Tear

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “How do you feel?” I felt my eyes search his face for any hint of information that would give him away.

  “Guilty.” He growled as his mouth crushed mine. I closed my eyes as his lips worked against mine. Alec was so different. His kiss didn’t scare me — it terrified me. It made me feel things a high school girl had no right to feel.

  Alec stumbled back, his breathing ragged. “Goodbye, Nat.”

  Hurt, I watched him leave the janitor’s closet. He didn’t come back, even though I waited.

  After ten minutes the lunch bell rang and I walked to my locker in a daze of confusion.

  “Hey.” Demetri caught up to me. “You sick again?”

  “No, sorry. I’m just tired,” I lied, hoping my face didn’t say “And I just kissed your brother, because I think I may love him.”

  The problem was I loved Demetri too. In a totally different but very real way, and I felt so guilty that I had just done something so horrible to him.

  “You need coffee.” He nodded his head as if he was the all-knowing and all powerful Oz and I the Tin Man who was just given a heart.

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Come on.” He held out his hand. I grabbed it. Demetri led me through the crowded halls, the security detail followed close behind.

  When we got to the principal’s office, it was clear that any woman with a heartbeat would gladly murder me and take my place. For one second I thought the receptionist was going to rip her own shirt off and confess undying love.

  I quickly grabbed her family picture and put it face down on the counter while Demetri smooth talked her. Nobody should have to witness this tragedy.

  After a few minutes, in which I watched him sign a few autographs for the office staff, he winked at me and we were off.

  “Did you just use bribery?”

  “No.” He laughed. “I smiled.”

  I chuckled. “What am I going to do with you? So cocky…”

  “Anything you want, Nat. I’m yours.” He stopped walking and pulled me into his embrace. His lips were on mine before I could protest.

  Guiltily, I kissed him harder. I wanted the memory of Alec’s lips gone. I was still hurt, and now I was using Demetri to make me feel better. He moaned and wrapped his arms around me, crushing my body against his. Muscles flexed in his jaw as I leaned up and kissed his chin.

  “Nat,” he ground out tearing himself away from me. “If you keep kissing me back like that, I’m not going to behave.”

  I bit my lip, then quickly remembered Alec’s earlier warning. As if I summoned him up out of nowhere, he walked up behind us, his lips in a grim line.

  “Skipping school?”

  “Nat wasn’t feeling well.” Demetri shrugged.

  “I wonder why. She looked fine in your arms a few seconds ago.” His eyes were accusing.

  I wanted to scream, So what? Yes, I kissed my boyfriend, and yes, it was minutes after kissing you! But you said no! You practically threw me into your brother’s arms, and now you think you have a right to be mad at me?

  I felt my nostrils flare. Alec took a step back, then smirked. “Whatever, I just came outside to grab something from the car. You kids have fun.” And just like that he was gone.

  And my heart was in my throat for the second time that day.

  “Come on.” Demetri unlocked the car.

  “How’s Alec going to get home?” I buckled my seatbelt and watched his disappearing form as he reentered the school.

  “I left Lloyd with him, he’ll catch a ride. Don’t worry, my brother is very capable of taking care of himself.”

  “Right.” I knew that. I just didn’t need Demetri to know that I knew that.

  “So…” Demetri turned the key in the ignition and put the car in reverse. “I have all afternoon and then I need to go to your mom’s for an appointment.”

  “Do you guys go every week?” I pried, fidgeting with my hair.

  “Yup.” His expression was so horribly closed.

  “You and Alec.”

  Silence and then, “Of course.”

  I rolled my eyes. “When are you going to trust me?” The car stopped at the stop sign leading out into traffic.

  “When I know I can.” This time his eyes never left my face as he looked intently into my eyes. I felt so small, I wanted to crawl underneath the car and let it roll over me. Did he know about me and Alec? Was I that obvious?

  Demetri cursed and pulled the car over on the side of the road. “Wanna tell me right here and right now so we can get this over with?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Demetri laughed and looked out the window. “I think you know exactly what I mean.”

  I pretended to be clueless even though my breathing was ragged and I was suddenly hot all over.

  Demetri cursed. “My brother is off limits. I don’t share.”

  “And I do?” I blurted. “What about the cheerleader you were making out with at the party?”

  Demetri hit the steering wheel and cursed. “I thought you were over that! It was a mistake! Alright? Besides this is different.”

  “It’s different how? You want me to trust you? Then you have to trust me!” Even as I said it I felt like crap, but I hated that he was making me feel guilty over something he was doing just a few weeks ago.

  “He’s my brother, Nat. There are things you don’t know. It wouldn’t be the first time a girl had the hots for both of us and went for it, okay?”

  “I’m not that kind of girl.”

  “You sure?” he snapped.

  “That was uncalled for.” Hands shaking, I opened the door to the car, climbed out, and began walking up the street in the opposite direction.

  “Nat, stop!” Demetri ran after me and pulled me into his arms. “I’m sorry, I just get so damned jealous. I see the way he looks at you. The way you look at him.”

  “It’s not like that,” I lied. “It won’t ever be like that. Believe me, he’s made it very clear where his loyalty lies.” And it wasn’t with me or with his feelings for me, but for his brother who was doing everything in his power to prove to me that he was worthy, while I went behind his back. I was the worst of the worst, and I knew I had to make a choice. I couldn’t have feelings for Alec and date Demetri. I needed to let one of them go.

  “But have you made your intentions known? Have you made your choice, Nat?” Demetri asked his lips a breath away from mine. “Because up until now, I’ve had my doubts.”

  My mind replayed the images of Alec’s laughter, of our stolen moments together. The way his kiss felt against my lips. And then the sound of his goodbye. I sighed and licked my lips. Goodbye Alec. “I want you.”

  Demetri’s stoic face suddenly broke out into the widest grin I’d ever seen. “You mean it?” He kissed my lips. “Tell me you mean it.” His hands were in my hair, threading it between his fingers.

  “I mean it.” And I did. Because part of me loved him, part of me craved him. But another part would always belong to Alec. I just chose in that moment to tuck it away. Maybe if I ignored it, I wouldn’t feel the sting of rejection anymore. Maybe I could move on and actually be happy with Demetri.

  “I really care about you, Nat. I’ve never felt this way before,” he whispered across my lips. His tongue licked my lower lip, and then he tugged it with his teeth as his mouth covered mine again.

  “Me either,” I admitted, because I hadn’t ever felt this way before. I just didn’t expect to feel it twice.

  A few cars honked in the distance. I felt myself blush as I noticed we were only a mile away from school and making out in the street. With our luck it would probably hit the news tonight. Great. That’s all I needed. My mom to suspect I was not only sleeping with both boys but skipping school with them too.

  I groaned and slapped my palm against my forehead. All this drama was exhausting.

  Demetri chuckled and reached around me, tugging my body in for a quick hug. “Food?”

  “Food.” I nodded.

/>   Chapter Sixteen

  The next few weeks fell into a very nice and familiar rhythm. Demetri and Alec always took me to school and Bob followed me like a stalker every day. I even convinced him it would be in his best interest to join me at work.

  He liked that.

  He was currently on flavor thirty of five thousand flavors of taffy.

  It never ceased to crack me up to see him digging through the different flavors and tasting them.

  Even Evan warmed up to him. Well as much as you can to a guy who grunts more than he talks.

  I didn’t see Alec. Ever. I still ran with him, but when we ran it was exactly as it had been before. We didn’t talk about anything personal and the miles always ended before I was ready for them be done.

  At school he ignored me completely. Because of that fact, everyone forgot about my whorish newspaper spread and began talking about Homecoming and the upcoming football game.

  I was happy.

  I still missed Alec, but Demetri had been the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. He was attentive, charismatic, and caring. Sometimes, his ego got on my nerves, but I was comfortable enough with him to tell him when he was being a selfish pig.

  Although his response was always confusion. Which always meant I had to explain to him why it didn’t sound good for him to refer to himself in the third person, or talk about a new car he wanted to buy in front of a girl who was using food stamps at the grocery store.

  I was finally able to focus on something other than boys when my teachers decided our finals before the end of the first quarter would last three days and consist of nothing but papers and tests.

  Who still did finals every quarter?

  I was on my third and final test and ready to freak out when Demetri came strolling down the hall with Starbucks in hand.

  “For me?” I asked, breathless.

  He held out the coffee then snatched it away.

  “I’m going to hurt you,” I spat.

  “So violent.” Demetri sat next to me in the hall. I was doing a last minute cram session before the next test started.

  “So tired,” I grumbled, leaning my head on his shoulder.

  “The coffee is because you’re tired.” He held it out, but attached to the back of the cup was an envelope. I snatched it and opened it up.

  It was a poem.

  “You wrote me a poem?”

  “No.” He shook his head as if disgusted. “I wrote you a song.”

  Oh. My. Gosh.

  “Y-you did?” I didn’t know what to say.

  “Yup, I’m recording it with Alec when we have time.”

  “Wait, I thought you wrote it though?”

  Demetri leaned in and kissed me lightly across the mouth. “I did, though he always helps with some of the verses, plus we always sing together.”

  If I wouldn’t have already been sitting I probably would have fainted. The words hit too close to home. It was too real. And suddenly I felt like crying.

  “Hey, hey! Why are you crying?” Demetri chuckled and pulled me into his chest. “Baby, I thought it would make you happy!”

  “It does, I mean, I am. I guess I’m just touched. Nobody’s ever done anything like this for me.”

  “You deserve everything.” He kissed my nose. If only he knew what I liar I was. I exhaled.

  “About Homecoming…”

  My head popped up. He had all my attention. “Yeah?”

  “I have this thing in L.A. It’s a music camp. A lot of the low income schools participate, and it lasts for a week. I offered to help teach some classes, and well, they called yesterday. I leave tonight.” His eyes were sad but more excited than I’ve seen them in a while.

  “You need to go,” I said, happily squeezing his hand.

  “You don’t mind?” He grinned. “Because, Nat, I can totally cancel, I mean… Well, I would be bummed. I found out I really like teaching, and I’m good at it, and I don’t know. It’s just so different than performing all the time, and—”

  He had the same issue I did with talking. Whenever he got excited it was impossible to shut him up. I pulled him into a hug and laughed even though a stab of disappointment was barreling into my chest. Maybe it was for the best since I hadn’t bought a dress yet. Demetri had said we could make a huge date out of dress shopping. Guess that was out the window too. I pushed back from the hug and sighed. “Demetri, just go! I’m proud of you and I’ll be fine. I’ll just go with Alesha and Evan.”

  Demetri groaned.

  “What?”

  “Evan’s gonna be pissed.”

  “Evan will deal with it.” I nudged him. “Plus, it’s nothing you can’t fix with free concert tickets.”

  “Aw, there’s my little manipulator.” He got up and dusted his jeans off.

  My eyes followed his hands as he shoved them into his pocket. I didn’t want to admit that I was worried about him going to L.A. without Big Brother watching over him. My doubts were unfounded though. I mean, he’d been doing nothing but proving to me he was trustworthy. “I promise I’ll call you when I can, okay? I’m flying out of Portland in a few hours, so I’ll let you drink your awesome coffee and read the amazing song I wrote you.” He looked like he was going to say something and cleared his throat. “I, um, I’ll miss you, Nat.”

  My heart nearly broke. He was so good. I didn’t deserve him. “I’ll miss you too, Demetri.” I got up and kissed him. “Now go pack, and try to behave when you’re away.”

  “Scout’s honor.”

  “You were never a Boy Scout.”

  “I would have been an awesome Boy Scout,” he argued.

  “Just go.” I pushed him down the hall and joined him in laughter as he waved goodbye.

  I walked back to my seat and glanced at the song Demetri had written.

  Brown eyes, blond hair, I can’t help but stare. She’s got me hypnotized. I need her, like oxygen, I can’t explain the way she makes me feel inside. Like rain, washing my fears away, she makes me feel like I can say all those things I’m too scared to say.

  Breathe in, breathe out, sometimes you just gotta shout your love. Shout your love. Inhale, exhale, the beauty of your love will always be enough. Enough.

  Lost, the feeling I have without you. Like I can’t function and don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m dreaming while I’m waking. Like I’m suffocating. Being with her is my addiction, and I don’t want to have to stop. No, I never want to stop. Like rain, washing my fears away, she makes me feel like I can say all those things I’m too scared to say.

  Come back to me. Come back to me. I swear I won’t ever leave. I don’t think I have it in me. I can’t fight, I can’t fight. If I did, I would lose, if only it meant I could have you. Cause I need you.

  Like rain.

  Like rain.

  Like rain, washing my fears away.

  I stared at the song. Tears welled in my eyes. I knew exactly the part that Alec had written. It was the bridge. I could almost hear his voice singing it.

  I quickly texted Demetri and said thank you.

  A smiley face was his reply.

  Carefully, I folded the song and put it in my pocket then trudged to class. It was my last final before the long weekend and the Homecoming game.

  The coffee helped me get through the first hour.

  By two I still had a few questions left.

  Whoever said that school wasn’t torture was clearly homeschooled, or didn’t attend public high school.

  “Ugh,” I moaned, then realized it was out loud. Evan snickered behind me. I was surprised he was still there, all things considering. His tactic during tests usually had to do with him filling in the circles in as many designs as possible.

  “Five minutes,” Mr. Meservy announced.

  I looked behind me. Alec was hovering over his paper like it was life or death. I quickly filled in the last few circles, because I was clueless about the answers, and brought my test to the front.

  “Thank you.” Mr. Meservy t
ook my test.

  Done. I was done!

  I ran out into the hall and had the ridiculous notion to throw my fist in the air and start belting Zac Efron from High School Musical. Clearly, I was losing my mind. Demetri would be so disappointed. Both he and Alec had been dead set against me listening to anyone that they deemed threatening in the music world.

  Goodbye, Neo, both Justins, Drake, Hunter Hayes — so basically, they just disapproved of the males.

  I did a little dance in the hall anyway.

  “Is that from High School Musical?” A familiar voice said behind me.

  I froze, my hand mid-air as if I was doing the clock move, and turned. Alec’s grin was so wide it looked like it hurt his face.

  He also had his phone out.

  “Please tell me you didn’t take a picture.”

  “I didn’t take a picture,” he confirmed.

  I exhaled.

  “I recorded it and just uploaded to Youtube.”

  “No!” I gasped.

  “Nah.” Alec shrugged. “But I did send it to Demetri.”

  I glowered at him as he chuckled and put his phone in his pocket. This was the most we had talked in weeks. I tried to extinguish the memory of his lips on mine, but it was pointless.

  I exhaled and put my hands on my hips. “What do you want?”

  “Don’t ask a question you don’t want the answer to,” he said darkly.

  “Sorry.”

  He shrugged. “Demetri wants me to take you to Homecoming.”

  “Demetri is very trusting.” I glanced at Alec’s reaction to my comment, but he feigned indifference.

  “Demetri knows where my loyalty lies.”

  “So do I.”

  We stood there glaring at one another for what seemed like hours.

  “Look…” Alec cursed and walked toward me. He always scratched the back of his head when he was nervous, and I always stared as his shirt barely rose, giving me a small glimpse of his stomach and part of his tattoo. “We’re friends. Let me take you. It would suck to go by yourself.”

  “True.” I folded my arms across my chest. “I just don’t know if it’s the best idea.”

  “I’ll be the perfect gentleman.”