by Jenny Oliver
Jackie at least had the decency to absorb herself in her phone, Anna noticed, as Hilary leant a hand on the table and said, ‘You need to sort it, Anne. Can’t fail at your first job as a wife. That wouldn’t do at all.’
Tell them to stop, Seb, she thought as they carried on. Tell them to stop.
But he said nothing, just looked at his glass.
The conversation swirled on around her until she heard Jackie say, ‘I know, I’ve been trying to persuade her to put her phenomenal talent to use back here in Nettleton. Razzmatazz are heading towards a big Britain’s Got Talent audition.’
‘And Anna‒’ Hilary frowned, ‘You’re not doing it?’
‘I just‒’ Anna made a face, glanced at Jackie and thought, you sly cow.
‘You really should, Anna. I would have thought you’d jump at the chance of extra money. Seb, what do you think?’
Tell them that you think it’s a terrible idea. Tell them something because you know, more than anything, I don’t want to dance.
Seb licked his lower lip and said, ‘I think it’s Anna’s decision.’
Chapter Four
Anna’s ballet teacher pulled her mother aside when she was eight and told her she had talent. Real, proper talent. Talent that she couldn’t really do justice with her own teaching. Anna’s mother had wanted to whisk her off to London there and then, but it had been her father who’d said no. Who’d said a child should enjoy their childhood. So the compromise had been Summer, Easter and Christmas holidays spent at The Yellow House, a precursor to The English Ballet Company School.
But the second her father had been caught in bed with Molly, the local auctioneer, he forfeited, in her mother’s opinion, any rights to Anna’s future. And, quick as a flash, they were speeding down the M3 to London, towards an audition for a full-time placement at The English Ballet Company School.
As the sun edged its way over the Hammersmith flyover, her mother had said, I should have done this years ago. In fact, no, I should have just gone back. I should have gone straight back to Sevilla. What is there keeping me here? There’s nothing, nothing for me here.
The feelings of the springs in the back of the car seat jutting into her back and whether she’d ever see their cat again were Anna’s predominant memories of the trip. Which distracted her from the fear of her audition and the possibility that she wasn’t quite good enough. That everyone else there had started when they were six, and weren’t chastised every lesson at summer school for their lack of flexibility. That if she did get in she’d suffer the humiliation of being in classes with younger kids, that she’d be described as a ‘late bloomer’.
You, her mother had looked over from the road, the sleeves of her black fur coat flopping down over her hands on the steering wheel, and said, You’re the only thing keeping me here, darling. You. You’re going to be a star. I can just see it. You’re going to be a star and we’ll wear Chanel and we’ll go back to that bloody village and we’ll show them that we’re better. We’re better, Anna.
Anna was lying in the bath when Seb popped his head round the door to say that he was going out with his brothers, then added an eye-roll, as if it was just something that had to be done.
Anna laughed involuntarily. She knew that meant he’d be forced to drink shots and go to some hideous club on an industrial estate out of town that they’d gone to when they were sixteen. An image of his siblings with their middle-aged One Direction haircuts made her wince. She knew they called her a stuck-up cow and blamed her for the loss of Seb’s apparent sense of fun.
As he leant over and kissed her on the top of the head, Anna found herself saying, before she could stop herself, ‘Why didn’t you stand up for me in the pub the other day?’
Seb turned and leant against the sink. ‘I don’t know what you mean?’
She looked at the bleeding cuts on the backs of her hand where she’d been lugging boxes around all day, her chipped nails with dirt underneath them, her bruised legs. ‘It just feels a bit like you’re punishing me.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ He shook his head. ‘Anna, I was unhappy in London. I’m not ashamed to admit it. We both made mistakes, we both lived outside our means, the wedding was just the icing on the cake. I promise, I’m not punishing you. By no means am I punishing you. I suppose I just want you to try.’ He paused, his fingers thrumming on the edge of the porcelain basin, ‘Also, I wonder if maybe you weren’t as happy as you think you were.’
Anna guffawed. ‘I was happy!’
Seb shrugged and nodded, then turned and opened the bathroom cabinet, fishing about for some aftershave. ‘I saw the vicar today,’ he said after a moment.
Anna paused, popped a bubble in her bath.
‘He said we were welcome to use the church for the service. Said that it would be nice you know, to go full circle, since I was christened there. I thought that was nice. You know, a nice thing to say. He didn’t have to say anything, did he? But I thought that was nice.’
‘You’re rambling.’
‘It’s because I’m nervous about telling you this. Nervous of what your reaction is going to be.’
‘If you know my reaction, why are you telling me?’ She suddenly wanted to be out of the bath, dry and dressed and having this conversation at eye-level.
‘Because I think it could solve quite a lot of problems. And if we use the village hall it’ll be one hundred pounds. That’s it, Anna. One hundred pounds. That’s nothing.’
‘The hall I did Brownies in and ballet lessons and choir practice and sat with my dad at the antiques fairs? That hall, you mean?’
Seb nodded again, a little less vigorously.
‘The hall where all the old people have their weekly bridge sessions and that smells of cabbage and boiled potatoes afterwards?’
‘That’s the one.’
Anna nodded.
Seb bit his lip and seemed to close his eyes for slightly longer than a blink.
‘And the vicar who counselled my mum to stay with my dad even though he’d been having an affair for two years? That one? Still the same one?’
Seb did a really small nod, almost imperceptible.
‘That it was her duty to stay with him even though he had no intention of giving his mistress up? That the sanctity of marriage meant turning a blind eye.’
‘I had actually forgotten that bit‒’ Seb swallowed.
Anna breathed in through her nose and slowly exhaled like they used to do at her Bikram yoga class that she couldn’t go to any more because there was only one in the next village and it was twenty pounds a class. She was lucky if there was Pilates in Nettleton, and Zumba…Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
The bubbles on her fingers glistened in the drooping sun, pearlised pinks and blues like sequins. Twinkling on white, reminding her of the first costume hand-stitched just for her. The individual silver sequins flickering on netting under the heat of the strip-lighting in the shabby costume department. The material as it was ruched and pinned, the corset as it was nipped and tucked, the patterns traced with tiny seed beads and embroidery against her chest and up over her shoulders in trails on fine gauze.
The flat that her mother had rented just off the Charing Cross road was horrible. A dingy little place that lit up bright blue when ambulances and fire engines screamed past at all hours of the night.
They’d had nothing but a couple of suitcases of clothes, some pots and pans and a massive heap of bitterness. There was one bedroom, which Anna slept in, where a lamp in the shape of a white horse sat on a stack of old Hello! Magazines left behind by the previous tenant, flickering from a dodgy connection in the plug. And it was cold. The kind of cold that made the blankets damp and kept toes frozen. That first night Anna had lain staring at the ceiling doing everything she could not to cry and, as if her mum could sense it, she came in from her own make-shift bed on the sofa, a red crocheted blanket wrapped round her and snuggled up next to Anna. She had stroked her hair away from her face and said
, We’ll be ok. You, you’ll be fabulous!
Then she had leant over and grabbed a Hello! from the pile. When I was a child we used to make scrap books, she’d said as she’d started flicking through the glossy pages. We’d stick in pictures and postcards of places we wanted to go or people we wanted to be. I had a big picture of the ceiling of the David H. Koch theatre at the Lincoln Center. It’s paved with gold. Did you know that? A gold ceiling. That’s the best you can get, isn’t it? And then I had a picture of Buckingham Palace, can you believe it! Still, we’ve never been. As she talked, she let her finger trace the outline of the big chandeliers, the Caribbean super-yachts, the million-pound stallions in stately home stables, and Anna watched silently as the moisture collected in the corner of her eyes. I stuck in all the things I’d ever wanted and dreamt of.
From that night they sat up together in bed and went through the Hellos!, one by one, staring at pictures of Princess Grace of Monaco, Ivana Trump, Joan Rivers’ daughter’s wedding extravaganza. Caroline Bassette-Kennedy on the arm of John Jnr, Princess Diana photographed by Mario Testino, Darcey Bussell in Swan Lake, Claudia, Naomi, Cindy and Kate draped on the arm of Vivienne Westwood or Jean Paul Gaultier. Houses that dripped in gold, taps shaped like dolphins with emeralds as the eyes, satin sheets and heart-shaped beds, wardrobes that cantilevered to reveal rows and rows of shoes like coloured candy, chandeliers that hung like beetles glinting in the camera flashlight, oriental rugs as wide as ballrooms and mirrors trimmed with gold and giant porcelain figurines. This was a world of faces turned a fraction to the left, a tilt of a smile, a waft of arrogance and confidence. This was a world that made her mum smile when she looked at the pictures, that would forever remind Anna of being tucked up together in that cold, damp bed.
That’s who I’m going to be, Anna had thought as the light flickered in her bare bedroom and the noise of an ambulance howled past along the street below. In this enchanted world they have everything.
The next day she had started her own book, one that until a week or so ago was crammed with scraps of every picture, article, photograph, postcard, ripped-out catalogue page she’d seen over the last however many years.
The book that went everywhere with her. The book that housed pages and pages of her dreams. The book that, when they had packed up their beautiful Bermondsey flat, she had left in the bin on top of her old ballet pointes.
‘The thing is, Seb. ’ Anna said, ‘I think I’d rather not get married than get married in Nettleton Village Hall and be married by that man.’
Seb ran his tongue along his bottom lip and then said, ‘Isn’t it about us, Anna? I understand about the vicar, but isn’t it about us, rather than where it is?’
She looked from her bubbles back to him, she thought about her book, about the stupid, simple promises she’d made to herself all those years ago. ‘It’s not enough for me.’
‘Christ.’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t know what to do then. We don’t have the money for more. I don’t have the money. I honestly don’t know what to do.’
She leant over the bath, her movements languid still by nature, arms crossed gracefully on the rim, water dripping from her skin. ‘We’ll work something out,’ she said, then nodded furiously to try and convince him and made her eyes go all big and persuasive.
He shook his head and she saw him start to smile, then he pushed away from the sink and took the few steps over to her and kissed the top of her head. ‘Maybe.’
As she heard the sound of the front gate clicking shut through the open window she had a sudden flash of Seb’s phone ringing as she was cutting up her credit cards in their London living room. It was a call to offer him a place at Nettleton High. Fuck, no way! Anna had sneered. But Seb had shrugged and said, I’m not sure we have any other options. What we have here, Anna, it’s not real.
At the time, they had both assumed he was talking lifestyle.
Chapter Five
The next day was another spent in the sweatshop stockroom but Anna, fed up with destroyed skin and dusty hair, was slightly more prepared. She had a green Hennes headscarf to protect her hair, that she had given a little snip that morning to try and maintain the Trevor Sorbie cut as long as possible, and her fuchsia leather gloves, so that however much her hands might sweat, they would protect her nails.
‘You’re not handling priceless antiques, you know,’ Mrs Beedle noted as she clocked the gloves while ambling in to make the tea.
‘Oh I’m well aware of that,’ Anna replied, staring scathingly at the mound of junk before her.
‘Mind your mouth, young lady. I know your trick, do as little as possible and still get paid. Well if you’re not careful, I’ll start paying you by the square foot you clear. That’d get you moving, wouldn’t it?’
Anna glanced at what she’d done so far and realised if that became the case she’d have earned about £2.99.
Mrs Beedle pushed her glasses up her nose and watched as Anna upped her pace a touch. ‘Have you been to see your dad yet, young lady?’
Anna paused, then turned round with a box of novelty teaspoons in her hand. ‘Where should I put these? With the silver or do they warrant a space all of their own?’
Mrs Beedle narrowed her eyes. ‘I take it that’s a no.’ She shook her head. ‘Still a selfish little madam, I see.’ When Anna made no move to reply, she sighed and then said, ‘Put the spoons with the silver. I have to look at a cabinet in Ambercross, it’ll take me what?’ She looked at her watch. ‘Forty minutes. Do you think you can handle it here on your own or should I lock up?’
Anna scoffed. ‘Yes, I think I’ll manage,’ she said, unable to hold down a condescending raise of her brow.
‘I’m not sure.’ Stubby fingers on her hips, Mrs Beedle stared at Anna and then the counter behind her, contemplating the safety of leaving her behind, while Anna tried to remember if a customer had actually come in on the occasions she’d been in the shop.
‘It’ll be fine.’ She waved a gloved hand. ‘I’m good with people.’
It was Mrs Beedle’s turn to scoff. ‘I find that very hard to believe. OK, I’ll try and make it half an hour.’
‘Fine.’ Anna had turned away and focused on the next box to sort through, which seemed to be mainly more horrible old teaspoons each with the name or image of some different tourist landmark on the handle. She thought they were best suited to the bin, but instead tipped them into the box marked Silver, and made a show of moving relatively quickly onto the next one.
As soon as the bell over the door tinkled closed, however, she was out of that room, gloves off, Lapsang Souchong in hand, sitting in the tatty orange armchair and switching the CCTV to Murder She Wrote.
Then she picked up the shop’s phone and called her friend Hermione.
‘Darling.’ Hermione’s cut-glass accent boomed out of the receiver. ‘Hang on, I think there might be a pause, like you’re calling long distance.’
‘You’re hilarious.’
Hermione made a noise between a snort and a laugh at her own joke. ‘I try. How is it there? Have they driven you out of town with pitchforks yet?’
Anna snuggled down in the chair and smiled. ‘They’re just sharpening the prongs.’
‘Tines.’
‘What?’
‘They’re called tines. The prongy bits.’
‘Not on pitchforks.’
‘I think they are. Google it.’
‘I’m not Googling pitchforks.’ Anna took a slurp of tea.
‘So I laughed out loud at my desk when I got your email about having to hang out with Jackie. I can’t believe she’s still there. What’s wrong with people?’ Hermione’s voice clinked in her ears like champagne flutes touching. ‘But, you know what, I was so intrigued I’ve joined too.’
‘Joined what?’
‘Tinder.’
Anna sat up straight, a smile spreading across her face. ‘And have you said yes to anyone yet?’
‘Christ no, they’re all dreadful. All from blood
y Milton Keynes. Ugly and poor.’
Anna snorted a laugh.
‘I just thought though, why should I sit at home in a fucking heatwave and not go on some dates. Especially if even Jackie’s doing it. But I’ve set my lower age limit to forty-five just so I don’t get Smelly Doug,’ Hermione went on.
‘Well no wonder you don’t like any of them.’ Anna casually started flicking through an antiques magazine on the counter.
‘I’m waiting for a silver fox.’ Hermione drawled. ‘I’m looking at them now, there are so many that are so dreadful. You should join.’
‘What?’
‘Just to keep me company while we’re on the phone.’
Anna ignored her and kept on flicking aimlessly through the magazine. ‘I think you should say yes to some even if you aren’t sure, Hermione. Just to warm up.’
Hermione snorted. ‘I’m warm enough thanks, Anna. I don’t want anyone not good enough to think they could have me. I’m not having some old duffer in the pub bragging that Hermione Somers-Brown said yes to the catalogue photo he’d uploaded instead of a picture of himself. Go on, join, it’ll give us something to talk about, otherwise I’m hanging up because I don’t really want to hear any of your depressing Nettleton news.’
Anna shut the magazine and looked around the shop. The idea of being stuck there on her own with nothing to do except sweat buckets in the stockroom and no one to talk to was enough to make her log onto the Vintage Treasure WiFi and download the Tinder app.
‘It links to your Facebook,’ she said after a minute, ‘I can’t do that.’
‘Oh who goes on Facebook any more.’ Hermione waved away her concern.
And as soon as Anna was up and running, any niggles were soon replaced by the sheer joy of happily discarding so many over-eager looking men.
‘Oh Jesus!’ She heard Hermione say, as she was swiping away a snowboarder doing a double thumbs-up for the camera.
