“What?” Joey asked. “Almost as if what?”
“I don’t really know,” Susanna said. “The way he is so protective. It’s as if…as if he knows the temptations…himself. But that can’t be. Daett has always been Amish through and through.”
“He certainly was today,” Joey said.
“Joey, thanks for coming to the house. This was painful, but it was bound to happen sooner or later.”
“I’m glad I came too,” he said, leading the way inside.
Susanna made her way straight to the piano and sat down on the bench. Her fingers seemed to drift for a moment, until she found the right keys. Slowly the music rose, one note at a time until the melody formed itself. Joey walked closer to look over Susanna’s shoulder. The tune was unfamiliar to him and complicated. The sounds rose and fell, angry at first, followed by strident tones that grated the soul. Then high notes descended toward subtle sounds of beauty and agony mixed together.
“That was beautiful,” Joey whispered when she paused.
Susanna didn’t answer as the tempo picked up again. Joey listened. Susanna was playing from her heart. Joey closed his eyes. What would it be like to have such a woman as his wife, to cherish her with all of his heart—a woman so beautiful, more beautiful than he had dared imagine a woman could be? Joey kept his eyes closed and willed the music to continue.
Chapter Seven
When Joey took Susanna home late that afternoon, both Daett and Mamm were waiting for her.
“Come, we must talk,” Daett said as soon as she walked through the door. She took a seat on the couch, and Daett continued, “This cannot go on, Susanna.”
Susanna lowered her head and offered, “If it will make you feel better, I’ll stay home from the hymn singing tonight as my punishment.”
“You will do no such thing,” Mamm said. “The very thought of making this disobedience public is simply unthinkable. People know too much already.”
“I could say I was ill.” Susanna wrinkled up her face. “I kind of am.”
“You’re not ill,” Mamm said. “And neither are you sorry for what you did.”
“Instead, we will go with you to the hymn singing!” Daett decreed.
“That won’t do any good,” Susanna said. “Do you really think I’d see Joey on the way there and leave with him again? Besides, I’ll be with Henry and James.”
“There is no other way. All of our nerves are on edge.”
Susanna forced a laugh. “What do you expect? That I’ll see Joey on the road and elope? Besides, Henry, James, and Matthew will…” Susanna stopped.
“We’re going with you, and that’s final,” Mamm said. “And then afterward, we’re going to have to have a talk. You need to know—”
“Please, not now,” Daett interrupted.
Mamm faced Daett. “She must be told, Ralph. She should have been told long ago. Maybe that’s why the Lord is punishing us for our deception.”
Daett paled but said nothing more.
Susanna focused first on one face and then the other. What was Mamm talking about? What must she be told? Was there some punishment in store for her? Had a marriage with Ernest Helmuth already been arranged?
“We will speak with her after the hymn singing!” Mamm said. “I have put up with this secret for long enough.”
Daett reached over to touch Mamm’s arm. Distress was written deep across his face. “We can still turn this around, Linda. We don’t have to speak of the past. Susanna will listen to reason.”
“Look how she’s acting now,” Mamm snapped. “No, she must be told!”
Susanna cringed and sat lower on the couch, thoroughly confused. Maybe time spent at the hymn singing—where they sang praises to the Lord—would clear everyone’s mind. In the meantime she wouldn’t worry about this secret Mamm spoke of. Everyone had secrets, and they eventually spilled. Look at her and Joey.
“Are we having supper tonight?” young Noah called from the kitchen doorway. “I’m starving.”
“Yah, of course.” Mamm attempted a smile. She glanced back at Susanna before she dashed off.
“I should join Mamm,” Susanna said to Daett, who stood in front of her. Tears were running down his cheeks and into his beard. Susanna rose to her feet and wrapped her arms around him.
“I am still your father,” Daett whispered.
“Yah, I know.” Susanna gazed up at him, holding back her own tears. “And I do love you, you know that?”
Daett turned his eyes toward the window. “You will always be my daughter,” he said. “My only daughter.”
A lump gathered in Susanna’s throat.
Daett’s hand reached down to lift her chin. “You are so beautiful, Susanna, so like your…” Daett stopped with a distant look in his eyes.
“Like Mamm, yah?” Susanna pulled on his hand. “I know.”
“You are my daughter,” Daett repeated. “This I will never forget.”
“Yah,” Susanna agreed. “But what do you mean?”
She waited but Daett didn’t answer. She was ready to speak again when Mamm called from the kitchen doorway. “Susanna, I need your help.”
Daett’s hand lingered on hers before he let go. There was sorrow in Mamm’s eyes when Susanna turned to face her, but Mamm hid the look at once with a grim smile. “I really do need your help.”
“Yah, I’m coming,” Susanna said, hurrying into the kitchen.
“What did you do when you left with that guy this afternoon?” Noah glared up at her from the bench.
Susanna didn’t answer, but gave him a smile. What was there to say about all this that a ten-year-old boy could understand?
Mamm stood at the stove and turned to give Susanna an accusing look. Mamm said no words, but Susanna heard them plainly enough: “Look at the kind of example you’re setting for the younger ones.”
She already knew she was a bad example. But what she wanted to know was why. Weren’t brothers supposed to be the wild ones? Yet neither of the two oldest, Henry and James, had exhibited any of the rebellion she manifested on weekends—or during the week, for that matter. Wasn’t she part of this family? Yah, Daett had made the point only moments ago.
Susanna pulled the plates from the upper cupboard and avoided Noah’s steady gaze. He followed her with his eyes as she set the table. A quick retort wanted to escape her lips, but Susanna suppressed the words.
“What were you doing with that Englisha boy today?” Noah finally asked again.
Mamm spoke up for her. “Susanna is sorry for her actions, so don’t worry about it.”
Noah’s gaze still followed her.
Now shame filled Susanna at the memory of those moments in the Macalister home this afternoon. The music had seemed to pour from her fingers without any thought on her part. Noah knew nothing about Englisha music or what happened on rumspringa. No, she was the one with secrets, and terrible ones at that.
A plate slipped from Susanna’s fingers and crashed to the floor. She gasped and waited for Mamm’s sharp rebuke, but only silence filled the kitchen. This is an omen if ever there was one, she thought to herself. An omen of what lay ahead of her if she continued in her rebellion. Then she gazed to her feet to see the plate in one piece.
“It didn’t break,” Noah said with amazement on his face.
“That was awful clumsy of you, Susanna!” Mamm still chided. “Thank the Lord no harm was done, but next time…”
Mamm cut off her words to pick up the plate. But her meaning was plain enough. There was a limited time of grace left in her life in which to reform.
“It twirled twice in the air,” Noah said, his face glowing with admiration. He was obviously impressed for all the wrong reasons.
Susanna’s cheeks burned. She forced herself to slow down and set each plate with care. With her head down, she set the utensils on the table.
She glanced over to Noah and said, “You could help set these.”
Noah shrugged and reached for the spoons without o
bjection.
As Susanna placed the last of the forks, she gave Noah a smile. “Thank you for your help.”
He glowed again but said nothing. Mamm placed the bowl of soup on the table and gave Susanna a quick glance before she called out, “Supper’s ready, Ralph. Call the boys. We’ll be late already.”
Daett’s footsteps moved toward the front door, and his voice filled the house as he called toward the barn, “Supper, boys. Come at once.”
Moments later the utility room’s screen door slammed, and the sound of chatter from Henry and James could be heard. Small Tobias had come in behind them, after having watched his big brothers at work. They all fell silent once in the kitchen. Each one pulled out a chair and sat down at his customary place. Daett was already in his seat.
“We’re all going to the hymn singing tonight,” Noah announced before Daett could say anything.
“Hush,” Mamm said. “We’re ready to pray.”
Noah appeared sheepish and ducked his head. Susanna pressed her eyes shut and focused on Daett’s prayer. Somehow she must gain control of herself.
“Now unto the most high God,” Daett was saying, “we give thanks tonight for the meal prepared before us. We are unworthy of even this, the most humble of gifts that You, O Lord, have bestowed upon us. Forgive us of our ungratefulness and the murmuring that stirs often in our hearts. Make us truly grateful for what You have given by Your gracious hand. Amen.”
“Amen,” the others echoed.
Henry piped up immediately. “Someone please pass the soup. I’m starved. I thought supper would never come.”
“Susanna was being rebuked,” Noah offered. “That’s why supper is late.”
Silence fell around the table.
“We will speak of something else now,” Daett finally said. “Susanna will seek repentance in her heart.”
The tinkling of soupspoons resumed, but Susanna kept her head down. Her older brothers all knew of her transgressions, and they would respect Daett’s instructions not to discuss them at the dinner table. But the events of the day still left a heavy silence at the table. The seconds ticked past, and thankfully James soon asked, “What’s this about the hymn singing, Noah?”
“We’re all going!” Noah proclaimed, the glow back on his face.
“But why?” James asked. “Not that I’m complaining.”
“Then just be thankful,” Daett said. “We’re not discussing this, remember.”
James shrugged and turned his attention back to his soup bowl.
“Can I ride with you?” Noah piped up.
Susanna kept her head down as her brothers sparred and made the arrangements for who would ride with whom. She would go with Henry—that was already a fixed point. Now if only the rest of her life could be that simple.
Chapter Eight
Later that evening, Susanna followed Mamm out of the hymn singing to the washroom, where they had left their shawls. Daett had gone out the front door with Henry and James ten minutes earlier to ready their buggies, but why Daett was in such a hurry to leave wasn’t her concern. What she wanted to know was why Daett had engaged Ernest Helmuth in a long conversation before the hymn singing. They had spoken so long that Daett and Ernest had entered the house only moments before the first song began. To make matters worse, the two had their heads together before Daett had left with Henry and James.
What kind of plans had Daett made with Ernest? Had they discussed some sort of arrangement for her to be married to him? It didn’t seem likely. Amish parents didn’t force their daughters into unwanted marriages.
“Why didn’t you return Ernest’s smiles tonight?” Mamm chided as the washroom door closed behind them. “Surely you noticed them.”
“How do you know I didn’t return them?” Susanna asked.
“Did you?” Mamm said, searching for her shawl in the pile.
They both knew the answer. Susanna remained silent as they slipped their shawls on and left. Yah, she had glanced once in Ernest’s direction, but the memory of Joey and the wunderbah afternoon she had spent with him rushed into her mind, pushing thoughts of Ernest away. How could forbidden things bring such joy into her heart? She would think no more about Ernest Helmuth tonight. Instead, she would focus on the conversation Daett had promised would occur once they arrived back at the house. Likely Daett had another lecture ready for her, or some hint at what he had said to Ernest. What else could it be?
“Henry’s buggy is over there. I’m going that way,” Susanna muttered before slipping away from Mamm into the darkness.
“See you at home,” Mamm called after her. “Wait up for us. Remember!”
Susanna kept her head down and didn’t answer. Mamm knew she would obey. That much she could do.
Henry greeted her. “Hi, there. Your chariot is ready.”
Susanna chuckled in spite of herself. Henry’s humor was always appreciated, especially in tense situations. She should keep him around for the rest of the evening, but that likely wasn’t possible.
“I’m surprised Ernest doesn’t have you in his buggy already,” Henry cracked. “I do declare, the man was sending longing looks your way all evening. I thought for sure he had a date up his sleeve.”
“Stop it,” Susanna scolded. “I’m going home with my handsome brother as I’m supposed to.”
“Woohoo!” Henry said with a low whistle. “I like that.”
He fastened the last tug and motioned for Susanna to climb into the buggy. She did, and Henry tossed her the lines. With a flourish Henry pulled himself up while Susanna held the reins tight.
Susanna sighed and settled into the buggy seat. She handed the reins over to Henry, and they took off down Bishop Enos’s lane. Susanna caught sight of Ernest Helmuth’s face in the yard as they passed. The man had his head down and was headed for the barn. His two little girls hadn’t been with him tonight. Maybe Henry had been right. Perhaps the man did have hopes that she would allow him to drive her home after the hymn singing.
“I just saw Ernest,” Henry said. “He’ll be following us home, no doubt.”
“Stop teasing,” Susanna said.
“He’s like a coonhound with his nose to the scent,” Henry added with a laugh.
Susanna stared out into the darkness and didn’t respond. She pressed her hands together and listened to the steady beat of Ranger’s hooves on the pavement. The turn onto Maple Ridge Road was a mile down, but she wished the ride would go for hours. Even with Henry’s teasing, there was a measure of peace inside the buggy that likely wouldn’t last once they arrived at the house.
“I think you deserve better,” Henry finally offered. “You should think about that.”
Susanna looked at him. “Really! So you’re coming to your senses?”
Henry didn’t laugh. “I don’t mean Ernest. It’s that Joey fellow who’s beneath you. And there are other options beside Ernest,” he added. “I saw Emory Yoder making eyes at you a few months ago.”
“Stop it,” Susanna ordered.
“Would you accept a date if Emory asked to take you home?” Henry asked.
“I’m not responding to that,” Susanna told him.
“It’s just as well,” Henry went on. “I don’t think Emory is interested anyway once it comes right down to it.”
“Would you stop talking about me?” Susanna got in edgewise.
Henry ignored her. “In fact, Emory isn’t the only one to lose interest. I seem to remember not long ago Mark Troyer was smiling your way quite a bit. But not lately.”
Susanna pressed her lips together. Was this true? Both Emory and Mark had considered her, but changed their minds? Henry would have this straight, but she had been too wrapped up in Joey to notice. So why didn’t an Amish man other than Ernest Helmuth follow through on his interest in her? Not that she was interested in them, but still…what was wrong with her?
Susanna pushed the dark thought away as Henry pulled back on the reins. They bounced into the Millers’ driveway and came to
a stop near the barn door. Susanna climbed down to wait while Daett drove his buggy in behind them with James, Noah, and Tobias in the backseat. Mamm stepped down and walked with Susanna toward the house while the men unhitched the buggies.
“Can’t we just go to bed and forget about all this tonight?” Susanna begged at the front door. “It’s already late.”
“You would be up till midnight if you were on a date,” Mamm said. “We are going to talk tonight, Susanna. Daett has it all planned. Besides, it’s way past time to get this out in the open.”
Susanna wanted to protest further, but resistance was futile. She took her seat on the couch and waited. The minutes seemed to drag into hours before the voices of her brothers and Daett came from the washroom. The kitchen door slammed next. Henry paused for a moment at the sight of her on the couch, but he hurried on when Daett made a quick motion with his hand toward the stairs. Noah wasn’t so easily persuaded. He walked past Daett and came to a stop in front of Susanna. “What have you done wrong now?” he demanded.
Susanna tried to smile. “Don’t worry about me, Noah. Just go to bed.”
“But I want to know,” Noah protested. “Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything?”
Mamm hurried over and hustled Noah up the stairs and closed the door behind him. Susanna sat up straight as the sound of another set of buggy wheels could be heard in the driveway. Mamm and Daett exchanged looks, and Daett rushed outside again.
“Who is that?” Susanna asked. Visions of a visit from Deacon Herman flashed through her mind. Had Daett gone to such extremes? Surely her transgressions didn’t merit a visit from the deacon on a Sunday evening?
“It’s Ernest Helmuth,” Mamm said, her lips set firmly.
Susanna drew a long breath. “You have set up a date with the man—for me, without asking me?”
Until I Love Again Page 5
