by Natalie Ward
I wander over to take a closer look at the photos she has up on the walls again. I see pictures of her and what must be her brother, they look so much alike. There’s another girl with them sometimes, and I’m guessing that’s her brother’s girlfriend. There are also photos of Ash and her brother and what must be their dad, none of their mom though and I can’t help but wonder where she is. And of course, there is the obvious photo. In fact there are more of them than anything else. Photos of Ash and what, I’m guessing, were the boyfriend. As I look at them all, I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. Not because this guy has his arm wrapped around her or is kissing her cheek or staring at her as though he’s totally in love with her. I’m jealous because of how Asha looks in all of these photos. How incredibly happy she is and how different it is to now. How obvious it is that this guy made her this happy.
I want to be able to make her smile like that. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, ever since I met her and although she’s started doing it, I realise now I’m not seeing her real smile, not even close to it. I’ve never seen the version of Ash who is up on these walls, immortalised with all of the people she clearly loves and who loved her in return. I’ve only seen a shadow of that woman and I’m wondering whether I will ever get to see her as these people did.
And that’s what makes me jealous.
But at the same time, determined. Determined to make her smile like that again.
Track 8 (A side) - Just Breathe
You are the only thing I need
Watching you now, I’m trying not to grieve
At all that I nearly lost, at what I cannot let go
For you, I know
I need to breathe / Just breathe
∞
“Happy to be home?” I ask, helping Ash as she sits down on our bed.
“Definitely,” she breathes out and I can tell she’s exhausted already. We’ve only been home from the hospital for fifteen minutes, but already she needs to stop and rest.
“Maybe you should just go to bed?” I suggest, crouching at her feet and pulling her shoes and socks off.
She smiles down at me. “In a while,” she says. “I just want to take a shower, maybe try and talk to Mia for a bit.”
I reach up and lift her sweater over her head. “Talk to her about what?” Ash’s smiling face is looking back at me as I pull it off and she leans in to kiss me, wincing a little as she does. “Take it easy, beautiful, please,” I whisper, my heart breaking at the idea she is still in pain.
“I’m okay, Luke,” she says, her hand brushing over my head. “But I do want to find out what’s going on between those two,” she says, jerking her thumb towards the door. “I’m pretty sure things are happening between them again.”
I smile as I stand up, holding my hands out so I can pull her up off the bed. “Fuck, let’s hope so. They’re a sad ass pair when they aren’t together.”
Ash wriggles out of her sweats until she’s left standing in nothing but her underwear. Well, that and the giant bandage that still covers her wound. I don’t want to look underneath it, can barely stand the thought of it being there, never mind getting the visual. “You need to keep that dry,” I say, gesturing towards it.
Ash glances down. “Yeah I will, don’t worry.”
She walks towards our bathroom now, pulling off her underwear as she goes. I follow her, but I’m not getting in with her, not this time. I’m only here to make sure she’s okay. I can’t even think about Ash and I being naked together right now. Not gonna happen.
“Mia seemed to think she’d fucked things up between them,” she suddenly says. “I was talking to her a week ago, while you guys were at practice. You know, before all this happened,” she adds, gesturing at the bandage as though her getting shot and nearly dying is no big deal. “She didn’t seem to think she could fix whatever it was that she’d done.”
I crank up the water, getting it nice and warm for her, before holding her hand as she steps into the shower stall. “I have no idea what happened between them,” I say. “Neither of them ever told me, and they’ve never wanted to talk about it.”
“It’s strange huh,” she says, angling herself so her bandage doesn’t get wet. “I wonder what the hell happened?” As Ash leans back under the water, wetting her hair, it becomes obvious I really am going to have to get in there and help her. There’s no way she can wash her hair and keep her bandage dry.
“Hold up, beautiful,” I say, pulling my clothes off. “Let me help you with that.”
She smiles as I climb under the water with her. “Thank you.”
We eventually head out to the living room, where Jared is sitting on the couch drinking a beer and watching TV. Mia’s voice comes from his bedroom and I’m guessing she’s on the phone. I pull Ash down into my lap as Jared asks her how she’s feeling. I watch as she gives the same reply of okay, before asking him about Mia. He half smiles back at her and says, “Yeah we’ve talked… a lot.”
I glance over at him and while I can see a sense of relief, I get the feeling there’s more to the story here. But Jared turns back to the TV and I wrap my arms around Ash, holding her close. Just as I expected, within minutes she’s asleep.
“You okay?” Jared eventually asks, his voice a whisper.
My cheek is resting on Ash’s head, her hair still wet from the shower. I can’t seem to stop touching her, almost as if I have to prove to myself she’s real. “Better than I was,” I finally say, not lifting my head.
Jared exhales. “She’s gonna be okay you know, she’s a tough girl and she’s through the worst of it now.”
Yeah, I know she is. I know deep down that she’s going to be okay and I know more than anything, I have to be okay as well. For her, I have to get my shit together. The only problem is, I have no fucking idea how to do that. Memories of that night continue to play over and over again in my head. I can’t even remember the last time I had a full night’s sleep. The four nights we spent in the hospital were all either interrupted by machine noises, voices, or my own worry at moving too much and hurting Ash. I’m so fucking tired right now, but somehow I feel like sleep is still a long way off.
“Yeah I know,” I eventually say, glancing at Jared. “I just don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost her, you know.” I have no idea why I’m even thinking about this now, let alone saying it out loud. “I just don’t know how I could have survived that, how I could possibly have gone on without her…” I trail off, knowing I’m going to lose it if I keep talking about this. It’s one thing to have these thoughts running through my own head, but to give them a voice, to actually say them out loud; it’s like admitting my biggest fear in the world. And I just don’t want to do that, don’t want to think about the possibility that it could possibly be true.
Jared’s hand is on my shoulder. “Yeah I know, Luke,” he says, his voice sincere. “But you didn’t lose her and you need to remember that. Don’t dwell on the bad shit, because it will eat you up, destroy you.” He stops as I glance up at him again, wondering if he can possibly see every fucking thing that’s running through my head right now. “You remember what Mia was like after she saw you,” he says quietly, and I know what he’s getting at. That Mia isn’t the only person he’s talking about here. “Don’t let that happen to you too.”
I feel my head fall to gently rest on the top of Ash’s as my eyes close. So many memories are running through my brain. Waking up at Jared’s house to my sister’s tears, watching Asha step in front of me to take that bullet, the force of my dad’s fist as it hit my face, Ash’s body covered in blood in my arms. So many fucking memories, nightmares actually, and I just want to get rid of all of them. I need them out of my head, before it explodes and I completely lose my shit.
My eyes are still closed as I start talking, thanking Jared for everything he has done for my sister. I want to thank him for everything he has done for me too, but for some reason, I just can’t do that. I can’t admit how fucking hopeless I’
m feeling right now. I don’t want to admit it and I definitely don’t want to talk about it. Thanking him for being there for Mia is about all I’ve got right now.
“It was nothing,” he mumbles and my eyes open, knowing that’s the biggest fucking understatement of all time.
“It wasn’t nothing, dude, you know that,” I tell him, knowing it was so much more. It was more than anyone has ever done for me. Jared just shrugs at me now and I can tell there’s more going on here. “So you two have sorted all your shit out, right?” I ask.
“Yeah…” he says, trailing off.
“But?”
Jared meets my stare as he says, “You should talk to your sister, Luke, just talk to her.”
And with that, I realise, I really have no idea what the fuck is going on here at all. Evidently there’s more to Jared and Mia than either of them is letting on, but right now, I just can’t deal with it. They are both okay, they are safe and from what I can tell, they’re also back together. I should ask him about it, but I don’t. Maybe it’s selfish of me but I just don’t have the energy for it. I’m too fucking exhausted.
I exhale loudly. “I’m gonna take Ash to bed,” I say to Jared. “Talk tomorrow?” I ask. He nods as I slide my arms underneath her body. “Come here, beautiful girl,” I whisper as I stand and carry her to our bedroom.
Ash doesn’t wake as I lay her on the bed and pull the covers over her. I slide in next to her and press a kiss to her cheek, whispering, “Good night, beautiful girl.”
Then breathing a sigh of relief that she is here, with me, safe and at home, I wrap my arm around her and finally close my eyes, hoping for sleep.
Ash grabs my hand as we head towards the back door. I smile down at her, and she wraps her other hand around my arm pulling me against her body. I pull her in for a kiss as her arms wrap around my waist and she sinks into me. God, I wish we were home already.
Suddenly, something feels wrong. I see a man. He has a gun in his hand and a smile on his face. My heart stops in my chest as I put my hand out, as if I’m trying to stop him. As if I have any fucking chance. I hear laughter and then the gun is pressed against Asha’s forehead.
NO!
I try to scream, but there’s no sound. I step towards him, trying to push him out of the way, but he doesn’t move. I turn and see Ash staring back at the guy, a calm look on her face as though she’s expecting this. I grab her hand and try to pull her towards me, but nothing happens, she won’t move. It’s like I’m not even here, nothing I do makes any difference. My heart is racing, pounding in my chest. Why can’t I reach her, how does she not notice me?
I try to scream again, but this time not only is there no sound, I can’t even open my mouth. I can feel myself being pulled away and when I reach for Ash, she isn’t next to me. She is far away, out of my reach. It’s getting hard to breathe and my heart now feels like it’s going to break through my ribs.
Suddenly, there’s a loud crack that practically deafens me. And then I am hit with a force so hard it…
“…Fuck…” I breathe out, my eyes flying open as I bolt upright in bed.
I glance quickly to my left, see Ash is still sleeping beside me. When I reach out to touch her, I see my hand is shaking so badly I pull back, not wanting to risk waking her. I clench my hands into fists in front of me, desperately trying to calm down as I close my eyes, shaking my head to clear the last pieces of my nightmare.
Fucking hell.
I’ve never felt more helpless in my life, like I did just then. That was almost worse than the real life version, because in my nightmare, there was absolutely nothing I could do to save her. It was like I was watching it all unfold on TV or something and I was powerless to stop it. It was awful, fucking awful.
I glance at my phone and see it’s a little after three in the morning. I’ve only been asleep for three hours, but right now my heart is racing so hard, I can’t even think about going back to sleep. Not that I want to anyway. I have absolutely no desire to live through that moment ever again.
I prop my pillow up behind me and sit back against the headboard; my fingers finally still enough that I can run them gently over Ash’s hair. She doesn’t stir and the only sound I can hear is her soft, steady breathing.
She’s okay. She’s going to be okay.
I have to keep telling myself this. Have to convince my brain that I didn’t lose her that night and I’m not going to lose her now. I don’t want to even think about the fact that I might be on the verge of losing my mind though, that’s the last fucking thing I need. I just need to be okay for her, I tell myself, sinking back against my pillow as I grab my phone and start surfing the net to give me something to do. I really don’t want to go back to sleep and see that all over again. No way.
By the time Ash wakes up, I’ve been awake for five hours. I watch as she slowly opens her eyes, her hand reaching out for mine. I smile as I lean down to press a kiss to her cheek. She won’t question me being awake, because I’m always awake before her. It’s the first time I’m actually grateful for the fact that I’m an early riser.
“Hey, beautiful,” I say, sliding my fingers into hers. “Sleep okay?”
“Hmm,” she says, her eyes closing briefly as though she’s thinking about whether she wants to go back to sleep. I don’t say anything, knowing she should sleep as much as she wants to, she needs it. But then her eyes open again as though she’s decided she’s awake. She looks up at me smiling as she asks, “Want some coffee?”
I smile, pulling her hand to my mouth, where I press a kiss against it. “I’ll get it,” I say, sliding out of bed. “You stay here, rest.” There’s a good chance she’ll fall back to sleep before I come back, but at least the coffee will stop me from falling asleep again. That, I definitely need.
Coffee takes me longer than I anticipated, and when I eventually walk back into our room, I’m surprised to see Ash is still awake. She glances up at me, smiling. “You okay?” she asks.
“Ah, not sure,” I say, handing her a cup of coffee before setting mine down on the side table and sliding back into bed with her. “I’ve just had the weirdest conversation ever.”
“With who?” she asks, blowing on her drink. “Jared or Mia?”
I half smile, my hand rubbing over my face. “Both actually.”
“About what?” she asks, taking a sip of coffee before she puts her cup on the side table. “They are back together right?”
I turn and look at her, smiling as I smooth the hair back from her face. She looks good, well-rested, and I know it’s because she actually managed to sleep last night. Unlike me. In the end, I spent most of it awake and watching her. Well, that and writing song lyrics. It was the only thing that kept me from drifting off again after I woke up from that fucking nightmare. But she doesn’t need to worry about that part. Ash just needs to focus on getting better.
“Luke?” she asks, reaching for my hand again.
I smile. “Yeah it would seem they are…”
“But?” she asks and I know she can see from my face that there’s more to the story.
I exhale, sliding further down the bed. “But, I just learned the full story, the real reason behind their break up.”
“And?” she asks, squeezing my fingers as she slides closer, trying to hide the wince as she does.
I wrap an arm around her shoulder and tuck her against me. “And I’ll give you one guess as to who had a role to play in it all.”
Ash glances up at me, a confused expression on her face as though she has no idea what I’m talking about. “Who?”
I press a kiss against her forehead. “My fucking father,” I say, wondering if this man will ever stop fucking up our lives.
“What, I don’t get it,” Ash asks, and I know I need to tell her the full story. After I’ve filled her in on everything that happened to Mia a year ago and the real reasons she broke up with Jared, Ash’s eyes are closed and she is leaning against my chest. I think for a second she’s fallen back
to sleep, but then she speaks.
“This is total bullshit,” she says, sitting up now.
“What?” I ask. “What happened with them?” She’s absolutely right. “Of course it’s bullshit, but when it comes to my father, most things are,” I say.
“Yeah,” she says, turning to face me. She has a fire in her eyes, and it makes her look fierce and alive. “That’s bullshit yes, and this,” she says, gesturing to her stomach, “is bullshit. But most of all.” Her hand rubs over the top of my head and down my cheek, her fingers tracing my scar. “This is bullshit, Luke. Something needs to happen here.”
“What do you mean?” I ask her. “What the hell can we do?”
“We,” she says smiling at me, “are going to have everyone over, so we can celebrate.”
“Celebrate?” I ask her, even more confused. “What the hell do we have to celebrate?”
“Oh my God!” she says, throwing her hands up in the air in a way that actually makes me smile. “The record deal, moving to L.A. Come on, Luke, that’s definitely worthy of celebration. As is Mia and Jared being back together and…”
“And what?” I ask, watching as Ash turns away now, staring at the guitar picks I made her and which she strung up in the window when she moved in. “Asha?” I ask, reaching out and turning her back to face me.
“And, the fact that you and I are both still here,” she says quietly, her eyes on mine.
I smile sadly at her as I remember just how fucking close I came to losing her. “That, beautiful girl,” I whisper, leaning in to kiss her now. “Is definitely something worth celebrating.”
“And L.A.,” she says against my lips.
“Mmmm,” I murmur, kissing her again.
“What, please don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts about going?” she asks, pulling away from me. I shrug, not exactly sure how to explain this to her in a way that means she won’t get pissed at me. “Why don’t you want to go, Luke?” she asks again, not letting me get out of answering this. “This is a fantastic opportunity, such a big thing for you guys, you really should go.”
