“I get it, I do,” Dylan replied immediately. “Just know, Parker, that when you are ready, I'll be right here waiting for you.” Dylan couldn't help herself, she kissed Parker again lightly and then stood. “How about we make some dinner and then we can talk about that letter okay?”
Parker nodded. “Yes, dinner. That would be good.”
Dylan nodded, smiled and made her way to the kitchen.
Parker got up to follow, taking one last look at the envelope but not daring to touch it and let that evil into her life again—not yet.
Dinner was a silent affair. All things considered, it had taken place in comfortable silence. Dylan had thrown some chicken in the oven while Parker had fixed them both a salad. Both women had stolen looks at each other in between bites when they thought the other wasn't looking. Every time Dylan caught Parker looking at her, her heart raced. She felt both exhilarated and absolutely terrified. What if that kiss was a one-time thing? Did she take advantage of Parker while she was in a vulnerable state? Dylan was suddenly riddled with doubt and insecurity. Please, God, don't let me screw this up, she silently prayed. She suddenly lost her appetite. “May we should—”
“Do you think we should,” both women said at the exact same time. They looked at each other and laughed, some of the tension melted away.
“You first,” Dylan said.
Parker looked down and played with the napkin that was lying in her lap. She didn't want to hurt Dylan. In fact, that was the last thing on earth she wanted to do. She had enjoyed the kiss—a lot. She thought she could finally admit to herself that she did have feelings for Dylan, even if she couldn't admit it to anyone else, at least, not yet. “I care for you, Dylan, I do. I just—I'm just not sure what to do with all these feelings right now. I'm confused and I'm afraid. I just don't know if I am good for you or for anyone, in that—way.” Parker stopped and shook her head. Dylan deserved so much more than the mess that she was right now. She felt she couldn't even complete a sentence and she was sure that she wasn't making any sense at all. She brought slightly trembling hands up and rested them on the table in front of her. She couldn't look at Dylan yet. She didn't think that she could bear seeing disappointment and hurt in those clear blue eyes.
Dylan reached over and lay her hand on top of Parker's squeezing slightly. “Parker?” Parker kept her eyes on her lap. “Parker, look at me. Please.”
Parker looked up and didn't see any of the things she had feared in Dylan's eyes. What she did see was understanding and comfort and something else. Something Parker wasn't ready to admit to yet, but she knew.
“It's okay, Parker. It's going to be okay.” Dylan continued holding fast to Parker's hand and her eyes. “I understand that you're scared and confused. I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't all of those things myself. I do have feelings for you, you know that. But I would never force you into something that you weren't ready for. I'm your friend first and foremost. That kiss was—well it was wonderful.”
Parker blushed at that and Dylan thought she fell a little bit more in love with her at that moment.
“It was wonderful, but some things just can't be rushed, and some things, Parker, are worth waiting for.”
Parker stared at Dylan. Brown eyes met blue and Parker saw the honestly of Dylan’s words shining back at her. “Thank you,” she said “For understanding, and for the kiss. It was wonderful.”
Dylan gave her a crooked grin, and Parker's heart skipped a beat. I'm in so much trouble here, she thought as she stood and took Dylan's hand to lead her back into the living room.
They spent the rest of the evening talking about the parole hearing and whether or not Parker would attend. Dylan, although vowing to support Parker in any decision that she made, was actually leaning towards Parker not going. She just couldn't stand the thought of Parker having to go through the pain and agony of that loss again. Also, she absolutely bristled at the thought of Parker in the same room as Carl Porter.
“I think I have to go,” Parker said finally after hashing it over for hours. “They need to know what he did, what he took from me.” She sat up straighter with a renewed strength now that her decision had been made. “Those people, that will be there to decide Porter's fate need to know that he took much more than Grace's life that day.” There was always a ripple effect to violence, Parker thought. Grace’s life ended that day, so did her camera man’s. In so many ways, Parker’s life ended as well, or at least, it was forever altered. She would never again be able to return to the path her life had once been on. None of them could. Carl Porter stopped two beating hearts when he pulled that trigger, and broke countless more. “They need to remember. He needs to remember her. I'm her voice now and her story should never stop being told.”
Dylan could see that Parker had her mind made up and was absolutely determined. She respected Parker, and her heart swelled with pride. After all that Parker had suffered, all that she had survived—Dylan wasn't sure if she could have been nearly as strong if the tables were turned.
“What are you smiling at?” Parker said, breaking Dylan from her thoughts.
Dylan walked over to Parker and hugged her fiercely. “You have more strength than you could possibly understand. I know you don't see it, but I do. You're the bravest person I know.” Dylan kissed Parker briefly on the forehead and let her go.
Parker stood silently where she was for a moment. “I don't feel very brave or strong,” she whispered.
“I know you don't” Dylan replied. “I truly hope, though, that one day, even for just one moment, you will see yourself through my eyes. I am so proud of you. Grace would be so very proud of you.”
Parker sniffed, not wanting to cry again. “Do you really think so? That she would be proud?”
Parker looked so childlike at that moment that Dylan's heart broke for her. “I really do.”
Parker nodded resolutely, drawing strength from Dylan's words, from the woman before her. It was funny, she thought. A few months ago, Dylan was a stranger to Parker. When Dylan first came into Parker’s life it had been like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. Dylan tore down Parker’s walls and threw her entire life upside down with her stalwart presence and support. Surprisingly, Parker found that once she allowed it, hanging upside down for a little while wasn't all that bad. She could see everything that she had before, just from a completely different perspective. And, low and behold, that once immovable object—moved.
“There is someone else I need to talk to about all of this. Janis,” Parker said.
Dylan frowned not recognizing the name. “Janis? Is that a friend?”
Parker smiled sadly at that. “She used to be. She's also Grace's mother.”
Dylan didn't know what to say. She had never once heard Parker mention Grace's mother or any of her family. She had just assumed she had passed away if she even thought of it at all.
“I haven't spoken to her since the funeral. I couldn't face her.” A slight tremor ran through Parker's body and Dylan wanted to go to her and comfort her. Something told her to stay where she was and just listen. “Grace was Janis' only child,” Parker explained. “Her father had passed away when Grace was just a child. After that, it was just Grace and Janis. She was utterly devastated by Grace’s death; we all were. Janis tried to reach out to me—for months, but I couldn't face her. I couldn't help feeling responsible for her only child be taken so violently from her. I still can't.” Parker wasn't even aware of the tears that once again traveled down her face. “I loved Janis. She was like a second mother to me, but I couldn't face her. I couldn't bear the weight of her loss and mine. So, I did the cowardly thing. I didn't take her calls. I wouldn't answer the door when she showed up to visit. I let Samantha deal with that. God, I don't think I can ever repay Sam for all she has done for me. I returned all of Janis' letters. Eventually, the calls, and the visits, and the letters just stopped. I suppose she finally gave up on me as a lost cause like everyone else did. Everyone, of course, except Sa
m, and now, you.”
Dylan didn't know what to say. She said the first thing that came into her mind. “Maybe she just realized that her visits and calls, at that time anyway, would cause you more pain than you were already in, and she didn't want that. It's not too late, Parker. Call her.”
Parker nodded. “I have to. I know she will be at that hearing. She never missed a day of the trial. I want to make sure that it's okay with her that I'm there too. I don't want to hurt her more than I already have.”
Dylan sighed but said nothing. Oh sweetheart, when are you going to stop trying to take the weight of the world on yourself. Without even realizing it, Dylan had stepped closer to Parker. Parker grabbed Dylan's hand and laced their fingers together. “Thank you, Dylan—for everything.” There was so much more that Parker wanted to say but couldn't. She only hoped that Dylan could read the depth of her feelings in her eyes.
“You're welcome but I didn't really do anything. I was just a sounding board here.”
Oh, Dylan. “You were, you are so much more than that,” Parker replied. “I'm going to go upstairs and make that call. Maybe we can watch a movie or something when I'm done. I don't mean to exclude you it's just—”
“Go,” Dylan interrupted. “Go do what you have to do. I'll be right here waiting when you're done.” Parker nodded and made her way carefully up the stairs. When Dylan had lost sight of her she sighed and said softly. “I'll be here, Parker. Always.”
CHAPTER NINE
Parker sat on the chair in her bedroom phone in hand. She always knew that eventually she would have to talk to Janis again. She always wanted to. She never really thought that so much time would pass before she did. Would Janis even want to hear from her now? Wouldn't Parker just be a reminder of what she had lost? Parker cursed herself for wasting so many years, drowning in self-pity and isolation. She hurt so many people by walling herself away, when all she wanted to do was stop the pain—stop the hurting. Ironically, she’d only succeeded in perpetuating pain for everyone, including herself. That was the thing about grief. Everyone did it their own way, in their own time. There was no right way to grieve. A part of the Parker she’d known, did die with Grace that day. She wouldn't ever be able to get that part of herself back. Burt not all of her had vanished. There were still bits and pieces of Parker’s former self that shined through from time to time. More so, she thought, since Dylan had arrived in her life. Why was she having so much trouble letting go of the pain? She thought she knew a little bit of the reason why. Parker couldn't help but feel that if she stopped hurting, she would stop remembering, and then somehow, she would forget Grace. It was silly, her head knew that but her heart didn't. She didn't want to let go of the dreams she once shared with Grace. She didn’t want to let go of their love. Parker knew that she couldn't hold onto the pain and the guilt forever. Grace wouldn't want that for her. She knew that too. She thought that Grace would probably be quite upset with her for allowing her isolation to go on this long. Grace had been a force of nature. She tackled things head on where Parker always wanted to have a plan. Some of the only fights they had ever had, had been about Parker's lack of spontaneity. Grace dived in headfirst. Parker liked to test the water with her toe. “I'm sorry baby,” Parker whispered. “I'm sorry we didn't have more adventures. I'm sorry we didn't have more time. I'm just so sorry.” Parker shook her head and gripped the phone tighter. Would it ever end? Would she ever feel happy and light again? She thought about the woman waiting for her downstairs and thought that someday, she just might. She took a deep breath and dialed Janis' number.
Dylan busied herself with doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. She worried about Parker and the conversation Parker was having in the room above her. She wondered how she could convince Parker that she wasn't responsible for other people's pain—for their grief and loss. She knew those thoughts were ingrained so deeply inside of Parker that she feared Parker would never be able to erase them. Dylan wondered, not for the first time, what she would be like if she had been through the things Parker had experienced. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine watching her spouse shot. Murdered right in front of her eyes. The pain and the absolute terror that must have encompassed that moment was unfathomable to Dylan. Her body shook and tears sprang to her eyes. She wasn't at all sure that she would be able to survive something like that. She didn't blame Parker at all for the things Parker did to protect herself from the enormous pain in the years since. “We all do what we have to do to survive,” she thought. She wondered though, how much longer Parker could last under the enormous weight of her own guilt. Would it eventually crush her? “Not if I can help it” Dylan said aloud as she turned off the kitchen lights and sat down on the couch to wait for Parker's return.
Parker stared at the phone in her hand as if it might bite her. “This is ridiculous,” she said to herself. “Just dial the damn number.” Yet she couldn't make her fingers do what she wanted them to do. She had nothing but fond memories of Janis. Janis had always treated Parker like a second daughter and had been nothing but accepting of her and Grace's relationship. She remembered a moment about six months or so after she and Grace had started dating:
“Come on baby! I always wanted to make love in my childhood bedroom.”
Parker had come home with Grace from college for a visit an to meet her family for the first time. “First of all, that's weird.” Parker said with a laugh, giving Grace a pinch on the cheek. “Second of all, what if your mom comes home? Not exactly the first impression I want to make here hon.”
Grace smiled and took Parker’s hand, pulling her down onto the twin bed beside her. “My mother is going to love you. Stop worrying.” Grace kissed Parker softly and Parker melted into the touch. “And she won't be home from work for at least four hours.”
Grace wore a sly smile on her face, and Parker knew she could deny her nothing. Parker laughed out loud when she remembered what had happened next. Janis had, of course, come home early from work wanting to surprise her daughter. “Well, she certainly did surprise us,” Parker thought, covering her mouth to prevent a giggle from escaping. Janis had walked in on them giving Grace's childhood bed a workout. All she said was “Oh my,” before retreating from the bedroom and closing the door. Parker thought she would die right then and there.
Parker and Grace hurriedly dressed and left the room. Janis gave Grace a knowing smile. Grace had blushed. Janis then walked directly over to Parker, stared at her a moment and then hugged her. “Well, welcome to the family!” Janis gave her a wink. Parker had never been so embarrassed in her life but somehow Janis had made it all okay.
Parker sighed, both happy and sad recalling the memory. They were both so young then—and free. She dialed the phone, placed it to her ear and waited for it to be picked up on the other end.
Downstairs, Dylan made a phone call of her own. “Hey, Cory, how's it going?”
“Dylan!! My God, it's been forever since you’ve called. How are you? How's the new job treating you?”
Dylan smiled at her friend’s enthusiasm and felt mildly guilty for not calling sooner. “I'm good, really good. Sorry, I haven't called lately. I've been kind of busy. The job is good. Parker is great. She graduated to a walking cast last week and her recovery is right on track.”
Dylan's voice had a dreamy quality to it when she said Parker's name. A fact that did not escape Cory's attention. “Things with you and Parker are going well then.” Cory fished for information.
“You could say that” Dylan blushed. She couldn't hold it in anymore and blurted out. “She kissed me! Or I kissed her. Well, we kissed each other,” Dylan said all in one breath.
Cory laughed. “That's great Dill. I'm happy for you.”
“Yeah me too, it's just...” Dylan's voice fell flat, and Cory worried for her friend. Cory stayed silent sensing that Dylan needed someone to listen. “I like her Cory. A lot. I may even love her,” Dylan continued. Although Dylan already knew that she was very much in love with the w
oman upstairs, saying it loud felt taboo. She chuckled at her own superstition. “I think, no I know that she cares for me too. She's just so scared.”
Cory, of course, knew what had happened to Parker's wife. She herself had watched it happen live on television that morning. She shuddered at the memory.
“I want to be here for her and protect her,” Dylan continued. “But how do I protect her from her own memories. They haunt her, Cory. How do I compete with the ghosts of her past?”
Dylan sounded almost defeated already and Cory was concerned. “You can't, Dylan. Love isn't a competition. You can't erase her memories, or her pain. Honestly, I don't think she would want you to. You're not a replacement for what she has lost. Good and bad, those memories are a part of what makes her Dylan. You can't protect her from the horrors of her past. All you can do is be there when she stumbles and just love her. Scars and all.”
Dylan nodded even though she knew Cory couldn't see her. “I will. I do,” she half whispered, feeling the absolute truth in her words.
“Be patient with her, Dylan. That's what she needs right now.”
“Thanks Cory. For everything.” Dylan felt a renewed sense of determination and was glad she had reached out and called her friend. Cory and Dylan exchanged goodbyes with Dylan promising not to wait so long to call next time. Dylan hung up the phone and her thoughts turned immediately to what Parker was doing upstairs. She wished she could help her, but she knew calling Grace's mother again was something that Parker had to do all on her own. She just prayed that it was going well.
***
“Hello?” Janis' voice startled Parker for a moment and she didn't know what to say. “Hello?” Janis repeated, a note of irritation in her voice now.
Parker cleared her throat. “Janis, Hello.” Parker heard a quick intake of breath on the other end of the line.
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