by Wicks, Becky
'Izzy, you didn't have to come in here,' Ben says, putting his other arm around me and sighing into my hair.
'Sorry,' I tell him. He still smells like the ocean. I pull out of his embrace, step away from him, swallowing the lump in my throat. Justin's looking at us; so are the Thai couple next to us. I walk straight past them all, back to the entrance and Ben follows me outside.
'Maybe I didn't want to see that,' I say, swiping at my cheeks again. I'm a mess. Being here is like riding a fucking rolling coaster. I cover my face with my hands, take deep breaths. Colin's voice flies back into my head, telling me he's proud of me for facing this, finally. But Ben's right, it's still all so raw. I don't know how he does it; how any of these people do it. How the hell am I going to see that wall at the other end of Khao Lak; see mom and dad smiling back at me from a plaque?
'Let's go to the police boat.' I say, quickly, before I can crumble again.
'Are you sure?' Ben says, looking at me in concern as Justin joins him. He puts a hand to my cheek, turning me to him. 'Izzy, we really don't have to. Maybe it's too soon.'
'It's just a boat. Let's go.' I turn away, follow the couple who've just walked out and asked the sari lady for directions. We walk there in minutes, under a giant archway and onto a series of what look like concrete semi-circles interwoven with grass. The boat is sitting on its blocks, regal and proud as a hero. Again, it's different to what I imagined. I saw this boat right after it happened. It was sitting right here, but in an obliterated mess of splintered metal and shattered glass and the framework of a hundred buildings. Police Boat 813.
We walk over to it in silence. 'It was swept all this way, from the sea?' Justin says incredulously.
'It was a mile out when it happened, anchored,' Ben says. I realize his fists are clenched to his sides as he talks; clenching and unclenching. He keeps looking at me, expecting me to break I assume. I wish we were alone. I want to talk to him about what happened before at the school, and about the other memorial. I want to know if Toby and Charlie are there on that wall too, with my mom and dad, and whether he's seen the photos. I want to ask him how the hell he survived that dive; even though I know I can't, not again. He doesn't want to tell me.
It's hard to imagine this is the exact same spot I stood before, in the rubble, searching. I don't think Justin has any idea what he's really looking at. He's holding his phone again now, snapping photos at the white numbers on the boat's gray metal side; the way its nose is pointed slightly upwards like a sick, beached shark.
'It was guarding the king's son when the tsunami happened,' Ben tells him. 'He was jet-skiing.'
'No shit, the king's son has to jet ski with the regular people?' Justin grins.
'He died,' I snap. 'Like two hundred and thirty thousand others.'
'Shit, Izzy I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be a dick,' he says straight away. 'I didn't know he died.' He puts a hand to his goatee awkwardly, looks away.
I take a deep breath. I know he wasn't there so he couldn't understand, and I know I'm bitchy 'cause I'm angry and emotional, but my own fists are clenched now. I can't go to that wall memorial today; I just can't do it, especially not when he's with us.
We walk around the boat in silence, under the blazing sun. Justin shoots some video and talks over it and I bite my tongue. I know Ben probably only invited Justin to the school with us to keep Kalaya off his back. It's obvious she doesn't want us being alone.
Thinking of Kalaya only adds to the nausea I feel being in this place. I'm sure Ben really likes her; she's really pretty and clever and funny too, but the way she looks at him, it's almost like she wants to lock him in a cage and cover it up with a big black sheet. When we all walked back from Pete's last night, I've never felt more like a gooseberry in my life. She made a point of smiling and waving from his porch before she followed him inside and shut the door. I had to pretend to myself that I wasn't in a hut on a beach for the first time since the tsunami, and that Ben wasn't having sex just seconds away. It wasn't easy. I had to put my music on very loud to fall asleep.
I'm definitely going to Bali ASAP.
But I can't. I offered to teach at the school.
My heart plummets as I look at Ben. He looks deep in thought now, staring at the boat. I want to stay, but I don't. I'm being pulled and pushed away all over again.
BEN
'Come on, please, mom,' I begged her, holding the dive shop phone in my sandy hand and trying to keep my voice as quiet as I could. The guys getting the equipment ready with Charlie were looking at me and laughing anyway. Van, Tee and Dao were the coolest; three local Thais, all in their twenties. I kind of idolized them, not least because they'd given me a beer the night before on the beach. I'd never been given beer by an adult before.
'Let me talk to your uncle,' my mom said. I could picture her sitting on the couch back home in D.C, painting her nails, half watching a Christmas movie with Cookie Cat draped over her lap.
'He's busy,' I told her. 'Mom, he needs to go in the ocean - it's the only way he can fully qualify!'
'He's too young, Benjamin, he's ten!'
'I was ten when I got my PADI,' I argued.
'I was in the boat with you, in La Jolla.'
'It's even nicer here, and we're totally safe!'
She sighed. 'Put Charlie on the phone.'
I bit my tongue. I knew I shouldn't push it. But Charlie was halfway down the beach with a tank on his back, helping a group of tourists off on a Christmas Day dive. I figured I could handle her, maybe with a little guilt trip.
'Listen, mom, please, we're only going down to nine meters, he'll be with a group of us. If you don't let him go you'll break his heart, he's been working really hard. He's taken all the textbook tests! And it's Christmas!'
Toby bounced up to me from where he'd been collecting shells again with a German kid. His face was streaked with sunscreen. 'Is that mom?' he asked. I nodded, fixing a happier look to my face. I didn't want Toby to know mom was trying to forbid his dive. He was so excited to get out there. He wanted to do everything me and Charlie did, and more.
'Tell Toby he's not going,' mom said, hearing my brother's voice no doubt. 'He can do the other part in La Jolla like you did. I'll go with him.'
'Mom, you can't half qualify for an Open Water,' I told her, 'you have to start over if you don't finish it!'
'Well you should have thought about that first,' she retorted. 'I said you could dive, Ben. I never said Toby could.'
'What's going on?' Charlie walked back over in his faded red Little Corn Dive T-shirt. His eyes were narrowed. 'Is that your mother?'
I held the phone out to him and he rolled his eyes, flashed me a look that told me he would handle it. 'What's up sis?' he said into the receiver.
I steered Toby away as they talked, back onto the beach, distracted him and the German kid with the frisbee. 'What's mom mad about?' he asked me, big eyes all worried.
'Nothing, don't worry about it. She misses you.'
'She has Glenn,' Toby said, wrinkling his pink nose. Neither of us were fans of mom's new husband, really. Glenn was a rich attorney who'd given her the life she'd always wanted; one with too much time on her hands and not too much to fill it with. He was never really around, himself. The result was a whole lot of her fussing over us, her only sons, and an obsession with her new ginger cat.
Charlie ran up a few minutes later, caught the frisbee Toby had thrown back at me. I watched his muscles in his shirt stretching out the anchor tattoo on his forearm as he whizzed it back at him over my head. 'Hey!' I yelled and he drummed on his chest like a baboon in front of me, sticking out his tongue.
'King of the Frisbeeeeeee!' he boomed. 'You gotta be faster, kid.'
Uncle Charlie was the strongest and craziest person I knew. Spending time with him was my favorite thing in the world... at least, it was before I met Izzy. He'd been a Marine for a long time, but he was injured in action. That's when he took up scuba diving full time. He was the total opposite to my m
om, even though he was only older by two years. He said as kids, mom went to an all-girl's school and got taught manners and social conformity, whereas Charlie skipped class whenever he could to make a profit selling baseball cards and bulk-bought candy bars. He was my hero.
'So can Toby come tomorrow?' I asked him, watching the German kid leaping high to catch the frisbee, and missing it.
Charlie rolled his eyes again, pulled a face against the sun. 'I didn't press the issue, it's Christmas Day,' he said. But he threw me a wink. 'What your mom doesn't know won't hurt her.'
*
'Are you OK?' Izzy puts a hand to my arm and I'm pulled to the present. Justin's done filming the boat and he's now squinting into his phone again.
'I'm good, do you want to go?' I say, clearing my throat. She nods and I lead the way back to the archway, back to where we left the bikes. 'I haven't been here in a while,' I explain when I see she's still looking at me with trepidation. Did it show on my face how much I hate it, still? Seeing the boat brings everything back every time. Maybe it's the connection to the dive boat.
'Thank you for bringing me,' she says. I force a smile to my face, forcing all the memories out. We're here, and Izzy's here, and I'll be damned if her whole trip's going to be a depressing flashback. I pick up the helmets again, hand her hers. Then I hand her the keys.
'Your turn,' I tell her. Justin laughs behind us, climbs onto his bike.
Izzy looks shocked. 'What?'
'You didn't think you were going to come all the way to Thailand and get away with not riding a scooter, did you?' I pat the seat.
'Ben, I don't think I should,' she says. 'I haven't ridden one before.'
'You can ride a bicycle, can't you?' Justin says, starting his engine. 'It's exactly the same, just with no pedals.'
'Yeah right!' Izzy grimaces, but she takes the keys I'm handing her.
'Come on, get on,' I say. 'You'll love it. You'll be hooked! It's better than your bloody tube.'
'I told you not to do that accent again,' she scolds, but she's smiling.
'Get on!' I say.
'OK, OK!' She swings her leg over the seat and grips the handlebars. Her feet land on the dirt either side. Her cheeks are flushed.
'You can practice on this strip,' I tell her, pointing to the empty track beside us. I notice the sari lady and the DVD guy both looking at us in intrigue. I grin at them and wave. 'You have an audience!'
'Great,' she says as I flip the stand up under her flip flop.
'Adjust your mirrors. Put the key in the ignition,' I tell her, 'and keep your hand on the brake while you start it up. It's important you keep your hand on the brake, OK? Else you'll shoot off when you accelerate.'
She looks nervous again now but I can see in her face she also wants to do it. 'It's easy babe,' Justin says, pulling out beside her on his bike and moving off slowly. 'See?'
Izzy lets out a strangled sound, but she fixes the mirrors, turns the key. The bike splutters to life and she jumps, but steadies herself. 'Stay calm,' I tell her, walking up close and putting my own hands over hers. They're warm and small. I squeeze her fingers over the left brake. Her soft hair brushes my face. 'When you're ready, release and pull out slowly. Follow Justin.'
I let her go. She does as I say and the look on her face inside the helmet is pure determination. She starts slow as a snail. 'Take your hand off the brake when you're comfortable,' I tell her, stepping back. She's still moving slowly, but Justin's circling the parking space, waiting.
In three seconds, Izzy's right behind him, moving at a regular speed. 'Whoo hooooo!' Justin hollers. I do the same and so does the DVD guy behind me. An elated grin spreads across her face and does weird things to my insides as she looks at me. 'Go up the trail, then come back,' I say. I watch them go, Justin still hollering ahead of her, honking his horn.
She's careful and I can tell she's nervous, but she's clearly loving it. After a few minutes of riding up and down the trail, gaining speed every time, she pulls up next to me again, flips the stand back down. 'Wow!' The engine cuts automatically. I can almost feel the excitement and adrenaline radiating off her. 'Wow, that was so amazing,' she beams. 'Oh my God, I've never done that before! You're right, it's quite easy.'
'Told you, it's a bicycle without the pedals,' Justin grins.
'I can hire you one of your own if you want,' I tell her shining eyes. The way she says quite is so cute. 'Practice by the resort, then use it to get to the school while I'm diving. You can check out the other beaches, and the town...'
'I will, that sounds good,' she says, and I notice she can't keep the smile off her face now as she scans my eyes. I'm addicted to her smile already; it was always kryptonite, like the beckoning pools of her eyes. I've missed her. I want her to stay. I know she's always thinking of leaving but I can't let her, yet.
Justin's watching us with an eyebrow raised, holding up his phone, taking a photo of us. He winks at me afterwards. Izzy hasn't noticed and I don't tell her. 'There's another memorial called the Stabile, too,' I say quickly, motioning for her to scoot backwards so I can climb on the bike in front of her. 'Some abstract geometrical sculpture thing - I don't really know what it's supposed to be. I'm not sure anyone knows but it's a bunch of stainless steel posts sticking up into the sky. Do you want to see it?'
Justin tries to hide it but I catch him pulling a face. I can tell he's bored with memorials. I've seen so many people here like Justin; easy-going, here for the infamous Thai hospitality but oblivious when it comes to the mass graveyard they're actually vacationing in. It's depressing as hell, thinking about it, but to those of us who live here the tragedy still hovers in the air like the birds. When people like him can't see that, it can throw a pretty big barrier up sometimes.
There's also the fact that Justin's starting to irritate me in general.
Izzy shakes her head anyway, presses her cheek to my back and loops her arms around me. 'Not today, if that's OK. Can we do something more... fun?'
Thank God. 'Fun I can do,' I tell her, starting the bike and revving the engine dramatically. 'Maybe you forgot, but I am all about the fun, Isla Sullivan. Now hold on tight.'
ISLA
'Do you remember this place?' Ben asks me. He's leading us all down a stony path on foot, surrounded by swaying green trees. I can see the thick, muggy jungle getting darker right ahead of us. More yellow butterflies are flitting around bushes and the distant rush of a waterfall primes my instincts. Usually that sound would freak me out, but I'm still high on adrenaline and I know where he's taking us.
'We came here on our pushbikes, right? With your uncle and Van, and Tee,' I say, breathing in the mossy smell of the undergrowth and following Ben into the shade. I run a hand across my forehead. We're all so sticky now, away from the ocean breeze.
'That's right,' Ben says. 'It should be quiet now there aren't so many tourists.'
'You still come here with the guys?' I say. I remember how the dive shop workers joined us one afternoon with their music blasting and their beers in a plastic bag. They tied the bag to a branch in the water to keep the cans cold. We felt so grown up, just being with them.
'I come with Dao sometimes,' he answers. 'Van and Tee are gone.'
'Oh.' I grate my teeth. I know what he means by gone.
The jungle is towering over us in all directions. The sound of the crickets is so loud I can barely hear the birds. 'There aren't any venomous snakes in here, are there?' Justin asks from behind me. We're heading downwards now.
'I thought you'd be used to snakes, living in Australia,' Ben replies. He's stepping over a fallen palm branch and he stops to help me over it too.
'We don't see snakes in Sydney,' Justin clarifies, stopping to rest a hand on a tree trunk and swipe a hand over his head and goatee. 'Or kangaroos, or emus, or those funny hats with the corks on. Shame about those, I would've bought one with me. Mozzies here are killer.'
I smile. Justin's shirt is soaked, he's got his backpack on his back and he's swiggin
g from one of the huge bottles of water we stopped to buy. We're just a few miles from the main road at Bang Niang and the first time we came here Ben and I jumped off the rocks about ten meters above the pool while Charlie whooped from the bottom, filming us all on his video camera.
'I can't believe we're back here,' I say incredulously, following him down, down, down till we emerge in the clearing. It's exactly how I remember it. 'Wow.'
'Wow is right!' Justin drops his backpack on the pebbly ground and peels off his T-shirt. In three seconds flat he's in the water, swimming arm over arm towards the frothy white falls. He yells out to us from the flow, whooping the way he does before disappearing behind it.
'It doesn't change,' Ben says. 'Except when the rains come. In a few weeks it'll be too dangerous.' He's peeling off his own T-shirt now and I can't not look at the sweat glistening on his abs as he pulls it over his head, or the ever-so-fine line of sandy hair snaking down from his belly button into his board shorts. Jesus.
He pulls off his hat, pulls his phone out of his pocket. 'Coming in?'
'Go ahead, I'll follow,' I say, swallowing as it hits me how hard I'm staring. 'I can't jump, though.'
'You don't have to. Is this OK? Being by the water I mean?' He puts his stuff on the ground, looks at me in concern.
'It's fine, it's not the ocean,' I tell him and he nods in understanding. He must notice me squinting into the sun, too, because he takes his glasses off and puts them over my ears. His fingers brush my hair for a second and the gesture, plus his proximity and semi-naked status sends tingles from my nose down to my toes. The shades are too big but I hold them in place and watch as he wades in, then darts off a rock and goes under.
I look around at the scene again through UV filters. It's like something from a postcard; all brown glimmering rocks and jade green flora, and the iridescent allure of the pool that was cold enough to chill Changs that time. There are lots of waterfalls around Khao Lak but this one was our favorite. It was the easiest trek from the road, the best jump from the top, with the nicest rocks to climb and the deepest pool to land in. We had it all figured out.
