by Paloma Meir
We talked some more. We rolled around the bed, doing the things we liked to do. We stayed up later than usual. I remember thinking that her days as my virginal love were coming to a close. Whatever barriers she had put up in over-thinking the act were slipping away. I had waited patiently, never pushing her. I don’t like to think about it.
She wouldn’t go down to the beach anymore she said as she fell asleep. She meant it too.
That was the last time I was ever with Zelda. She changed after that day at the beach. In the end maybe she was a better Zelda but you’ll never convince me or her that it was worth it. She would have ended up that person anyway.
…
On the day she was raped by the beach I was out with Serge and Brandon at our school practicing our game. I would have spent the day with her but she wanted to spend the day with her brother. She told me to come over on Sunday night for my final Chanukah present. I hoped the gift was her, but I was prepared to accept another house ware item. Zelda and her plans.
We were out all day on the field, trampling each other. Some other friends showed up. It turned into a big game. The day was cold, and the grass was wet. We bashed each other, chasing the ball. We were covered in mud by the end of it. I had destroyed them all.
I called Zelda, no answer. I texted her, no response. I figured she left her phone at home. She was always doing that. I didn’t think too much about it.
I went to lunch with my boys at In N Out in the Valley. Hungry from playing hard we each ordered two burgers each, shakes, fries, all of it. We were loud and dirty. They kicked us out. Brendan dropped me off at home.
I called up and texted Zelda again, still no answer. I figured she was done with her day out with Anthony and walked up to her house. Two weeks until I had my own car. My parents didn’t want me driving until I was seventeen. That was their magic number. I thought about what kind of car I would be getting while I walked to her house.
Random thoughts are too easy to take for granted.
Chapter Fourteen
The week before the big night went by slowly. I couldn’t cut any more class without affecting my ability to pass. The days off had spoiled me. It was even worse for Carolina. John lived so far away from us and he never came to this part of town. I still couldn’t figure out if he liked her or not. Their height difference was startling. John was close to six feet tall, Carolina was five foot two and teeny tiny. He looked like a surf God, she more like an unfinished southern belle.
My obsession with Danny overwhelmed my mind. I was in my own world and didn't ask her many questions about John. Her drama class at school was a big part of her life so she didn’t feel neglected by my lack of concern.
The best part of running out of our sick days was I didn’t have to tell her about my promise to Danny about not going to beach anymore. Our sick days would reset with the new semester, but that was a month away. Anything could happen in that time. Maybe John would move up here? Who knew?
Danny had been correct as always because he was the perfect human being, about John and his friends. Maybe not John, but definitely his friends. They had a scary criminal energy, leaving spray paint and Sharpie marks in their wake. Their clothes fit poorly always hanging off their thin frames and the food they ate, total garbage. Junk food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. No wonder they never went to school. How could anyone think on a diet of trash?
They would try to speak to me sometimes. I kept my responses short and spoke to them in clear English. Although English was the first language of the boys they spoke it in an unrecognizable way. It sounded as if they were texting instead of speaking. It made me appreciate the strict technology rule of my school. It must have been worse for Carolina as she was the queen of all things literate but she never complained. Ever since my slumming remark I didn’t feel right about criticizing others in front of her or anyone else really.
Danny was very busy with school and so was Carolina. It freed me up to be with Veronica and Theodora. I had missed our times together, their extravagances and stories. It was good to be with them outside of school. I told them of my plan for the following Sunday night. They were very excited for me.
...
Saturday morning was busy. I had promised to take Anthony down to Christmas tree lot on Sunset. Our plan was to walk down, pick out a tree and have breakfast at the diner. My tunnel vision with Danny had taken me out of the loop with not only my friends but with my brother.
I used my newfound free time as a way to keep my mind off the big night. Trying to understand the significance of the act was beyond my comprehension. Would this act make our emotional or physical connection stronger? We were already so comfortable with each other, beyond comfort, there wasn’t a word for what we had with each other.
The rules of life had told me since I was a little one that this was a big deal. I would be a woman. People would be able to tell based on a change in my facial expression. I remembered when Veronica had come back from London no longer a virgin. She didn’t tell Theodora or me for a couple of days. We hadn’t noticed anything different. She seemed jet lagged, but that was it. We were her closet friends.
Danny wanted to do it, He never said anything about it, but I could tell from the look in his eyes, the way he would touch me sometimes. He was satisfied and so was I. The fear perplexed my brain. I felt like a traitor to my gender. Blah, I put an end to the questioning that nobody was giving me.
...
Anthony and I were bundled up and ready to go. The phone rang. I couldn’t remember the last time the home phone rang. Anthony and I stared at it, watching it ring as if we had forgotten what a landline phone was for. The lost knowledge clicked for us at the same time, and we ran for it. Anthony got to the phone first.
“Hello,” he said.
“Oh it’s you. Zelda it’s Carolina," He handed me the phone.
“Wow you surprised us. We forgot what a land line was for. We’re walking to the Christmas tree lot. Can I call you later on our mobiles?”
“Sorry. You didn’t answer my calls or texts.”
“I left my phone in my room.”
“Can you do me a favor? I’ll owe you the world.”
“Sure what do you need? Can I do it after the tree thing? I haven’t seen Anthony all week. I missed my monster brother.” He threw a marshmallow at me. I caught it and popped it into my mouth
“This is awful. You have to ditch Anthony. I have to go see John. He’s been really weird the past couple of days. I have to go see him and you have to come with me. We have to go now.” She sounded hysterical.
I looked at Anthony. I wanted to spend time with my brother not make a beach run. It was cold in the hills where we lived. I couldn’t imagine how freezing it would be at the beach. Blah, blah, blah. I had promised Danny I wouldn’t hang out with those drifter kids anymore. One last time for Carolina, I thought to myself. He would understand.
“Hold on.” I said to Carolina and turned to Anthony, “Can we do it tomorrow? Carolina’s having an emergency, is that okay? I’m sorry.”
“It’s not okay. You promised.”
“I didn’t promise. We made plans, are plans promises? I will promise for tomorrow though.”
“No I want you to be with me today. I want to go to the Christmas tree lot. A plan is a promise. I don’t want you to go with Carolina. She ruins everything.”
“Come on Anthony. We’ll go tomorrow.”
“Fine.” He stomped off to his room.
“Meet me outside in five minutes. Bye.” I hung up and ran back to my room to grab a warmer jacket and my cell phone. I was wearing a Danny casual outfit nothing fancy. I considered changing clothes, but decided against it because casual was warmer.
I went outside to Carolina who was already waiting for me.
“Hi.” I said with mild annoyance.
“I’m sorry. I would’ve gone down by myself but... I don’t know. Thank you.”
“It’s fine. I understand. I don’t want you wand
ering around the beach by yourself anyway. Do you know where he is? Has he answered your calls or texts yet?”
“No.”
“Maybe he has the flu? Maybe he lost his phone? I’m sure it’s not a bad sign.” I said though I was uncertain.
We walked down the canyon in silence. I didn’t know what was going on with them. I had thought she hadn’t been talking about it because he wasn’t responding to her the way she wanted. Carolina had a lot of pride. I hadn’t wanted to make her feel bad.
However that day she was upset. I would have to probe her mind. It would be unfair not too. She had always been there for me. Ignoring whatever it was, wasn’t fair to her or our relationship.
“Carolina, two things,” I held my breath for a moment and released, “Danny doesn’t want us, specifically me to do these beach runs anymore. This is the last one and I’m not thrilled at having to tell him that I did it today. Other than John those kids are scary. Maybe even John, he has weird energy. He’s unpredictable. Remember when he was flicking those chips at that sleeping homeless man? It wasn’t funny."
“You laughed.”
“I laughed for the same reason you did, shock. It wasn’t funny.”
She stared at me but didn’t say anything.
“If he likes you he could find a way up here or meet you halfway, like Westwood or something.”
“Westwood?” She laughed.
“Oh stop. You know what I mean.” The bus pulled up, and we got on, sitting down towards the back.
“Drink this and I’ll tell you. It’s your favorite.” She handed me an airline-sized bottle of Kahlua.
“Where did you get that?” I asked while unscrewing the top.
“I stole it from the liquor store. They never notice me when I’m in there.” She laughed, “I’ve been doing it for a while now. I leave lots of change in their tip jar, so don’t worry.” I took a gulp. It was too sweet without the milk. Another gulp, I finished it off anyway. It reminded me of Danny. I wished I were with him instead of this bus on a freezing day with Carolina.
“What do you mean?"
“What?”
“Are you drinking all the time?” I thought of her mother.
“Of course not. Don’t be silly. A little with my lunch at school, how else could I get through my classes? Dull, uninspiring teachers." I felt sick.
“You can’t do that. That’s bad. That’s....” I was scared to say “alcoholism”.
“Oh shut up. You’re so dramatic. A little wine with lunch never hurt anyone.” I found it hard to imagine her toting a bottle of wine to school.
“Really wine?”
“Proverbial wine. It’s Vodka. It’s just a little. I pour a little out from my mom’s bottle, I replace it with water. It’s good for her. I don’t do it every day.” We never directly referred to her mother’s drinking. The day was going wrong, all of it. Why hadn’t I gone to the tree lot with Anthony? I wanted to jump off the bus and run home to be with him.
“Well you can’t do that anymore. It has a biological element...”
“Wow Zelda did you read that in a book? A pretty fancy thought for your pretty little head. Tell me about the “biological element”? Words of wisdom. What else can you tell oh smart one.” Her words were ugly like her mother’s. I got up and moved seats and planned to get off the bus at the next stop. Carolina and I had never had a real argument before. She had never said anything unkind before. I hated this day.
I reached into my purse and pulled out my phone to call Danny. The bus was passing through Beverly Hills. Maybe he could meet me and we could have pizza at Mulberry St and wander around Barney’s. I had never shopped with him before. I was about to press call when Carolina sat down next to me. I dropped my phone in my lap and stared straight ahead.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of that. I’m upset and not with you. It’s John. It’s... I don’t know… ever since you and Danny... I really like John.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“While you and Danny have been having the greatest love of all time, I’ve been doing things I shouldn’t be doing with John behind the bathroom down at the beach.” She looked down at the floor of the bus.
“What? When? We hate when girls do things like that.” I was shocked.
“When you’re lying on the beach. I don’t know. You didn’t notice that we weren’t always with you? I am that girl… Zelda...” Tears fell from her eyes. She wiped them away and then they were gone.
“I’m sorry.” Still in shock I didn’t say anything. Drinking at school, doing things with boys behind a bathroom, where had I been?
“Carolina we’ll make it work. How do we make him like you? Hmmm. You know he probably already does and doesn’t even know. Boys can be stupid. I’m going to fix your hair and make-up. You’ll talk to him when we see him. Be direct. If he doesn’t want that kind of relationship, we’ll go home. That’s it. You don’t get to call him. That will snap some sense in him. If not we’ll find you someone else.” I pulled out my brush and make-up bag. I didn’t have any hair balm with me so I used hand lotion to smooth her unruly hair.
We switched buses twice before we reached Venice. The day was cold and foggy so there weren’t too many people out. We walked along the boardwalk looking for John. The weather hadn’t stopped a few of the skaters, with their wore their saggy jeans and short sleeve t-shirts. I wondered how they weren’t freezing. We spotted John by the skate park and walked over to him.
“Hey Carolina, Zelda. What are you two doing down here?” He put his arms around her.
“We were thinking of getting tattoos.” I said with the realization I was a little tipsy from the Kahlua we drunk on the bus.
“Funny.” He said. They chatted while I looked out at the ocean. The waves were large and frothy white. I wondered if it was the El Nino. No, El Nino was usually in October.
“The waves are big. You two want to walk down to the shore?” He kick flipped his board up to his hands and we walked down to the water. A few of his friends followed. The sand was getting in my shoes. I took them off and put them in my bag. I wished we had brought a towel or a blanket as we sat down on the cold and slightly damp sand.
One of John’s friends had a big bottle of amber colored alcohol. He was scruffy, cute if you liked the beach culture look but he was much older than us. Danny would have had a fit.
“Want some?” He held out the bottle to me.
“What is it?”
“You’re just a babe.” He touched my hair. I pulled away and gave him a stern look. “It’s Tequila. There’s a worm at the bottom. Five bucks if you drink the worm.”
I looked over at Carolina. She was chatting away with John. That was good. I would be friendly to the barbarian for her sake. I grabbed the bottle and took a big gulp. A mistake. Tequila was foul tasting.
“There you go princess. You got it. Get that worm.”
“I’m not drinking the worm.” I laughed. The flavor was strong but the effect, fun. I took another smaller gulp and handed the bottle back to the scruffy man.
“I’m Zelda. What’s your name?"
“Spider.”
“Spider?” I laughed so hard I fell backward on the sand. “Come on what’s your real name?"
“Drink the worm and I’ll tell you.”
“I can’t drink the whole bottle. Your stomach and your heart are only the size of your fists.” He held his fist up to his heart. It was a big fist. I found that hysterical and laughed harder.
“Zelda, John and I are going to run back up to the Boardwalk and get some pizza. Do you want a slice?”
“Okay but stay away from the bathroom.” I couldn’t stop laughing. Carolina gave me a strange look and walked away with John to get our snacks.
The bottle came back to me. The volume was less but still far away from the worm. I considered trying to drain it one big gulp. Yes I would do it. I held the bottle up and poured it into my mouth. Too foul, I laughed and put it down. The tequila spill
ed on my clothes.
“You almost got it little girl. One more gulp and the worm will be yours.” He touched my hair again. I didn’t mind so much this time.
“I have to call my boyfriend. I miss him.” I took my phone out and tried to find him in my contacts but the letters were doubled up. I couldn’t find his name. I tried pressing random numbers.
“Spider you’re my best friend. Could you be a bro...” I laughed even harder at having used the word “bro” “… and call my boyfriend. I miss him. Pretty please call him for me.”
“I’ll give you what you’re missing.” He leaned over to kiss me.
That’s it. Nothingness. Blank. Blank. Blank. It was if I were dead. Time slipped away. In the end it would have been better if I never came back to life again. I went into the darkness as Zelda. I came out as nothing.
“Danny” I screamed as I regained consciousness to discover a familiar face above mine. I was naked spread out on a dirty blanket strewn bed. The man above me was pounding away into me and holding my hands down.
My senses came back slowly, still drunk. Trying to pull myself out of it. The haze of alcohol overpowered me. I screamed again, more awareness. My throat was sore. I knew I had been screaming for a long time.
I pulled myself away from the man on top who smiled darkly, like a devil. He held me down, his penis pounding into my vagina. It hurt. Through my dim double vision I could see out the window to the beach. I cried, I sobbed continuing to say Danny’s name over and over again.
“Shut up you little slut. The princess act doesn’t work here. Danny’s not going to save you.” He held up his arm and hit me full force in the face. I stopped screaming but continued to whimper Danny’s name.
“Zelda, Zelda are you there? Spider it’s John. Are you with Zelda? We can’t find her.” The banging and voices at the door stopped the man mid-thrust. He looked towards the living room through the open bedroom door.
“Yeah, she’s here. Hold on. Gotta get dressed.” He jumped off me. I strained to get up, seeing the blood between my legs made me scream more. He hit me across the head, less hard, more shocking than painful this time, though the ring on his hand cut my head. I tried to get up, but my balance was unreliable. I cried softly to myself saying Danny’s name over and over again.
