and yanks my hand, hauling me away. He obviously isn’t interested in an audience this time. Noted.
We don’t get very far, though.
“Hey! You two. Stop!” I turn to see Mr. Tanner, of all people, chasing after us, clearly on chaperone duty. An ineffective one, if the thirty kids drinking a couple hundred feet away are any indication. He comes to a panting stop in front of us. “Ms. Matthews. Mr. Winters. This is a surprise.” Mr. Tanner looks between us, and then down to our clasped hands.
My cheeks burn, because I know what assumptions he’s probably making right now. “I just need to talk to Caleb for five minutes,” I blurt. I emphasize the “talk.”
“Is it related to your English project?” Mr. Tanner questions. I almost, almost think I see a glimmer of a smile in his normally dour expression.
“Tangentially,” I respond. As in, I wouldn’t need to talk to Caleb if not for that project. The bane of my existence and the best part of my senior year.
“Fine. Five minutes,” Mr. Tanner allows.
I’m startled by his agreement, but I don’t hesitate to take advantage of it. “Thank you!” I tell him as I pull Caleb towards the woods.
“What do you want to talk about?” Caleb asks flatly when I stop about fifty feet later, just on the periphery of the forest.
“I need—want—to explain,” I reply quickly. Mr. Tanner probably started a timer.
“You’re not just bored?” Some satire leaks into his voice.
“I’m sorry I said that,” I tell him. “I was just trying to make things easier.”
“Easier for who?” Caleb shoots back.
“Both of us. I never expected to care where you end up next fall. I doubt you did either.” Caleb doesn’t say anything, so I keep talking. “Look, there are a couple of things I didn’t get a chance to say earlier. One, nothing you said isn’t anything I haven’t already told myself dozens of times, okay? And two . . . ” I heave out a long sigh. “It’s not just the money or the amount of work. Gramps is forgetful. I don’t know if it’s just . . . age, or something else. And—whatever it is—I can’t leave him alone. I’m not trying to make you less mad, or feel sorry for me, or anything,” I add hastily. “I just want you to know that I did think this through, and there are a lot of different factors, and unfortunately it’s just . . . it’s just how things are. Annoyingly, I now apparently care what you think, and I just felt like I needed to explain.” I try to keep the words light, with a touch of sarcasm, but there’s an honesty that seeps through, too.
Caleb rakes a hand through his short hair. The strands are barely long enough to make the effort worthwhile. “What the hell am I supposed to say to that, Lennon? It’s not that I—I just—I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought.”
“You don’t have to think anything,” I tell him. “I just wanted to . . . explain.” Caleb doesn’t say anything. I swallow rapidly. Twice. “We can still, uh, you’ll be around all summer, right?” I don’t even know what I’m offering, or trying to say, but despite what I told him earlier I don’t want us to go back to being antagonists. Or become nothing at all.
“I’m spending the summer in Georgia,” Caleb states unemotionally. “At a baseball camp there. I leave the day after graduation.”
I should congratulate him, but instead I accuse. “You didn’t tell me.” That chips away at some of the impassivity, but doesn’t reveal any pleasant emotions.
“I just found out I got in. Why do you even care? Worried you’ll have a bout of lust after I leave?” Caleb mocks.
I glare at him. “You should hav—”
“Matthews! Winters!” Mr. Tanner’s deep baritone pierces the night air like a bullhorn. “Time’s up!” In more ways than one, evidently.
I turn to head back for the cabins, but the grab of a hand on my forearm stops me. “We’ll be right there, Mr. Tanner,” Caleb calls back.
There’s barely any light that’s crept all the way to the perimeter of the campground, but there’s just enough for me to see the same jaw muscle that kept me from actually kissing Jake pulsate a couple of times. He’s trying to decide something. “You know I’m in love with you, right?” Caleb asks me.
There are some moments in life when you have
a premonition something epochal is about to happen. You can prepare for it. Maybe savor it. Take note of all those subtle details your brain might otherwise skip past like the grooves on a scratched record.
This is not one of those moments. I’m stunned. Flabbergasted. Nonplussed.
I freeze the second he says the words, but I don’t let them sink in. I can’t let them. “No, you’re not,” I choke out. I thought I just climbed off the carousel, but it’s suddenly started spinning again, faster than before.
A single, dry laugh slips through Caleb’s terse lips. “Right. Yeah. Of course you would know how I feel better than I would.”
“I don’t—it’s not—we’re too different, Caleb,” I stutter. I’m still spinning.
“I feel like there’s some saying about that. Oh yeah, that opposites attract?”
I sigh, letting the air escape slowly, like I’m a deflating balloon. “We’re different in bigger ways than our personalities. Insurmountable ways. In ‘I’m staying here, you’re leaving’ ways. I don’t have the time or the energy to be in a long-distance relationship.”
Caleb opens his mouth to speak.
“I don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship.”
I told Caleb my mom was selfish earlier, and maybe we are more alike than I ever realized. Because that’s exactly what I’m being right now. Without asking permission, my heart got way more invested in Caleb Winters than it had any right to. If I said those same words he just told me back, I think I would mean them. But letting him in? Letting myself rely on the phrase he just uttered? Letting myself love him and then remaining in a town filled with reminders of him while he goes off to see all the wider world offers? I can’t do it.
Caleb’s mouth snaps shut, and I hate the hurt I can see swimming in those blue depths. But he’s leaving. Moving on from this town. Moving on from me. Off to a fancy baseball camp. To an elite university to meet new people with backgrounds as privileged as his.
I’m just the girl he bickers with constantly and occasionally kisses.
He’s about to leave me behind, and I’d rather walk away first.
Although Caleb’s the one who spins and strides back towards the cabins before I have the chance to.
EIGHTEEN
__________________________________
When I wake up in my sleeping bag the following morning, I’m disappointed. I was hoping the past day and a half were some sort of dream, and the sloped eaves of my childhood bedroom would be there waiting to greet me when I open my eyes. But no, it’s the rough boards of the cabin’s roof that I’m staring at instead.
Considering the fact I woke up wanting to flee, I’m surprised by how much I enjoy the day. The chaperones seem too worn out from yesterday’s activities to plan anything constructive for today, so it’s essentially a free-for-all. Almost everyone ends up on the lakeshore, including me. I perch on a rock situated between two massive pines and sunbathe while reading. Shannon joins me for a bit, but everyone else leaves me alone. It’s the first full day in a long time where I haven’t had to do anything, and it’s nice. Really nice. There’s no schoolwork, no farm chores, no responsibilities.
Just the pit in my stomach while I surreptitiously watch Caleb playing football on the thin stretch of sand with his friends. After our canoe ride, I didn’t think it was possible for things to get any more tenuous between us. I was wrong. My attempt at an apology and Caleb’s curveball of a comment may have put us in a worse place than me kissing Jake would have.
After dinner, I wander out to the campfire. Along with daytime activities, the attempt at evening entertainment seems to have also ceased for the final night here.
Unlike last night, the split logs surrounding the stone circle are all empty, and I take advantage of the space to stretch out along the length of one and stare up at the stars. Someone has already built a fire, and it provides some warmth and a comforting crackling sound.
I hear the sound of approaching footfalls, but I don’t sit up. “Want to make another bet?” a voice I recognize as belonging to Colt Adams asks.
“No.”
There’s a soft chuckle. “Well, I’m betting you know why Winters has been in such a shitty mood all day.” I make a point not to react and just keep tracing patterns in the stars overhead. I definitely don’t betray the surprise his words elicits. Caleb has looked perfectly carefree all day. Joking and laughing with his friends. “And that you’re not going to tell me anything,” Colt adds.
I still don’t look at him. “Maybe I’d be more inclined to play if you hadn’t set up a lose-lose scenario for me. Either I tell you what you want to know, or you win. Hardly an enticing offer.”
Colt laughs. “Fair. Want any?”
I finally sit up, and see he’s offering a water bottle filled with something I’m certain is less innocent than aqua.
“Sure.” I surprise us both by accepting. Colt hands me the bottle, and I take a swig of what is most definitely not water. Except I take a long gulp like it is.
Eyes watering, throat burning, I hand the bottle back to Colt. “What is that?” I choke out. I’ve never liked the taste of beer, but at least it’s never made me feel like this.
He grins. “Bourbon. Kentucky’s finest.”
I don’t answer, too preoccupied by the fire that’s simmering in my esophagus as the alcohol works its way through my body.
“Seriously, Adams?” Luke appears, a heavy frown on his face.
“What?” Colt replies innocently, although I know he’s perfectly aware of the reason there’s disapproval in Luke’s voice. They’re obviously not supposed to be socializing with me. Or sharing fancy liquor.
“Isn’t this cozy?” Madison asks, stepping into the campfire’s periphery. She’s changed since earlier, just like me. Only aside from donning leggings, like I am sporting, she’s wearing a pair of jeans that look like they’re painted on and a suede jacket that would be more appropriate to wear to a club than a campfire.
“It was until you showed up,” I comment.
There’s a cat sound to my left, and I see Jake is walking over towards us. Fan-fucking-tastic.
“Then why don’t you leave?” Madison asks, emphasizing the last word with her signature hair toss.
Now that Caleb’s three best friends are all here, I have every intention of doing just that. But saying I’m still processing the effects of the generous swig of whiskey I just took isn’t exactly the wittiest response. And I definitely don’t want Madison to think she scared me off. “I’m good,” I reply.
“Don’t you have some friends you could go bore?” Madison retorts.
“Don’t you? Or did your minions finally get sick of being belittled?” I’ve never really understood the dynamics among Landry High’s popular crowd, but I belatedly realize Colt, Jake, and Luke probably all consider Madison a friend. At least, they’re all part of the same social circle. But none of them say anything to defend her.
Jake does intercede, though. “Ladies, no need to fight over us. There’s three of us and only two of you.”
I scoff before laying back down on the log. Maybe that will keep me from feeling like I might vomit.
I recognize a few more voices as they join our circle. Poppy and some of Madison’s other followers. Ryan James, who is thankfully busy flirting with Poppy and doesn’t bother me. Then Will, which is a surprise. He’s the first newcomer to address me.
“Uh, Lennon, are you all right?”
I suppose me appearing to be passed out on a log would appear a bit concerning to an outside observer. Nice of Will to notice.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I reply, moving to a sitting position. “Just doing some stargazing.” My stomach has finally begun to settle, and the burning has abated, leaving behind a pleasant buzzing warmth that reminds me an awful lot of the way I feel when Caleb touches me.
“Really?” Will looks amused. “I had no idea you were an astronomer.”
“Cosmologist, actually,” I correct. “I’m
actually going to head—”
Fuck. Shit. Crap. All the profanities.
Caleb walks between two of the logs, on the opposite side of the campfire. I was distracted talking to Will, and I missed his approach. Damn Colt. And damn his bourbon.
Caleb’s face is impassive, but he’s exuding an annoyance that doesn’t have any trouble making its way through the flickering flames to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m talking to another guy, or if it’s because I’m among a group that’s mainly comprised of his friends. I’m sure the way we ended our last conversation is also playing a part.
It’s a clear warning. I should heed it. But, in what’s become a trend I should probably put a stop to, I don’t do what I should. His friends or not, I was here first.
I look back at Will to find he’s studying me with a bittersweet smile. I’m pretty sure he realizes who just stole my attention for the last thirty seconds, and why. I might be giving Caleb a run for his heartbreaker title, and it’s a terrible feeling.
I scramble to find some new topic of conversation. “Uh, so is basketball still going?”
Will gives me an indulgent grin. “No. It ended about two months ago.”
“Oh.”
“Okay, I’ll go first!” Madison’s voice is obnoxiously loud, obviously meant to draw attention from everyone gathered around the campfire. Which is quite a lot of people, all of a sudden. I spot Shannon, Julie, Marcus, and several others from the group I was with last night.
Madison’s overly enthusiastic tone has its intended effect. Side conversations pause as everyone looks at her. “Time for Truth or Dare,” she announces.
Everyone’s quieted, so my scoff echoes loud and clear. Madison’s eyes narrow in on me. “Truth or dare, Lennon?”
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