by Croix, J. H.
She shifted forward, reaching for my belt. “Your turn.”
Chapter Nineteen
Addie
Ryan’s hand curled around my wrist, his grip gentle but firm. “Not tonight,” he murmured, his voice gruff and taut.
With the tremors of my climax still echoing through my body, I lifted my eyes to his face. Perhaps I had misread what I thought was his reciprocal desire. The searing heat was still there in his eyes. The blue had gone so dark it was almost navy. My eyes dropped again to the outline of his cock in his slacks.
Lifting my gaze again, I asked, “Why?”
When I dropped my hand, he released it easily and rested both of his beside my hips on the bed. Given that he had just sent me flying with one of the most intense orgasms I’d ever had, I was shocked to feel my pulse pick up its pace again.
The mattress dipped under his weight, and a shiver chased over my skin at the look in his eyes and the way it felt to have his strength surrounding me. “Because I want to wait.”
“But why?”
“This isn’t a one-time thing for me. It’s important to me that you don’t think that it is.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I felt cracked wide open as if he could see all the insecurities I carried inside. I took a breath, trying to marshal myself together. The thing was, the raw need I felt for Ryan was so fierce, it was hard to think. All I knew was who and what I wanted.
“I promise I won’t think all you want is a one night stand,” I said quickly.
Ryan dropped his head with a low chuckle. His forehead rested against my shoulder before he turned and pressed a hot kiss on the sensitive skin where my neck met my shoulder.
That kiss was like a lick of fire. He lifted his head, his eyes earnest as he looked at me. “Don’t confuse this for thinking I don’t want you. Oh, I want you. Like I’ve never wanted anyone in my life. But my reputation precedes me, and I know it. It’s not just about tonight. I want you to give me a real chance.”
I had absolutely no idea what to make of this. Ryan’s reputation did precede him. It wasn’t that he was a player. He simply treated his dating life more like a business with benefits arrangement.
Meanwhile, my heart was going a little crazy, doing cartwheels inside my chest. Trust came to me easily in some ways—with new friendships, or when the universe sent my life along a different path.
Yet, there was one glaring exception to my natural inclination to trust in the universe and be open to what the world offered me. It all revolved around men and my heart. I hadn’t had my own heart broken by some asshole. No, I had my heart broken a piece at a time watching while my mother longed for my father, a man who was never there for her, or for me.
Ryan couldn’t have known just how much he was like my father. My father was wealthy. He had a cold and distant relationship with everyone in his family, including me, his only daughter. He’d met my mother when she was young and impressionable. I suppose one distinction between my father and Ryan was that my father enjoyed stringing women along for nothing more than fun. When he tired of them, he cast them aside. He tired of my mother once her pregnancy became visible.
She was his only marriage, and it had been short-lived. I adored my family and felt loved to pieces, but my family was limited to the maternal side for me. My father’s family was a void of nothing.
My childhood had been a series of tiny heartbreaks. I gradually came to a sense of acceptance about the reality of my father, that he would never be there for me, or for my mother. Although I was by nature a cheerful, optimistic person, I was cynical when it came to romance. I had no hopes for it, and I spent years promising myself I would never end up like my mother. For most of her adult life, she’d longed for a man who never intended to be there in any meaningful way.
Ryan had absolutely no idea how many buttons of mine he was pushing. Actually, it was just one gigantic red button, like one of those emergency buttons at a nuclear power plant. To have him here telling me he wanted me to take him seriously was almost laughably ridiculous.
And evidently, I hadn’t done as thorough a job as I’d thought of silencing the wishful voice in my heart. It might be hoarse and barely audible because I’d all but cut its vocal cords, but that wishful voice still managed to cry out now in protest of the rest of me.
I stared at Ryan, feeling far more vulnerable than I’d ever wanted to feel. “I don’t understand,” I finally said. I absolutely did not understand.
Ryan was quiet as his eyes searched my face. With my heartbeat thudding in my ears, I felt as if I were waiting on the edge of a precipice.
“I’m not sure I do either,” he replied slowly, his low gravelly voice sending another prickle of goosebumps over my skin. My desire for this man just wouldn’t quit. “All I know is I want you, and I like you. A lot.”
He leaned forward once more and caught my lips in a lingering kiss. There was nothing naughty about that kiss, nothing dirty. It felt almost chaste, and yet so intimate my belly filled with butterflies and my heart practically beat its way out of my chest.
He drew away slowly, and his lashes brushed against his cheeks when he looked down. The sound of his swallow was audible in the quiet room. “Fuck me. Stockings? You actually wear stockings with a garter.” His eyes lifted to mine, the look there almost pained. “You’re going to kill me.”
“I wasn’t hoping to kill you. I was just hoping you might fuck me.”
Ryan let out a choked laugh at that. In a few quick, efficient movements, he put my silk panties back to rights and tugged my skirt down around my hips, somehow managing to do so even though I was sitting on the bed.
He stepped away, his expression tortured as he looked at me. “I’m going to leave now, and I hope you’ll meet me for dinner next week.”
I didn’t even know how to feel about the crushing sense of disappointment that shafted through me—disappointment that he had enough control to leave, and that he wasn’t proposing dinner tomorrow night. Because I didn’t want to wait.
“I’ll be out of town for the next few days,” he continued, promptly answering my unspoken question. “I should be back by Sunday. If you’ll say yes, I have a surprise.”
I shimmied my hips off the edge of the bed, straightening my skirt and smoothing it over my legs. “What’s the surprise?”
Chapter Twenty
Ryan
I glared at the speakerphone on the desk in my hotel suite. “Seriously, Trixie?”
“I’m quite serious, Ryan,” Trixie returned in her usual haughty tone. “Even though I only just met Addie the other day, she’s practically family. Her aunt was one of my dearest friends. If you hurt Addie, you’ll have to answer to me.”
Good thing Trixie couldn’t see me. Since I was out of town for meetings in Washington, DC, I had conferenced in for the monthly board meeting for the rescue program. Trixie had asked me to call her directly when the session ended. My mouth fell open at her comment. Not because I thought I would hurt Addie, but because I was taken off guard by her protectiveness.
I snapped my mouth shut and gave my head a quick shake. “Trixie, I’m not going to hurt Addie.”
“How can you be sure?” she countered swiftly. I could practically feel her sharp gaze pinned on me through the phone line. Trixie was a commanding presence. Age had only reinforced her tendency not to give a shit what anybody thought of her speaking her mind.
I started to reply but paused. It wasn’t as if I could guarantee anything. That pause, that moment of hesitation, ended up reinforcing how I felt.
“Look, Trixie, I understand why you might be concerned. I’m not exactly known for taking relationships seriously.” Trixie snorted, and I continued. “I like Addie. She’s different for me.”
I suddenly felt as if I had stumbled onto another planet. Emotionally speaking, that is.
I didn’t have much time to ponder, because Trixie replied after a harrumph. “Well, I was right then.”
The subtle satisfaction I
heard in her tone elicited a chuckle from me. “Please, do tell me what you were right about.”
“When Addie told me you helped her after her little incident at your place, and you showed up with her at the fundraiser, something felt different. I’m wondering if I need to be more concerned about your feelings than hers.”
A brief sense of panic tightened in my chest. I shook it off and stared at the phone. “Perhaps you do. Obviously, I’m no expert at romance.” I got another snort for that comment from Trixie. “I have no intention of hurting Addie. I only hope she actually gives me a chance,” I said, completely meaning it.
Trixie was quiet for several beats before finally replying, “I hope so too. Honestly, I don’t know her particularly well, but I sensed you two just might be perfect for each other. I’ve always known you had a heart of gold. Your only lesson—your only example set forth by your parents’—was the cold misery a marriage can be between two people who don’t love each other.”
Trixie’s words echoed in my thoughts later as I took the elevator in my hotel downstairs to get a drink at the bar. Graham also happened to be in DC for a few days. We were both here on business. Striding into the bar, my gaze traveled around the room, taking in the plethora of men in suits and women in sharp business attire. My eyes finally found Graham, seated at a small table in the corner by the windows looking out over the city.
I crossed the room quickly, slipping into the chair across from him. “Well, hello there.”
Graham glanced up with a wink. “Hi there. Is your conference as boring as mine?”
As I lifted my hand to catch the attention of the waiter nearby, I replied, “For me, it’s business meetings. Some are more boring than others.”
The waiter stopped by our table, and I ordered a scotch.
“I’ll take another,” Graham said quickly.
After the waiter left to get our drinks, Graham and I began chatting, covering the usual topics, which were mostly business. As soon as our drinks were delivered, we were interrupted by Elaine Roble, a business acquaintance and a woman I’d taken to a few social events in New York City. Elaine was dressed in what could be considered her uniform, a fitted white blouse that teased her cleavage and a thin, navy pencil skirt.
“I didn’t know you were going to be in town,” Elaine said with a warm smile when she stopped beside our table. “Did you two travel here together?”
Graham shook his head. “We didn’t travel together, but just happened to be here at the same time. Always good to see you, Elaine,” Graham said smoothly.
“I’m here for business meetings,” I added when Elaine’s gaze shifted to me.
“I don’t suppose you two might like company?” Elaine asked, her eyes lingering on me.
I knew that look. It was the look I got from Elaine when she wanted to utilize our friendly-acquaintances-with-benefits relationship. It wasn’t something we did often, but it was what it was. I had absolutely no interest. Zero wasn’t low enough for how uninterested I was.
I smiled tightly and hoped Graham let this slide. “Graham and I are actually discussing some confidential business matters. A pleasure to see you though, Elaine.”
I caught the surprised look on Graham’s face out of the corner of my eye. Elaine was undeterred. “What about tomorrow night? I’ll still be in town if you will.”
I kept my smile bland. “Thank you, but I have another business dinner tomorrow night.”
I hoped this wasn’t going to get any more awkward than necessary and was relieved when another business acquaintance stopped by the table, effectively interrupting our conversation.
Moments later, when it was just Graham and me again, Graham gave me a knowing look. “What’s that about?”
I rolled my eyes. “Nothing.”
“Oh, it’s definitely not nothing. Want to know what I think?”
“I doubt I do, but I’m confident you’ll tell me anyway.”
Graham chuckled and took a swallow of his scotch. “You like Addie. You really like her.”
“Why do you think that?” I hedged.
“Because, unlike you, I know what it’s like to be in love. Soraya’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m not claiming you’re in love with Addie. It might be too soon for that, but I saw the way you looked at her. For what it’s worth, I like Addie. She’s good for you.”
For a moment, I wanted to shrug Graham’s comments off. Yet, he was one of the few friends who knew me well. Graham knew Colin and me when we were growing up together, and he knew the misery of living with my parents because he’d seen it firsthand. I also trusted his judgment, which was not something I could say about many people.
Graham’s voice broke into my train of thoughts. “I only have one other thing to say.”
“What’s that?”
“A woman like Addie doesn’t come along often. Don’t screw it up.”
Graham’s words struck at the heart of a fear I’d never experienced before. Because I had no fucking clue how to handle this thing with Addie.
I took a gulp of scotch, needing the fortitude. “I do like her. Since you’re you, I’ll admit I’m scared to death I’m going to fuck it up. You know what my parents were like.”
Graham shrugged. “Yeah, your dad was a fucking asshole, and your mother drank to numb herself to the man he was. Still though, you and Colin took care of each other. You’re not the cold, ruthless asshole you let the media think you are. If it helps, it’s obvious Addie likes you too.” He offered a small smile at that.
For a man whose entire adult life had been shaped to ensure control, the way my heart pounded in my chest and the uncertainty that jolted me wasn’t exactly comfortable. I didn’t want to be so concerned about how one single person felt about me. And yet, here I was with my tricky heart giving a funny tumble at my friend’s comment that Addie liked me too.
I enjoyed my drinks with Graham that evening, and he had enough sense—or rather he knew me well enough—to let the topic of Addie drop after that. As if it hadn’t already been sufficiently overwhelming for me.
The following morning, Hazel left me a cryptic message. Hazel rarely left me voice messages. She was insanely organized and usually had my life orchestrated down to the minute. She emailed and texted my daily schedule and any supporting documents I needed for upcoming meetings.
A phone message from her was so rare that I presumed there must be an emergency and called her immediately.
“Good morning, Ryan,” Hazel said in her clipped and efficient tone.
“Good morning. You left a phone message asking me to call as soon as I got it. I just got it. Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine. I had a call from the attorney who handled your brother’s estate. She said Colin asked her to contact you regarding some test results that were supposed to be run a few years after your father’s death.”
I gripped the phone tightly in my hand, leaning my hips against the desk in my hotel suite. I felt briefly unsteady on my feet. “Okaaa-y,” I said slowly, hoping my tone didn’t belie the tension knotting inside my gut.
“She said you would know what it’s about. I’ll text you the phone number, okay?”
I imagined Hazel was curious, but she hadn’t known me since I was a little boy for nothing. She would wait until I was ready to talk. I wasn’t even close to ready now.
“Thank you, Hazel.”
“Of course.” There was a long pause, and I was about to say goodbye when Hazel spoke again. “If you think whatever this news is might be distracting for you, perhaps you might wait to call,” she said gently.
“Always looking out for me, aren’t you?”
“Absolutely. I’ll see you in the office on Monday. You know where to reach me if anything comes up in the meantime.”
“I do. Have a good day, Hazel. Thanks for the call.”
“Of course.”
The line clicked in my ear, and I slowly lowered my phone after tapping the screen to close it
. I felt almost sick. Of all the days to get this phone call. I was already unsettled about Addie after my conversation with Graham last night. Burying my attention in spreadsheets and picking apart a business proposal this morning had helped allay that sense of unease.
Now, a day I both dreaded and anticipated was here. I’d known about this day ever since a conversation I had with my brother six months before his death. I’d purposefully never marked it on my calendar, although I was dimly aware today was that day.
I usually listened to Hazel’s advice. She offered it quite rarely. My phone vibrated in my hand. Glancing down, I saw Hazel’s promised text message with the name and phone number of the attorney.
Chapter Twenty-One
Addie
Crossing my legs, I glanced down at my worn leather cowboy boot. These were my beloved boots, and I’d had them for years. The stitching was starting to break down, and I might have to see if I could find another pair. I didn’t want to let them go. The leather was so soft and worn, and they fit my feet and calves like an old friend.
The sound of the door opening in the small examining room drew my attention. Daniel stepped into the room, casting me a quick smile.
“Hi there, Addie. Let me take a look at that hand. I’m going to take it personally if it’s not healing perfectly.”
I held out my hand with a smiled. “It’s healing well, and all the stitches are dissolved except that little bit sticking out. I was going to yank it out myself, but when I called my mother and mentioned it, she told me I was being ridiculous. So here I am.”
Daniel looked down, his eyes skimming over the fresh scars quickly. “You’re right. It looks great. It’s been a few weeks, so I’m glad to see the stitches are dissolved. I’ll yank that last bit out.”
