by Natalie Ward
Ash’s hand runs over the top of my head. “You think maybe this is because you went and saw him today?”
I exhale. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“What else happened when you saw him, did he say anything else?”
Fuck, I totally forgot to tell her; how the fuck did I forget that? I know I wanted to forget everything that was said the minute I walked out the door. But I think also, a part of me doesn’t want to bring any more death into her life. God knows Asha has been through way too much of that already. But I need to, because she asked me to and because I need to tell Mia too. Although there’s a good chance Jared’s already done that for me.
“Yeah,” I say, turning to face her. Ash looks at me with so much love and concern it breaks my heart to say these words to her. “He told me he has cancer, and that he’s dying. That’s why he wants me to forgive him. I’m guessing that’s why he tried to apologise.”
I feel her body tense in my arms and I tighten them, bringing her closer to me. Ash resists, staring at my face. “I’m so sorry, Luke.”
“It’s okay, really,” I say to her. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier. I guess I didn’t want to, you know…” I don’t even want to say the words.
Ash frowns at me as though she knows exactly what I’m not saying. “How do you feel about this?” she asks instead, choosing to drop it.
I take another deep breath, my fingers running slowly up and down her spine as I try to work out how I do feel. “I don’t know,” I answer truthfully. “I really don’t know how I feel.”
“Maybe that’s why you had the nightmare then,” she says quietly. “You’re trying to work that out.”
My fingers brush the hair back from her face as she keeps looking at me. There is sadness in her eyes and I wonder if she’s remembering back to her own father dying. “Did you use to dream about that?” I ask, my voice low as I ask the question that could bring it all back for her.
“What? How I felt about people dying?” she asks.
“About your dad, your family, yeah. Sam too, I guess?”
Now it’s Ash taking a deep breath. My fingers keep moving up and down her spine, willing her to talk to me. We haven’t spoken about this for a while now. Not since that night I got burned and she ran away from me. Even after she got shot, we didn’t talk much about it. Ash was more focused on getting me to forget what happened and I was more focused on getting her better. Obviously she was the stronger one back then, now too actually. Stronger than ever, and it’s so obvious when you see her. I can see how hard she’s working to let it all go and move on, and it shows every day in the way she laughs, the way she lives, and the way she loves. She’s different now, so different, and in a really good way. But I have no idea what talking about any of this will do to her. The last thing I want is to bring up all of these bad memories for her again.
“I used to dream about all of them,” she eventually says. “Dreams and nightmares, although most of the nightmares were about Sam and what happened to him.”
I want to ask her about them, but I don’t want to at the same time. I’ve never pushed her for information on him, even though he was clearly a huge part of her life. Someone she loved very much and someone who loved her in return. It’s not that I’m jealous or anything, far from it. How could I be, he was a part of her life and because of that, he’s a part of who she is today. She’s told me about him though, including what happened to him, the fucking awful shit that happened that day. I can’t even begin to imagine waking up to that, can’t imagine what that must have been like for her. Seeing how she was weeks afterwards was bad enough, and that’s why I don’t ask. Because I just don’t want her to feel or think about that nightmare, ever again.
“I even dreamed about you meeting my dad once,” she says, smiling a little.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, grateful she’s changed the subject. “And how’d that go?”
Ash laughs now. “Really great,” she says, brushing her fingers across my cheek. “You were sitting in my kitchen drinking coffee with him and laughing as though you’d known each other forever.”
I stare up at her. “When did this happen?” I ask, wondering if this was another turning point in our relationship that I wasn’t aware of.
Ash smiles again. “Remember that morning I showed up at your apartment with coffee and asked you to breakfast?”
Now it’s my turn to smile. Do I ever remember that morning. Fuck, she has no idea how much I wanted to just drag her into my bed after I opened the front door and found her standing there. I don’t know how the hell I managed to stop myself.
“Um, yeah,” I say, laughing. “I sure do, beautiful girl, I sure do.”
“Well, it was just after I’d had that dream,” she says, leaning in to kiss me. “I didn’t know if it was a sign or what, but when I woke up that morning, all I could think about was you. And even though I knew what day it was and that I was going to go and see him, I wanted you to come with me. I just wanted you with me that day.”
My eyes close briefly as I once again wish I could have taken the pain she felt that day, away for her. That I could somehow bring her dad back; bring back this man who I know meant the world to Ash. “I really wish I could have met your dad, Asha.”
Ash leans in to kiss me again, as though she is comforting me when really, it should be the other way around. “I wish you could have met him too, he would have loved you, you know.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she says, leaning in to press another kiss to my lips. I slide my hand into her hair, holding her against me as I deepen the kiss. I feel her fingers tighten against my chest, digging into my skin. My heart starts racing again, but for entirely different reasons now. I can feel the last of the confusion and fear I was feeling a few minutes ago slip away as I get lost in her kisses and the memory of the day she showed up at my front door to take me to breakfast.
Track 25 (B side) - Unexpected Surprise
Can remember the day, you showed up at my door
An unexpected surprise, but I wanted more
You were always so brave, so utterly perfect
Always proving to me, just how much you are worth it
∞
I’m walking into my room when I hear a knock at the front door. It’s hesitant, as though the person on the other side isn’t sure they’ve got the right place or maybe they shouldn’t be here. I dump the cup of coffee I’ve just made on the table beside my bed and glance at the clock. It’s a little after eight. I’ve no idea who it could be, Jared isn’t home and it’s too early for anyone else. Another possibility crosses my mind, but I ignore it, not wanting to go down that path again. Instead, I grab a t-shirt off the floor, pulling it over my head as I walk back out to the living room.
And when I open the front door, I swear, I nearly have a fucking heart attack.
Ash is here. She’s standing on the other side, holding two cups of coffee and looking as nervous as hell. I’m half afraid she’s going to turn around and bolt before she even says anything. I’ve got no idea what she’s doing here, but I don’t really care. I want her to be here, I want her to come inside and never leave.
“Hey,” I eventually say, smiling at her.
She doesn’t say anything, just stands there staring at me. Her hands are wrapped tightly around the coffees, which have got to be hot, but she doesn’t seem to notice. If anything, she looks as though she’s trying to work out what the hell she’s doing here too.
Don’t run Asha.
She finally takes a deep breath, before she holds out a cup and says, “Hey, coffee?”
I keep smiling at her, not knowing if I’m freaking her the hell out or what. I want to drag her inside, pull her into my bedroom and my bed. But I can’t and I don’t.
You could open the fucking door and invite her in, you moron.
“Thanks,” I say, as I take the coffee she offers me. “You wanna come in?”
She doesn’t move, just blinks at
me as though she has no idea what I just said to her. “Ah, well, I’m actually here to see if I can buy you breakfast? I feel like I owe you a meal, or probably several really.”
I can’t help but laugh. “What?”
Ash runs her hand through her hair, her eyes on the ceiling as though she’s thinking about what to say. I’m thinking about how much I’d like to run my hands through her hair. How much I’d like to pull her into my arms, bury my fingers in her hair and kiss her.
“Luke,” she finally says, interrupting my fantasy. She looks at me, blinks once, takes a deep breath and says, “I feel like I’ve been a bit of a basket case ever since I met you.” I must look as though I don’t understand, because she adds on, “You know…your house warming, work, my birthday.”
I watch as she counts these off on her fingers, like she’s made a list in her head. I can’t help but smile. She’s so fucking adorable.
“Plus you took me to see your friend’s band, the cupcakes, the movies, the food,” she continues, still counting. “I figure breakfast is the least I can do.”
I’m trying really hard not to laugh at how goddamn adorable she is right now. I don’t want to scare her off, especially after she’s shown up here uninvited and unannounced. So without thinking anymore, I reach out and grab her arm, pulling her inside before she can escape. “No need, Ash, I promise it’s all good.”
I close the door behind her, but don’t let go of her arm. I can feel the heat of her body, even through the sweater she’s wearing, but it’s the jolt of electricity that’s shooting up my arm that really gets me. Ash looks up at me and I can see her nervousness has gone, replaced with something else now. Something a lot more intriguing, something I’d like to find out more about. But then she blinks, as though clearing her head, and I force myself to let go, turning and walking into the living room before I do something really stupid.
“Well, how about I would feel better if I took you out for breakfast,” she suggests as I turn to face her.
She’s staring at me again, watching as I lift the coffee she’s bought me to my mouth and take a sip. I’m staring back at her, trying to get some words out, but the way she’s looking at me right now has me completely fucking tongue-tied. She’s not nervous at all anymore and whatever it is she’s thinking and feeling, it’s totally turning me on. Suddenly her eyes drift downwards and I watch as she swallows hard. What the hell is she thinking?
As her eyes lift to mine again, I smile, trying to clear my own head and make sense of what’s actually going on here. “Well, if you insist,” I say, trying to keep it light. “Then how can I possibly say no?”
She blinks, words rushing out of her mouth. “Well, only if you don’t have other plans. If you do, then of course another day is fine.”
I’m shaking my head immediately. “No plans, Ash,” I say, smiling at her. “Just give me a sec to have a shower though?”
Or you could come and have one with me.
She’s still staring at me and it’s getting harder and harder not to say exactly what I’m thinking out loud to her. Would she say yes if I asked, or would she turn around and run?
“Sure,” she finally says, her voice quiet and for a second, I can’t work out if I did just say it out loud.
Ash walks slowly towards the couch though, so I smile at her again and walk into my room to take that shower. Given the little fantasy that was just playing out in my head, I’m thinking right now, making it a cold shower isn’t such a bad idea. I don’t shut the door, mostly because I’m afraid she’s going to disappear if I do. Jared isn’t home, but I’m not taking any chances with this. I don’t know what’s inspired her to come over like this, but I’m not wasting this opportunity.
I grab some clothes and head into my bathroom, taking the quickest and coldest shower I possibly can. She’s not coming in to join me; no matter how much I’d like that little fantasy to play out. As I get dressed, I finish off the coffee she’s bought me, ignoring the one I just made for myself, before walking out to the living room. Ash is sitting on the couch, pretending to read a guitar catalogue and I have to bite my lip just to stop myself from laughing. Fuck me, I don’t think there’s anything this girl does that doesn’t make me smile. And I’ll bet she has no idea.
I take a seat next to her on the couch as I pull on my boots. “So, where to?” I ask, turning to look at her.
I watch as her eyes widen, and she bites her lip. “I just woke you up, didn’t I?” she asks, even though I don’t think that’s what she was thinking just now.
I can’t help but laugh. She is beautiful, gorgeous, adorable, and watching her reactions, how nervous she is to be here, how distracted she seems to be, just makes me want to wrap my arms around her and pull her against me. I want to kiss her until all of this nervousness disappears. But I want to kiss her because of this other thing she’s got going on too.
“Woke, no, got out of bed, yes,” I say, watching as she frowns a little. “But don’t worry about it, Ash,” I add on, standing up.
She nods once and stands. I follow her out, grabbing my wallet, phone, and keys before locking up the apartment. She still hasn’t told me where we’re going, and rather than ask her again, I decide to go with wherever she’s taking me. So instead, I change the subject and tell her about the latest album I bought.
“I’ll bring it in, you can have a listen,” I say, glancing down at her. “There’s a couple of songs on there I’d like to do covers of.”
She nods as she looks up at me quickly. “Who writes all the music you guys play?”
I glance down at her as I say, “All of us really. I guess Jared and I do most of the lyrics, but everyone contributes.”
“Your songs, all the music, the lyrics, it’s really good, Luke,” she says, smiling as she keeps her eyes forward this time. “I really love it.”
I smile, even though she’s not looking at me. “Thanks. Jared used to be in a band before ours that did nothing but covers,” I tell her. “When we got Infinity together, we all agreed that covers were okay, but our own stuff was what we were really about.” She glances up at me again and I smile. “I mean, there are some songs I really like, so to get the chance to cover them is great, but I want to be known for our own stuff. I want people to hear a song and recognise that it’s us. That we created that sound and those lyrics, you know?”
She smiles back at me now as she says, “Yeah, I do. And I think you’ve got that you know, your own sound. It’s unique, different, but it’s definitely all yours.”
I want to wrap my arm around her and pull her against me. I just love how she gets it. How she gets our music and everything we’re trying to do with it.
We eventually reach the train station and Ash still says nothing about where we’re going. I follow her down the stairs and to the ticket counter. As I reach for my wallet, I watch her shake her head at me, so I stand back and let her get them.
“Two round-trip tickets to Providence, please,” she says and I see she visibly flinches when she says Providence. She glances up at me quickly, but doesn’t say anything, so I silently follow her to our platform and wait. The train arrives not long after and I follow Ash to a seat, sliding in beside her. The train is half empty and I could easily sit in front of her, but I don’t. I sit right beside her, close enough that we are touching, close enough that I can smell her and once more, I wonder what the hell is really going on here. For her, for me, and with us.
We spend the train ride talking about music some more and I actually risk it and ask Ash to come to the Boston Calling Festival with me later in the year. When she says yes I finally start to think maybe I’m getting somewhere with this girl. But the closer we get to Providence, the tenser she starts to get. I can literally feel it radiating from her body as it rests against mine. She finally turns to look at me and says, “It’s one of my favourite places for breakfast.”
Doesn’t really clear things up for me, but I just answer her with, “Sounds good, Ash,” not want
ing to freak her out any more than she already seems to be.
“I’m from Providence,” she adds on and it starts to make sense.
I glance down at her and see she looks scared again. Surely she can’t be scared to come back here. I don’t quite know what to say, so I say the most obvious thing, “I’m from L.A.” And then for some stupid reason, I feel the need to add on, “Although I haven’t been back in nearly eight years.”
“Yeah, I’ve hardly been back either,” she says, her voice barely a whisper as she turns to look out the window.
And that’s when I recognise what it really is. Sadness. She’s sad about coming back here and I have absolutely no idea why or what I’m supposed to say to make her feel better. So I say nothing, but as the train pulls into the station, I gently take her hand in mine, threading our fingers together in a way that I hope comforts her. And while I have no idea what she’s thinking, I do know I will do anything to take this sadness away.
When we walk out of the station, we are greeted by a block of apartments. Ash hesitates for a minute and I’m not sure if it’s because she doesn’t know where to go or it’s something else. “I’ve never been to Providence,” I tell her, as though this will help.
She smiles up at me, saying nothing.
I smile back at her, trying to reassure her, and for a minute we stand here, smiling at each other. I want to take hold of her hand again, hold it in mine as she takes me to her favourite place for breakfast. But I don’t and then Ash turns and heads towards a hill and I fall silently in step beside her. We eventually reach a street that is filled with college students and cafes. Ash turns right and heads down the hill until we reach a cafe, where we’re shown to a table by the window. Without a word, she hands me a menu and waits while I look it over.
“You’re not looking?” I ask, gesturing towards her closed menu.
She smiles at me again as she shakes her head. She hasn’t said a word since the train station and I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. After we’ve ordered and our coffees arrive, Ash looks up at me and finally speaks. “So, is your family still out in L.A.?”
