Tear

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “I can carry that.”

  He shrugged and kept walking. “I know.”

  Aggravating did not even begin to describe the guy. By the time the lunch bell rang he had successfully followed me to every class, in his defense — not that I felt like defending his behavior — he had at least two out of the three classes with me, but still. It was bordering on ridiculous.

  I ignored him as I walked through the lunch line. My stomach was in knots so nothing looked appetizing. By the time I reached the end of the line my tray was still empty.

  “Eat,” Alec said behind me.

  I rolled my eyes so he couldn’t see me and turned around ready to do battle. “I’m not hungry.”

  “You still need food.”

  “Are we really going to sit here and argue?”

  Alec grabbed my empty tray. “Of course not.”

  I exhaled in relief, but it was short-lived as I watched him go back through the line and pile my tray high with every single option on the hot lunch list. He paid for the food and brought me the tray. I swear it was bending from the weight of food.

  “Please tell me we’re sharing,” I grumbled.

  Alec smirked and took a seat at a far off table, a table that my friends and I normally didn’t sit at. “Eat,” he commanded once I plopped down next to him.

  I looked at my choices. Meat surprise, an apple, some sort of salad that looked more like macaroni than leafy greens and an alarming amount of French fries.

  “Thanks.” I took the apple from the tray and nibbled on a fry.

  “About what I said…” His voice was low, almost impossible to hear. I scooted closer, not sure I wanted to hear him defend his behavior or pity me for the rumors flying around school about Demetri’s cheating scandal.

  “I was upset.”

  “I know.” The fry in my finger felt soggy, I threw it onto the napkin and wiped my hands. “I was too.”

  Alec grabbed my hand and held it in his lap, rubbing his thumb delicately over the tender flesh on my wrist. “Will you forgive me?”

  Not what I expected. I looked back at the soggy fries and bit my lip. “Alec, there wasn’t ever anything to forgive. I was the one being insensitive.”

  His grip lessened on my hand.

  “But…” I turned toward him and then shied away, I hadn’t realized how close we were sitting until right then. Close enough to kiss him, for crying out loud! “You can’t keep shutting me out and keeping me in the dark like this! I mean, some days I really like you, I lo—” I stopped myself as I felt my cheeks stain crimson. “I love hanging out with you. You’re one of my best friends, and some days I feel like, I don’t know… Like you are trying to push me away. And then all this stuff with Demetri trying to strip me naked and then in the same breath, talking cryptically about being the first. I don’t know. I’m just really confused.”

  Alec’s eyes flickered to my lips then back up to my eyes. “I know. It’s just that…” His voice cracked. He pulled his hand away and shook his head as he looked out the windows of the cafeteria. “The minute I tell you, is the minute I say goodbye to you forever.”

  “You don’t know that!” I grabbed his hand pleading with him to trust me, just once.

  “Give me time to believe that, Nat.” Alec smiled sadly and squeezed my hand. The lunch bell rang.

  “Are you gonna follow me to my next class?”

  Alec laughed. “Do you want me to?”

  I blushed. “Kind of.”

  “Then yes, I’ll follow you to class.”

  “Will you stay?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  “Are we really doing this right now?” I glared.

  Alec picked up the trays and my messenger bag. “I’ll take you, but I need to go to class too. I have a lot of learning to do.”

  “Clearly.” I smirked.

  As promised, he took me to Geology and went on his merry way toward his class, but not before turning around and giving me the most seductive wink in high school history. My knees went weak and suddenly I wasn’t so sad about Demetri. My heart still clenched, but part of it was because I sensed he was hurting and I didn’t know what I did to cause it or what I could do to fix it. Even though I wasn’t completely certain of our relationship status, I still loved him. He was more than just a boyfriend. Demetri was a friend, someone I wouldn’t wish to hurt in any way, though I knew I was probably doing exactly that every time I fell asleep dreaming of his brother, rather than of him.

  I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone and texted him again.

  HOPE U R HVING A GD DAY. U SHD B PLEASED. ALEC MADE ME EAT. THE FRIES WR SOGGY. —NAT

  Satisfied, I tucked my phone back into my front pocket and pretended to listen to my teacher.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  I had more homework than I thought possible. Weren’t they supposed to lighten up after finals? It had been a week since Demetri and I’d had our fight or whatever that was. He still hadn’t texted me back, and the media had been ruthless about Anjelica and their outings.

  I was upset. But I had no right to be. Obviously we were over, but it still hurt. And yes, I had kissed his brother, and been guilty of loving him more than I should, but I had lost a friend, a good friend, and just looking at him on TV made me sad. He was supposed to be coming back in two days, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to face him.

  Alec and I hung out every night. We watched movies, played his stupid games, but he never touched me. Whatever had gone on between us was clearly over. He was back to his old respectable self, yet there were flickers of our past relationship. Sometimes when we ate popcorn and our fingers brushed, he would jerk back. I accidently fell asleep a few times during movies. It wasn’t my fault his chest was more comfy than the couch. I hoped to God I didn’t talk in my sleep because I almost always woke up sprawled across his lap.

  “Nat, wake up.” He would brush the hair across my face and then his hands would pull back as he waited for me to get up from the couch on my own and groggily walk back to my house. I shivered at the memories of the past week.

  I shook my head and looked back at my homework. It was Friday and I wasn’t in the mood. I decided to go to the beach and listen to music. I hadn’t done that in a while and I felt more emotional than usual.

  I put on a sweatshirt and ran out of the house. It took me five minutes to get to my favorite spot next to the tall grass that edged the white sand. The music soothed my nerves. Actually it soothed my fear and insecurity about everything going on with Alec and Demetri, but then again, music had a way of doing that. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

  I must have fallen asleep because I woke up extremely chilled. My teeth chattered as I grasped the sweatshirt tighter around me.

  “So are you attempting suicide or merely stupid?” A dark voice asked from behind me.

  “Hello to you too, friend,” I grumbled stretching my arms above my head as I stole a peek at Alec.

  His lips slightly parted, his tongue slipped out to wet them and then he cursed and ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t know where you were.”

  “Well, you found me.” I shivered again but didn’t want to get up, call it stubbornness, but I wanted to stay put.

  “I swear you’re aging me, Nat,” Alec mumbled as he took a seat next to me and pulled me into his embrace.

  “Sorry?”

  “Not much of an apology, but I’ll take it.” He moved his hand quickly over my shoulders and then began massaging my neck. I moaned and dipped my head forward as his fingers dug into my sore flesh.

  We sat there, silent for a few minutes, other than my moaning. His touch felt so good. He hadn’t touched me since the dance.

  “Alec?”

  “Hmm?”

  I swallowed the fear and pressed forward. “Do you trust me yet?”

  I heard his deep sigh so I kept my head down as he continued to massage. “Getting there, Nat. Getting there.”

  Nodding, I licked my lip
s and stuffed my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt. “Okay.”

  “Do you have plans tonight?”

  I laughed. “You mean besides my failed suicide attempt?”

  His hand stilled and then he pulled me into a side hug and kissed my head. “Yes, besides that.”

  “Nope.”

  “Good.” He jumped up, dusting the sand off of his torn jeans, and held out his hand. “Let’s watch a movie.”

  “Deal.”

  We walked hand in hand back to the house. I moved around his kitchen, familiar with my surroundings, considering it had been like a second home to me, and made some popcorn.

  Alec set up the movie then grabbed a few sodas and poured them over crushed ice. We settled onto the couch and he pressed play.

  “Twilight?” I squeaked. “Really?”

  He shrugged. “I’m trying to earn points.”

  “For being an ass half the time?” I countered.

  “Of course not.” Alec nudged me. “For being an ass at least three quarters of the time.”

  “Ah, that’s sweet.”

  “Glad you agree.” He winked and put his arm around me. It was the most he had touched me in days. I craved his nearness, so I very slowly curled up next to him and sighed, content to watch werewolves and vampires fight over a girl who had dead eyes.

  Unfortunately, neither of us realized, that is until after the credits were rolling, how similar our story was.

  Well, if you took out the whole I’m going to kill you in order to love you thing, it was basically the same.

  A sordid love triangle with two very different boys who both refused to let me in on their secret.

  “Probably a poor choice considering…” Alec’s voice trailed off.

  I nodded mutely.

  “But I’m curious.” Alec turned down the TV and twisted his body to face me. “Would I be more of a Jacob or an Edward?”

  I put a hand over my mouth to stifle my laugh.

  “Forget it.” Alec cursed and made a move to get up.

  “I’m sorry, no stay!” I laughed and tried to tug him back down to the couch and managed to get my giggles under control. “You have to understand that guys don’t just go walking around asking things like that.”

  “I know.” His clenched teeth and rigid posture told me all I needed to know. I sighed and leaned back in order to really take him in. His form was big, muscular. He was dark, dangerous, brooding, funny. He was everything. I let out a little gasp.

  His eyes narrowed. “What?”

  Embarrassment washed over me as I looked down at my clenched hands and whispered, “You’re kind of both.”

  “As in a hybrid?” he asked.

  I glanced up, he was grinning like an absolute fool. His smile did funny things to me. It made me feel like I wanted to attack him but hold his hand at the same time and enjoy the feel of his palm against mine. Smiles were a special case, and I sometimes wished he would reserve them only for me.

  “Yes, Alec. A hybrid, you’re like a vampwolf.” I burst out laughing and turned away. He pounced on me, his body hovered over mine.

  “Is my man card gone now?” His face was so close to mine I could only see his lips as they formed the words.

  My eyes traced the corner of his firm jaw. “No.” I reached up and trailed my hand down his muscular shoulder and arm.

  He shuddered. “Damn it.” His eyes flashed. For a second I was scared and then he was kissing me. With a groan my body flared to life as his muscular form covered mine. I was suffocating in him. I needed him so much it was painful. I reached for his shoulders and pulled him closer. He wedged his leg between mine then reached for my hips pulling me against him.

  Alec had never kissed me like this. He placed his hands behind me and grasped my butt as he deepened the kiss. Frantic, I reached for his shirt. He was already there without my help. He tugged it off giving me an amazing view of his tattooed body and muscled abs. I gasped and gave an involuntary shudder.

  “Nat, you drive me crazy.”

  “Good crazy?” I asked breathlessly as he gazed down at me.

  He tilted my chin upward and kissed the corner of my mouth. “Crazy crazy.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, oh.” He chuckled against my neck, then began sucking below my ear before returning to my lips. I reached for the buttons of his jeans, but he pushed my hands back down, pinning me against the couch.

  I tried again, but he pushed me away, this time slapping at my hands.

  I laughed and let my hands fall to my side. “Seriously?”

  He nuzzled my neck. “I’m not that kind of guy.”

  Sighing, I tilted my head to give him better access. “Right now, I kind of wish you were.”

  His hands stilled, his lips frozen on my neck. Crap. What did I do?

  “You can’t say things like that to me, Nat. Not when we’re like this, because I want nothing more than to take you on this couch and very aggressively, very slowly, very purposefully, have my way with you.”

  “Okay.”

  “Nat,” he warned, his arms flexing as he braced himself above me.

  I knew he was painfully turned on. I mean how could I not tell? But I was just as uncomfortable as he was. I wanted him. And it wasn’t just my hormones speaking, it was so much deeper.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” he said.

  “No, you don’t.”

  “But I do.” He kissed my lips, softly tugging on the bottom one, then biting down causing a pleasurable pain. “You think it would be worth it, but I promise you, that’s not the case.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you don’t know what kind of guy I am.”

  “But I do!”

  His eyes got very sad as he bowed his head to touch mine. “Nat, you don’t.”

  “Then tell me, and let me make my choice.”

  “What if by telling you, I lose you?”

  “Do you really think I’m that kind of person?”

  “Yes and no.” He wrapped his hands around my head and pressed his mouth against mine, deepening the kiss, his tongue swirled in my mouth causing sensations to flare to life all throughout my body. He tasted so sweet, his body was so warm. I felt comfortable and scared all at once. Excited, yet cautious. Being with Alec was like trying to tame a tiger. You never knew if he was going to play fair or if he was going to pounce.

  I pressed my palm flat against his chest and closed my eyes as I allowed myself to get lost in his kiss. Soon I realized I was no longer in a situation I could control, but then again maybe I hadn’t ever been in control. Not when it came to Alec. He groaned and lifted me then threw me back onto the couch so that he was straddling near my hips, his hands moved to my chest and then dipped under my shirt.

  I should have realized that something would go wrong. After all, hadn’t everything?

  I didn’t hear the door click.

  Nor did I hear anyone shout our names.

  By the time I opened my eyes it was too late. Demetri stood there, a sad smile on his lips. I nudged Alec, he pulled back and then scowled.

  “Second again, brother. Don’t you have a little starlet to go screw?”

  I slapped him so hard my hand stung.

  Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to get out from under his hold. Alec held me firm. I twisted in his grip. Nobody said a word. What. The. Hell.

  Demetri didn’t move. He watched me struggle. Watched his brother and shook his head before dropping his bag to the floor. “I came home early to see Nat.”

  “But…” Words failed me.

  “I lost my phone,” he said reading my mind. “Some Hollywood starlet was irritated that a nobody was texting me.” He shifted his feet nervously and looked at the floor, his face slightly red.

  Numb, I glared at Alec, willing him to say something, anything to make the pain in my chest go away.

  Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

  With a cry, I beat him with my fists until he relented, final
ly letting me escape from his hold. It was the second time in only five days that I had run crying from their house. Would I ever learn?

  “Nat! Nat!” Alec screamed after me.

  I pushed against the door to my house grunting with the impact.

  Alec’s arms braced around me holding me to him. “I’m sorry, Nat, I know how that appeared.”

  “Oh really, Alec?” I sobbed. “Because it looked pretty life-shattering.”

  His arms tensed even more around me. “I know, but it isn’t what it looked like.”

  I hung my head. “So you didn’t just make out with me in hopes that your brother, who apparently still is my boyfriend, would come home and catch us. You are a piece of work, you know that? Both of you! I hate both of you!” My voice cracked as my body slumped back against his.

  “He’s lying to you!” he shouted, making the hair on the back of my arms stand at attention.

  “How do you even know that? He didn’t have his phone.”

  “I just know him, Nat, okay?” His voice strained in the nighttime air. “Are you going to be alright?”

  “No.” I turned around in his arms, my face inches from his. “I’m not just going to be alright. You said he was second, suggesting that you got to me first. What the hell, Alec? You’re not that guy. I don’t believe it. Why would you hurt me like that? Why would you throw something like that in his face?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “So I don’t matter?”

  Alec muffled a curse. “That’s not what I said.”

  We stood in silence, me still in his arms, and Alec’s breathing turning more ragged by the second. His head descended, and he very gently brushed a kiss across my lips. I was still in too much shock to push away. His words jolted me out of it.

  “I was mad, okay? I know it was uncalled for. I’m sorry.”

  “Damn right, you’re sorry!” I tried to pull away, but he tilted my chin up for another kiss. I couldn’t think when he was near me, when he was kissing me as if I was his reason for living.

  I threw my arms around his neck and opened my mouth to him, the kiss deepened, and my hunger for him grew. Even though I wanted to hate him, my heart wouldn’t let me.

  “What are you doing to me?” I whispered against his lips, finally allowing my body to fully slump into his embrace.