by Irene Hannon
The woman smiled indulgently. “Twenty-two years, Reverend.”
“That’s right, twenty-two years. She keeps my professional life in order. I’d be lost without her. Margaret, Kate Nolan.”
They exchanged greetings, then the minister ushered his visitor into the office and closed the door. “I know you’re on a tight schedule, Kate. Please make yourself comfortable.” He indicated a small sitting area off to one side. “Can I offer you some coffee?”
“No, thanks. I’ve had my one cup for the day. My husband was the real coffee drinker in the family,” she said, her lips curving up in affectionate remembrance.
Reverend Jacobs filled a mug and sat in a chair at right angles to hers. “Would you mind telling me a little bit about him, Kate? I can see that he’s still a very important part of your life. I have a feeling that to know you, I also need to know him.”
“I—I hardly know where to begin, Reverend,” she faltered, her smile fading.
“How about telling me how you met?”
Under his gentle questioning, Kate found herself recounting their first meeting, courtship and eventual engagement. Halting phrases eventually gave way to a flood of words as she spoke about their wedding, their early years as a married couple, and their joy at Sarah’s birth. Only when she came to the accident, the subsequent seven-month nightmare and her feelings of confusion and abandonment, did she once more struggle to find words.
“At first I refused to accept the prognosis,” she said, her voice subdued and laced with pain. “I just couldn’t believe the Lord would allow Jack to be paralyzed or to…to die. I prayed constantly, not only for my sake, but for Sarah’s. I didn’t want her to grow up without a father. I had faith, and every time I went to the hospital I believed there would be a breakthrough. But the months went by with no change, and eventually Jack was moved to a long-term-care facility. That’s when I began to lose hope. Seven months after the accident, he died.”
“Tell me about how you felt then, Kate,” Reverend Jacobs said gently.
She lifted her shoulders wearily. “Numb. Devastated. Angry. Guilty. Confused. A whole tangle of emotions. I still feel a lot of them.”
“Can you talk to me about the anger and guilt?”
She drew a deep breath. “I was angry at God,” she said slowly. “I still am. And I was angry at Jack—which was totally illogical and only made me feel guilty. The accident wasn’t his fault. But I still felt as if he’d deserted me. And then I kept thinking, if only he’d worn his seat belt. I should have reminded him to buckle up. I usually did. But it just didn’t occur to me that night. So that added to the guilt.”
“None of those feelings are abnormal, Kate. I experienced many of them myself when my wife died. I felt guilty, too, thinking that if only I’d insisted she go to the doctor sooner, she might have lived. And when she died, I was angry. She was taken from me just when we were reaching the stage in our lives when we’d planned to travel and spend more time together. All of the thoughts and emotions you mentioned are part of the natural grieving process. Knowing that others have gone through the same things often helps. Have you shared your feelings with anyone?”
“No. I just…couldn’t find the words. And then I kept trying to figure out why God would take Jack from us. It just didn’t make sense. I began to think that maybe…maybe I was being punished for something I did wrong,” she said in a small voice.
The minister nodded sympathetically. “People often feel as you did when they lose someone they love—that it’s their own fault in some way. But that’s not the case, Kate. Jack’s death had nothing to do with you. It was simply his time to go to the Lord. We can spend our lives asking why about such things, but that’s an exercise in futility. The better path is to simply let go and admit that even though we can’t understand the Lord’s ways, we accept them. That’s the only way to find peace in this world. But it’s not always easy.”
She nodded, and hot tears welled in her eyes. “I know. I’ve been trying to find that peace for a long time.”
“You took a good first step today.”
Kate shook her head sadly. “I’m not sure about that, Reverend. To be frank, I only came because I’m desperate. You found peace because your faith is strong. Mine isn’t, or it would have sustained me through this trial. Instead, it died with Jack. So I guess on top of everything else, I’ve failed God.” Her voice broke on the last word.
Reverend Jacobs leaned forward intently. “Let me tell you something, Kate. Doubts and despair don’t make you a bad person. They just mean you’re human. That’s how the Lord created us, with all the weaknesses and frailties that entails. He doesn’t expect perfection. He knows we stumble and lose our way. In fact, the history of Christianity is filled with holy men and women who experienced a dark night of the soul at some point in their lives. The Lord didn’t disown them because of that, even when they disowned Him. He just patiently waited for them to come home. That’s the beauty of our faith, Kate. The Lord is always ready to welcome us back, no matter how far we wander, once we open our hearts to Him.”
Kate saw nothing but sincerity and compassion in the minister’s eyes, and a little flicker of hope leaped to life in her soul. “I’d like to believe that, Reverend. I’d like to try to find my way back. But I—I don’t know how.”
“As I said, you’ve already taken the first step by coming here today. And I’ll do all I can to help you. May I also suggest that you join your lovely little girl at Sunday services? Just hearing the words of Scripture may offer you some comfort and guidance. You probably won’t find what you’re seeking in one or two visits, but if you persist, in God’s time you will.”
Kate wasn’t convinced. But clearly Reverend Jacobs was. And her faith had been important to her at one time. Perhaps, with the minister’s help, it could be again.
Kate nervously adjusted the belt on her navy blue knit dress, then ran a brush through her hair. She knew Eric would be surprised when he discovered he had two guests for services today. She probably should have called and warned him. But she hadn’t decided for sure about going until this morning. And besides, he had told her she was welcome anytime. She hoped that was still true, considering she hadn’t heard from him since the night of the dinner dance, a week before. But then, why should she? Their outings had been defined as “favors,” not dates. He probably didn’t need any more of those. Neither of them was in the market for romance, but she had hoped that maybe they could be friends.
The doorbell interrupted her thoughts, and she headed toward the living room. “I’ll get it,” she told Sarah as she passed the bathroom. “You finish up those teeth.”
When she reached the door, she took a deep breath to steady her suddenly rapid pulse, then smiled before she pulled it open. “Good morning, Eric.”
His own smile of welcome turned into a look of inquiry as his gaze swept over her. “You’re awfully dressed up for grading papers.”
She flushed. “Actually, I thought I might— That is, if the invitation is still open I’d like to join you for church today.”
For a brief moment before he shuttered his emotions she thought she saw a flash of apprehension—and dismay—in his eyes, and her stomach clenched painfully. She stepped aside to let him enter, then turned to face him nervously.
“I stopped by to see Reverend Jacobs Friday after school, and we had a long talk. You were right. He’s a good listener. I felt better about…about a lot of things after we spoke. He suggested I try coming back to church, so I decided to join you today, if that’s okay.”
“Mom will be delighted.”
A telling response, she reflected, suddenly acutely embarrassed. His mother would be delighted. Not him. She hadn’t imagined his reluctance. For some reason he was pulling back, retreating from the relationship he’d initiated with her, she realized as a flush rose to her cheeks.
“Listen, Eric, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. After all, I have my own car. It isn’t as if we have to go t
ogether. I don’t want to impose and take you out of your way when there’s no need. I should have called you earlier and just said we’d see you there. I’m sorry to—”
The words died in her throat as he reached over and touched her arm.
“Kate.”
She stared at him with wide, uncertain eyes. He looked down at her, frowning. She’d obviously picked up on his sudden discomfort, he realized. His resolve to stay away from her was shaky at best, but he’d figured it would hold if he just stopped by once a week to pick up Sarah and only saw Kate long enough to say hello. Her unexpected decision to go to church complicated things tremendously. But that was his problem. He had invited her to join them. She didn’t strike him as the kind of woman who reached out easily, and his response had been far from enthusiastic. He needed to reassure her without telling her the real reason for his hesitation.
“You surprised me, that’s all. I think it’s great you’ve decided to go back to church.”
She looked into his eyes, searching for the consternation she’d seen earlier, but it was gone. Had she imagined it? she wondered in confusion.
“We can go on our own in the future,” she offered, her voice still uncertain. “I just thought it might be easier this first time to be with people we know.”
His hand still rested on her arm, and its warmth seeped through the thin fabric of her dress as he gave her a gentle squeeze. “We’ll talk about the future later, okay? Let’s just worry about today for now.”
It was a vague answer, but his voice was kind and his smile genuine. Besides, the future might not even be an issue. She might never go back to church again. She wasn’t convinced that it would make that much difference, despite Reverend Jacobs’s confidence.
But half an hour later, sitting in a pew beside Eric, she had the oddest sense of homecoming. As she listened to the words of Scripture, joined in the old familiar hymns and reflected on the sermon appropriately titled “All You Must Do Is Knock,” she was surprised at just how much the experience touched her heart. And Reverend Jacobs’s warm greeting afterward made her feel good—and welcome.
“I’m so glad you came, Kate,” he said, taking her hand in a firm grip.
“So am I.”
“Eric, Anna, good to see you both. Hello, Sarah.”
“Hello,” the little girl said shyly, staying close beside Kate.
“You know, I bet you’d enjoy our Sunday school,” he told the youngster before turning back to Kate. “The fall session is just starting. Sarah would be most welcome.”
“Thank you. I’ll think about it.”
“Just give us a call if you’d like to enroll her.”
They moved on then, so others could speak with the minister, and she reached for Sarah’s hand as Eric cupped her elbow.
“You’ll join us for breakfast, won’t you?”
“Can we, Mommy?” Sarah asked eagerly.
Kate glanced quickly at Eric, but his face was unreadable.
“Of course you can,” Anna chimed in. “We won’t take no for an answer, will we, Eric?”
“Absolutely not,” he replied firmly.
“I really don’t want to intrude on your time together,” Kate protested.
“It’s three-to-one, Kate,” Eric said with a smile that made her feel warm all over. “Give it up.”
She swallowed. “Okay, you win. For today, anyway.”
“Oh, goody!” Sarah exclaimed, hopping from one foot to the other. “Can I have pancakes?” she asked Eric.
“Of course.”
“This is the best Sunday I can ever remember,” she declared happily.
Kate didn’t respond. It was one of her best Sundays in a long time, too. But she had an uncomfortable feeling that it wasn’t one of Eric’s. And for some reason that made her spirits, which had been buoyed by the church service, take a sudden nosedive.
“Did you and Kate have some sort of misunderstanding?”
Eric frowned and positioned the phone more comfortably against his ear as he closed the chart in front of him. “Hello, Mom,” he replied wryly.
“Oh. Hello. Well, did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Have a misunderstanding with Kate,” she repeated impatiently.
“No.”
“Then why won’t she go to church with us this Sunday?”
Eric’s frown deepened. “You mean she isn’t?”
“No. She stayed for a cup of tea today when she picked up Sarah and told me that they would be going by themselves from now on, and to please let you know and thank you for all your help.”
Kate had obviously picked up on his momentary panic last Sunday when she’d announced that she was going to accompany them. But maybe that was for the best, he reasoned. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t afford to get too close, because if he did, they could both be hurt. Badly. Given his marital status and the demands of his profession—which had ruined one marriage already—she was a temptation he didn’t need.
“Eric? Are you still there?” his mother prompted.
“Yes.”
“So did something happen between you two to upset her?”
“I haven’t even talked to her all week, Mom.”
“Why not?”
“I hardly know her.”
“Well, I’d hoped you’d be trying to remedy that. Women like Kate don’t come along very often, you know. She’s a wonderful person.”
“She’s also still in love with her husband.”
“Of course she is. I’m sure she always will be. Love like that doesn’t die, Eric.” His mother’s voice suddenly grew subdued and sad, and his heart contracted in sympathy—and in shared loss. His father’s death had been extremely hard on both of them, leaving a gap that could never be filled. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t ever love anyone else. And I just thought…” Her voice trailed off.
Eric sighed. He knew what she thought—that he needed to find someone new. But aside from the fact that he still considered himself married, there were other pitfalls to a relationship: namely, the demands of his profession.
“That’s not an option, Mom,” he said gently but firmly.
“But Eric, you’ve been divorced for almost five years,” she argued. “Cindy is remarried. It doesn’t seem right for you to be alone. You should have a wife and family.”
“I tried that once. It didn’t work.”
There was a brief hesitation before she quietly declared, “Maybe it was just the wrong woman.”
Eric’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Though his mother was usually outspoken in her opinion, she’d never before come this close to saying what he’d always suspected she felt about his marriage: that he and Cindy had not been a good match.
“Maybe,” he admitted. “But it’s too late now for second-guessing.”
Her sigh came clearly over the wire. “Sometimes I think you’re too hard on yourself, Eric. I’m sure the Lord doesn’t expect you to spend the rest of your life alone when the divorce wasn’t even your fault. As I recall, Cindy was the one who wanted out. You were willing to work at it.”
“I’m not blameless, Mom. I have a demanding career, and it got in the way of our relationship. Marriage and medicine just don’t seem to mix.”
“That’s nonsense,” she declared briskly. “Most doctors are married and they manage just fine. Look at Frank.”
“Well, maybe he knows some secret I don’t.”
“There’s no secret, Eric. It just takes love and understanding on both sides.”
“I can’t debate that with you, Mom. All I know is that it didn’t work for me. And even if I was free, I’m not willing to take that risk again. Besides, Kate obviously isn’t interested. So let it rest. It’s probably for the best.”
Eric knew his mother wasn’t happy with his response. She wanted him to have another chance at love. And as he hung up the receiver, he had to admit that he wanted that, too. Especially now. The hours he’d spent in Kate’s company had gi
ven him a glimpse of the life he might have had with the right woman. But his error in judgment had cost him dearly, he thought with a disheartened sigh. And he was still paying the price.
Kate read the thermometer gauge worriedly. One hundred and two.
“I don’t feel good, Mommy,” Sarah whimpered.
Kate smoothed the hair from her daughter’s damp forehead with a slightly unsteady hand. “I know, honey. I’m going to call Dr. Eric right now. You just lie here and be very quiet, okay?”
Kate tucked the blankets around Sarah, then headed for the phone to call Eric’s exchange. She also spoke with Anna to let her know she was keeping Sarah home tomorrow.
“It’s probably just a flu bug, Kate,” the older woman reassured her. “Don’t worry too much. Children get these things, you know. They bounce back quickly. When did she get sick?”
“A couple of hours ago, right before dinner. It just came on suddenly. She was fine this morning and had a great time at Sunday school.”
“Oh, you must have gone to the later service, then. Eric was concerned when we didn’t see you at church.”
Was he? Kate wondered with a wistfulness that surprised—and disconcerted—her as she rang off. Deep inside she’d like to think his concern was prompted by more than polite consideration. After all, they’d spent two very enjoyable social evenings together. And she liked him. A lot. Too much, maybe, because the feelings he awakened in her made her feel disloyal to Jack. And she wasn’t sure how to deal with that. But since he seemed to be putting a distance between them, it apparently wasn’t something she needed to worry about, she reminded herself firmly.
But he wasn’t putting distance between them today, Kate realized when she opened the door forty-five minutes later and found Eric. Her eyes widened as she noted the well-worn jeans that clung to his long, lean legs and the blue cotton shirt with rolled-up sleeves, open at the neck. Kate had never seen him dressed so informally before, and the effect was…well, stunning. In this rugged clothing, he literally took her breath away. She clung to the edge of the door and stared at him.
