by Croix, J. H.
I glanced down at Barnable. “Do you want to go see Soraya?” I asked.
One of his ears stood up as he looked up at me for a moment with his body wiggling back and forth. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
After I got his sweater on, which I wasn’t so sure he liked, I buttoned my down coat and wound my scarf around my neck before we stepped out. I walked Barnable several times a day and was getting to know my neighborhood. There were a few other dog walkers who reliably waved to me now, which made me feel like I was starting to be a part of the community here. I headed over to a route I liked to take in the park. Barnable was well behaved as long as he had plenty of exercise. I wanted him to be on his best behavior at Soraya’s.
He trotted along at my side, stopping to do his business along the way. I disposed of the doggy bag in one of the marked places specifically for dog waste. I was just about to head back toward the address Soraya had texted me when I heard my name. My heart twisted in my chest, and my throat tightened.
Ryan had texted and even called over the last few days. Every time, I brushed him off with, in all honesty, lame excuses. For the first time in the last few days, I was relieved to hear his words echo in my mind. No matter what I thought I felt that night, Ryan wasn’t interested in more. It would serve me well to keep that foremost in my mind.
On the heels of a deep breath, I turned. Ryan was only a few feet away, and everything inside me froze for a moment. Why did I have to feel so much for him?
It didn’t help matters for Barnable to get all excited and start wiggling like crazy when he saw Ryan approaching. He even let out one of his little happy barks. I tried to keep my expression passive and polite when Ryan stopped in front of us.
“Addie,” he said when he stopped. “I—” His eyes flicked down when Barnable nudged him demandingly against his calf.
“Hey, buddy,” he said, his voice warming as he leaned down to pet Barnable. Glancing back up to me, Ryan grinned. “I couldn’t bring myself to put the sweater on him while you were gone.”
My heart was racing along in a jumbled beat. I did not need to think Ryan was a great guy just because he liked my dog. He could like my dog and still not want romance.
I wasn’t going to repeat history. My mother had longed for a man who was never available and had only come to her senses years later. I refused to let myself go there. So what if Ryan and I had amazing sex? It was just sex.
I pasted a tight smile on my face.
The lines of tension on his face were obvious, and I could practically feel the concern in his eyes. I steeled myself to withstand the effect he would have on my body. I felt like a cat wanting to purr and lean into someone’s touch. A sharp gust of cold, winter wind blew by, brushing my hair against my cheeks.
Ryan searched my face. “Is everything okay?”
“It’s fine. I’ve just been busy.” I hoped my tone sounded casual because that was what I was aiming for.
He looked at me quietly, and I felt as if he could see right into me. I wanted to close the shutters to my heart and soul to hold him at bay. I feared they’d been blown off the hinges the other night.
“Are you sure? I understand busy. I’d still love to take you out for dinner.”
Sometimes I hated my tendency to blurt out the truth. What happened next only reinforced how annoyed I could get with myself.
“I don’t think we should go to dinner again, Ryan. I think maybe I’m not your type.”
Ryan stepped closer, his gaze nearly searing me and sending my pulse lunging. “Addie, you’re the only woman who is my type.”
I wanted to cry, right then and there. I thanked God for my stubbornness because I clung to my pride and lifted my chin. “I don’t think so. You can take this however you’d like, and I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but I overheard you the other morning right before I left. ‘No romance.’ I understand. That’s what I would’ve expected from you. I was foolish enough to let myself think otherwise. I don’t know how to do things like that, and I really like you, which isn’t smart. I want to believe I can learn from my mistakes, so that’s what I’m doing now. I really do appreciate you helping me when Barnable broke into your basement and helping me find a new attorney. They haven’t sent a bill over, so I’ll make sure to call and reimburse anything you paid. I don’t want you to think I owe you anything.”
I stopped then, my words running out along with my breath. I felt shaky and tingly all over—regret, confusion, and frustration spinning tightly inside.
Ryan’s eyes had gone wide. He started to reach for one of my hands, but I stepped back quickly and curled both hands tightly around Barnable’s leash. As if holding onto that could save me.
Ryan closed his eyes, and his shoulders rose and fell with a breath. When he opened his eyes again, I could’ve sworn I saw regret and hurt flashing in the depths. I definitely saw determination because his jaw tightened, and he squared his shoulders.
“Addie, it’s not what you think. I was making that clear to someone I have no interest in. It’s not like that with you.”
Hope was beating tiny fists on the door of the closet where I’d locked it deep in my heart. I ignored it. “Ryan, you don’t need to make me promises you can’t keep. You can’t even understand how much this hits a sore spot for me. I wasn’t close to my father because he was never around. He was wealthy, and I was nothing more than an accident to him.” I closed my eyes and swallowed through the emotion clogging my throat. When I opened them again, I could see Ryan was listening intently, waiting for me to finish.
“My mother pined for him for years, and I was the little girl who always wondered where her father was. I eventually understood, and my mother finally stopped wishing for something that would never be. But I promised myself I was never going to fall for a man who didn’t want what I did. I don’t want you to make an exception for me. I won’t lie. The sex is incredible, and I almost tricked myself into thinking it meant something more. But it’s just sex.”
Ryan opened his mouth to say something, but I shook my head quickly. “Just let me go.”
I didn’t wait for his reply and turned away, walking swiftly with Barnable trotting at my side.
Chapter Thirty
Ryan
“Excuse me,” I snapped as I walked quickly away from a woman who approached me at a business function for investors in a real estate planning consortium.
Unfortunately, I’d made the mistake of deciding to attend this solo and was finding myself annoyed at being approached by women. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to invite anyone to accompany me. I missed Addie, and it felt like a betrayal to her.
Even though she’d cut me out. Just thinking about her was like a knife, its blade jagged, being dragged across the surface of my heart.
Striding to the bar, I ordered a scotch. I felt a presence beside me and glanced over to find Graham. “How’s it going?” he asked.
Graham’s question was perfectly normal and polite, but I could tell by the knowing look in his eyes that he sensed I was out of sorts. The bartender handed over my drink, and I passed across a twenty-dollar bill, telling him to keep the change.
After a quick gulp of the smooth scotch, I looked toward Graham again. “I’m fine. Yourself?”
“I’m well. I was expecting to see you with Addie tonight.”
Graham’s mention of Addie was another drag of that jagged knife blade across my aching heart. I took a breath and shrugged. After another gulp of my scotch, which I couldn’t even enjoy, I replied, “Addie and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
Graham’s eyes widened slightly. “Sorry to hear that. I liked her.”
At that moment, Soraya approached, stopping beside Graham and leaning up to press a kiss on his cheek. The love between them was an almost palpable force. Graham glanced down to her, his gaze softening immediately. I was confident he completely forgot where they were. He literally had eyes only for her.
“Hi, I wasn’t sure you were going
to make it.” He leaned down and caught her lips in a lingering kiss.
Soraya’s mouth curled into a smile when he drew back. As usual, she was stunning. With her dark hair swept up in an elegant knot, she wore a white dress that set off her gorgeous skin. Although Soraya wasn’t like Addie, she brought Addie to my thoughts instantly. Mostly because she wasn’t anything like the bland beauties who tended to run in business circles. Soraya was decidedly herself, with her strong personality and bold beauty.
“Of course I made it. Just running a little late.” She glanced my way. “Nice to see you, Ryan. Is Addie here tonight?”
Yet another drag of the knife across my heart. I’d honestly never understood the concept of heartbreak. I feared, in my case, it was going to be death by a thousand cuts. My heart was being shredded bit by bit since losing Addie.
Graham graciously answered for me, almost as if he sensed my pain. “Apparently, they’re not seeing each other anymore.” Graham’s gaze landed on mine. “You should know Soraya thought Addie may have the ability to steal your heart.”
Soraya’s eyes searched my face. I was discovering I didn’t like feeling vulnerable.
“I saw her the other day. I walked Blackie with her and her dog, and we had coffee.”
“Barnable,” I said, unable to keep from smiling at the thought of Addie’s dog.
“I told Addie about Tig,” Soraya said, looking toward Graham. “She wants to get her tattoo repaired.”
I actually had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from asking more. What Addie did was none of my damn business. I took another gulp of my scotch, draining the glass.
“Are you okay?” Soraya asked when she looked back at me.
Fuck it. Considering that I had absolutely no clue how to handle the situation with Addie, I figured I might as well ask. “Not really. I actually liked Addie. A lot. She thinks I’m a bad bet.”
Graham stayed quiet, but Soraya reached a hand out, gently squeezing my elbow. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought you two were good together. What happened?”
“Unfortunately, she overheard me when I got a call from Marla, you remember her?”
Graham rolled his eyes. “Oh yes. Marla, who’s always looking for a husband?”
“That’s the one. All Addie heard was me telling Marla I wasn’t interested in romance. Which is true when it comes to anyone other than Addie,” I said, my words coming out sharp. “Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck to do. I probably am a bad bet.”
“No, you’re not,” Soraya said firmly. “You just need to figure out how to fight for Addie.”
I rolled my head from side to side, trying to ease the tension bundling in my neck. “I have no fucking clue what to do.”
A sly smile curled Graham’s lips. “You should write to Ask Ida. She’s usually got pretty direct advice.”
Soraya laughed. “Maybe you should, you never know what she’ll say.”
Dear Ida,
I’ve never been interested in romance. In fact, I didn’t think I would ever fall in love. Turns out I was wrong. I met someone. She’s nothing like any woman I’ve ever met. Her dog was lost, and she was trying to break in my basement. That turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.
For a few weeks, I thought I had a chance. I don’t know what to do because she doesn’t think I’m worth it. There was a misunderstanding, and she thinks I don’t want anything serious. I’d do anything to get her back, but relationships aren’t exactly my thing. In fact, my experience in this category is a big fat zero. Any advice you could offer about how to convince her I’m worth it would be great.
Regards,
Clueless in New York
Chapter Thirty-One
Ryan
Ida, unfortunately, didn’t answer me immediately, and I felt like a fucking idiot after hitting send on that email. I’d been reduced to writing in to an advice column about my love life. Fuck my life.
After growing up in the long shadow cast by my parents’ cold and miserable marriage and dealing with the grief of my brother, it had seemed easy to decide I wasn’t interested in romance, or love. Right about now, it felt as if the universe was having a hearty laugh at my expense.
All this time, I’d thought my biggest challenge would be keeping it clear that I wasn’t interested in romance to all the women out there who were fortune hunters, or otherwise interested in the elaborate fantasy of happily ever after. If one single lesson had been burned into my brain like a brand made by ice, it was the lesson of my parents’ marriage. For years, I hadn’t believed love was even possible.
Apparently, the universe was here to show me how wrong I’d been. I was flat out in love with Adelaide Castille, and I couldn’t get her to answer a text or return a phone call. For a man accustomed to feeling in control, this was an uncomfortably novel situation for me. Feelings were messy, and I didn’t like it.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
In an effort to welcome any and all distractions, I accepted an invite from Graham to grab drinks one evening after work. Well, not after my work, because I’d once again resumed my ridiculous schedule of working during all of my waking hours.
Despite my best efforts at staying too distracted to think about Addie or dwell on the constant ache in my heart, my snide, cynical voice was ready and quick.
See, all these years, you convinced yourself you just loved work.
Fuck off, I mentally countered.
My snide voice was well-honed and reeled off another jab. The truth hurts, doesn’t it? All this time, you’ve been a master at avoiding everything and everyone who mattered.
My repertoire of retorts was limited. Fuck off. My quieter voice was a little louder this time.
All I got in return for this mental series of volleys was a sly laugh.
When I stepped out of my office building, after casting a glare over at the office of the attorney who’d been an ass to Addie, snow was falling lightly. My mind instantly conjured an image of Addie’s eyes wide with wonder as she looked up when snow started falling from the sky a few weeks ago.
With it being dark tonight, the fluffy snowflakes glittered under the streetlights, melting as they met the pavement and concrete. I walked briskly to the bar where Graham had asked me to meet him. It was a rather exclusive place.
Shouldering through the door, I didn’t even have to flash my ID to get in. People mostly knew who I was around here. Graham lifted his hand from where he sat at a small round table in the corner by the windows. My footsteps were muted on the carpet as I crossed the room to where he was.
I slipped into the chair directly across from him. “Hi there,” I said as I shrugged out of my jacket and let it fall over the back of my chair.
“How’s it going?” Graham asked. He nodded toward a glass of scotch already on the table in front of me. “I took the liberty of ordering your preferred scotch.”
“Thank you.” I lifted the scotch with one hand as I smoothed my other hand over my hair, which was damp from the snow falling outside.
Graham was quiet as I took several swallows of my drink. After I set my glass down, he asked, “Hungry?”
I shrugged. I was hungry in the technical sense of probably needing food for sustenance. But I’d had hardly any appetite over the last few days. I missed Addie, and the feeling ran to my bones. Nothing felt right. I couldn’t even believe my emotional state was affecting my physical state. Yet, I couldn’t deny it, not even to myself. “Might as well eat.”
Graham lifted his hand, catching the attention of a waiter. After the waiter swung by our table and took our orders, Graham cocked his head to the side as he studied me.
“You look fucking miserable,” he observed.
I rolled my eyes. “Why the hell do you say that?” I heard a hint of defensiveness in my tone and was almost shocked. I was prone to not giving a fuck what anybody thought. Yet, Graham was so spot on it was like another sharp slice to the heart where it hurt the most.
I took a deep
breath and closed my eyes as I let it out. I didn’t need to be an ass to Graham. He was actually a friend. I was relieved to see the waiter approaching when I opened my eyes. I drained the last bit of my scotch and handed him my empty glass as he sat down two fresh drinks.
“Thank you,” Graham said as the waiter spun away.
Graham was patient enough to wait me out because he knew me that well. After a swallow of my scotch and another deep breath, I inclined my head. “Apologies. I’m being an ass.”
“Hazel mentioned you’ve been irritable when I called earlier. That’s what prompted my invite to drinks. I wasn’t sure you’d take me up on it.” A smile teased at the corners of his mouth as he regarded me.
“I’m sure I haven’t been at my best at the office. It’s Addie. She dumped me,” I said flatly, a sense of relief rolling through me at simply being direct with my friend.
“Yeah, you mentioned that the other night.” I was so unsettled with missing Addie, I barely recalled telling Graham and Soraya we weren’t seeing each other anymore. “I didn’t know you were getting serious about her. I thought you were, but I wasn’t sure,” Graham said slowly.
“I don’t know if we were either, but it doesn’t matter now. She doesn’t consider me a good bet.”
Graham lifted his glass, watching the light glint off the rich amber liquid as he swirled the glass in his palm. He met my eyes, understanding flickering in his. “Love isn’t a bet, Ryan.” He rarely spoke of it, but he’d been burned badly by his ex who screwed around on him with his best friend. What he’d found with Soraya had surprised him as much as those who knew him and the bitterness he’d carried over that old betrayal.
I stared at him. “I don’t suppose it is.” I chuckled softly, laughing at myself.
Graham was quiet for several beats before he shrugged lightly. “I could’ve missed my chance with Soraya if I’d let my past get in the way. What do you mean Addie thinks you’re a bad bet? Is that what she said?”
