by Hazel Kelly
Besides me getting hurt myself.
Life had already taught me enough about pain. Thinking about Laura’s betrayal still hurt me badly, but she couldn’t hurt me anymore. Because I didn’t trust her anymore. Plain and simple.
Ella couldn’t hurt me either. Because I chose not to trust her with anything other than my cock outside the office and my corporate events inside it. Those were the things I felt capable and safe trusting her with, and that was stressful enough.
There was no benefit to me if we took our relationship to another level. It would merely make me more vulnerable, and vulnerability- weakness- was forgivable in women, but not in men. Not men like me. Men with dicks and businesses as big as mine didn’t get ahead by putting their hearts on the line, especially with young women who were as unpredictable as they were gorgeous.
And I had no interest in being susceptible to someone else’s agenda. Right now if Ella was really in a jam, I like to think she would call me. But if she just wanted to bitch about something or go to the movies- or god forbid fucking ice skating- she wouldn’t dream of it.
The way things were at the moment meant I could have her and my life without having to be in her life. That was an entirely different thing, one which I wasn’t the least prepared for. I didn’t want her to cry on my shoulder. I didn’t want to hold her hair back and rub her shoulders when she was hung over. I didn’t want to know about her student loans.
I just wanted to fuck her pretty mouth and smack my balls against her ass with no consequences, no worries, no commitment. And I didn’t for a second think that didn’t appeal to her, too.
So I guess I would have to go with option number two: hope she got over our fight and realized that our relationship would not be improved by further analysis.
In the meantime, I would try to be friendly and look forward to our first bout of make-up sex. I was thinking I would take her from behind. She’d never felt me that way- that deep before- and I was confident it would hurt so good she’d never risk pissing me off by over thinking us again.
In fact, I was getting hard just thinking about it when I heard a knock at the door. I hoped it was her. Of course, even if it was, it wouldn’t be appropriate to greet her with a massive boner so I scooted my chair under my desk.
“Come in.”
Laura’s bleach blond hair swung into the room. “Is this an okay time?”
I looked at my watch for no reason other than to seem busy. “Sure. I have a few minutes. What’s up? What brings you to town?”
“I’m updating a few of the rooms in Boston, and I got a good deal on some furniture, but I didn’t want to make a purchase until I saw the pieces in person.”
“And?”
“I stopped here first.” She sat in one of the chairs in front of me and twirled a long strand of pearls. “I wanted to thank you for coming to my Dad’s funeral again. I really appreciated it.”
“It would’ve looked bad if I hadn’t been there I suppose.” I leaned back in my chair. “Considering most of your family never heard about the divorce.”
She winced. “There just hasn’t been a good time to tell them.”
“In years?” I shook my head. “What the hell have you pretended I’m doing at Thanksgiving?”
She shrugged. “You always were a workaholic.”
“Do you pretend we’re still married in other circles?”
“No.”
“Cause that’s crazy, Laura.”
“I know. It’s just that my family’s really traditional.”
“And really comfortable lying to each other’s faces apparently.”
“Don’t be like that, Will. I came by to say thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I also wanted to thank you for agreeing to give Ben a position.”
“What are you talking about?”
“He told me he was coming here- next week I think it is?”
“That’s news to me.”
She looked down and wrung her hands. “I must have misunderstood.”
“You must’ve.”
“Are you okay? Have you been skipping workouts or something? You seem annoyed.”
“Actually, if you must know, I strained my groin this morning.”
“Were you working out with the brunette pushing paper across from Emily?”
“Excuse me?”
“Just saying.”
“I was working out in the gym.”
“Well, I think she might have a thing for you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You’re interested?”
“I’m interested in all of the people that work for me.”
“I can’t be sure, but the way she looked at me when I walked by would’ve melted paint.”
“Maybe she got a bad vibe from you.”
“And maybe you’re fucking her.”
“Is that all?”
“Yes.”
“Lovely to see you.” I turned towards my computer monitor.
She stood up. “Do me a favor?”
“What could you possibly want from me?”
“When Ben shows up, try to treat him a little more hospitably than you’ve treated me today.”
“That will depend.”
She put her hands on her hips. “On what?”
“On whether he waltzes in here and insults me and my staff like you just did.”
“Don’t you worry. I raised him better than that.”
Her emphasis was so annoying I imagined having her dragged out by brutes. “So you’re always saying.”
“Good bye, honey,” she said before pulling the door shut behind her.
“Later, dear,” I muttered. “Thanks for killing my boner.”
Chapter 17: Ella
I’d never seen the blond woman before. I wouldn’t have forgotten her if I did. Her legs were long and thin and so was her hair. I couldn’t imagine anyone not finding her attractive.
Until she looked at me the way she did. It was a look full of judgment and superiority, one that didn’t endear me to her at all.
Then again, maybe I was glaring at her first. I felt like I was glaring at everyone lately. I would’ve glared at myself if it were possible. I deserved it, anyway. For being so awkward and weird. With every passing moment, I felt more stupid and full of regret. Why couldn’t I have just let the chemicals firing in my body settle down before I opened my big mouth?
I was positive Jackie would take my side. I thought she would agree that Will was being cold and inconsiderate of my feelings. But when that wasn’t her reaction at all, I was shocked. Only at first, though.
When I considered the situation from her objective point of view, it was clear that I was the one who crossed the line, the one who stirred a perfectly simmering pot and ruined what was stewing.
But that was the problem. I wasn’t objective anymore. My head was clouded by a thick fog of lust that was making it hard for me to think straight and even act straight.
I mean, the fact that I even used the “L” word was insane. It’s not like I meant it. So why had I spoiled everything by mentioning it? I felt that was my biggest grievance of all, and I hated myself for it.
It wasn’t like I was in love with him. I couldn’t be. I hardly knew him. I loved having sex with him. I loved his impeccable taste in restaurants, the way he made me feel, and his wide reaching generosity. But it was ridiculously immature to even use that word, to accuse him of feelings that I know- logically- he couldn’t have.
And it saddened me that the first time the word was used between us- and what now would be the only time- was out of my mouth in anger. It was all wrong. I didn’t know exactly how I hoped things would progress between us, but I know I had completely destroyed the carefree chemistry we had by acting like a crazy bitch.
It would probably be my undoing. I was so reluctant and resistant in the beginning that neither of us saw my snap coming, but I swear he made love to me. And that’s what Jackie didn
’t know and what Will couldn’t admit to himself.
For at least a few minutes on Saturday night, there had been a spark of something more than sex, something more intense. But it was my word against his and if he swears he didn’t see it, then I might as well cry Bigfoot.
After all, my word didn’t mean shit compared to his. Not really. Not considering the power he had over me simply because I needed this job, a job which he was making it impossible to concentrate on.
Was she still in there? I looked at the clock. It must have been ten minutes since the blond woman disappeared into his office. I had half a mind to storm in there. Like catching him with someone else would fix everything and make it possible for me to forget about him. Yeah, right.
I glanced over at Emily. She was sorting some papers and punching a calculator like there were bugs to be squashed on the keys.
She didn’t pick her head up when she felt me staring. “What is it, Ella?”
“Oh nothing.”
“You want to know who that woman is, don’t you?”
“What woman?” I asked.
“The leggy blond that’s in Will’s office.”
“I hadn’t noticed her.”
Emily stopped punching the calculator for a second and looked at me over the rims of her glasses. “Has anyone ever told you that you aren’t a very convincing liar?”
“No.”
She turned back to the excel sheet in her hand. “Probably because it’s a waste of breath.”
So what if she knew I was curious who the woman was. That was a perfectly normal thing to wonder about. I turned back towards my computer. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of begging her for information that she obviously felt empowered by having.
“That’s his wife,” she said.
What?! I felt a pinch in my chest. “Oh. I’m surprised I haven’t seen her before.”
“His ex-wife.”
I felt the tightness dissipate a little.
“On paper anyway. If you know what I mean.”
I turned to look at her, but she was looking away. Sometimes it was hard to tell if she was just being blunt or deliberately snarky.
“What a shock that he hasn’t introduced the two of you.”
I swallowed. “Excuse me?”
She kept her eyes on her desk.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She looked over at me. “What do you think it’s supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well maybe you’re not as smart as I thought.”
I gripped the armrests on my rolling chair.
“Or as smart as you think you are.”
“Has anyone ever told you that being passive aggressive doesn’t suit you?”
“No.”
Maybe she was only teasing me and didn’t mean to sound as cruel as she did.
“What’s your point?” I asked, admitting nothing. Not that it mattered. Whatever she believed she knew, she sounded pretty confident about it.
“There is no point.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“I’m just saying-”
Oh here we go.
“From one dispensable employee to another, don’t let your panties get so twisted that you can’t do your job.”
Now there was no question I was glaring.
“If you even wear panties.”
My mouth fell open, but nothing came out. Of all people, she was the last person I would ever expect this show of disloyalty from.
“Tell yourself whatever you want, Emily, but from what I understand, only one of us is dispensable.” I couldn’t believe how bitchy I sounded. It made me feel so ugly.
But my nasty bluff must have been somewhat convincing because when she looked at me, there was a flash of hurt in her eyes. Maybe I wasn’t such a bad liar after all. Or maybe she needed this job even more than I did. I didn’t give a shit. The important thing was that it shut her up.
And just in time, too, because his ex came out of the office on her stilts a second later and walked right up to Emily’s desk.
“Well I better be off,” she said to Emily.
“Can I do anything for you while you’re in town, Laura?” Emily asked. “Book you in for lunch, a blow dry, anything?”
“Not at all. You’re too kind. If I had more time I’d insist on taking you to lunch. It’s been ages since we had a chance to catch up.”
“Another time.” Emily’s voice was warm and familiar as if they had known each other for a long time.
“Soon,” Laura insisted.
Emily stood up and lowered her voice. “And I’m so sorry again about your Dad.” She stepped around the desk.
“Thanks,” Laura said, giving her a hug. “I really appreciate you clearing Will’s schedule so he could be at the funeral last weekend.”
“Last weekend? Was it that recently, I thought-”
“No you’re right.” Laura dropped her arms. “Two weekends ago. Whatever. It’s been such a blur I can hardly keep track of what day it is.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Laura shrugged. “It meant a lot to my family to have him there anyway, and I know he wouldn’t have had the time if you hadn’t made it for him.”
“Don’t mention it,” Emily said. “I know it was important to him that he be there, and he didn’t miss anything.”
The momentary empathy I felt for Laura having lost her father only lasted as long as it took me to do the math. The weekend before last was when he called to cancel our date. At the time, he said it was a business trip. Why would he lie? Did he really think me such a cretin that I wouldn’t understand if he needed to go to a funeral?
Was he hiding something? Or was I just not important enough to him that I deserved to know the truth. Either way, I wasn’t impressed. On the contrary, I was disgusted. After all the fluids we’d shared, why would he be dishonest about something like that.
I felt like a total outsider all of a sudden. Like everyone was in on a big joke, and I was laughing at it without really understanding the punch line.
As Laura walked by my desk, I tried to offer her a polite smile since I’d obviously overheard the fact that her Dad died, but she completely blanked me on her way out.
I glanced over at Emily who was tidying up her desk before she took her lunch break like clockwork. Everything about her was perfectly calculating. Which is why her mentioning that he hadn’t missed anything important to go to the funeral was grating on me. Did she know we were supposed to have dinner that Saturday? Did she know he canceled on me? That he lied?
I took a deep breath.
As soon as she left, I was going in.
Chapter 18: Will
I hated feeling uncomfortable in my place of work. My office was always my sanctuary, a place where I could put bullshit to one side and excel in the areas I knew best.
And business was good. Why wouldn’t it be? Places like the Abbott were recession proof by design. There would always be rich people with status. I had nothing to worry about.
Or at least I was relatively worry free before I let a sexy college grad get under my skin. I thought we’d fuck a few times and she would be delicious, and I was right.
Except I wasn’t done with her. That much was obvious just from the physical reaction I had to Laura referring to her like she was nothing. She wasn’t nothing.
Though I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d made her feel that way.
Which wasn’t fair. I was her age once. I knew what it was like to feel insecure in relationships, to seek clarity, to want to understand your place in the bigger scheme of things. And I wasn’t even a woman.
Thank god for that.
Still, I was responsible for whatever mixed signals she’d received, and while I had no intention of ever being more than her sexually demanding boss, it wasn’t okay for me to make her feel bad, confused, or insecure. Especially because I had to see her all the time and it was fucking torturous fo
r me.
I liked it better when she was a good distraction- my favorite distraction. I had to restore her to that position in a way that would make her feel empowered.
Maybe I could even get her excited about the fact that she was using me. That would be ideal. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, and she might feel like she had some semblance of control over the situation.
Then again, she wasn’t a man. She was the opposite of a man. She was all woman- and to make matters worse- she was a young, inexperienced woman. Convincing her that she had the upper hand in our relationship would be a ridiculously steep uphill battle. Where would I even start?
It wouldn’t work. I had to try and appeal to her logical side. I knew she had one because her business sense was good. What I didn’t know was whether she could apply her good sense to her personal life.
I picked up the phone and made a dinner reservation for Saturday night at Capulet’s and felt better instantly. My plan was in motion. All I had to do now was be cool, apologize, and smooth things over. She needed to be reassured that she meant something to me, that my spending time with her wasn’t just about sex. Which wouldn’t be too hard to convey because it was true.
I would remind her how lovely and charming I thought she was the moment I met her and tell her how much I enjoyed her company. I could even go so far as to say that I hadn’t enjoyed anyone’s company as much as I enjoyed hers in a long time. After all, there was no way I was going to win her over without a little self-effacing flattery.
In my experience, flattery was the only way to get women to shut their mouths and unlock their ears long enough to hear me out.
Then, once she was coursing with nice feelings for me again, convinced that I wasn’t such a bad guy and that she was wrong to try and find fault where there was none, I would reason with her. I would explain why it was in her best interest to continue to keep things on the down low. I would explain that our feelings and her career were best protected by keeping what was between us exactly how it was.
And she was a smart girl. She would understand.
If I had to bet on it, I would guess that she was stewing at her desk at this very moment trying to think of a way to apologize to me. Her mind was probably racing with ideas for how she might assure me that she'd miscommunicated her dissatisfaction with our relationship and realized the error of her ways.
