by K. Renee
“My whole pregnancy went great and I couldn’t wait to hold our child in my arms. The day I went into labor, I was at home sleeping. When I got myself to the hospital, the contractions were so bad that I could barely catch my breath. Once they wheeled me back to deliver the baby, something went wrong. Her heartbeat was gone and the doctors did everything they could.”
I can’t breathe. Lyn had to deliver our baby by herself with people she didn’t know. Putting my head in my hands, I can feel the tears start to pool in my eyes. Why didn’t she tell me? I feel her put one hand on my back and the other on my thigh. She's trying to comfort me through the story even though I can see it tearing her up inside. Just telling me what happened still affects her. I can't imagine going through it too.
“The doctors said the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and that she died before I could deliver her.” Her broken whisper causes me to look up at her. The tears are now streaming down her face and I don’t know how to take away the pain. Hell, I can’t even take away my own. She had to deal with this all on her own at eighteen fucking years old. God, what kind of man am I? How the hell did I not know? I can’t take the silence any longer. Wiping the tears from my own eyes, I look up at her.
“Why didn’t you tell me Lynnie. I would have been there for you and her. You wouldn’t of had to do any of it on your own. How could you not tell me I was a fucking father?!” By the end of it I'm yelling. Saying I am pissed is an understatement. I know I’m not being fair to her right now, but she wasn’t fair when she kept our child a secret.
More tears stream down her face. “Jaxson, you would have left your family and came to New York to be with me. I didn’t want you to have to choose. And I’m glad that I didn’t make you choose. You would have lost out on the last few years of your dad’s life!” I can tell she’s getting upset. Her voice raises slightly and she's clenching her small hands into fists.
“I fucking missed out on my daughter’s whole life instead!” I yell at her.
“I’m sorry I took the choice from you,” she whispers. She gets up and leaves before I can even think about what she’s doing.
I hear the door slam shut and I’m stuck in my head. I was going to be a dad. Lyn and I were going to be parents to a little girl. Damn I need a drink. Going to the kitchen, I pull a bottle of tequila out of the freezer and start taking shots. After a few, I just chug straight from the bottle. An hour in, I can’t feel the pain of finding out my daughter died.
The banging on my front door jolts me awake. My fucking head is pounding and my mouth tastes like shit. Memories of last night flood my mind, I think I’m gonna be sick. Unlocking the door, I run towards the bathroom where I puke up the tequila I inhaled last night. I hear footsteps coming towards me and the chuckles make me want to puke on his boots.
“What the fuck happened to you man?” Tate says.
Wiping my mouth, I walk down the hall to the master bathroom. Grabbing the mouth wash, I swig it and rinse my mouth out. Spitting it out, I check the mirror and see how shitty I look right now. Damn. I feel like I got hit by a truck.
“Got some news last night that didn’t go over well.” I state. I don’t want to talk to him about it, but I know he won’t let it rest until I tell him.
“Does it involve your wife?” He asks with a smirk.
“Yeah.” I reply while searching the cabinets for some aspirin. Grabbing the bottle, I pop the top and pop a few pills in my mouth. Getting some water from the sink I wash them down and turn towards Tate’s smirking face.
“What happened?” Looking around the room, I replay everything she said to me.
“Don’t fucking tell anyone.” I state. I don’t want the whole damn town knowing what Lynnie went through.
Holding his hands up, he acts like he zips his lips and throws away the key. Shaking my head, I walk out into the living room.
“Come on Jax. By the look of you, you need to talk about it.” Instead of responding I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. Sitting at the bar, I let out a breath.
“Lynnie…” I start. Shit, I don’t even know how to say it. “We had a daughter.” Rubbing my hand over my face, I try to not look at his expression.
“What do you mean had?” He asks, studying my face.
“Lynnie said the pregnancy was fine, but when she went to deliver the baby, she didn’t have a heartbeat. The doctors said the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and she died.” Feeling the tears start to fall down my face, I try to clear my throat. Feeling like I swallowed a rock, I try to get my emotions under control.
“Fuck man. I’m so fucking sorry.” I nod because I can’t say anything to him. “What did she name her and where is she buried?”
Shit. I have no fucking clue. I was so mad last night that I didn’t even ask any questions.
“No idea.” I need to find that out. I need to talk to Lyn about bringing our daughter home where she belongs.
“So I can see why you look like hell this morning. You ready to go sweat that tequila out?” he laughs, breaking through my somber mood.
Finally cracking a smile, I tell him yeah and go to change into some jeans and a t-shirt. When I finally get back to the living room, I see Tate on my phone. “Shit,” he mutters. “Okay. He’s coming out of the bathroom. I'll let him know.” Who the fuck is he talking to?
When he hangs up the phone he looks a little pissed off, so I ask him who the fuck he was talking to. “Who were you talking to on my phone?”
“Lyndley. She hurt herself down by the creek. She can’t put any pressure on her leg.”
“Fuck.” I mutter. Walking back into the room, I grab some socks, I pull them on my feet and shove my feet into my boots, making my way back into the living room.
“Even after everything, you’re still going to go and save the fucking day for her?” Tate sneers. I get he’s trying to protect me and everything, but I won’t let him say shit about her. She doesn’t deserve it. Did she do some shitty things? Yeah she did, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am still just as in love with her now as I was when we were in high school.
Not even answering him, I make my way to the truck and get in. Before I can even start the engine, I see Tate open the door and get in. “I’m surprised you’re even coming.” I mutter.
“Who knows what you might do without me there. I want to make sure you don’t go and do something stupid like marry her again.”
I snort at that. “You know that we are still married right? We never filed for a divorce and we never will. I’m going to get her back. I don’t care what it fucking takes. She’s mine.” He shakes his head at me and we take off towards the creek.
As we are walking from the truck towards the steep hill that we used to jump off of as kids, Tate decides on opening his big mouth again. “How can you help her when she didn’t even tell you that you were going to be a father?”
“She needs me. I won’t let her suffer down there just because she made the wrong decision years ago. Just leave it the fuck alone and let me deal with it.” I huff out before we hit the clearing.
When I see her, I feel like I can finally catch my breath again. She’s beautiful even covered in mud. Making my way over to her, I can’t help but run my eyes along her body. The years sure have been good to her.
"Lynnie,” I breathe before making my way down the embankment that she is currently stuck in. My boots lose traction and I slide a little before I get my footing again. Lyndley looks like she’s bracing herself for me to fall into her, but I wouldn’t. I would rather fall on my ass than fall onto her small body. I would probably smash her.
“Are you okay?” I ask. My eyes go to her leg and I squat down beside her. I start to clean some of the mud off of her so that I can see her leg better and I can’t believe the fucking knot on her leg. She must have hit it pretty fucking good on something.
"Shit, Lynnie. You never do anything half-assed, do you?” I state jokingly. When I look back at her face, I can tell she
took it the wrong way. Fuck. Grabbing her face with my forefinger and thumb, I force her to look at me. “I didn’t mean anything by it.” She quickly nods her head and looks away, not saying one word to me. Shit. All I’ve done since she’s been back is say the wrong things to her.
Sighing, I go to plan B, getting her out of here. “Come on. Let’s get you out of here. Wrap your arms around my neck.” When she does as I say, I pick her up. What I don’t expect is the feelings that invade my body just by her touch. When I’m standing at full height, I see a strange look on her face. “You okay, Lyn?” My voice is no more than a whisper, I can’t help but wonder if she’s thinking the same thing I am.
“Yeah.” she blushes.
Smirking at her, I know that she definitely feels the same thing I do. “Lynnie, I know you better than that. Tell me.” I start to climb back up the hill and I can tell she is still hesitant to say it, but I wait for her anyways.
"I just still feel the spark when we touch. I know it's stupid–”
"No, Lyn. I feel it, too." I say interrupting her. I want her to know that nothing has changed. I still want her.
I slide a few more times in the mud as I carry her up the hill, but her words are the only thing I can think of at the moment. Everything is exactly where I want it. She still feels the same way I do, now just to get her to see that she and I belong together.
Almost losing my balance, I see Tate standing there with his arm reached out to help me get the rest of the way up. She freaked out when we almost fell backwards, but I liked the way she squeezed me when she thought we were going to fall.
“Hey Lynd. You okay?” Tate asks with a sour look on his face. I already warned him in the car not to say shit to her. He looks hesitant about it, but I hope he knows better than to say anything about her in front of me.
“Yes. Thank you for helping.” Lyndley states in a soft voice. Tate hands me a bottle of water and I uncap it so I can pour it over her leg. Gently cleaning the mud off of her, I can see just how bad the bump really is on her shin. I knew it was bad, but it’s fucking huge.
“Shit, Lyn. This looks bad,” I murmur. Every time my fingers graze it, I see her wince and she looks like she might cry at any moment. “Sorry, babe.” I move to grab her. “Come on. Let’s go get you cleaned up.” Picking her up, I make my way to the truck.
When I try to put her in the front seat, she tries to get me to put her down. “Jax, no! I’m muddy!” She all but screams in my ear. I laugh at her and set her in the front seat anyways. “I can clean the truck. It’s fine.” I shut the door after I get her settled. Tate and I both get in, but the look on his face makes me think twice about this being anything but a peaceful drive back to my place.
When she gets tired of the tension that’s filling the inside of the truck, she finally speaks up. "Tate, it’s obvious you know what I kept from Jax, so why don't you just say what you want to say. I'm a big girl. I can handle it."
She looks over at me, but I’m focused on Tate in the backseat. "What I don't get is why you didn't tell Jax about having a daughter. You leaving was selfish enough. Why would you do that to him?” he sneers at her. He knows that I was the one who broke up with her, but he still blames her for not staying.
When I look back at her, I can see the hurt flash across her features. My best friend is a dick and I get why he is saying shit, but I already told him that I would handle it. "Lynnie, you don't have to explain yourself to him.” I look back at Tate in the mirror and tell him, “Don't be such an asshole, Tate."
“It’s okay, Jax.” I see her turn in her seat and face Tate. I’m proud of her standing up for herself. It reminds me of the girl I fell in love with all those years ago. "I know you may never understand why I did it, but I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. The day Jax told me he was staying because his father needed him, I knew things weren't going to be the same. I couldn't stay. I knew I would come back eventually, but I never counted on getting pregnant and losing her. I was ashamed that I couldn't even bring a baby into this world, and I was too young to make the right decision on my own. I regret that I never told Jax. He was right when he told me I am the reason he missed out on his daughter’s life, but there is nothing I can do to change that now."
I can’t help but feel a pain in my chest at her words, I have to fight back the emotion that it stirs up inside of me. Lyndley and I still have a whole lot of shit that we need to deal with if we want to make this shit last, but I want to hear it all even if it kills me to listen to the words.
Tears start to fall down her face before she continues. "I couldn't get out of bed for months. I was so angry, I shut myself off from everyone and everything. After a few months, my roommate forced me to go to group counseling. After a while, I was able to live a little again."
Fuck. I grip the steering wheel tightly so that I don’t give away my feelings. I wish I would have known. I would have been there every step of the way and we could have grieved together. She wouldn’t have had to go through the loss of our daughter alone. We could have done it together.
Before I can even put the truck in park, Tate is getting out and slamming the door behind him. I watch him for a second before I get out and make my way over to the passenger side to get Lyndley. “Lyndley, you don’t owe Tate anything,” I whisper, staring into her eyes.
I watch as she licks her lips and I want to devour her mouth just like the last time, but I don’t. “I know. Part of that was for your benefit, too. I know you feel like I kept it from you on purpose, but I didn’t. I just didn’t know how to come to terms with what happened, and I couldn’t bear the thought of having to tell you. I love you way too much to ever let you go through something like that.”
She said she loves me. Leaning forward, I put my forehead against hers. “I am pissed as fuck at you Lynnie, but I still love you way too much to hate you.” Even after all the pain and secrets, I can’t help but love her. It will never go away. I sigh and my shoulders drop a little on my exhaled breath. “Come on. Let’s go clean you off so we can get a better look at your leg.”
Picking her up, I carry her into the house, the only thing I can think about is how good it feels to have her back in my arms. I’m sure I should be focused on the fact that she kept things from me, but in the moment, all I care about is making sure she’s okay.
When I make it over the threshold, I can see the anger written all over Tate’s face. I don’t even bother with him and I hear him huff out, “Jax, I’m gonna go start on the chores. Come find me when you’re ready to work.” He walks out the door without another glace in our direction and I’m actually glad he’s gone right now. Maybe now she will tell me everything about the little girl I never got a chance to meet.
“Ignore him.” I frown when I look down at her. I can tell she’s upset that Tate is treating her so shitty, but she never says a word about it, almost like she thinks she deserves his treatment.
Walking her into my master bathroom, I sit her on the tub and start the water. As it starts to fill up, I put my hand under the water to make sure it isn’t too hot for her skin. When it’s a good temperature, I plug the tub and look at her. She looks nervous, I wish I could read her mind right now. I want to know exactly what she’s thinking about.
Shutting the water off, I turn my attention back to her and grin. I want to slowly strip her down and run my mouth over her body, but I know that her mind is going a million miles an hour right now. She probably isn’t going to like what I say next. “Lyn, I can see your mind working all this out. I already told you. What you told me last night doesn’t change the way I feel about you.” I lean in to her and softly kiss her lips.
Closing my eyes at the contact, I feel like I’m the luckiest man in the whole damn world. “Come on. Let’s get these muddy clothes off and get you clean.” She gets a scared look on her face.
“I don’t have any clothes.” She says on a mumble. I grin at her. She’s cute when she gets embarrassed.
“I know. I’ll grab you some sweats and a t-shirt.” She starts to pull down her shorts, but has a lot of trouble. I know she doesn’t want me to see her naked right now, but I can’t leave her in here alone without making sure she doesn’t hurt herself any more than she already is.
Finally, I walk over to her and motion for her to put her legs out. Gripping the waistband of her shorts, I gently pull them down her legs and try to get them off her leg without touching the huge bump. I need to get her some ice.
Once I get them off of her, I put them on the tub and go to take her panties off next. Her hips are wider than before, I still can’t get over how perfect her body is. I love that she has gained curves in all the right places even if she’s self-conscience about it. After I get her panties off, she tries to cover herself with her shirt, but it’s no use. I can still see her sexy thighs and a peek at her perfect pussy. I chuckle at her antics and she asks, “What?”
I look her up and down and I know that she isn’t used to the attention. I wonder what type of tool she was dating before she came out here. My girl was never nervous when she got naked, but this version of her is.
“Lyn, it’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before…” The smirk on my face stays as I see her blush. The blush creeps up her neck, I can see the tips of her ears getting red too.
“I know. It’s just that, well… Things aren’t what they used to be before getting pregnant.” She looks down at her stomach and I know she thinks she’s gotten fat or something since she got pregnant. Me, I think she looks even better than before.
Grabbing her face, I force her to look at me. Searching her eyes, I try to figure out where all her self-esteem went. My girl would never question me when I said she looked good and she sure as hell always flaunted what she had back then. “If you want me to go, I will. Just say the word. I want you to be comfortable. I’ll come help you out when you’re ready.”
“I would like to be alone, please,” she whispers. Part of me feels defeated, but I don’t let her see that. I wish like hell the last ten years never happened. I want my girl back. I want the sexy, sweet, fun and caring girl that I fell in love with all those years ago.
