‘What are you reading, Imogen?’ Nic asks, leaning across Meredith as I take my book out of my bag.
‘The Book Thief. I’ve been trying to get this started for a while, but life’s got in the way. This time it’s going to be different.’
I used to read constantly – everything from chick lit to classics such as Great Expectations and, my all-time favourite, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. These days, reading represents a luxury that I don’t have enough time for. Consequently, I first opened The Book Thief in 2010 and got to chapter three. I tried again that September, then in January 2011, then March this year. Those first three chapters were bloody good, so this time I am absolutely determined to get through it.
I open the first page and re-acquaint myself with the haunting words of its opening passage. ‘Here is a small fact: You are going to die.’
This might not be an optimal reminder just before take-off, but I persevere. I get to the third line before I am abruptly interrupted by a sound similar in volume to that of a Cape Canaveral rocket launch.
‘WAHHHHHHHHH!’
The piercing screech of the small boy who has suddenly appeared in the seat next to mine is discernable only nanoseconds before his foot lands with a violent thud on my chin.
Neither of my friends witness this; indeed, it’s only when Meredith breaks her momentary gaze at Hot Guy in front that she does a double take. ‘Have you got a nosebleed?’ she asks me.
‘Oh . . . bugger!’ I grab the complimentary lemon and bergamot wipe from my cosmetics bag, rip it in half and shove it up each nostril as the captain announces we’re ready for take-off.
‘Anisha. Now. NOW!’ The source of these frenzied pleas is the chubby little boy’s mother. She looks like an Arabian supermodel, with perfect eyeliner, glossy hair and a figure so tiny it’s impossible to believe that belly ever contained not one but two children. Despite the cabin crew’s repeated requests for the little boy to fasten his seatbelt, it’s his older sister who is being shrieked at by their mum for refusing to hand over her iPad.
‘NOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!’ she adds, just to be absolutely clear.
‘Um . . . can I help?’ I offer, but she doesn’t even hear me and the dispute between mother and daughter escalates until it is less a familial tussle and more something you’d expect to see on WWE’s SmackDown: hair is pulled, eyes are scratched but, eventually, the iPad is ripped from the little girl’s hands and she’s thrust into her seat, a lollipop produced from somewhere and shoved in her mouth. I have no idea what’s in it – Valium, judging by its effects – but it certainly calms her down.
‘Madam, I’m so sorry, but you really need to take your seat,’ the air hostess pleads.
‘I’m attempting to!’ growls the woman, flicking hair back from her now perspiring forehead, grabbing her little boy’s legs and – as I dive out of the way – flipping him over with the skill of a Chinese gymnastics instructor. The lollipop trick is employed on him too and, finally, the woman flings herself down and clicks on her seat belt. Seconds later, we take off.
I her offer a sympathetic smile. ‘Flights can be a bit of a challenge with kids, can’t they?’
She responds with a flaccid look and picks up the in-flight magazine.
Over the next two hours and twenty minutes, it’s evident that the flight would have been more peaceful seated next to a hyperactive goat. The only saving grace is that I’m not seated in front of the Demon Child – that seat is kicked, stamped and head-butted to such an extent that I’m surprised the passenger sitting there isn’t in need of emergency spinal surgery.
Their mother, or perhaps she’s their probation officer, has the right idea: she flips on her headphones, orders two large gins and tonic, and reclines her seat, clearly hoping to shut out the last five years. It’s only when she throws a pill down her neck and pops on her eye mask that I consider getting a bit cross – particularly as it coincides with her son trampolining on his seat, launching into a rousing rendition of ‘Food, Glorious Food’ and spilling my champagne all over my copy of The Book Thief.
‘Are you okay?’ Meredith asks, an hour from landing. She’s been asleep and the whole episode, nosebleed apart, has passed her by.
‘This is fantastic, Meredith.’ I dredge up a genuine smile. ‘Honestly, it’s incredibly kind of you to have shared your prize with us.’
At which point, a bumper bag of M&Ms spills exuberantly all over my lap and the little boy attempts to retrieve them by shoving his podgy hands under my bum.
The children’s lunch menu has a choice of dishes, including spaghetti Bolognese: a genius addition given that no under-five ever manages to get more than about 25 per cent of it in their mouth. Sure enough, my neighbour’s sauce ends up in the seat pocket in front of him, the seat pocket in front of me, in his hair, in my hair – everywhere, in fact, except his stomach. He concludes this dining experience by picking his nose with a bright red-sauce-coated finger, wiping it on the arm rest between us, and burping voluminously. At which point, Hot Guy two seats in front turns around, clearly believing it to have been me.
I sink even more deeply into my seat as the two children put their complimentary flight socks on both hands and proceed to have a ‘puppet show’– which may be better described as a GBH spree.
The air hostesses are aware of all this, of course, and make up for my misery by pushing as much champagne as possible on me, presumably to dull the pain. Other than that, there’s little they can do given that there are no spare seats to move me to. The children’s mother remains in a near coma until the very end of the flight, when she wakes up with a start, rushes to the toilet, and begins throwing up loudly, a process that continues right until we’re on terra firma, when she emerges, wiping her mouth, her eyeliner only slightly smudged.
By that stage, I am filthy, drunk, and have read only ten words of The Book Thief. It’s fair to conclude the experience wasn’t entirely as I’d envisaged.
Jane Costello
THE TIME OF OUR LIVES
It was supposed to be the holiday of a lifetime . . .
Imogen and her friends Meredith and Nicola have had their fill of budget holidays, cattle-class flights and 6 a.m. offensives for a space by the pool.
So when Meredith wins a VIP holiday at Barcelona’s hippest new hotel, they plan to sip champagne with the jet set, party with the glitterati and switch off in unapologetic luxury.
But when the worst crisis of her working life erupts back home, Imogen has to juggle her BlackBerry with a Manhattan, while soothing a hysterical boss and hunting down an AWOL assistant.
Between a robbery, a run-in with hotel security staff and an encounter on a nudist beach that they’d all rather forget, the friends stumble from one disaster to the next. At least Imogen has a distraction in the form of the gorgeous guy who’s always in the right place at the very worst time. Until, that is, his motives start to arouse a few suspicions . . .
Hilarious and heart-warming by turns, The Time of Our Lives is Jane Costello at her romantic best.
Paperback ISBN 978-1-47112-923-0
Ebook ISBN 978-1-47112-925-4
Jane Costello
THE WISH LIST
There are six months left of Emma Reiss’s twenties . . . and she has some unfinished business.
Emma and her friends are about to turn thirty, and for Emma it’s a defining moment. Defined, that is, by her having achieved none of the things she’d imagined she would.
Her career is all wrong, her love life is a desert and that penthouse apartment she pictured herself in simply never materialised.
Moreover, she’s never jumped out of a plane, hasn’t met the man she’s going to marry, has never slept under the stars, or snogged anyone famous – just some of the aspirations on a list she and her friends compiled fifteen years ago.
As an endless round of birthday parties sees Emma hurtle towards her own thirtieth, she sets about addressing these issues. But, as she discovers with hilarious consequences, some of them
are trickier to tick off than she’d thought . . .
‘Close the doors, open a bottle of wine, get out the chocs and enjoy this wonderfully witty read. Jane Costello at her best’
Milly Johnson
Paperback ISBN 978-0-85720-556-8
Ebook ISBN 978-0-85720-557-5
Jane Costello
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES
Samantha Brooks’ boyfriend has made a mistake. One his friends, family, and Sam herself know he’ll live to regret.
Jamie has announced he’s leaving, out of the blue. Jamie is loving, intelligent and, while he isn’t perfect, he’s perfect for her – in every way except one: he’s a free spirit. And after six years in one place, doing a job he despises, he is compelled to do something that will tear apart his relationship with Sam: book a one-way flight to South America.
But Sam isn’t giving up without a fight. With Jamie still totally in love with her, and torn about whether to stay or go, she has five months to persuade him to do the right thing. So with the help of her friends Ellie and Jen, she hatches a plan to make him realise what he’s giving up. A plan that involves dirty tricks, plotting, and a single aim: to win him back.
But by the time the tortured Jamie finally wakes up to what he’s lost, a gorgeous new pretender has entered Sam’s life. Which begs the question . . . does she still want him back?
‘Close the doors, open a bottle of wine, get out the chocs and enjoy this wonderfully witty read. Jane Costello at her best’
Milly Johnson
Paperback ISBN 978-0-85720-553-7
Ebook ISBN 978-0-85720-554-4
Jane Costello
GIRL ON THE RUN
He’s a real catch . . . if only she could catch him up
Abby Rogers has been on health kicks before - they involve eating one blueberry muffin for breakfast instead of two. But since starting her own business, after watching one too many episodes of The Apprentice, the 28-year-old’s waistline has taken even more of a back seat than her long-neglected love life.
When Abby is encouraged to join her sporty best friend’s running club – by none other than its gorgeous new captain – she finds a mysterious compulsion to exercise.
Sadly, her first session doesn’t go to plan. Between the obscenely unflattering pink leggings, and the fact that her lungs feel as though they’ve been set on fire, she vows never to return.
Then her colleague Heidi turns up at work and makes a devastating announcement, one that will change her life – and Abby’s – forever.
Paperback ISBN 978-1-84739-626-6
Ebook ISBN 978-1-84983-270-0
Jane Costello
MY SINGLE FRIEND
Who said men and women can’t be friends?
At 28, Lucy is doing well for herself. She’s got a great job in PR, her boss loves her, and her best girlfriends Dominique and Erin think she’s great. More important than anyone’s opinion is that of her flatmate, and oldest friend in the world, Henry. For twenty years they’ve been inseparable: beauty and the geek.
Henry thinks the world of Lucy. So why does she feel the need to lie outrageously on dates? From rock-climbing to Chekov: when it comes to prospective boyfriends, Lucy is compelled to embellish her C.V. with unlikely porkies that always backfire – with hilarious results. Henry can’t understand it. Lucy is so loveable: why can’t she just be herself?
But when Lucy turns the spotlight on Henry, he wishes he’d never brought it up. With a penchant for jumpers and
NHS-style specs, Lucy decides that Henry is in need of a makeover – big time. Enlisting the help of Dom and Erin, it’s not long before the girls have Henry out of the flat, and into the Topman changing rooms. A new haircut, contact lenses, a flirting master-class from Dom . . . poor Henry doesn’t know what’s hit him. But nothing can prepare them for the surprise results! Before long, Lucy realises that their lives will never be the same again.
Paperback ISBN 978-1-84739-625-9
Ebook ISBN 978-1-84983-269-4
Jane Costello
THE NEARLY-WEDS
What’s the worst thing that could happen to a blushing bride? To somebody warm, loving, and fun – like Zoe Moore?
After Zoe is jilted by her fiancé Jason, she’s unable to face the pitying looks of her friends and family. Fleeing to America, she is employed as a nanny by moody, difficult, but devastatingly sexy single dad Ryan.
Zoe quickly wins over his children, but their father is more of a challenge. Things aren’t helped, of course, by her inadvertently displaying her knickers to his colleagues or nearly hospitalising him with a toy bow and arrow. Thank God she’s got her colourful circle of friends to keep her sane: fun-loving Trudie, hippy Amber and chilly, tight-lipped Felicity.
But over time Zoe and Ryan begin to understand each other, and their apparently ill-fated relationship takes on a new dimension. There’s just one problem, as Zoe soon discovers: the past isn’t always easy to escape, no matter how far away you go.
Paperback ISBN 978-1-84739-088-2
Ebook ISBN 978-1-84739-827-7
Jane Costello
BRIDESMAIDS
With less than an hour to go before her best friend is due to walk down the aisle, Evie is attempting to fulfill her most important role as bridesmaid: to deposit the bride at the start-line.
Although the odds appear stacked against her, she at least has her new ‘chicken fillets’ to boost her confidence. Until, that is, they are witnessed popping out of her dress by the dazzlingly handsome Jack.
Evie is 27, a sparkly, down-to-earth journalist who has never been in love and has started to think that she never will be. Small wonder, then, that the prospect of being bridesmaid at so many impending weddings fills her with utter trepidation.
When Jack starts becoming a regular fixture at the nuptials, however, things really start looking up.
Only between her discovery that he’s dating the stunning, self-obsessed Valentina, and an unfortunate incident with a 10-inch vibrator, not everything goes quite as Evie might have hoped . . .
Paperback ISBN 978-1-84739-087-5
Ebook ISBN 978-1-84739-481-1
The Mini Break Page 7
