by Paloma Meir
“The phrase you so cutely mangled is that ship has sailed.”
“You don’t get to correct me or anyone else ever again.”
“Understood. What do you think I should do?”
“I don’t know… She wanted you to get better and come home. Maybe… just lay off of her. Keep your ugly tongue firmly in your mouth. Listen to her.”
“I like that you’re talking back to me Zelda. Everybody else, they’re walking on eggshells. It’s a bore.”
“You don’t have to tell me about that. My dad gave a credit card without mentioning any restrictions.” She placed her hand over mine. I wanted to pull mine away, but I didn’t, “I have to get back home now. Thank you.”
...
I thought of Serge as I walked towards their front door. I knew I had to make things right with him, but I didn’t know how. I headed up the stairs and in my nervousness opened his door without knocking. I hoped this habit wasn’t part of the new me. I had always prided myself on being well mannered before.
The day was hot, and he sat on his bed in his boxer shorts playing an old guitar. I knew I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn’t for some reason.
“Zelda” He laid the guitar on his bed and stood up to give me a hug. It was nice. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit you.”
I pulled away from him and felt a loss of words. I wanted to run my fingers through the dark hair that hung in his eyes. I could see how girls could like him. “No apologies please. I belong to a group and we have a checklist.”
“A group Zelda?” He laughed.
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry. I would say that even if it weren’t part of my checklist. I’m sorry I said those things. I like when you’re condescending. I know you’re not part of the Patriarchy. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you.”
“It was hard not being there for you Zelda.”
“I know that. Thank you.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek and went back home to finish my schoolwork.
…
I opened my computer to the writing document, and a text box popped up. Keith and Lenny had included me in their chain of knock- knock jokes. It was distracting because the essay held a lot of weight, but I couldn’t help but laugh at their ridiculousness.
Finished with my work, I went to my bathroom to brush my teeth. How had plaque ever felt good? I ran my tongue over my clean teeth and smiled into the mirror. All good.
I got into my cozy bed I had missed so much. My phone rang. I stared at it not knowing whether to answer. I glanced at the name. Lenny. I picked up.
“Hey Zelda. What are you doing?”
“Just getting into bed. It’s so nice to be home. I never thought I would say something like that. Enough of me, me, me blah, what are you doing?”
“You go to sleep early. I'm working on my music. I’m having a little show at a guitar shop in Santa Monica next weekend. I wanted you to come. I’ll play your favorite song.”
“I would love that. Could I bring my girlfriend Carolina?”
“Sure bring some of your other friends if you want too, the more the better for me. Not that that’s why I wanted you to come.”
“Hmmm are you sure?” I asked.
“Of that I am. I’ll let you go now. You sound sleepy. Sweet dreams.”
“Good night.” I put the phone on my bedside table and stared up at my ceiling. The moonlight and wind through the trees cast shadows across it forming a dance of soulful shapes. I drifted off to sleep looking forward to being back at school with Theodora and Veronica.
Chapter Forty-Three
At home I showered, standing under the water as hot as I could take it. I scrubbed. I put my robe on and lay on top of my bed in my room that had nothing but the barest furnishings. I had never felt more alone in my life.
A bolt of lightning hit my head, as I lay on my bed feeling sorry for myself. I wasn’t angry with her. I was angry with myself. I hadn’t protected her. All the questioning of her motives as if she had motives. Treating her like she was at fault for what happened to her. I was amazed she hadn’t had me banned from the rehab.
This ended now, I thought to myself. I jumped out of my bed to throw some clothes on but caught sight of myself in the mirror. The bathrobe was perfect. I looked like a madman, and that’s what I was, frantic. I would win her back.
In front of her house I realized that I was empty handed. The roses up the street. I would steal the roses for her. You can’t be the hero without flowers, or some kind of gift. What was that endless movie she made me watch? Gone With the Wind? What I wouldn’t do for a green bonnet from Paris right now.
I ran to the old people’s garden, dodging behind bushes when lights from cars driving came up or down the road. I pulled the roses. It didn’t work. I was cutting my hands with the thorns as they had done all those years ago. I took out the phone out of my pocket and used it as a flashlight to look for pruners. They had to be out there somewhere. I snuck to the side of their house and found a pair on a bench. I went back out and cut two dozen, all the different colors.
I sat down on the curb and removed the thorns. Nothing would hurt if I were with her. I wiped the specks of blood on my hands off on the inside of my robe. I was going for gallant, not psycho.
At her window I had an urge to run back home. I squashed the coward in me. I tapped on it as I had done so many times. Nothing. I tapped again. She opened the curtains and watched me, unmoving. My heart pounded not knowing if she would let me in. She looked past me on to the street, back to me. She opened the window, letting me in.
“I’m going to make this right Zelda. You’re going to sit down on your bed and listen to me. Not one word from you.” I led her to her bed and kneeled before her.
“You were little, you sat on the bus, this was before Carolina, it was just you. You would sit there staring out the window. What were you looking at? I started sitting next to you, looking out the window, trying to see what you saw. You never looked up at me, ever. Then Carolina came along. I was relieved that you had a friend.” I took her delicate hands into mine and kissed them. She tried to speak. I put my finger up to her full lips.
“I still kept an eye on you. You were a weird kid. If I saw you on the street I would follow you. I didn’t want anything bad to ever happen to you.”
“I’m sounding like a stalker. These things didn’t happen all the time. You switched schools, and I didn’t see much of you. I was relieved not knowing why I took you on that way.” She pulled me up from the floor. I sat beside her. She put her head on my shoulder.
“But I did take you on, and I failed you… in every way. I couldn’t protect you from Spider, and then I couldn’t protect you from yourself --”
“No, don’t say that... It’s the way it had to be. Not the Spider part, but all the rest.” She ran her fingers through my hair, kissing my eyelids, comforting me.
“I failed you on all the rest. I’m not going to let that happen again.”
“In my own way I’m very stubborn…” She paused for a very long time. The room was dark, and I couldn’t see her expression beyond a tear falling down her face that she quickly wiped away, “Anyway… I remember you literally picking me off the ground to care for me. I don’t know how much longer I could have gone on that way. I remember that morning… I so much wanted to be better, but I didn’t know how to make that happen but… There you were.”
“It feeds my ego to hear that, but it’s not true. You did it yourself Zelda.”
“Agree to disagree,” She laughed, and I knew that she wasn’t going to talk about it anymore. Fine with me we had the rest of our lives to figure it out. Yes that’s what I thought, I was seventeen, but that’s the way I thought, and really it wasn’t that far off from the truth, “I’m assuming you broke up with Liza?”
“When I saw you drive by with that texting guitar playing singer.”
“That’s all it took? I had hoped it was my speech” She kissed me to stop me from talking. I didn’t mind.
>
“You looked so right with him. You were going to slip away.”
“Why didn’t you say something before that awful run?”
“You were acting strange. I thought I lost you already. Then the text...”
“All that following me around, one would think you would have known me better.”
“I love you.”
“In the end all those women’s magazines were right.”
“That’s not the response I was looking for.”
“I love you my darling. The roses are decorations for… You’re going to take the bad memory away?” She sat up and scattered them across the bed. She noticed I had removed all the thorns.
“Yes but only if you’re ready.”
“Ready...”
I pulled the nightgown over her head, and we were golden.
About the Author
Paloma Meir lives with her family by the beach in Los Angeles. When she's not taking long walks she likes to writes sordid and tortured stories of people in love. You can find out more about her on her blog www.palomameir.com. She loves her family, writing books, reading books, dresses and Twitter.
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An excerpt from Overdone (The Loss Reason) by Paloma Meir
“Danny time to wake–up. I need to go home and change. Will you drive me to the airport? My flight leaves at 4:00.” She stood beside the bed dressed in her clothes from the night before. Her long hair hung in loose waves down her back. I pulled her back down to the bed and kissed her.
“You don’t need to go back. There are services that will pack up your things and ship them back.” She looked at me with a smile on her face and confusion in her eyes.
“I’m not coming back Danny. Madrid is my home.” She leaned down to kiss me again. I shook my head away.
“I’m missing something. What was last night?”
“A night I will remember forever.” She ran her finger down my chest, still with the smile on her face.
“You’re staying here Zelda. You told me last night, I don’t know, maybe 100 times that you loved me.” I said with a little more intensity than I meant to use.
“Of course I love you. I’ll always love you. Love doesn’t die.”
“I don’t know what’s going on in your head but you love me now. Forget forever. Now.” I took her finger off my chest and held it in my hand. I needed to get her attention, put some sense in her head.
“Paolo and I are thinking of getting married.”
“Have you lost your mind? Why would you come here and do this if you were only going to go away and marry him?” I didn’t know if it was from the beer the night before or her insane worldview but I felt nauseous.
“Paolo and I have an understanding. Don’t be so American.”
“I am American. How many times have you called me your American boy? By the way Ms. European Princess you grew-up up the street from me. You lived on pizza for half your life. You’re American. How many men do you do this with? Who are you Zelda?” She flinched at the word princess. I was so mad that I didn’t care.
“I don’t do it. It’s Paolo. Well one time when I went to meet Theodora in Barcelona. I have to tell you the story... You’ll think it’s funny.” Why would she think I would think that’s funny?
“It’s only Paolo. You mean that old man you’ve been with for the past five years? The man older than your mother? You’ve always lived in your head. Listen to me Zelda. Hear me. Paolo is an asshole who doesn’t respect you.” I banged the wall behind me with the full force of my fist, scaring her for a moment. Again I didn’t care. “Why did you come back to me?”
“He’s a year younger than my mother. You don’t understand. It’s the way things are done there. I’m sorry. Your mom told me you’re a wild one now. I didn’t think that you would reattach to me. I miss you so much sometimes.” Her eyes filled with tears. I pulled her close to me and hugged her because I fucking loved her.
“You miss me because you’re meant to be with me.” I kissed her forehead and ran my hand through her tangled hair.
“We don’t want the same things. I don’t want to live in Malibu. This isn’t my city. We had our time.” I didn’t want to think about what may or may not have been true about what she had said. All I knew was I didn’t want her to go.
I laid her back to the bed, this time gently and made love to her one last time knowing this was it. If she came back I wouldn’t see her. There was no reason for me to ever go to Spain in my life. There were 47 other countries in Europe if I ever had a desire to travel to that part of the world.
She was quiet as I said over and over again I loved her and didn’t want to be without her.
“Can I tell you about Barcelona? Would that be all right? You’ll like the story Danny.” She asked as we lay curled up against one another finished. Her arm warmly stretched across my chest where it belonged.
“I don’t want to hear about you and another man.”
“It’s not like that. I mean that’s what happened, but that wasn’t the point.”
“Why don’t we just lay next to each other and enjoy our last moments together?”
“No.”
“I missed your one word answers.”
“Thank you. I hadn’t seen Theodora in such a long time. She lives in Paris, which isn’t too far away, but our plans never worked out. Her Dad was having a show in Barcelona. We met for a week at the most beautiful hotel overlooking the Marina. We should... never mind. Every morning we went down to the cafe for breakfast and the waiter.”
“A waiter Zelda? You had sex with a waiter?” I didn’t want to hear another word of her story.
“Shush where was I? He would stand over me as I ate my breakfast, making sure I liked it, checking that my orange juice was topped off, that kind of thing. On the last morning before I was to go back to Madrid a group of German tourists tried to sit with us. They were very aggressive about it. He kicked them out. I took a good look at him after that, he was a dark version of you. He looked exactly like you Danny,” She sat up with a big smile on her face, excited as if she thought I would be too. “But with brown eyes instead of your beautiful blue.”
“Please don’t finish your story.”
“Stop that. I looked at him and I missed you so much. It hurt my heart badly. I hadn’t thought of you in that way in so long.” She sighed and shook her head. “After breakfast I handed him my room card and told him my room number. He was up with me within the hour. He was quick and mannish like a bull, nothing like you in the end. That’s my story.”
“I don’t know why you had to tell me that.” I had an urge to fly into Barcelona, find the waiter, destroy him.
“It felt like a secret. I don’t want to have any secrets with you.” Squeeze my heart a little tighter next time Zelda. I wrapped my arms tightly around her, forcing my mind to find an angle to keep her with me.
“Have you ever thought that you had a father complex? Forget about me wanting you to stay. Why go back to that old man? Stay with me.”
“You just said to forget about you wanting me to stay.” She kissed my chest, running her lips downward. I pulled her up.
“No. We are not doing that again. You’re making a mistake. You’re only 25. That’s too young to marry anyone.”
“It’s my birthday today. I’m 26.” She ran her lips down my chest again.
Eleven years she had been on my mind, in my heart. I wasn’t even going to bother adding all the years I watched her, wanting to be with her. It felt like my entire life.
“Will you drive me to the airport?” She crawled back up to me and rested her head on my chest.
“No but I’ll walk you back up to your parents house. My car is up there anyway.” I willed myself to let go of her.
“You’re walking me
up there because your cars is there? I can walk myself, thank you.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Letting go? It wasn’t working.
“I know I was kidding.” She put her clothes back on, “Time to get up Danny. What are we going to say to your parents if we see them? I feel like a teenager again.”
“We’ll say good morning. Zelda I don’t want you to go. You’re making a mistake. Stay with me. We’ll figure it out.” Didn’t work at all.
“Let’s not talk about it anymore.”
We made it out of my house and to hers in silence without seeing anyone.
“I’ll try to come out more often,” She said as we stood on the doorstep of her parent’s home.
“Every three years instead of five?” She was breaking me in two.
“I could come home for the holidays.” She carried on, not getting it at all.
“Do you hear yourself? What kind of life are you planning? Fly out for your annual Danny fuck? I’m not going to see you again. I don’t understand you. I don’t think you understand yourself. You can’t have it both ways. Nobody can.” I kissed her for what I thought would be the last time.
“You’re right. I lost my head for a moment. Good-bye Danny.” She closed the door, leaving me alone on her doorstep. I stood for a moment frozen, lost. With a powerful shake of my head, I turned and walked down to my car. I headed down Sunset at lightning speed, turned right on PCH and drove straight up the coast to Marin County to visit my brother.
Book Three
An excerpt from the companion book to A Girl’s Story and Overdone (The Loss of Reason) by Paloma Meir
I stopped in the hallway to watch Zelda pace back and forth while texting. She had an exasperated expression on her face and threw her phone on the bed and shoved a box with her foot towards the door.
“Zelda, what’s wrong?” I asked as I made my way down the hallway.
