Wednesday brought something I wasn’t expecting: a brisk phone call from Sadie. Apparently, there was paperwork I needed to sign at the office. I had been working so hard to forget Bach and Dagier; researching my new company in Salisbury, pouring the contents of my life into cardboard squares. Trying not to think about Joseph. Now I had to face both, along with Poppy’s smirking mug–Matt had left on Monday so I wouldn’t even have an ally.
I wasn’t sure I could tolerate the stares, especially after Poppy’s drunken accusations.
In the end, I dressed casually. I didn’t want people to think I cared too much. My stomach churned as I made the familiar walk up to the office and buzzed the front desk.
Sadie met me at the door.
“Joseph’s stuck in a conference call,” she told me. “If you take a seat in the office, he’ll be out to fetch you when he can.” There was something mellow about her tone, and it was comforting. She wasn’t glaring at me like I had hooker written across my forehead in red lipstick.
Four new trainees already occupied the desks I had shared with Matt, Poppy and Bhan. They looked tired already, and I was tossed back to memories of my first seat at the company, under a partner called Anderson Deity. He was known in the industry as the iron fist of intellectual property and Joseph, in comparison, was a quibbling choirboy.
That was one of the reasons I had chosen Bach and Dagier, though–its lush history in London, and its relative smallness that allowed the eccentrics to rampage.
“Can I get you a drink, Leila?”
I blinked up at Sadie. “Oh. No thanks. I’m okay.”
Through the glass doors, Joseph’s team of eight kept their desks fearfully tidy and their nerves shredded and raw. Poppy sat in the left corner, her chin pressed to her palm as she chatted on the phone. She made rapid notes with a free hand and paused occasionally to push her glasses back up her nose.
She caught sight of me, froze, and then pretended she hadn’t. My cheeks roared with scarlet, my pulse soared; I couldn’t let her off that easily. No, this bitch would look Charlotte in the eye and choke on adrenaline when she saw the beasts that lived there.
My phone squealed in the depths of my handbag and I dragged it out, expecting it to be Will.
I’ll cook tonight if you make the flapjack? Clem x
Oh, thank fuck for that. I could have kissed the phone.
Yes! TY, I typed, hammering at the keypad. C u at 7 x
“Leila?”
I snapped up as Joseph appeared in the doorway. Gosh. I’d forgotten how sharp he looked in his shirt and tie.
“Hi,” I squeaked.
He beckoned me into the office with a tilt of the head.
It felt too familiar, this creep into his space as he stalked behind me. He was being perfectly cordial and yet I felt hunted, vulnerable. The same surge of desire always built in anticipation of his fingers, his mouth, and now it worked for his words, too.
God--look at him. Once upon the edge of a tiny blade, I broke him--and yet the bastard wasn't actually broken at all.
“What do you need me to do, then?” I said.
He teased a folder out from a pile. “Just a few forms to fill in, really. Standard stuff. Then Sadie can sort out your P45.” He paused as I went to take it from him. “Will you be needing a reference?”
“Um…I don’t think so.”
Blond eyebrows arched. “Is that so?”
“Charlie sorted it all out for me,” I muttered.
“I see.” He dropped the file on the edge of his desk for me. “He does you a lot of favours.”
“Yeah. Um.” God, I loved the way his forearms emerged from the rolled sleeves of his shirt. Those tendons flexed and flickered just like that when his hand moved between my thighs… “We used to be lovers.”
Joseph shook his head at me. “There’s a lot I don’t know about you, isn’t there?”
I took the file and turned toward the sofa.
“Maybe.” I forced a little smile. “It felt like you knew more than most.”
He didn’t speak, but his features softened for a second. Then he nodded at me and I sat down to fill in the forms.
It didn’t take long to realize that I could have done all this at home; most of it wasn’t even necessary. I found myself doodling as I brooded over the fact, trying to ignore the tapping at his keyboard and the breaths that punctuated the silence.
Eventually, he buzzed for Sadie.
“Can you send in St. Clare?” he said. “I’ve got some bits for her to look over.”
I shot Joseph a quizzical frown and he shrugged innocently, sitting back in his leather chair.
Poppy slid through the door a minute later. As she clapped eyes on me, her polite smile plummeted somewhere beyond her bee-stung cleavage.
I curled into myself, pretending to focus on the paperwork. If I had smoked, I would have been climbing the walls for a cigarette, yellow fingers staining the paint.
“What can I do for you?” Poppy asked, hovering by Joseph’s desk.
“Take a seat.” He handed her a fat brown envelope. “It’s the details of your secondment. Sorry they’ve taken me so long.”
I saw her exhale in relief; she thought he was rubbing my face in it. She swept it from his hands and crossed her legs as she sat.
“Oh wow. Exciting!” The envelope burst open in her palms and she tore out the stack of watermarked paper. Her mouth drew into a wrinkled line.
“Is everything all right?” said Joseph. He had that predatory slink about his shoulders, a pencil tapping against his glass paperweight–I knew full well he was about to be a cunt.
“It’s just…I thought I was going to New York,” she croaked.
“You did?”
“It says–” She broke off, laughing incredulously. “It says I’m going to Kazakhstan.”
I loved it when he was a cunt. I had to cover my mouth so that I didn’t whoop and cheer.
“It’s a pretty exclusive contract.” Joseph kept a straight face. “They have a very progressive economy, you know. Yves only finalized the deal on Friday–”
“I’m going with Yves?” she spluttered.
“Of course. He was really impressed with your performance in New York. Insisted on having you.”
She took her glasses off to rub an eye. “But…but who’s going to New York, then?”
He knotted his fingers. Half-smiled in feigned remorse. “Whoever takes over from me, I imagine.”
“I’m not following.”
“You’re the first to know in my office, but…” He leaned in conspiratorially. “I handed in my notice this morning. I’ll be gone in three months.”
We exchanged brief glances. He’d gotten his contract, then. I was so very proud of him that I ached with it.
“Not that it matters much,” he went on, “since you’ll be moving in a few weeks. Sadie has put together an excellent package. Don’t forget to check out the language classes. You can have time off for those.”
Poppy gritted her teeth. “I’ll…I’ll think about them.”
“You’ll take them. Frankly, St. Clare, your behaviour of late has been questionable. I was rather taken aback to hear about your indiscretion on Friday night. You do realize that attempting to spread slanderous rumours about ex-colleagues could mean very bad things for the company’s reputation?”
“Of course!” she exclaimed, hands flailing. “But I’d never–I wasn’t…”
“A lawyer who thinks that kind of poor conduct is acceptable is not one ready for the political piranhas in New York.” He sighed. “Now. I’m happy for you to take the rest of the day off to begin making arrangements.”
“I’ll…I’ll do that.”
“The quicker the better.” Joseph made a little flicking motion with his hand, and she rose. “Congratulations, St. Clare. Enjoy Kazakhstan.”
Poppy bit her lip to stop it trembling. “Thank you, Mr Merchant.” Then she stalked out with a firm slam of the door.
I
gazed at him with an open mouth. “Really?”
“Really.” He put his hands behind his head. “The company have been trying to get rid of Yves like this for a while now. It’s actually a good contract but for some reason, nobody wants to work on it.” He sighed gleefully. “Can’t think why.”
I wanted to leap up and throw my arms around him, but instead…
“You’re an arse,” I said in disbelief.
“Why, thank you, sweetheart.”
The words melted between us. They simmered and died.
“She knows that you’re aware of what she’s done,” I said quietly.
“Of course she does, but short of me chucking you over the desk for a quick one, she’s got no proof, has she?” He ran fingers through his hair. “She fucked up on Friday and she knows I could discipline her. Silly bitch just couldn’t resist gloating.”
“Did you always know she was like this?”
“Leila.” He got up, strode over. The world was a few degrees warmer when he sat next to me. “Every time there was even a hint of you making a mistake, she would drop it into conversation with me. I’m all for not playing fair at times. You know that.” He was working hard not to touch me; sparks flew from balled fists. “But I’d have noticed if you screwed something up, regardless. She was patronizing both of us and she enjoyed it.”
“Huh.” I wanted to look at him, but I was too afraid of the kiss that would follow. “Well…thank you.”
“Are you all done with those papers?”
“Yep.” I flicked through, checking for signatures, and set them on the glass table. “Is there anything else?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Is there?”
There was a brief knock at the door and then Kenji popped his head around. If he was surprised to see me, then he did a decent job of ignoring it.
“Hey. Coming for lunch?”
Joseph nudged me. “Want to join us?”
“Oh.” My hands twisted awkwardly in my lap. “I’ve got plans,” I lied.
“Right. Well.” He stood, gesturing for me to follow. “Come on, we’ll walk you out.”
It’s a thing of status, walking through the corridors with a partner. It sounds silly but trainees just don’t do it unless they’re scrabbling behind them with files for a trip out, or a tray of coffees. Now I made my way between Joseph and Kenji and I felt eyes sticking to me everywhere. I knew they’d all been talking about me.
Joseph steered me with a light brush to the spine. I remembered him doing the same at the club in New York, when nobody was meant to know we were together. It was miserable to think that he could no longer just touch me; now his fingers left an echo and a trail of ash.
I offered knowing half smiles to colleagues I recognized because it felt rude not to. We stopped in at Yves’ office to congratulate him on his move. It was only as we left the lift and made our way toward the foyer that I spotted Isobel, slinking toward us with Pret bags in hand. Her sleek honeyed bob fell into her face as she glowered at me. I felt Joseph stiffen behind as I slowed–he was as cautious as I.
Isobel timed it so we brushed shoulders as she passed. I ducked my head and just as my gaze slid down, it settled upon her matte pink lips: whore, she mouthed. It seemed that she took minutes to say it and there was a hiss of air as she finished the word.
Then, she disappeared behind me. Nobody had noticed…so I thought.
Joseph froze. “Do you know what I like most about whores, Ken?” he said loudly.
People in suits paused. They watched us.
Ken frowned in mock concern. “I do not.”
Joseph cocked his head toward Isobel, who was now loitering by a box of ferns. “They don’t need to snort half of Columbia just to go to bed with me,” he declared. “Funny that, isn’t it?”
Oh, dear God. So cruel, and yet so damned satisfying.
Isobel threw us a revolting glare. I thought she’d split at the nose. Then she hurried off, half-tumbling off her heels and stamping in a temper.
Ken gave a strangled laugh. “The Chairman returns!”
“Fuck off. Anyway.” Joseph glanced at me. “That’s that taken care of.”
I pointed back to Isobel with a thumb. “Did…did she…really?”
He rolled his eyes. “Couldn’t orgasm without dosing up like a human snow globe. I’m surprised you didn’t notice.”
I found myself giggling before I could stop. “It doesn’t say much for your standards, you know.”
“Ouch!” Ken grimaced. “Leila, you are so getting a high five when we get out of here.”
Joseph pouted at me and I had to grip a pillar to keep from melting. “That’s just mean,” he grumbled.
I followed them out through the revolving doors and we paused at the bottom of the steps.
“Sure you don’t want to join us?” he asked again.
“Thanks, but I really…I have things.”
For a few moments, we stood apart, unsure of what to do. It still felt so wrong to not be touching him; can blood ache? Mine did. The street was alive with push and shove of the lunch rush but I noticed the heat pouring from Joseph’s close body, and his aftershave carried by the breeze.
“Is there anything else I can do for you?” he asked finally.
I watched his green eyes narrow in the sunlight and panic gripped me in its sweaty fist. I was never going to see him again. This was the last chance. “I don’t think so,” I lied. “Thanks for sorting everything out.”
He nodded. “It was my pleasure.”
“So…so I’ll leave you to get on and all.”
“I suppose so.” He twisted his hands in his pockets. “Good luck with the move.”
I wondered if I should hug him; he leaned toward me a little, as if inviting me into his embrace. But I would weep on his shoulder the moment I pressed my face against it. I knew that. I thought I had begun mourning him–us--these past few weeks, but I was way off. Was it just me, or did he shiver with the same brand of melancholy, the sizzle and snap of what-if? These things consumed me now, gnashing teeth with greedy smirks.
“And you.” I beamed despite it all, nudging his arm. “You got your contract, yeah?”
He smiled back. “I did.”
“Congratulations.”
“Joe,” Ken cut in, tapping his watch. “We’re going to miss our reservation.”
Joseph glared at him; he thought I couldn’t see. “I’m being dragged away by my wife back there,” he said.
“It’s okay.”
“Bye then, Leila.”
I pressed my lips together to stop them wobbling. “Goodbye.”
And he went.
I gazed after him as he disappeared into the crowd. The bit of me that controlled movement had been swept off in his footsteps and it wasn’t for a few minutes that I realized I was shivering with cold. I wanted him to glance back, run back, something…
It seemed impossible that I’d walked away from him first. On some level, I took it for granted that he’d come to me with a better effort under a full moon. I didn’t really believe, then, that he didn’t feel the same way–just that he was struggling to say it.
And I’d been wrong.
“Leila!”
There was no chance to brace myself. Elise whacked into me and I went sprawling against the wall.
“Oh, crap! I’m sorry,” she exclaimed, releasing me from the hug and regaining her balance. “Are you okay?”
I touched a palm to my forehead. “Yeah. I think.”
“I didn’t think I’d catch you.” She bounced. “Oh my God. Did they sort that biatch out already?”
“Poppy? Just about.” I shifted about awkwardly. The buzz of the street had turned smothering. “I’m sorry, Lise. About everything.”
Then the tears started and they wouldn’t stop. I don’t know what was worse–that I was doing it in public, where everyone at the company could see, or that I wasn’t really crying just for her.
“Oh, honey. Don’t be a
moron.” She hugged me again, gentler this time. “Come on, let’s find somewhere for coffee. Let me grab my bag. I’ll be right back.”
She returned a moment later with a leather tote in one hand and a wad of tissues in the other. I followed her to a hotel bar like a lost kitten.
Elise settled me in a corner booth and ordered me a large gin and tonic. I downed half of it in one.
“Jesus.” She laughed in discomfort. “What kind of morning have you had?”
“Eventful. Awful,” I said honestly. “You?”
“It’s getting more interesting.” She leaned over to lay a hand on my arm. “Kenji told me everything, you know. It’s okay.”
I grimaced. “It is? Really?”
“Yeah. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was surprised.” Her eyebrows wiggled as she smiled nervously. “Okay. More than surprised. A bit shocked. But you know what? It’s your business, and you’re a clever girl, right? If Joe is okay with it, then I don’t see why we shouldn’t be.”
“That’s really sweet. Thank you.” I paused, fiddling with a bar mat. “He and I aren’t together anymore, though.”
“Oh.” She took a big gulp of her latte. “I’m sorry. The way he was talking, I thought you’d made up and all.”
“No…it’s all right, though.” Wasn’t it? How was Joseph talking, exactly?
I’d never know, now. Oh fuck.
“I found a new job, but it’s miles away,” I said. “I move at the weekend.”
“That quick?”
“Not got much choice, really.” I sighed, resting my chin in my palm. I wondered how embarrassingly red my eyes were. “I need to do this.”
She patted my arm. “I understand.”
It was then that I noticed the glittering solitaire on her third finger. I swept it up so the stone flashed in the light.
“Oh my God, Lise!” I gasped. “It’s gorgeous. When did you get this?”
“I thought you were never going to notice!” She laughed. “Two weeks ago. It is gorgeous, isn’t it?”
“Beautiful. I’m jealous.” Was jewellery classed as a sensible investment? Maybe Charlotte could buy me a fat rock.
Elise leaned in. “Will you forgive me for saying I’m a little sad you’re not doing this with me?”
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