by Amy Lillard
Gracie frowned. “Love is a luxury I can’t afford.”
* * *
The room smelled of new paint and sawdust, a surprisingly fresh smell.
“What do you think?” Leah asked as she coaxed Peter into the room. “Now you have your very own space.” She whirled around to look at it from all angles. “Of course, it still needs a little work, but in a day or two you should be able to move your things in here.” She kept up her steady stream of ideas for the room. “My mamm has a wardrobe out in the barn that she said she would let you have. That way you’ll have a place to keep your clothes. And I found a chest at a flea market that you can use as a toy box. I think it would look great at the end of the bed. Well, when you get your own bed. We’ll have to see what we can do about getting that first, huh? How else are you going to sleep here?”
Peter looked around the room, his eyes wide in wonder. As far as rooms went, it was about as basic as it could be, just a floored box with new drywall and two windows to help draw in the breeze. But to Leah it represented so much more. It was a fresh start for Peter, a new space for him to begin again.
“You know you can talk to me, don’t you?” she asked. “I know there are things that are hard to deal with, things that we might not want to think about. But sometimes if we talk them through, they don’t seem quite as large as they did while they were in our heads. Do you know what I mean?”
He nodded slowly.
“Good. I want you to know that I’m here if you need me. And you can talk to me about anything, okay?”
Once again he nodded.
Leah smiled. Jamie was convinced that Peter could talk. What if he was right and Peter simply didn’t want to speak? He needed to know that someone was there for him when the time came that he wanted to share what had been going on in his head these last few months.
A noise sounded from the front of the house. “That might be Jamie. Do you want to go see?”
Peter slipped his hand into hers, and together they went into the front room.
Jamie took his hat off and hung it on the peg by the door. “Hi,” he said. “Did you have a good evening?”
Leah swung their clasped hands and smiled down at the boy. “We did. We had supper with Eunice and Abner, then came back and played with some toys. Not the T-R-AC-T-O-R, but some other things.”
Jamie’s expression softened. “Thank you. And about that . . . I think I may have overreacted a bit about the T-R-A-C-T-O-R.”
You think? Somehow she kept those words confined in her own thoughts. “It happens,” she said instead.
“And I want to apologize. You can give him the T-R-A-C-T—uh, tractor.”
She smiled, though she did what she could to keep it from looking triumphant. “Thanks. It’s in my car. I’ll get it before I leave. So, how was the party?”
“It wasn’t really a party,” he said. “Just a group of friends getting together on Saturday night.”
“News flash: that’s a party.”
He frowned.
“Sorry,” she said. “What I mean is there’s not much difference, is there?”
He shrugged. “Cake?”
She laughed. “Good point. Did you have a fun time?”
“Jah, I guess. It was a little awkward. I didn’t know hardly anyone. Just Aaron and Hannah.”
“And Gracie.”
He shook his head. “Gracie wasn’t there.”
“She wasn’t?” Leah tried to hide her surprise. Earlier, Gracie had seemed all excited about going. What had changed her mind? Maybe something Leah had said?
“And everyone was married. I was the odd man out.”
“I bet.” She tried to feel sympathy, but she just couldn’t get it to replace the spark of joy. He had gone to the party and had an okay time. But he hadn’t been able to spend more time with Gracie, and there were no single women in attendance. Leah shouldn’t have been so happy about that, but she was.
Peter let go of her hand and made his way over to the couch. He climbed into the cushions and grabbed the book they had been reading earlier. He opened it and started flipping the pages, running one finger under the words as if he were actually reading it.
Leah cleared her throat. “I guess I should be going. Come with me out to the car and you can get the T-R-A-CT-O-R.”
Jamie chuckled.
“Good night, Peter,” she called, trying not to be so aware of Jamie as he followed her out the door.
The night was warm with a cool wind that promised fall was on its way. Nighttime birds called to one another over the constant drone of insects. A billion stars twinkled in the dark sky. There were no stars like that in the city.
“Thanks again for watching Peter,” Jamie said as they neared her car.
“No problem.” She adjusted the strap on her purse, a strange thought occurring to her. She had watched Peter at the request of Gracie, who didn’t even go to the event. Leah wasn’t sure what to make of it, so she simply got the tractor from the back seat and handed it to Jamie. “I’ll see you later.” Leah gave him one last smile, then ducked into the driver seat. What else was there to say?
He pushed the door closed behind her and took a step back. He gave a small wave, but made no move to go into the house.
A big part of her wanted to run down to her parents’ and find out just why Gracie didn’t go tonight, but another part of her just wanted to go home. She had been gone all day. Besides, she could find out what Gracie’s problem was tomorrow when she and Brandon came over after church. Unlike the Amish, the Mennonites held church in a building and every Sunday. Frankly, Leah liked going to the shorter service, even if it meant she had to go more often. It reminded her weekly—every day, actually, with all the events her church offered—that she needed to keep open lines with God.
And that was always a fine plan.
She returned Jamie’s wave. He gave a quick nod and turned for the cabin.
With a smile on her lips, she cranked her car and headed back to town.
* * *
The phone ringing in the middle of the night was never a good sign. It was one of the first things Leah had learned when she got out into the Englisch world. She fumbled with the bedside clock, then stopped to turn on the lamp so she could see it. Her cell phone’s melodic chime persistently continued. It was just after midnight.
Who was calling at this hour?
She pushed herself up in the bed, finally awake enough to register that she should actually answer the phone. She thumbed it on and swiped to answer. “Hello?” She didn’t bother to check the caller ID.
“Leah?” The frantic yet familiar voice came across the distance to her.
“Mamm?” She was instantly awake. “What’s wrong?”
“Is Tillie there with you?” Her mother sounded like she was about to cry. Leah could almost imagine her standing in their neighbor’s kitchen pacing as she tried to put together the pieces of what was happening. “Please tell me she’s there with you.”
Leah shook her head. “No, she’s not here.” Unless she snuck in after Leah went to bed. Maybe Brandon had heard her but hadn’t wanted to wake Leah so late.
“She’s gone.” Her mother sobbed. “I went into her room, and she isn’t there. The bed’s all made. Where could she be?”
A sinking feeling took up residence in Leah’s stomach.
“Let me check the apartment.” She pushed herself off the bed and made her way into the living room. Brandon was asleep on the couch with the TV still flickering, sending lights and shadows all around the room. If Brandon was out here, then maybe he had been the gentleman and given Tillie his bed. Possible.
“Where could she have gone?” Mamm asked. But Leah wasn’t sure her mamm really wanted an answer. Or that she would like the only one that came to mind.
Leah eased past Brandon and opened the door to his bedroom, careful not to disturb anyone who might be sleeping on the other side. She shouldn’t have bothered. His bed was empty, the covers thrown about
just the way he had left them that morning. One day he would make his bed, she was certain of it. But today wasn’t that day. Nor was it the day to bring it up.
“Leah?” Mamm asked.
“She’s not here.”
Her mother let out a ragged sigh. “What do we do? Where has she gone?”
“Mamm,” Leah started. “Calm down. Who was Tillie out with?”
She sniffed. “Melvin.”
“And he’s the only one?”
“Jah. That I know of.”
“When did you last see her?”
“Just after supper. They said they were going to the Rabers’ to play cards. How can she just disappear like that?”
Leah didn’t want to tell her mother what the woman should already know yet wasn’t able to accept. Why else would she have panicked at midnight when her daughter hadn’t come home? “Could it be that Tillie has left to experience the Englisch world?”
The thought was instantly sobering. Just having the words out and between them changed everything.
Her mother sniffed one last time. “Tillie would never do that.”
Just like I wouldn’t either.
“Maybe you should come with your car and help us find her,” Mamm pleaded.
Leah bit back a sigh. She was more likely to help find the note Tillie had left explaining why she was leaving. But when Mamm called . . . “I’ll be right there.”
* * *
Leah debated for three and a half minutes on whether or not to wake Brandon. In the end, she left him a note explaining where she had gone and why, finishing with her doubts about being back in time for church. He had his own car and a driver’s license. He could go or sleep in. Tomorrow was up to him.
The short drive to her parents’ house seemed to take twice as long as normal. There wasn’t any traffic on the road, so she could only blame the elongated perception on nerves. What was she going to find when she got to the house? How was she going to convince her mamm that Tillie was gone? Fine, but gone?
She said a small prayer of thanks that Hannah was there. She needed her sister to help. Leah had never wanted to leave the Amish. The possibility hadn’t entered her thoughts until Hannah and her blasted Englisch magazines. Once Hannah got the idea in her head to leave, all Leah could do was try to keep up. She couldn’t let her twin sister leave alone.
The whole house seemed awake when she got there. Lamps were lit in nearly every room, as if Mamm was afraid Tillie was lost and needed the light to find her way back. Or maybe in her anxious state, Mamm had lit them, then forgot to turn them off before going to the next room.
“Leah!” Mamm rushed out onto the porch as Leah pulled her car to a stop and got out. “Thank heavens you’re okay. I was getting worried.”
“Nothing to worry about, Mamm.”
She shook her head. “There’s plenty to worry about.”
Hannah came out of the house and looked past Leah as if expecting someone else. Gracie was right behind her.
“I left him sleeping,” Leah said. “Teenager and all.”
Hannah smiled, but her face was still in shadows. Leah knew she missed Brandon; that alone was enough to dampen her expression. Add in the fact that Tillie was gone . . .
“Abner,” Mamm called and headed toward the barn. She had a flashlight in one hand, the beam bobbing as she made her way.
“Is Dat in the barn?” Leah asked.
“You know how he is. Once the commotion started he headed for the workshop.”
No one would ever accuse their father of handling situations straight on. He had to saw some wood, plane a surface, and paint whatever wasn’t painted. The sheer work and concentration somehow got his thoughts back in order. But it shut his family out until he came to terms.
“Do you suppose he did that when we left?” Leah asked.
“No one’s ever said, but I would imagine.”
Leah nodded. “Has anyone looked for a note?”
Gracie shook her head. “Eunice doesn’t want to believe that Tillie would actually leave.”
“She finally got us all back in town, and then Tillie takes off.” Hannah sighed.
No wonder Mamm was in denial.
Leah glanced back toward the workshop. She could hear her parents talking, but couldn’t understand what was being said.
“She’s been trying for over an hour to get him to take the buggy and go look for her.”
“What about Melvin?”
“I think that’s why Mamm wanted you to come out with your car. It would be easier for you to drive over there and see if he’s home.”
And safer. The buggies shared the roads with cars and trucks alike. It was dangerous enough in the daytime. At night? Far more dangerous than anyone should risk unless absolutely necessary. “Maybe we should look for a note first.”
“Maybe,” Hannah agreed.
“I checked down by the pond,” Jim said, emerging from the darkness and nearly scaring her to death.
“What are you doing, Jim?” she gasped.
“Mamm wanted me to look down by the pond.”
“She’s not in the animal graveyard.” This came from Jamie. Like Jim, he appeared out of the darkness, having turned off his flashlight—she supposed to save the batteries.
“What would she be doing at the pond or in the animal graveyard at this time of night?” It was late, and her mother was not allowing any thoughts other than that they would find Tillie because she had wandered off.
“What are you doing here?” Leah asked Jamie. Not that she was unhappy to see him. Even if they seemed to continually get on each other’s last nerve, she wanted him to know how special it was that he was helping them.
“Your mamm came knocking on the door when she realized that Tillie wasn’t home from her date.” He shrugged. “I thought I should help.”
Because that was what they did. They helped one another. She wanted to point that out to him, but refrained. No sense starting an argument with him. One would surely break out of its own accord soon enough.
“Thanks for helping,” Leah said with a quick nod.
He pressed his lips together and dipped his chin in return.
“Leah, you want to help me check her room?” Hannah asked.
“Sure.” They needed to find the note, and as quickly as possible. Mamm wasn’t about to let any of this go until she knew for sure where Tillie was. And without that note, the next stop would be Melvin’s parents’ house to see if he was there. That was one of the main problems about not having phones in shanties close by, or even in the barn like she had heard some places in Lancaster County had. She knew the bishop would never go for the idea, but she could wish all the same.
Not that it mattered to her personally. She was, after all, Mennonite now. But it really would have helped her mother tonight.
“Where’s David?” Leah looked around for her other brother.
Jim chuckled, but shook his head. “You know Dave. He could sleep through the house falling down around him.”
Leah laughed, but the sound was too shrill in the serious darkness. “That’s true.” Too true.
“C’mon.” Hannah looped one arm through Leah’s and the other through Gracie’s. “Let’s go find that note.”
* * *
It took another fifteen minutes to find the note. Leah wasn’t sure if Tillie had been trying to make sure her mother found it, or if she had hid it to buy herself some time. At any rate, she had stuck it in the container of flour she kept in the pantry. Mamm always made biscuits on Sunday mornings. Maybe Tillie didn’t want her to worry while she was cooking.
Mamm sat at the kitchen table dabbing her eyes with the end of her apron. “Read it again, please.”
Leah dusted off her hands and shook the letter once again. Flour streaked her skirt and her long-sleeved shirt as if she had been hard at work cooking something. Like she cooked anything these days.
“Dear Mamm, Dat, and family,
It may come as a surprise to many o
f you, but this is something I have been thinking about for a long time now. I didn’t make this decision hastily or without contemplation. Melvin and I have gone to the Englisch world to see if there’s anything there for us. We’re not entirely sure what we will find, but only know that we need to see for ourselves. It’s been Melvin’s dream for a long while now to fix engines and work on cars.”
Mamm sucked in a hiccupping sob.
“We are safe, and we are together. I hope you find comfort in that. And we’ll write as soon as we have any sort of news.
Until then, we mean no disrespect. But this is something we have to do. I hope you understand.
Tillie.”
“There’s nothing else?” Mamm asked.
“No.” Leah had answered the same question four times now, once after each time she had read the letter. She wasn’t certain what her mother was looking for—maybe another note that said Tillie wasn’t serious, and she was just over at a friend’s spending the night? It was hard to say, but it was obvious that Mamm needed something more. “She says she’s safe,” Leah added.
Mamm shook her head, tears filling her eyes. “How can we know that to be true? She wrote that before she even left the house.”
“I think she means that she and Melvin have a safe place to stay tonight,” Hannah explained.
“And tomorrow?” Mamm asked.
“I’m sure she has someplace safe to stay tomorrow as well,” Hannah clarified.
“Tillie’s smart,” Leah pointed out. “She knows how to take care of herself.” At least she hoped she did.
They had all tried to warn Tillie against leaving. They had tried to explain that the grass wasn’t always greener. But Leah had been through the same thing with Hannah. Tillie had to know for herself, firsthand.
Mamm wagged her head sadly from side to side.
Leah caught Hannah’s gaze. In that instant they shared so much. Faith that Tillie would be safe. Hope that she would once again find her way home. And remorse over causing their mother so much pain all those years ago.
“I guess all we can do is wait.” Mamm pushed to her feet and let out a heavy sigh.
“And pray,” Gracie added.
