by Jolene Perry
Love you, Dad
His few words bring last night crashing down on me, and the weight of the memories settles on my shoulders.
Who would I talk to? What would I say? Anyone who doesn’t know Shawn would just misunderstand. It’s temporary. He didn’t used to be so intense. He’ll mellow back out.
I stand in the bathroom, taking off my clothes from yesterday and of course I’m missing my underwear. The idea of it snaps something inside me. Last night was real. Shawn pushing me was real.
I spend a ridiculous amount of time in a hot shower and find my favorite t-shirt dress to wear to school. Last night is over. I’m okay. Everything’s okay. I need school. I need normal. I can’t even think about what would have happened if Luke hadn’t shown up.
That thought needs to be shaken off. It’s too big. Too much to think about.
My sandals squeak on the wood floors of the hallway as I make my way to the kitchen for breakfast. Right now I just hope my parents are gone for the day.
“I heard what happened at Shawn’s,” Mom says as I step into the kitchen.
My legs buckle, and I lean against the counter for support as my insides begin to break apart. Luke? It has to be. Shakiness is replaced by anger. He had no right. I’m going to kill him. I shove off the counter, my jaw tight.
“You could have told us, honey.” She clutches her mug as if it’ll hold her to the table—anchor her somehow.
I close my eyes, but that doesn’t help me block out the memory. I rub my hand over my face as if the friction or pressure will somehow make me feel normal again—rub away the anger and disbelief.
“If you need to take a day off of school, I understand.”
My cheeks redden. “I don’t need a day from school.” And I’m not sure why I’m fighting this.
“Well, Ronnie. Shawn’s been through a lot.” Mom’s voice is laced with impatience.
What? Shawn?
“With Diane kicking out his dad and everything. It’s so unexpected.” Her knuckles are white and I wonder if she’ll break her cup.
My eyes find Mom’s. And I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I have to hide my shock, because right now my parents think my freak out last night was for Shawn’s parents, not for myself. That’s way better. And his parent’s split? No wonder he was so crazy last night.
I bet he knew over Thanksgiving…and all I could think about was some time alone. He needed me, and I was trying to get away. Now guilt starts to ease into my chest, and if any more emotions hit me this hard today, I’m bound to explode.
I have to clear my throat twice before I find my voice. “Yeah.”
“He might really need you, honey. If you need to stay over there instead of school, it’s okay.” She’s still clutching her coffee cup with both hands.
How do I tell her I need school? Distance, even though it seems completely selfish of me. “We talked. I’m going to school.” I turn and walk out of the house before she can say anything else.
My mind is reeling. No wonder Shawn was so wasted. Why didn’t he just say? Maybe I could have handled something better? Different? Anyone would snap under that much stress. Poor Shawn. And once again, I feel like I’m abandoning him by going to school. I have no idea what to do because after last night, the last thing I want to do is see or talk to him—at least not for a while.
And there’s no way for me to even consider the long-term implications of me not wanting to be around Shawn. That’s shattering. Just, for right now, I need some space. That doesn’t mean we’d have to be over. Final. My heart’s starting to swirl as much as my head and my emotions are as lost as my thoughts.
~ 13 ~
I WAS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD…
…when Shawn moved back into town. It happened over Christmas break. Mom kept going on and on about some big surprise. Nothing I could know about. I knew my brother Ben wasn’t the surprise because he was already back from school. And anyway, he wouldn’t really be considered a surprise.
Shawn stepped into my room just before I turned out the lights the day after Christmas. His shoulders were way broader than the guy I’d kissed over the summer, and his voice was a guy’s voice. Not a boy’s voice. The soft lowness of it vibrated through me when he spoke.
“Good surprise?” A corner of his mouth pulled up.
“Great surprise.” My arms went around him and that was the first time I’d ever kissed a guy on my bed.
It went in the book.
I heard my parents arguing about how much time to give us before Dad came to check on us. Shawn chuckled between kisses.
He gave me my first real gift from him that night. The bracelet I still wear. The one with the small coin with Shawn on one side and Ronnie on the other. Part of me always fantasized on wearing that bracelet forever – through college, at our wedding. Kid fantasies maybe, but they always felt real to me. I’d known him for too long to think of him as anything less than a forever thing.
~ ~ ~
Luke steps behind me in the hallway at school. “What are you doing here?” he whispers.
“Going to class?” I tease without pausing. Today my plan is to keep everyone at a distance.
“Have you told anyone?” Our eyes don’t meet. We’re walking side by side, and we both know exactly what he’s talking about.
“What?” Play innocent, right?
“That answers my question.” He glances away and then back at me, his jaw tightens briefly in what I assume is irritation. “Ronnie you have to talk to someone. We can talk, or go to the school nurse, she’d actually know stuff, you know? Tell your parents. This can’t keep happening.”
“It won’t.” And I’ve just thought of the reason why. “With his parents separated, their house will be a lot less tense. It’ll be okay.” It has to be okay.
“This is killing me.” He stops and like a moron, I stop next to him. “Are you honestly staying with him after last night?”
“I . . .” But I’m not sure how to answer. I don’t know. How can I not know when we’re talking about Shawn? “He was drunk, Luke. His mom just kicked out his dad…”
“You promised.” Luke’s face is inches from mine, and I swear his brown eyes see straight into me.
He has to know everything now—how I love Shawn, but don’t know what to do with what happened last night and maybe, maybe he even knows how he’s been confusing me.
“You said that if anything else happened, you’d walk away. I’ve been going crazy for you, worried about you.” He pulls in a breath. “It was awful to just watch you walk out last night, knowing the best thing I could do was keep him busy.”
“This is different.” I shake my head. Even Luke, Shawn’s best friend, doesn’t understand.
“His dad was arrested this morning. His mom’s been keeping photos. It’s bad.” His warm breath hits my face as he speaks.
My stomach shrinks and I can barely breathe. It’s so dramatic. Does that make me feel better about Shawn or worse? Everything’s too mixed up for me to know right now.
“He’s never hit me, Luke.” And yes, even I know what I’m saying is pathetic.
“But you’ve worn long-sleeves to cover what he’s done.” His fingers slide down my arm sending shivers through my body.
I don’t speak. Instead my eyes stare at the grey carpet. It’s just that Shawn and I are different from other people who argue. I’m not the girl Luke thinks I am. I’m not some kind of pathetic victim. I’m trying to help Shawn and I stay together.
“Ronnie, I saw your panties on the floor. Did you take them off, or did he?” His voice is quiet, but his words scream, piercing my chest, my head, and dig in way too deep.
I spin and walk away—heart breaking, scattering. And tears sliding down my cheeks.
I skip play practice. They can work on fight scenes or something today, but Ronnie/Juliet doesn’t have it in her to stand that close to Luke.
LUKE
It’s like she’s dragging part of my insides with h
er as she walks away.
How can this be happening? How can she even consider staying with him?
I could see it in her eyes that her panties being off wasn’t her idea. I slam my palm into the locker in front of me before pushing away and walking up the hall.
There’s no way to force her to let me in. To let me protect her.
I’ve never been so damn helpless in my whole life.
But one thing is for sure. Me and Shawn are not friends. Not even close.
~ ~ ~
RONNIE
Mom accosts me the second I step in the house. After spending most of the school day wandering around town. “Did you know what was happening between his parents?”
“No.” Even though part of me suspected after hearing them yell in his house. At the very least, I wasn’t as surprised as I should have been when I heard.
“I’m shocked.” Mom shakes her head. “Diane never breathed a word. The only thing she’s ever said about him is to make a comment about him being particular, or having a bad week. We all have bad weeks.”
I give her a quick hug, and start toward my room. “I have homework.”
This whole mess brings out too much. Did Shawn’s dad start out like he did? Just getting frustrated. Then holding his mom. Making sure she knew he was serious.
How did I find myself here? My phone rings.
SHAWN.
I answer, but don’t speak.
“I didn’t think you’d want to see me after yesterday,” he says.
“I…” but that’s all I have. Words won’t come. Not yet.
“It’s fine, Ronnie. I wouldn’t have wanted to see me either. I’m sorry. I’m guessing you know everything.” His voice is tired, depressed, low.
There’s a part of me that wants to hang up, but when he’s finally coming to me with something real… I can’t say no.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” It would have explained so much, shown so much.
“It’s just not…I don’t know.” His voice is so quiet that I can barely make out the words over the phone.
“You know I love you and that I want to know about your life, right?” This morning, I wasn’t sure when or how I’d talk to Shawn again. But with his admission, it’s opened something new between us.
The sadness in his voice touches me in a familiar place of wanting us. But his voice also reminds me of our night last night. We’re up to four incidents now. Four. This is some big sign for me to run, but he’s not just my boyfriend, he’s my childhood friend. It feels too cruel to desert him now—at least not completely.
“Yeah.” He lets out a long breath. “I’m going to give you some time. Mom wants out of town for a few days. I just…I need you to forgive me, Ronnie. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” And his words are honest, and the feeling behind them is honest, and why does this all have to be so hard?
“Love you, Shawn. Don’t be afraid to call, okay?” And now I’m mumbling out the words, which really isn’t fair because of all the times he’s needed me, this is probably when he’s needed me most. I feel like I’m letting him down because I’m not being more persistent or forcing him to do or say anything. But I just don’t have it in me.
We sit in silence until I hang up the phone.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could walk away, but love means more than just giving up when things aren’t perfect.
I jump when my phone rings. LUKE.
My heart sprints. What do I do? I do nothing and then get a text.
LUKE: Missed you at practice. Just let me know you’re ok.
I don’t know if it’s sweet or frustrating that he’s worried about me like this.
I type back that I'm okay and hit send, even though I’m pretty far from okay.
~ ~ ~
“Did you two talk?” Luke asks the minute he sees me in the hall.
“Yep.” But I know Luke won’t stop with this. He’ll want to know more. Luke stops too close, my back against the wall.
This is my friend. The guy I know better than probably anyone. Better than Shawn even, but maybe only because Shawn couldn’t share with me. The familiar smell of sandalwood and coconut helps my body relax, even though we shouldn’t be this close. But now I also don’t know if I want him to step away.
There’s this delightful dancing, tingling in my stomach that I love. There’s no way for me to feel more messed up if I tried. Luke. Shawn. Familiar. Love. Fear. Betrayal. All of those words fit both of them, and swirl around in my head leaving me beyond confused.
“Please tell me you walked away from him.”
“I can’t.” I shake my head. “Not right now. Not with everything he has going on.”
“He’s an asshole, Ronnie. How can you even think about being with someone like that?” His face is wrinkled in confusion, and his voice is a harsh whisper. “You’re so much smarter than this.”
“If you think he’s such a jerk, why are you still friends with him?” I cross my arms, clutching my book to my chest. Our eyes meet. Now I have him.
“Because.” He lets out a sigh and I know there’s something hanging between us. No more guessing. His face comes closer to mine. His eyes are soft.
Like a moron, I breathe in again, sending another wave of tingling through my body.
“Because you are.”
It’s all crashing in. All the extra looks, divided attention with his girlfriends, watching out for me with Shawn…
“When he came back into town last year, I realized that you two were as close as you’d said. I knew the only way to keep being friends with you was to be friends with him.”
No, no, no. This is not good. Me feeling a little more toward Luke than what I should is okay, it’s temporary, from the play. Him feeling for me… Wait. “But you date.”
“And how long does it last?” His eyes. They won’t let me go, they hold me to this spot, to his face.
“I didn’t know…” but you did know, Ronnie, and you let it happen.
“I hide it well.” His eyes dart around for a moment before finding mine once again.
I shake my head. “You know I can’t.” Shawn and I belong together. It’s why I’m with him and why we work together, why I deal with so much of what I do. Because part of me still wants him forever, and I know this weirdness from him won’t last. Can’t.
“Not now, no.” And that hopeful look is back. “Because you feel guilt over things that aren’t your fault. But maybe soon.”
“He’s it for me, Luke.”
Luke’s face falls. “He can’t be. It can’t be possible for someone like him to get someone like you.”
If he only knew how bad I screw things up. Like how I say the wrong things, like giving Shawn a hard time for making me sneak out. Or how I wear my stupid shoes, even though I love him, and even though it makes him uncomfortable. How I should be way more understanding of his faults. “No. Trust me, Luke.” I start to turn away, but stop when he leans even further towards me.
“I don’t believe in one person for one person. It doesn’t make any sense. When you’re in love, when you feel it in your chest and it takes you over—it feels like you’re part of something like that, and it should. But it’s not real. You can be happy without him. You can be happy with someone else. He’s not the only one for you.”
His words fold upon me, tightening something inside me and I don’t know if it’s good or bad or how it might sway me, but his words are changing. I just need to figure out if I can change, or if I want to.
“Be careful.” He leans forward, rests his hand on my face, and his lips touch my cheek. His simple gesture sends shivers through my body, swirling around the uncertainties that already cloud my thoughts.
I’m frozen to the spot for a moment. “I know how to deal with Shawn. I’m okay.” But I know nothing right now. With the new something I do know, I know nothing.
“You know how to deal with him. That again?” His voice is harder now. “Don’t you think the relati
onship should be a little more two-sided?” He lets his hand fall from my face and the loss of him is harsh, cold.
I start to move away again. Luke can’t be awkward. I can’t lose him like that. “I gotta go.” But part of me doesn’t want to move from this spot. He likes me, and not just a little bit. Should it make a difference? It’s not like I’d be alone if Shawn and I…split.
Split. Way too final.
He runs a hand through his soft blond hair. “I feel helpless to protect you, Ronnie.”
My heart jumps, but I push out a laugh. “I don’t need protection.”
And it’s all over his face. He doesn’t believe me.
And right now, even with Shawn out of town, I don’t believe me either.
~ 14 ~
I WAS FOURTEEN…
…when Luke’s dad walked out. With my dad being a therapist I knew bad things happened to kids and families all the time, but when it happened to Luke, it felt different. Luke’s like me—the youngest. His older brothers were already gone from home. He was the tail end of his family and even though he never said it out loud, I knew that he often felt like a mistake, an afterthought.
“My dad doesn’t want me anymore,” he said.
“It’s your parents, Luke. Not you.” We sat in my backyard next to my pool.
“But he’s choosing to live a life that doesn’t include me. That means he’s choosing to leave me.” His feet created a boiling surface on the water.
And I couldn’t really argue with that logic. I rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“I’ll be okay.” He said it in his most ‘no-big-deal’ relaxed voice, but I knew him better than that.
“Chocolate popcorn?” I asked.
“And a really bad movie we can make fun of?” The beginnings of a smile started to play at the corners of his mouth.
“I’ll start the food.” I stood up.
“I’ll start the movie.” And that was the beginning of Luke and Ronnie’s movie marathon days.
Even at the worst of his partying and never being home and late night phone calls from his mom to my mom, he’d still sometimes take a movie day with me. Normally it was on a day he was suspended and would call in a low voice to excuse me from school, but we still made it happen. Because sometimes all we need is somebody to sit in silence with.
