by J. Daniels
My aunt joins me after a while and we talk about the last several days she spent with her and what they did. She fills me in on every tiny detail, making me feel like I was there instead of miles away. I keep checking my phone but never hear from Tessa or Ben, and I can’t hide the sadness that overwhelms me when neither one of them contact me.
Especially Ben.
I need to hear his voice. I need him with me, but he doesn’t call me or text me and I don’t understand why. And as time drags on, the hurt in my heart grows to the point of being agonizing.
Maybe I had imagined what we had together. Maybe he didn’t love me. Maybe this was all just some game to him, tricking his sister’s annoying best friend into loving him. And when Dr. Stevens comes in to ask if we’re ready to say our goodbyes, I lose it.
I drop to my knees and cry harder than I ever have before. I cry over losing my mom to this bullshit disease that doesn’t care whose life it ruins, I cry over my selfishness and the fact that I chose a summer with Ben over my last summer with my mom, and I cry because the man I love doesn’t care enough to comfort me over the phone.
I know he can’t be here with me. He has to work. But he could’ve called. And as I stand outside my mom’s room, watching them cover her up with a white sheet, that familiar hate I once reserved just for him comes right back up to the surface.
“You know, I think it’s really amazing that your mom wanted to donate her body to science. She could be the reason they find a cure for that fucking disease.”
I can’t help but laugh at my aunt’s use of profanity. She never cusses around me.
Her hand tucks a piece of hair behind my ear that has fallen out of my hair tie. “Are you going to stick around here for a while or are you heading back to Alabama?”
I glance down at my phone again. Still nothing. “I don’t have any reason to go back to Alabama.”
“Isn’t being in love a good enough reason?” she asks.
“Not when it’s one-sided.” I look down at my phone and squeeze it tightly, willing it to ring. “He didn’t even care about me enough to text me. You really can’t get more impersonal than a text, and that was still too much for him.” I meet my aunt’s pitiful gaze. “It’s fine. I’m used to hating Ben. It’s not very difficult. I can get my stuff mailed to me, that way I don’t ever have to go back there.”
The thought of never seeing Nolan again makes my stomach churn. But seeing Nolan meant seeing Ben. The Ben that doesn’t care enough.
She takes a sip of the coffee she’s been nursing for the past hour. “Why don’t you step outside and get some air. It’ll be good to get out of this stuffy atmosphere for a few minutes. Clear your head a little.”
I nod in agreement and take the elevators down to the main level, walking out of the entrance I came sprinting through several hours ago.
As soon as I step onto the sidewalk, my phone starts beeping like crazy in my pocket. Startled, I pull it out and watch as the number of missed calls from Tessa’s cell phone rack up. But still nothing from Ben.
How the hell did I miss this many calls?
And then it hits me—there isn’t any cell phone reception in the hospital.
I begin listening to the voicemails she left me. The first several are wondering where I am, telling me that Nolan is driving her nuts with his impatience. Then she tells me that Nolan was messing with her phone again and she noticed that he turned the volume down and that’s why she missed my call. She tells me she’ll call Ben, and I can’t help the aggravation I feel at that statement. She cries in the next message, asking me to call her so she can find out what’s going on with my mom. As soon as she starts talking about Ben not answering his phone, I delete the message and go on to the next one. If she had any excuses for him, I didn’t want to hear them. He obviously didn’t love me, because if you loved someone, you’d take five seconds out of your day to send them a text when their mother is dying. One fucking word could’ve been sent to me. A simple “sorry.” But no. I needed him and he didn’t care. He doesn’t love me. And that realization stings my entire body with a discomfort I’ve never felt before. But just when I think my world can’t crumble anymore, I reach the last voicemail in my inbox.
“Mia, Ben’s been shot. He’s been fucking shot. I don’t know anything except that they’re taking him to St. Joseph’s hospital. Please call me. Please.”
I can hear the restrained panic in Tessa’s voice.
I fall to the ground, my knees hitting the sidewalk and causing a shooting pain to ride up my thighs. But that’s not the pain that has me struggling to breathe.
“Oh, no, God. Please no.” I push myself up and begin running toward my Jeep when I remember my aunt.
“Fuck!”
Running faster than I ever have, I take the stairs because I don’t want to wait for the elevator. My aunt is where I left her and she startles when she sees me, meeting me halfway next to the nurse’s station. I’m crying and I can barely take in any air, but I manage to speak.
“Ben’s been shot. I have to go. Right now. Do I need to do something? Is there anything I need to do here? Please, can I just go?”
My chest is heaving from my run and my legs are burning, but I don’t care. And if I have paperwork or anything I have to do, it will have to wait.
She squeezes my hand, shaking her head with concerned eyes. “No, sweetie. Go. I’ll take care of everything. Call me when you get there.”
I run back down the stairs, nearly falling in my hurried state. Once I get outside, I dial Tessa’s number as I sprint to the Jeep. It goes straight to voicemail.
“I’m on my way. Oh, my God, please call me back and tell me he’s okay. Tell him I love him, Tessa. Tell him I’m going to say that to him every second for the rest of his life. He’ll never go another day without hearing those words from me.”
I wipe the tears from my eyes so I can focus on the road in front of me as I whip through the parking lot.
“Please don’t take him away from me.”
I whimper my plea to God, and to Tessa, not knowing if either one of them will hear me. If Tessa is in the hospital, she probably won’t get this message until she walks outside. And if Ben is dying, why would she leave him? I wouldn’t leave his side if I was there. The man I spent the last two hours bitterly hating was the man I loved more than anything in the world. He was my life, my family, and my future. I couldn’t lose him. I wouldn’t lose him. I’ve never believed in fate before, but I did the moment I saw Ben in that bar. He was always the one for me. We were always meant to end up together.
And the two hundred miles that are separating us now will be the last thing to ever keep us apart. I’ll make damn sure of that.
“I WANT PAMCAKES! I want pamcakes!” Nolan yells, jumping up and down on the sofa. “Pamcakes, pamcakes, pamcakes!”
I love my nephew, but I’m about to stick him in the dryer.
I grunt my annoyance, looking for any sign of the red Jeep out the window. “Nolan, relax please. Mia should be back any minute.”
“It’s Pwincess Mia,” he corrects me, causing me to narrow my eyes at him.
I snatch my cell phone from his little grubby fingers and dial her number. It rings four times and then her voicemail greeting comes through the phone. I wait for the beep. “Oh, my God. Please tell me you’re on your way back. The little monster is getting unbearable to be around. Oh, and if you’re still at the store, can you pick me up some mountain dew?” I hang up and watch as Nolan rips all the pillows off the couch and jumps on them like stones in a creek. “How about some Fruit Loops to hold you over?”
He jerks his head up and connects with my eyes. “Gwoss. I hate fwuit woops. I want pamcakes.” His little menacing body flies into the air with each leap he takes. “Pwincess Mia pwomised me.”
I turn away from him and look out the sliding glass door, praying that Mia’s body will come into view any second. But it doesn’t. And my impatience begins to grow right along with Nolan’s a
s the time ticks by. I dial her number again.
“Hey. You do remember how to get to my parents’ house, right? Nolan’s about to start eating the furniture.”
And again.
“Which grocery store did you go to? There are some in Alabama. I’m about to start making pancakes out of cornmeal, and I’m not sure how those are going to go over, so you might want to speed it up a little.”
And again.
“Sweet Jesus! Would you call me and let me know that you’re still alive!”
Nolan’s voice grows louder and louder, more urgent as the minutes drag on.
I silence him with my phone when I think my head is going to explode, and raid the fridge myself. I don’t need to wait for pancake mix to eat breakfast. I am perfectly happy with Fruit Loops, unlike my hot meal loving nephew.
“Nolan, don’t buy any more apps. I will be looting your piggy bank to pay for the seven that you bought already.”
He doesn’t respond as I clean up my dishes, most likely browsing the hottest games on iTunes. Another hour goes by before I grab my phone and really start to worry. There’s no way in hell it should take Mia this long. Not unless she really did go to another state to grocery shop. I notice the missed call from Mia on my screen.
“Nolan, damn it. You turned my volume down.”
He gasps softly, and I look up at his wide-eyed stare.
“You said a bad wowrd.”
Shit. I hold my phone up to my ear to listen to her voicemail, turning the TV on as a distraction. Hopefully he’ll find something amusing and will forget all about my potty mouth. I really don’t feel like getting my ass handed to me by Ben for my language usage around his son.
“Hey, it’s me. I’m so sorry I missed your calls but I’m in Fulton at the hospital. It’s my mom. She’s dying, Tessa. I got the call from my aunt when I was at the grocery store and I just drove straight here. Can you tell Ben to call me? Or text me or something? I tried calling him but he didn’t answer. Oh, and tell Nolan I’m sorry about the pancakes. I’ll make him some the next time I see him.”
“Oh, God.” I exit my voicemail and quickly dial her number again, cursing under my breath and moving into the kitchen. She doesn’t pick up and I begin to cry. “Oh, my God, Mia, I’m so sorry I missed your call. Nolan was playing with my phone and turned down the volume.” I try to muffle my cries, but I’m one of those loud criers and it’s useless. “Jesus, I should be there with you. I’m going to call Ben right now and let him know what’s going on. Just call me when you get a chance, okay? I love you.”
I wipe my eyes and dial Ben’s number. Nolan jumps around on the couch cushions, completely oblivious to me and anything else that isn’t the cartoon he’s watching. Thank God, I got his mind off those pancakes.
“Goddamn it.”
Ben’s voicemail message begins playing. I wait for the beep and slip farther into the kitchen, trying to get out of earshot of Nolan.
“Is nobody answering their phones today? Mia’s mom is dying, Ben. She needs you. She’s already in Fulton and you better call her or get your ass there. I’ll take care of Nolan. And answer your phone when I call you, please.”
I dial Mia’s number again.
“Hey, it’s me. I called Ben but had to leave him a message. God, I wish I was there with you. I hate that you’re dealing with this alone. Just call me as soon as you get this and let me know what’s going on. I’ll keep trying Ben.”
I dial his number again.
“Answer your fucking phone. Mia needs you, asshole.”
I hang up and walk over to the counter, grabbing the box of cookies that is almost empty. There is no way in hell I am going to inform Nolan that he won’t be having pancakes any time soon. I’ve seen some of his temper tantrums.
I pick up the couch cushions and re-situate them before plopping down on the end.
“I feel like having cookies for breakfast.” I take a bite of one of the chocolate chip ones as he scrambles up next to me, his crazy, gray eyes flicking from my mouth to the box. “What about you?”
He nods eagerly and dives for some cookies. He then stretches out, lying sideways on the couch with his head at the other end while he eats and watches his cartoon.
I dial Mia’s number several more times, hoping to get a hold of her, but get her voicemail each time. I also call Ben a few more times, and I’m sent straight to his voicemail with each dial. I’m hurting for Mia and want to be there with her. Ms. Corelli was always so sweet to me when I was younger. She would do anything for anybody, a quality my best friend acquired. I think about throwing Nolan into my car and beginning the drive to Fulton, but I’d never do that unless I made Ben aware. And since my dumbass brother isn’t liking his phone today, I can’t make him aware of that plan.
Nolan and I devour the cookies while watching several of his favorite shows, and just as I’m about to grab us both a drink, my phone finally rings.
I lunge for it, hoping and praying that it’s either Mia or Ben, but it isn’t. Luke’s name flashes on my screen, and I hit ignore with my middle finger before turning it up in front of my phone as if he can see it.
He is the last person I want to talk to.
He calls again, and again, and each time I hit ignore with an irritated grunt. Until I realize, like a complete dumbass, that I need to talk to Luke. Because talking to Luke means getting through to Ben.
“Shit.” I frantically hit redial and stand from the couch, walking around the back of it.
Nolan giggles at my choice word before turning back to his cartoon.
“Jesus fucking Christ. Finally!” Luke barks into my ear. I open my mouth to cut him down to size, and to remind him that we’re not together, so I don’t have to answer his calls, when his voice halts me. “Ben’s been shot, Tessa. They’re taking him to St. Joseph’s hospital.”
His words are like a kick to my diaphragm. I feel the air leave my lungs, and I don’t register anything else coming through the phone. It’s all white noise. Background gibberish from a guy that I don’t really want to talk to anyway. The bones in my hand ache as I grip the phone tighter and stare at the back of Nolan’s head.
Ben’s been shot. Nolan. Mia. I somehow manage to take in a breath and find my voice.
“I’m on my way. I’ll meet you there.”
I hit end and run down the hall toward my bedroom, dialing Mia’s number. I’m not even surprised at this point when it goes to voicemail. I try to keep my voice as calm as I can for her.
“Mia, Ben’s been shot. He’s been fucking shot. I don’t know anything except that they’re taking him to St. Joseph’s hospital. Please call me. Please.”
I hang up and grab my keys before sprinting back into the living room. “Nolan, come on. We gotta go.”
He continues jumping on the couch. “I wanna watch dis.” I grab him and feel his body tense in protest. “Noooo!” He flails in my arms, but I just hold him tighter as we head out to my car.
“Stop it, Nolan. We need to go see Daddy.”
He immediately stops fighting me, and I immediately regret telling him where we are going. If something were to happen to Ben and Nolan doesn’t get to see him, I’m not sure how I will handle that. Not only for him, but for me as well. And Mia. God, no. I can’t think about that. Nothing was going to happen to him.
I fight back my tears and buckle Nolan in before peeling away from the house.
St. Joseph’s hospital is thirty-five minutes away, but I get there in a little under twenty. I wanted to call my parents, but I couldn’t inform them of Ben’s situation with Nolan and his sonic hearing listening in, so I resorted to a text message. I knew I’d get an earful once they saw that this was the way I’d decided to fill them in, but it was my only option at the moment.
I manage to keep myself calm when I collect Nolan from the car and carry him into the hospital. But once the lady at the reception desk tells me Ben’s room number, I sprint toward the elevators.
I don’t know what c
ondition I will find him in. He could be unconscious. Unrecognizable. Dead. I have no idea. I don’t know the extent of his injuries, and I am willing to risk Nolan seeing his father in whatever state he is in, because I need to see him.
Once the elevator stops on my floor, I clutch Nolan against my side as I maneuver between the people in the hallway.
319. 319.
I’m scanning for Ben’s room number as I pass every doorway. Finally, after what feels like a lifetime, I pass room 317 and know his room is next. I stop just before reaching his door, my heart pumping so loud it’s causing tremors in my field of vision. I let out an unsteady breath and shift Nolan on my hip before filling the doorway.
I’m prepared for blood.
I’m prepared for the annoying constant beeping of machines and the sight of my brother bandaged up.
But this? I’m not prepared for this. Not after the multitude of emotions I’ve felt today.
My heart thunders in my chest at the sight of Ben, sitting up in bed while a nurse tends to his shoulder. He looks completely unharmed except for the deep gash that the nurse is stitching up. Luke is sitting next to him in a chair beside the bed, and as I step into the room, both pairs of eyes fixate on me.
“Daddy!” Nolan scrambles out of my arms and runs over to the bed, climbing up on it.
“What the hell is this?” I gesture with my hand toward my brother, getting a bewildered expression in return. “I thought you’d be dying. Or at least severely injured.” I snap my head toward Luke who leans back in his chair in response to the anger behind my glare. “Jesus Christ, Luke. You think you could’ve mentioned that Ben was only suffering from a flesh wound! Do you have any idea how scared I was! How scared I’ve probably made Mia!”
