by SJ Molloy
Needing to get out my frustration, I fist the tiles in anger, cracking my knuckles and sending a shooting pain up my arm, but I barely feel anything other than this pain in my heart. The possession and unconditional love I feel for my girl is stronger than ever. I want to hold her and tell her I love her and that nothing bad will ever happen to her again, but I am too worked up. I would scare her.
I am worried about my actions. I could toss this whole fucking suite upside down to vent my fury. Snapping back to reality, I know I cannot. I promised Lexi, I promised her I would contain my anger and I would not drink like this, but shit, I need it.
Splashing my face and rinsing my mouth, I square myself up. Pacing the floor, I take a seat again on the sofa in the library, looking at the journal. My lips press in a hard line. Raw eyes narrow on the journal that just confessed a life of darkness and shattered my heart. It unleashes an inferno inside me, a combustion of blazing fire in a man so desperately in love it makes me want to spread my flames.
I fear for my actions.
Picking up the glass, I top the whiskey and sip it slowly, resting my head back and closing my eyes. After emptying the previous consumption of malt from my stomach, I plan to refill my aching gut with more, this time appreciating the actual blend and flavour. If that is what helps me get through this tonight, then so be it.
I stare into nothingness. I am not sure how much time has passed, but I come out of my reverie with new found courage to read the rest of the journal for Lexi because I promised her. Page after page explains some of her memories, some bullet pointed, some more descriptive.
She writes about being drugged, photographed, raped, and brutally tortured by her half-brother, about his mother, Mary, watching and encouraging it. It details her feelings, emotions, fears, and thoughts. It is obvious that as she becomes more confident in expressing herself as it becomes more detailed.
Nearing the end, she also writes about her mum disappearing for days on end, being sexually abused by Simon, the cunt who fathered her, before crawling back into their shed. How it took days to nurse her mum back from her pain and drugged comas.
Lexi continues by mentioning that she was angry and confused because her mum submitted, begged for drugs, and worked and helped Simon. She could not comprehend it.
I only feel like I can breathe properly again when I read the page that mentions their escape, when they finally got away and were rescued. New life.
Shutting the book, I rub my head, depleted and distressed. Fuck, I am exhausted and emotionally zapped. Every muscle, joint, and tendon is worn and worked from my overwrought tension. My mind reels, heart splinters, and eyes are tainted.
Lexi startles me on her return. One look and she is begging, pleading, and scolding me. I cannot speak. I am seething inside about what that fucking monster did to her. I am afraid to mention it to her because I will break down, and I know she will break down with me.
I cannot put her through that again. She is too fragile and sensitive and does not deserve to see me angry like this. I do not want to cause her anymore pain. I need to cool off. I need to calm down. I need fresh air to help me think.
“Lucca, I need you to talk. I can’t go through this again. You’re scaring me,” she yells.
Fuck, this is such a mess. Standing up, I do not even make eye contact with her. I do not want her to see the fire in my eyes, and one look at her beautiful face and I will lose it. Trying to keep myself together, I stand up, swaying a little, and tell her I cannot. I cannot talk about this right now; it is still too raw and painful to digest.
Grabbing my suit jacket, I storm through the grand gallery and into the foyer. I am tempted to tell Lexi I just need time to clear my head, but I worry that any words I say right now sound violent or hateful.
The heavy gilded door swings and slams shut behind me. Turning to the doorman, I warn him to stay here until I am back, that she does not get to leave. As I am in no fit state to drive, I switch my phone off and I walk. I have no idea where I am going, but I just need to walk.
I walk through the busy streets. Tourists and locals congest every narrow path and street corner. I walk for what seems like an age until I stumble across a cathedral. Dusk has veiled the night sky. It is the flickering of candles edging the steps that draws my attention. I pause and look at the open door. Light shining from inside. A place to reflect and pray.
I think about Lexi lighting her candles for herself, her mother, and brother. It makes sense now. She was lighting them to ask for hope to keep them safe, make them strong, and keep them in the light. No wonder she keeps referring to her past and present as being dark. The candles give her light.
Inside, I bless myself, walk straight to the alter, light three candles for Lexi, her mother, and brother, take a seat and bow my head in prayer. I am not sure how long I have been here, but the sound of people shuffling along pews behind me brings me back to the here and now. Evening mass must be scheduled to start. That means we have long missed the ballet tonight, not that I would be in any state to go.
Shit, Lexi. She will be worried sick. I left her without a word. I slip out and make my way to a bench outside the cathedral and switch my phone on. I have several missed calls and voicemails, mostly from Lexi, a couple from Marco and Cameron as well.
I listen to her first message. She is crying hysterically. Jesus, she is upset because she thinks I am leaving her. I am a selfish fucking prick. Why did I not just tell her I would be coming back? My heart tugs in pain again and I wonder how strong my heart actually is. It feels like it has been torn out my body, shredded, and put back to barely function while it pours blood.
A cold, dirty, and shaky homeless man sits next to me on the bench. He asks for some loose change to buy a hot drink in Italian. I thrust my hand in my trouser pocket, planning to give him some notes to at least get him shelter for the night, and realise I do not have my wallet.
Fuck. I apologise and tell him I will make sure he gets some money, food, and a warm place to sleep tomorrow. Taking my jacket off, I cover his shoulders. He takes my hands and thanks me repeatedly and says God will show me providence for my generosity. I will be in his prayers and he hopes God shines a light over me and keeps me out the dark.
Providence.
The strangest feeling washes over me. I had thought the exact same thing earlier. This man does not even have a place to put his head down tonight, or food or water, but he has faith. It is almost like a sign, as if he is sending a message to tell me that God planned it all. He first showed Lexi and me darkness because now we can appreciate the light together. It is done. It is past. I can give her a brighter future.
Everything I have been through with Lexi has been based on faith because I had hope that she would date me, agree to live with me, give me her heart, love me, and forgive me. I had hope for us, just like I have hope she will agree to marry me tomorrow evening. I need to comfort her right now, like I need my next breath.
I call Lexi but her phone is off. Then I call Marco and try and explain what happened and my whereabouts so he can arrange for money to be dropped off to the homeless man tomorrow. I phone Cameron. He answers right away and tells me Lexi had an anxiety attack and was going out of her mind.
Shit, I briefly explain and say I am on my way to get her. I pick up my pace until I am running towards a main road to try and get a taxi. When I reach the hotel, I ask the taxi driver to wait, I make arrangements at the front desk for them to pay the fare for me and add it to my account before rushing to the suite.
I race through the hotel until I reach the suite. The doorman is still there and says she never left. I find the suite empty. I unbutton my shirt, then check every room in the vast space, the gardens, and the rooms again. I am frantic. The thought of her running away again is killing me. I panic at the thought of her being in the city on her own.
The bed is untouched and the way we left it earlier. I panic and rake my hands roughly through my hair. I throw the door open and all but pin th
e doorman to the wall.
“Dove è lei?” I bark, asking where she is.
“Sir, non ha mai lasciato. SONO qui tutta la sera.” He calmly tells me she never left. He has been here all evening.
I order him to get Mr. Boveri on the line and tell him I need his security to check CCTV footage on the main doors to see if Lexi has left the hotel. The doorman suggests I try the chapel and the private gardens in the suite and offers to help, but I refuse. Slamming the door, I go back to the gardens, hoping I will find her. I actually only scanned outside earlier and was not concentrating.
My breath catches in my throat when I find her curled in a little ball sleeping on a sofa in the garden. She never ran away. My heart clenches seeing her lying there like this. I know she has been upset because her face does not look well-rested. She looks exhausted.
I scoop her up into my arms and carry her back to bed. I hold her so closely and tightly, thankful that she is okay and here in my arms. Rocking her, soothing here, kissing her, I pull a luxurious blanket over her shivering body.
We talk, cry, open up, and listen to one another. I make her promises I have no intention of breaking—ever. When we have exhausted ourselves with crying and talking, I hold her against my chest, cradling her in a protective hold, keeping her next to my heart. Only Lexi seems to have the ability to put it back to better.
I watch her sleep for a long time, listen to her soft breaths as I plan tomorrow and how I want everything to be romantic and special for her. I think about the homeless man and his words. He asked God to give me providence. God already has … she is in my arms.
My angel.
My dolcezza.
My instant attraction.
My love at first sight.
My breath-stealer.
And everything else in-between.
Providence.
Finally when I close my eyes, I drift into sleep, I dream about blue diamonds, sparkling chocolate eyes, blue orchids, luscious lips, candles glowing, tender moments and loving promises.
After reading Lexi’s journal and understanding her past, I know now that I have given myself completely to the woman that I love for now until all eternity.
She is my love. She has my love. She is the love.
Lexi is L’amore.
Epilogue
The past few weeks David Kellar has been considering his next play. He intends to make Lucca Caruso suffer for what he did to him. He was left with broken ribs, a fractured collarbone, a broken jaw, busted nose, broken tooth, and a mild concussion as a result of the brute’s forceful attack.
He is determined to return the favour to Mr. Caruso but wants to ensure there will be no room for healing. David considered sabotaging his Luminara chain, but that would be inconsequential. Lucca is too smart and insightful; he would bounce back like he always does. It needs to be something he can’t repair.
David decides he is going to give it to him sore and hit him where it will destroy him the most. He will attack him where he will bleed out to a slow and miserable death. His heart.
David has not quite got over the fact that Lucca Caruso outbid and sealed the land he was after in Tuscany. David had huge plans to capitalise on the vineyards and build a hotel and spa retreat. That is never going to happen because Lucca possesses it, along with something else that caught his attention: the beautiful Lexi Robertson.
He has been waiting for the right time to see Lucca Caruso go down, and since Lucca has now given him cause to actively seek out revenge, he plans to plant the seed and sit back and watch Lucca crumble and fall. Brick by brick. David will not even be implicated. He does not need to do anything because he knows someone who will. He needs to put his ideas into motion.
He knows who he can trust and who not to trust, and having someone keep an eye on Lucca Caruso in the past years has proven to be very advantageous from a business perspective. He also knows Lucca’s loyal Italian colleague also has a deep-rooted and personal vendetta against him. Perhaps this might just rile him up.
David sips his strong black coffee before dialling the number. It seems odd to David that his informant has not interfered in Lucca’s business life. Or maybe he has and it is all part of the game plan. In any respect, it makes no difference to him. He only wants to get Lucca back and have him dragged through the realms of Hell in the process.
“This is not over,” was the wisest thing Lucca Caruso has ever said to him before he stormed out of his club with his damsel in distress. He got it spot on. It is not over by a long shot. Far from it.
“It’s David Kellar. In English please,” David says sharply, beginning the conversation to the Italian gentleman on the other end of the phone.
“As you wish. What do you want?” The man on the other end of the line sounds irritable and impatient, as if he has been caught at a bad time.
David, the club owner of Tasa, sits back in his office chair, resting his expensive brogue shoes on his modern desk, revisiting the CCTV footage from the night the little sexy brunette ventured into his club. If there is one thing Lucca Caruso is, it is lucky. He is one lucky bastard, David silently thinks, seething with jealously.
“There was an incident. Here in my club, involving your colleague … your friend,” David says coyly in his Texan accent, trying to pique his interest.
“Yes, I am aware. I am kept well informed. It has nothing to do with me, get to the point, David. I am a busy man and I am sure your club is not running itself either,” he adds dryly, from the comfort of his own office.
“He has something and is exceptionally protective over it. I thought you would appreciate knowing … you know in the event you need to step up, find your balls, and do what we both know you want to … finish him off.” He lifts his brow and bites on his bottom lip, admiring the image of Lexi swaying her sexy little ass towards the ladies restroom on the security feed.
“Again. Yes, I know. He has a new bella, a very beautiful one. Hip hip horray for him. I am sure he is having lots of fun with her. Now is there anything worthwhile you would care to share with me, or do you plan on wasting more of my time?” Of course it is not news to him. He had a lengthy discussion only last night regarding Lucca’s new bella, Lexi.
“If I were you, I would do some digging on his girl. I do not know, interfere, blackmail her, split them up, give her a reason not to trust him … use your imagination. Because I can guarantee you, if there’s anything that will take him down … if you want to get at him and control the reins, you need to play with his heart,” David suggests, feeling exceptionally proud of himself and his ingenious idea.
“Perhaps. I will think about it. Anything else?” the Italian gentleman asks, devoid of enthusiasm, looking through his emails at the same time. He has a new email in his inbox from Kimberley Franks, Suzanne’s assistant. Briefly he thinks if anyone can play games and interfere in Lucca’s relationship with his new girl, it is Kimberley Franks. She was made to meddle. David’s suggestion does not seem that pointless after all.
“Nope, that’s it. Oh, please let me know when she breaks his sorry heart. Nothing will give me greater pleasure. Good luck and goodbye.” David hangs up and grins with a kinked smile before grabbing his jacket and heading out to lunch.
The Italian gentleman rests his elbows on the table and steeples his fingers in front of his mouth. David is a pain in his ass, insufferable and annoying, but he might just be onto something. He may need to pay Kimberley a visit and give her a proposition. After all, she has lots of debts. Perhaps she would appreciate the extra money to pay them off.
If Lucca loses his new bella, he will be devastated and weak. It will be the perfect opportunity for his colleague to run this business the way he sees fit.
His phone alerts him of an incoming text from Francesca just as he locks his desktop and heads out to take care of business while Lucca swoons around like some pathetic character in a sickening romance novel.
He narrows his eyes on the words. He already knew but decided to keep
it from Francesca out of courtesy because she is still recovering and does not need any more bad news.
Just heard the news. He is getting married. He proposed to Lexi. She said yes!!!
He types a quick reply, left eye twitching, mouth curled smugly, before closing the door behind him.
Don’t worry. It won’t last. Payback time.
To be continued …
Luminoso book 4 in the Luminara Series coming soon.
Part Two: Lucca’s Therapy
Chapter 1
Fixer
Several months after L’amore
Exclusive material from Luminoso in Lucca’s words.
I am not in the fucking mood for this. I have no idea why Casey Huddersfield, our family friend and therapist, is adamant that I need another session of goddamn therapy with her. I am fine. Completely fine. It is my girl that I worry about … not me.
I bring Casey here to Tuscany to help my dolcezza and her mum, Grace. Casey is one of the best. I trust her completely and have a huge amount of respect for her. I will not deny that Casey has been worth her weight in gold during these past few challenging months, but it is seriously beyond me why she thinks I need a session of my own.
She had cornered me after dinner the other night. She should be channelling all her energy and focus into helping Lexi and Grace, not me. I do not need it. Not now. I am fixed.
I will always be forever grateful to Casey for what she does for Lexi, Grace, and the family, and for what she has done for me in the past. She fixed me with her cognitive behaviour therapy when my past was fucked-up and I was very much broken. She straightened me out when I was bent, helped me grieve, helped me accept, and helped me move on.
