“You must like cucumbers.” He’s standing so close now. His warmth spreads into me. His scent is so clean, even if he has been hiking around for months. Like Jay, he smells of the snow and trees, but he also smells of fabric softener. And everything about his scent is driving me batty.
I look down at the phallic vegetables. I’ve got to get some kind of control over myself, my hormones. I’ll humiliate myself if I don’t. I probably already am humiliating myself.
Swallowing, I nod. “I do. I was thinking of a cucumber salad. You like cucumbers?”
The skin around H’s eyes crinkle. He nods. “Yep.”
“So—so what is it you guys do when you’re not hiking around Yellowstone?” I ask, trying my damnedest to not look at the huge bag of cucumbers I’m loading into the cart as I amble away from H and his warmth and those eyes of his that make me feel…okay, I’ve never known what going weak in the knees meant. I’ve been attracted to men, but when I look at H, I feel like my legs can’t hold my weight any longer, like I’m shaking too much to keep moving as I usually would.
I’m smelling grapes, which also seem like a good pick, when I realize neither of them have answered. H gives Jay a slight nod and then looks at me, whatever kind of mirth he might have had is gone.
Jay shrugs. “I was discharged in October.”
“Ah,” I say, nodding, and picking out a few bunches of red grapes with water dripping from the globes. “That’s a good idea to go hiking through Yellowstone after. Smart.”
Again, both guys are quiet for so long I look at them. “Did I say something wrong?”
H shakes his head. “Nope. You’re perfect.”
But I feel defensive, especially because both men are staring at me, their gazes intense, as if trying to read my mind.
“I—I just meant,” I’m rolling my hands in the air. “It’s a jolt from military life back to civilian. It was smart to take some time, enjoy nature—”
Utterly shocking me, H places his two of his fingers over my lips. “It was smart of Jay. I’m glad he asked me join him.”
He slowly removes his fingers, his dark gaze staring where his digits had been. And so is Jay. They’re both gazing at my lips in a way…in that way men do when they want to kiss you. But I thought—okay, I thought H was apologizing for giving me the wrong impression. He’s such a clean guy. Same with Jay, even with his tattoos that I haven’t quite seen all of, he’s good. They’re both good guys, the kind of men that make me feel safe even though they are strangers. They’re decent. Kind. Clean.
I’m not clean. I’m a dirty girl. Oh, I’ve been lucky and never gotten an STD. But that was a fluke because during my teenage and early twenties I didn’t insist upon condoms. I was stupid about my body, about myself.
In many ways, I still am stupid. But I can’t be any longer.
I have a baby to think of.
Besides, even if I am reading both Jay and H correctly, and my damned hormones are probably making me read the men all wrong, there’s nothing either men will do. And there’s nothing I will do.
So I smile and shuffle closer to the bread aisle, but this grocery store has their butchery section close by, and there’s something about meat, raw meat, the smell of it, that makes my belly roil. I clutch at my stomach, turning my head away from the scent. But it’s too late. The smell is packed into my olfactory.
To me, since becoming pregnant, there’s something about raw meat that makes me think I’m smelling pure bacteria. Ugly brown-red bacteria.
I hurry closer to the lettuce, past the men, to where I know something clean will purify my nose. Hopefully it will help so I won’t embarrass myself and retch in public. Leaning over the iceberg light-green leaves, I sniff and sniff, praying I don’t further humiliate myself.
A strong hand is on my hip.
“You okay?”
It’s Jay. He’s close to my side.
My other side is suddenly warm. Another hand rests on my shoulder.
“Dee, are you all right?” H asks.
I try smiling, nodding, but the motion isn’t helping. “I—I’m so sorry. I don’t feel well all of a sudden.”
“You lost all the color to your face. You need to sit down,” Jay says.
“Take her out to the Jeep, while I get the groceries,” H orders.
“No, I—” But my argument is muted when Jay picks me up in his arms and immediately walks away from H. I look over Jay’s mighty shoulder. “You can’t do this.”
H is smiling at me as I’m involuntarily being carried away. “It looks like we are.”
Then I frown at Jay. “I can’t let him buy my groceries.”
“Too bad.”
I gasp, staring at one man then to the other.
H’s grin is really wide now and he jogs to catch up to Jay and me. “Face it, babe. There’s two of us against little you. We’ll always win,” he says playfully, as he backpedals, returning to the grocery cart.
Jay softly chuckles.
I reach out, trying to smack H, but Jay carries me away.
5
I can’t believe I’m laughing, but I am. I’m also a tad frustrated to have two men be so…chivalrous.
Somehow, Jay’s already got me outside the small grocery store, the cold clean air alleviating my nausea. A little.
“I’m fine, Jay,” I say, trying to give him a frown, but I can’t.
He shakes his head. “I saw you in that store. You turned as white as a sheet of paper.”
“I’m already a tad pale if you haven’t noticed.” I cock a brow. “I’d be albino if it weren’t for my hair.”
Jay glances down at me, my face, and laughs. “You’re not that pale. But you did turn a shade of blue-white in the store. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”
Pursing my lips, I look away from his intense gaze. My baby is a beautiful little secret. Oh sure, soon I won’t be able to hide it. But for now, especially after I felt like my mother reacted as if I were a harlot who needed to be put in an asylum, I don’t want to tell anyone. I want to eat without worrying about my weight. I want to sleep as much as this baby needs. I want to smile down at my belly without anyone intruding and telling me what I’ve done and am doing is wrong.
So I shrug. “Nothing.”
“Bullshit.”
I narrow my eyes. “I’m going to tell H that you’re swearing around me.”
Jay’s smile is so wide I can actually see it through his beard. “Going to tell on me, huh?”
“Yeah. I’m real mean that way.”
“That’s real mean, all right.” He hikes me up his chest, nearer to his face.
I already have my arms around him, but now we’re really close. If he turned and leaned a tad down, he could kiss me. Not that he would. Oh, this man, these men, are confusing me senseless.
An older couple comes into view—he’s walking with a cane and she’s holding his free hand. They’re smiling at Jay and me.
“Remember when you could do that?” the woman asks, her head protected from the cold by a bright floral scarf tied around her chin.
The man shakes his head. “Never could do that.”
She laughs and looks at me as Jay and I are only a couple feet away from her now. “He did too. He used to do that before he’d have his wicked way with me.”
Jay and I burst out with laughter that I think neither of us expected.
“Do you remember that, Jasper?” the woman asks her companion. “You remember your wicked ways?”
“We’re in town to get those goddamned blue pills, aren’t we?” Jasper says loud enough for people across the street to hear. “Of course I remember. And they were your wicked ways, dearie. I just try to keep up with you.”
Jay’s still chuckling as we pass the older couple. I hear them talking about blue pills and if they need to change the sheets. But I’m lost the second Jay walked past them.
I’m alone and pregnant, and I’ll probably never grow old with someone. Of course I know I c
an’t see into the future. But the fact is all the men I’ve ever known, until today, have always used me then thrown me away. With my throat tightening painfully, I worry I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.
I don’t mind being alone and raising my baby, I try to convince myself.
Oh sure, I’ve had fantasies. When I was tracking down the father of my baby, I had a dream he’d want to marry me. Not a white wedding. But a small ceremony at the county courthouse. It was a lovely, childish dream.
Honestly, the only thing I really remember about the father is that he came within twenty seconds of entering me and never helped me finish. We’d been flirting in Kenya, in a hotel bar. He was a good-looking, former Marine. When we talked, I could tell he wouldn’t like the real me. He wanted the kind of woman who couldn’t think for herself. He wanted a pretty, stupid girl. I can be that. So I flirted, the way I know how to. I was a tad obvious and blatantly idiotic. We landed in bed shortly after. And that, as they say, was that.
I’ve thought about calling his parents. I know his mom is still alive. I wonder if she’d like to know her dead son’s one-night stand is having a child. I wonder if it would hurt her too much. I know I will call. But right now I need to be alone with my baby. And she probably needs time to grieve.
“Damn,” Jay whispers, bringing me back to the moment, where I’m in his arms in a snow-covered parking lot of a teeny grocery store that’s on Main Street—and, yes, Ennis is one of those towns that has a Main Street where all restaurants, the hardware store, even the hospital is on. “H has the keys.”
“What does the H stand for?”
“Henry.” Jay’s eyes are a tad wide as if he’s surprised he’s answered me. But then he shrugs and continues. “Henry Henley’s his full name. But he thinks his name sounds like a wizard that should be in a Harry Potter book, so he goes by H.”
I smile, liking that H knows J. K. Rowling. “What’s your full name?”
“Jay is really my first full name, but my last is Sanders. You?”
“Emory. Deidra Alexandra Emory.”
“Sounds…royal or something.”
I’m not sure if he’s teasing, but I roll my eyes all the same. “You can put me down. I can stand.”
He continues to hold me, his face stern. He’s not looking at me.
I sigh. “Stubborn man.”
“Stubborn woman. Why do you insist on paying for things?”
His question is assuaging me from my blue mood after seeing the older couple. “Why do you insist on paying for things?”
He shrugs. “I haven’t.”
“You said you’d pay for dinner.”
He laughs. “It’s the least I could do.”
“You rescued me from my crash, shoveled my walks, carried me around—why can’t I repay you with dinner? Or something?”
It was the something that caught his eye. He glances down, his blue eyes on fire. After a beat, he hikes me up his chest again, looking away.
“It wouldn’t be right.” And that’s all he says.
I shake my head. “Why? I—you and H are incredibly kind to do so much for me. To trouble yourselves—”
“You’re no trouble.”
“Yes, I am.”
He’s frowning when he looks down at me again. “You don’t goddamned know, do you? You have no fucking idea. You’re like one of those myths. A goddamned abominable snowman myth.”
“What are you talking about?” I chuckle. “Why am I like a Yeti? Because I’m so white and fluffy? Because I weight a ton? Seriously, you can put me down. I know I weigh a lot.” I’m laughing, but Jay isn’t.
“You don’t weigh a ton.”
“Besides,” H says, startling me with his closeness. Man, he’s quiet. He’s only a few feet away, holding fifty plastic bags full of food. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but he’s holding a lot more grocery bags than just the cucumbers I’d picked out. As I’m trying to guess if I really selected that many cucumbers, H continues. “Jay can just about hold a ton. Not that you weigh anything close to that.” He looks at Jay as he rounds the back of my Jeep. “I’d bet she weighs close to…” he looks me up and down, and I tingle from the inspection, “…a buck-oh-five.”
Jay shakes his head. “If that.” He easily hikes me up his chest again. Oh, these two men make it so easy to become infatuated with them. I mean, come on. They think I weigh around a hundred pounds. I doubt even my mother would fault me for having crushes on them.
No, she can always find fault in me.
Jay’s still shaking his head. “And I can’t hold a ton.”
“Pretty close,” H says as he opens the back hatch, inserting the grocery bags into my Wrangler.
Jay looks down at me, the smile easy to spot in his blue eyes. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. The moment is so—so fucking perfect. H makes this soft rustling sound, like white noise. Jay is holding me, and for once I’m wonderfully warm. Since I’ve become pregnant, my internal temperature has been crazy. I’m too hot one second, sweating and cranky. Then too cold the next, still cranky but also frustrated with how biting the cold is. But at that second, I’m just right. The Goldilocks effect.
From the blue, blue sky, where way up high there’re white clouds lacing the heavens, a tiny dusting of dry snow falls. With the sun still shining and the crystals from the sky, the moment seems more fantastic than real. The flakes are every color but especially pinks and blues. It’s deliciously lovely.
And I’m about to fall asleep. God, I hate the overwhelming fatigue that always accompanies my nausea. I wish I had my camera, though. I know how to take a shot of the snow coming down. I know how to wait for the right moment to capture a couple of the flakes that glimmer and reflect a rainbow. Yet, I can’t keep my eyes from drooping.
“You okay, Dee?” Jay asks, whispering.
I nod. “I’m just tired.” I sniff. “I wish I had my camera. I’d love to have these snowflakes on film.”
H is done with the groceries and closes the back hatch, coming to look down at me. “I bet you take really good pictures.”
I shrug but close my eyes, dreamily. Maybe this moment, these men are a dream. They’re far better than anything I’ve ever known while I’ve been awake.
“She okay?” H asks Jay.
I open my lids. “You have a weird habit of thinking I’m lying about how feel.” I meant to joke, to have a lilt to my tone. But I sound a lot more hostile than I intended.
H shakes his head, looking at Jay again. “I don’t think you’re lying, Dee. I just know people who go through trauma like a car crash sometimes don’t know how they really feel.”
I scoff. “That wasn’t traumatic.” But I say that with my eyes closed. I hate how weak I must appear.
Warm gentle fingers feather against my cheek. I flutter my lids open and see H’s hand, his palm on my temple and forehead.
“She feels warm. Is she too warm?” he’s asking Jay.
Jay shrugs. “I can’t tell. Her pupils have been fine. No sign of internal trouble.”
H grunts.
As I hear the car door open, I can only say, “I’m just tired. I’m fine but tired.”
Tenderly, I’m placed in my Jeep. God, I wish I had the strength to be spunky, to smile and keep my eyes open. To show H and Jay that I really am fine. But am I?
I gauge my body. I might have to pee. With the baby where he or she is right now, I feel like I have to urinate all the time. And the nausea is still there. It’s not as bad as when I was near the meat section, thank god. My breasts hurt. My head does too. My general misery tells me that I’m still pregnant. And I’m so happy about that.
“Dee, honey, can you open your eyes for me?”
I do and look at Jay. His voice has gone softer than I’ve ever heard it. His dark brows are drawn tight. I think he’s worrying about me.
I shake my head. “I’m sorry I’m so tired.”
He nods. “Sure. Sure. Hey, I’m going to shine a light in your eyes. It�
��s going to be uncomfortable.”
Then there’s a flashlight in my face. I wince from the bright light.
“Gotta do that again to your other eye,” Jay says, mildly. “So I can check that one too. Can you open your eyes again?”
Somehow I do. “Really, I’m fine.” I try thinking of an excuse for my sudden sickness and fatigue. I could lie and say I’m getting over the flu. But I’d hate to lie to these guys. However, I’m not ready to tell them the truth, either. “I just need more sleep. Haven’t been sleeping well lately.”
Jay flashes his light into my eye, and this time I steel myself for it. He expertly shines the flashlight into my gaze, then out, watching, gauging. He’s done this to soldiers. He’s done this a lot, I’d guess. And something about that makes my heart pinch.
“Her pupils are good,” Jay says to H, who is standing close, looking down at me, so concerned.
For just a second of time, I imagine H going to doctor visits with me. That look on his face, that sympathy, is heady and powerful. I want that, spoiled girl that I am. I want a man who will be worried about my welfare, about me and my baby. I would love to have a man like him be the father of my child. He’d be patient and kind.
For that matter, so would Jay. He’d try to take care of me, I imagine.
For a luscious moment, I dream of pink and blue crystals falling from the heavens, of men who would care about me and my baby. I think of happily ever afters.
The car moves and I realize I’ve dozed off. I hope I won’t snore, but I can’t keep my eyes open, and I’m so relaxed. I don’t know why I’m so relaxed around these strange men. But my baby seems to like them. And I do too.
I hear H and Jay softly talking to each other. I can’t make out their words. I’m too tired to try. And while I fall asleep, I think of them both taking care of me. Spoiled, rich girl that I am, I dream of the impossible.
6
I wake feeling something hard against my head, under my back and legs. It’s Jay’s body. He’s carrying me again, this time into my lodge, saying something about needing to call his mom. H is close by, although I can’t see him, and he says something about wanting to call his mom too, telling her where he is.
Fly (Wild Love Book 2) Page 4
