CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Kassidy
In a dream-like state, I felt Ben pull out from me. He lay down beside me on the bed, arm draped across my stomach. I watched my chest rise and fall, my heartbeat slowly calming. Somewhere in the shadows, I thought I heard a whisper – the voice from the gate.
“Quint…” it breathed, then drifted off lost in the dark.
I turned my head and stared at Ben, wondering if he had heard it too. But he showed no sign of having heard it. Instead, he lay there quietly staring at me, his fingers dancing across my skin. Our eyes met locked together in an inquiring gaze. I wondered, as I stared into his blue eyes, how there could be someone else behind them – how there was a demon that could pull off the ultimate camouflage and look as pristine as Ben. I reached out slowly and touched Ben’s cheek. His skin was perfect – soft and smooth – his stubble immaculate. It was hard to believe that there was something so evil behind something so charming. And then I looked down at myself. Suddenly I wished there was a demon in me. One that could make me look perfect – good enough to be with Ben. Instead, I saw an ugliness of flesh blemished with black, knotted veins. The sight of my body repulsed me. I yanked the blanket up and covered the eyesore.
Whispering in my ear, Ben spoke softly. “I was afraid to touch you.”
I turned my head and stared at him confused. Did he mean he was frightened to touch me because of the way I looked?
Running his hand down underneath the blanket and letting it rest on my stomach, he whispered, “I was scared to touch you because I thought that you would push me away.”
Surprised, I asked, “Why… why would I do that?”
“Because I’m weird!” Ben laughed, yet I could see that he seemed nervous – uncomfortable. “I’m not normal… am I? I’m not your regular guy. With me comes someone else. Someone who loses control, gets jealous. Someone who is twisted up with bitterness and can kill in a rage.” He paused for a moment and then continued, “I’m predictable… I know myself – what I can do and what I want. But he’s unpredictable. Quint strikes when I least expect it.” Ben looked away and stared up at the ceiling. Running his fingers over his stubble, he said, “You ask me why you would push me away..? Because of all the things that come with me… all the baggage I carry. Why would anyone want to be saddled with me?”
I sat up, blanket pulled tight up to my chin, and said, “What about me? Why would you even want to look at me – let alone touch me – sleep with me? I can’t even bear to touch my own skin. Those ugly veins poke out and it feels like I’m running my hands over roots protruding from the ground. I physically cringe every time my fingers brush over those veins. Why would someone like you want to be with me?” I looked away. I didn’t want to see the tell-tale look in his eyes that told me he thought the same about how I looked. I couldn’t bear it. And now he had seen me crawling across the ceiling like some wretched freak. Avoiding his gaze, I whispered, “I hear voices… in my head. Sometimes they’re so loud I can’t think straight. They scream and shout – ugly, horrible, evil voices. It’s like they take over me – fill me with anger that all I want to do is rip my head off so I can silence them.” I tucked my hair behind my ear and somehow found the courage to look at Ben. He watched me quietly, didn’t say a word, and just sat passively, waiting to hear more. His expression didn’t give anything away. “I don’t know who the voices belong to… but they tell me to kill… nearly had me step into the fog. It’s like they’re a part of me – like they run through my body as my blood does.” I stopped talking and stared at Ben. What would be his response to my shame that I seemed to be turning crazy? Would he now turn his back on me and walk away?
“I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers, because I don’t,” whispered Ben. “But I do think that the voices you hear is from the VA20 travelling around your veins. It has to be. You’ve been injected with something that has come from nothing more than pure evil. That evil has now become a part of you and it changes the way you feel – the way you act. You haven’t been possessed by a demon like me – you have several demons changing your very makeup – turning your emotions to suit them. They tell you to kill because it serves them… because they want whoever stands in their way removed. You know, I’ve spent so long in the dark that everything seems so hazy – so blocked – but, my head has been a lot clearer and I’m guessing that they want you to kill another demon – someone who could take control of the Cleaners.”
I nodded my head slowly. “It was Jude they wanted me to kill.”
As if another part of Ben’s memory had suddenly cleared, he said, “Jude… you thought that he was Doshia, didn’t you? But I can remember now, well some things, and Jude is Eras – going under the name of Jude Middleton.” Ben shook his head slowly, his eyes sad, and said, “I feel like I have been so blind and now my sight is slowly returning. I can see that day like it’s happening right now – the day the coffins were opened. Doctor Middleton had brought in his son to show him the grand opening of the coffins. I remember Jude had been allowed to open one. We all had. And that was the last time we had all been ourselves. Those voices you hear – it makes perfect sense for them to get you to kill Eras. It won’t be long before they hound you to kill me – Quint.”
I took a deep breath. “What about Doshia? Do I have some of him travelling around inside me? Is one of the voices I hear his?”
Nodding his head, Ben replied, “Doctor Middleton’s VA20 and VA10 had every demon thrown into the mix – so yes, Doshia will be one of those voices.”
“So if Jude isn’t Doshia… then who is?” I asked. “He’s travelling around in someone’s body. He’s been with us ever since we escaped from Strangers Hill. Does that mean that one of my other friends is Doshia?” I closed my eyes and felt sick at the thought. It had been bad enough believing that it had been Jude, but Max – Raven?
“What about Sylvia?” asked Ben. “How has she been?”
“Sylvia’s more than messed up – she suffers like me with the voices but much more. She dips in and out of craziness but sometimes her true self is there. But I wonder how long she has before she becomes like the other volunteers. She can’t be Doshia – she hasn’t been with us long enough.”
Ben propped himself up against a pillow. “I don’t know… nothing seems certain. Out of all the demons – Doshia is the one I know the least about. Quint has let me see some things and I do know that Doshia was the one who seemed more wayward – angrier. I’m not even sure if Doctor Middleton and Doctor Wright are even aware that Doshia has returned. But there is something I must tell you and I’m gonna say it now, before Quint clouds my head again and I forget.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“I saw some of Quint’s past – in my head – it was like I was there watching through Quint’s eyes. I saw how he died and I saw Doshia. He said, ‘even in death I will destroy you.’ So whatever Quint did, Doshia holds him responsible for his death. But that’s not all,” continued Ben. “Remember you told me that Quint kept calling you Etta?”
“Yes,” I answered.
“Well when I saw Doshia’s death, I also saw Etta. She was dragged into one of the coffins and was calling out to Quint. She told him that she loved him,” whispered Ben, his eyes wary. “She looks a lot like you and I think that Quint has been on a mission to get you, believing that you are her.”
“But I’m not!” I raised my voice. “How can he believe that? I’m just plain old Kassidy.” I leant back against the pillow, my head swarming with all sorts of thoughts and none of them good. “What does he want from me? What is he going to do when the penny finally drops and he realises that I’m not Etta?”
Ben took hold of my hand. “I don’t know. I really don’t have a clue as to what Quint’s true intentions are for you or your friends. All I know is that he wants all of you.”
“Just like every other fucking demon,” I snapped. “Where is this all going to end?”
Squeezing my hand, Be
n whispered, “I don’t know, but I promise I will do everything I can to protect you. I meant what I said. We’re in this together – right to the end. Taking my face in his hands and turning it to face him, he kissed me on the lips and then whispered, “We’ve both got our problems – our insecurities – but we can be weird together.” Ben smiled, a twinkle in his eyes and then he turned and faced the radio.
I watched how the switches turned, static hissing through the speakers as the tuners searched for a radio station without Ben even having to touch it. He looked back at me, smiled, and said, “I do have some uses.” Holding me tightly in his arms, we lay against the pillows and listened to Creep as it softly filled the room.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Kassidy
As the song finished and the radio fell silent, I savoured those few moments of peace. For I knew that it wouldn’t be long before this would all end and maybe I would never get this time again with Ben.
“Come here,” whispered Ben, pulling me onto my side and holding me close. “There’s something about you that just… pulls me in… you make me feel alive again. I haven’t felt that way for god knows how long… but you make me want to live. You’ve strengthened the fight in me.”
For a brief moment, I felt his happiness. But then, it became overshadowed by the uncertainty of what the future held and the situation that we were in now – here – in this hellhole of Doctor Langstone’s.
Ben must have seen the concern in my eyes as he said, “What is it? Don’t you feel the same?” His arm tightened around me and he kissed me gently on the lips. “Tell me.”
I stared up at the window and watched the raindrops hit the glass. I suddenly felt sick as I remembered Doctor Langstone’s plan. How he wanted us to go back to Cruor Pharma and destroy all the coffins except his. I knew that if that was to happen then Ben would die, and here he was now, telling me how much he wanted to live.
“I do feel the same as you,” I whispered, my voice shaky, “But… where’s it all gonna end? What’s going to happen to us? I can’t help feeling that we’re ruined… that we aren’t going to get that happy ending we both want.” I pulled away from Ben and sat up. “Which one of us is going to die? Me… you… both of us? My friends?” I looked around at him. He stared back at me but stayed silent. “Ben, we can’t win… can we? For me to survive, the demons have to die. For you to survive… the demons have to live. One of us is going to have to die.” I wiped away a tear that had escaped my eye. The whole situation seemed hopeless.
Taking me by the shoulders, Ben pulled me back down and wrapped his arms about me. He spoke quietly and said, “I won’t let that happen… we’ll leave together and then…”
Cutting him short, I said, “Leave here! How? It’s surrounded by the Cleaners, and even if I could get past them, Doctor Langstone wouldn’t let me leave, and…” I stopped mid-sentence. “Hold on… how did you get in?” I got up and clambered over Ben. I peered through the rain-splattered window. Yanking it open, I was greeted by a sharp gust of wind and showered with cold pinpricks of rain that stung my skin. I leant out of the window, scared that if Ben had got in then maybe the Cleaners had too.
Placing his hands on my hips, Ben asked, “What are you looking for? Shut the window and come back to bed… you’ll freeze.”
“How did you get in? Did Langstone open the gates for you?” I asked again, shutting the window.
Ben looked confused. “No… Langstone doesn’t know I’m here. At least, I don’t think he does.”
“But the Cleaners can’t get in… no one should be able to enter the grounds unless Langstone permits it.” I felt my heartbeat quicken. If there was some kind of weakness around the border of this place then my friends and I were in trouble. “Tell me how you got in.”
Propped up on his elbows, Ben fell silent and stared into the darkness. He looked lost as he tried to remember. With a look of frustration across his face, he whispered, “I can’t remember… it’s cloudy in here.” He tapped his forehead.
Kneeling up beside him, I took one of his hands in mine and said, “Please try to remember… it’s important.” I looked back at the window. Still no sign of fog. “It couldn’t have been that long ago… how can you forget…?”
Seeing the worry in my eyes, Ben pulled me close and whispered, “I haven’t really forgotten… it’s just that Quint hides shit in my head… he blocks out my memory and… I do remember seeing you at the gates. I saw you through the fog… I was talking to Inspector Cropper.”
I gasped. “Inspector Cropper’s here? Has he got in?”
“Cropper’s dead… I do remember that,” said Ben, a smile on his lips.
“Dead?” I whispered, “How?”
“He walked amongst the Cleaners… got what was coming to him,” answered Ben. “He’s one less arsehole we have to worry about.”
I shuddered at the thought of Cropper being at the gates. It hadn’t been that long ago that I had been standing there with Sylvia. Cropper must have been somewhere in the fog while we had been fighting off the Cleaners. I replayed the whole event in my head, and as I did, I realised that I had more to tell Ben. Turning to face him, I said, “There’s something else strange that’s been happening to me.”
“What?” asked Ben, reaching down for his trousers.
“I’ve been hearing another voice… it’s weird… sometimes it sounds like its coming from behind me and sometimes it sounds like it’s in my head,” I replied. “The voice is female and it’s not like the other voices – far from it.”
Ben stood up, pulled on his trousers and said, “How do you mean?”
“I think it wants to help me. It said something about making a path and then I seemed to lose all control over my movements. I was up at the gate and the voice seemed to speak for me. I have no idea what I said but the fog seemed to part right before my eyes.” Shaking my head, I whispered, “But then I wonder whether I’m really hearing it at all. I wonder if… well, am I just not going insane… losing it like Sylvia? After all, I’ve started crawling around on ceilings now and I’ve lost my temper more than once. I never used to be like that. I’m scared that I’ll become like the other volunteers.”
“Listen,” said Ben, pulling on his shirt, “There’s so much we don’t know and I’m not gonna feed you with any bullshit lies and pretend that you’re gonna be all right. All we can do is hope, Kassidy, and work out where we go from here.”
Feeling frustrated, I said, “Well where do we go from here? Do we stay on the run forever – looking over our shoulders?” I stood up and snatched my clothes from off the floor. “That sounds more like Jude’s plan. He wants…” I stopped, my head suddenly swarmed with what Jude had told me about my parents. Pulling on my leggings, I reached for my bra but instead of getting it, I took hold of the photograph of my father.
“Jude wants what?” asked Ben, coming to stand beside me.
I shook my head and whispered, “It doesn’t matter.” Turning my back to Ben, I opened up the photograph and stared at my dad. I wanted to ask Ben about what had happened on the day my mother had taken part in the drug trial. But I wasn’t sure if I could stomach any more details about it. I still felt quite numb after what Jude had told me but, staring down at my father’s face made me feel sad.
Feeling Ben’s hands fall gently on my shoulders, I turned my head and found him peering down at the photo I held in my hands. I shivered as his breath tickled lightly down my neck.
“What’s that you’ve got?” asked Ben, sliding his hands down my arms then slipping them around my waist. I could feel his body press tightly against my back.
Holding up the photo, I said, “A picture I found at Cruor Pharma. It was in the locker room. It’s of my father.” I didn’t say any more. Instead, I waited for Ben’s response. I watched as his eyes widened as he noticed the Cruor Pharma uniforms all worn by the people in the picture.
Ben’s arms fell away from me and he stumbled back slightly. Turning his back on me, he ga
sped, “Kassidy… you have to believe me when I say… I’ve just remembered. That photograph, seeing it… it’s brought it all back. Shit!” Ben swung around and snatched the picture from out of my hands. Staring hard at it, he said, “Do you know what happened?”
I nodded my head and whispered, “Yes… Jude told me after he revealed who he really was. Do you remember everything that happened? Can you tell me why you saved my father and me?”
“Middleton should never have allowed you and your father up on the wards. I told him. I fucking told him that it would be a mistake. But he wouldn’t listen. That day I really struggled to be me. Quint was fighting to take the lead – I was fighting back to stay as me – then the drug test failed miserably – it was carnage – nothing more than a bloodbath!” Ben sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed his eyes as if he had just woken up. He glanced up at me and continued to talk. “Why did I save you and your father? I couldn’t just stand there and watch you both get ripped to shreds. I knew I had very little time to get you out of there before the Cleaners were called in – before your own mother turned on you. So I grabbed your father by the arm – pulled him out – and then I panicked. I didn’t know where to hide you both – where you would be safe from the volunteers and the Cleaners. But then Quint seemed to realise that I was flustering, and I remember now, it was him who got you out of the old hospital and into the newer side. But I remember fighting back – pushing Quint back inside me. I didn’t want to leave your safety in his hands – I couldn’t trust him. So I led your father down a corridor only to hear footsteps coming in the direction we were heading. There was only one room along that corridor that I could put you in – where I knew you would be safe. But it was the one room that I was never allowed to go in. It was the room where Quint wasn’t even allowed in. But with no other option, and I think with Quint pushing for me to do so, I opened the door and shoved your father inside. Quint took over then. I heard him tell your father to wait in there and that he would be back to get him out when it was safe.”
Damned (Kassidy Bell Series Book 4) Page 19
