by Jolene Perry
I smile wide at Shawn. Will he ever know what I chose him over? How important he is to me, for me to give up anyone and everyone for him…even Luke?
His hand reaches out and takes mine, tightly. My stomach sinks.
“Ready?” His smile is forced.
I step in beside him, still in my white dress from the play. My fingers start to ache from his grip. “Softer, please,” I whisper.
His hand relaxes. “That was…”
Light voice, relaxed voice…“Was it totally weird for you?”
“You two were really good. It was beyond weird.” He shakes his head.
“You know I love you, right?” I reach my hand across my body and take his arm.
Shawn takes a deep breath, but I can tell he’s struggling to stay calm. At least he’s working on it, that’s good.
Why am I here with him when I could be inside with Luke?
The thought of Luke standing alone in the hallway, calling out after me, burns my eyes with fresh tears, but I suck in a breath, suck them away. Gone. Done. Over.
“Mom’s still gone. I thought you could come to my house and celebrate with me?”
I squeeze his hand. I’m not sure what he has in mind, but it doesn’t much matter right now. Right now I just want to make sure we’re happy.
As we drive to his house in his mother’s car, his smile becomes more genuine. I kiss his neck, his cheek, his lips, anything I can think of to put myself in this moment with him. He chuckles and makes a show of leaning away so he can drive.
My heart splits. Divides.
Where’s Luke right now? What’s he thinking? Does he feel as ripped apart as I do? No. No one’s holding the other half of him. I can’t think about how much I might have hurt him when I walked, no, ran, away. Did I do the right thing?
“You still here?” Shawn teases.
“Yeah.” But when I look up we’re parked in his driveway and the car is off. I have no idea when we got here.
“Are you hungry? Do you want to go inside and eat? Swim in the backyard?”
“Can we walk?” I ask.
“Walk.” His voice tells me it’s probably last thing on his list.
“I love this dress, and I’m not ready to take it off.” Which is true. The thought of bringing part of the passion I felt as Juliet between Shawn and I sounds perfect. Maybe keeping the dress on will help.
He climbs out, runs around the front of the car and opens my door. His hand reaches in and I take it to stand.
“Does that mean,” He leans in close and whispers. “That you might want to take it off later?”
My heart begins to pound hard and fast in my chest. This is decision point, right? Shawn’s my choice. I love him. I want him forever. Our eyes meet, and I’m still so undecided. Why am I still so undecided? About everything? “Maybe.”
His lips touch mine softly. Shawn is all sweetness, and what kind of horrible person am I that I’m comparing my kiss with him to my earlier kiss with Luke? It’s like claws are digging into me, into my chest, into my gut, making me question how I feel for everyone and about everything.
We walk together, my dress swishing around my ankles and flying out around me. The whiteness of the fabric glows in the faint light.
“Park?” he asks.
“Love to.” We take a shortcut between four small homes leading to the wide expanse of grass and trees.
My smile starts to spread. I feel some of the lightness I felt as Juliet, simply falling. This is what I want with Shawn.
“Come on!” I pull his hand and we start running. It feels amazing, his hand in mine, my dress floating around me. It’s like we’re running away from everything trying to keep us from being happy. Away from Luke, from Shawn’s dad, from Shawn’s anger, from my uncertainty.
I stop under a huge tree with branches forming a haven of leaves around us. Still breathless from our run, I kiss him. Hard. Deep. I only breathe when I have to. I take the passion from the play and turn it on Shawn. I want to feel like I’ve escaped the world with my true Romeo.
“Ronnie, I love you so much.” His hands hold my sides, lay flat across my lower back, bringing our hips together.
We’re suddenly on the ground, his weight on me, his hands on me. Our fingers slide together as our tongues meet and he pushes our hands between his legs, making sure I feel him the way he wants me to. Ready for more.
“I need you, Ronnie.”
“Here?” I push my hands to the ground and scoot out from underneath him.
“No one’s here.” His hand slides up my calf, up the inside of my thigh, stealing my breath.
“Let’s go home, okay?” I try to laugh it off, but he pushes forward, his mouth hard on me again.
“You have to give me something, Ronnie. Something you didn’t give to him.” He spits out the word. He’s kissing my neck so hard I can’t tell if he’s kissing me or biting me, and fear grips my stomach. Hard. Tight. I need away.
“Please, Ronnie. I don’t want to lose you. I want you. I want to have you…”
The tinges of desperation in his voice quakes me. This isn’t right. Something isn’t right.
I start to sit up, but he pushes me back down.
“Stop.” My heart’s splitting, shaking.
“Ronnie! Dammit!”
“Who are you?” I back up as fast as I can and stand up. My eyes scan from his head to his feet.
Who is this guy? He isn’t the one I fell in love with. Not like this. It’s crazy that I didn’t see it the first time he grabbed me. Only…I did see it, sort of. It’s that I never gave it a chance to sink in. I spin and walk out from under the tree.
“I knew it. You stupid whore!” His steps are hard on the ground behind me. “You probably slept with him for your stupid play!”
I spin around and slap him as hard as I can. My palm burns with the force of it and his expression turns black. I lose all the air from my lungs. It was not the thing to do. Like a flash of lightning he grips my wrist, wrenching my arm practically out of the socket.
I hear yelling, but I don’t know where or who it’s from. I’m not going to let him hurt me again, not without a fight. My body is pulled against him, twists and jerks. How is he so strong?
“Don’t touch her!” Luke’s suddenly on top of Shawn and I’m free.
My eyes break from their wrestling forms just long enough to see half our cast, most still in costume, staring wide-eyed at the scene.
“Stop! Stop!” I shriek. They’re a tangled mess of tall Luke and strong Shawn and…this can’t be happening!
Curtis, Benvolio, Mercutio, Paris and the rest of the guys from the cast grab arms, legs, whatever they can get a hold of and rip them apart.
Shawn shakes them off, his eyes still hard on me. “How could you…?” he spits out. His head shakes. “When you knew what I had going on?” His arms jerk away from the last two guys holding him.
My hands clutch my elbows and all I want is to catch my breath. I just need air. Air my trembling body can’t find.
“Come on.” Shawn holds his hand out for me. “Let’s go home.”
I don’t have to look at Luke to know he’s looking at me.
I shake my head. I can’t go with Shawn. Not after this.
“What?” He steps closer to me and Luke tenses.
“I’m not going with you.” My voice is whispery, shaking, not my voice. Julie’s arm comes around me.
There are five guys here protecting me from Shawn. Five. He knows he can’t beat that. I know he can’t beat that, but the nearness of him keeps me weak with fear.
For a second I think Shawn’s going to jump at me, but instead he swings, landing a punch squarely on Luke’s jaw.
A scream escapes my throat. Shawn turns and walks away.
“Stop!” Luke yells at the guys who start after him. “Let him go.” He leans over, holding his jaw, eyes clenched tight.
“What an asshole.” Curtis breathes out.
I sit. There’s nothing
else to do. My legs don’t want to carry me anymore. The dew from the grass soaks my dress. I’m sure it’s ruined after this mess.
Julie sits next to me, close enough that our arms touch. Luke sits on the other side.
“You’re bleeding.” I reach out and touch the corner of his mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
He rubs the back of his hand across his lips. “We all just ended up here after the play. If we hadn’t…” His eyes scan my body. “Are you hurt?”
I look down, which is silly. My gorgeous dress is torn up the front, and I finger the raw edges. This is exactly how I feel. “No.” I’m not hurt in a way I can describe. Not now. I bring my hand up to move the hair off my face, and my wrist is sore, bruised probably. “Maybe my wrist.” I hold it for a second to survey the damage.
“Kind of his favorite spot, huh?” Luke’s jaw flexes.
Julie’s eyes widen. Fortunately the rest of the guys are breathing out their adrenaline.
“I guess.” Now I just feel stupid, humiliated, for letting all this happen. “I want my house.”
Luke jumps up. “I’ll take you.”
I stand, weak. Everything, every feeling inside me is a confused mess of wounded emotion. I don’t know if it’s love, sorrow, pain, sadness, heartbreak— they all swirl together leaving me dizzy and confused.
Shawn’s walked away. I wanted him to walk away. I’m not sure when he became someone I don’t know, and I don’t know completely why or how it happened, but I can’t be a part of it anymore.
Luke. His eyes are on me. Expectant. Because really, what normal girl would stay with someone after this? The guilt of how I’ve let myself fall for him hollows me out, leaves me feeling like the person Shawn says I am. I didn’t mean to turn into this awful girl.
A lead weight settles in my stomach. I glance around to see that our group has conglomerated around the jungle gym, leaving me and Luke standing mostly alone. Trying to give us space.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” I shake my head. “You taking me home.” If I think my guilt factor is huge now, what would happen if I made out with Romeo? Shawn and Luke all in the same night?
“You can’t walk home alone, Ronnie. Not after that.”
My gut sinks. What will everyone say about what happened here?
“Okay.” Because what choice do I have, really?
We walk towards the parking lot, my arms wrap around my middle, holding me together.
All I want right now is for someone to suck all these bad thoughts and feelings out and leave me with whatever the right thing to do is. Probably no way to do that. Maybe I’ll make it my new wish. My one thing for the notebook.
DO THE RIGHT THING. But what is the right thing?
I climb into the passenger’s side of his car, remaining silent. My knees pull up to my chest and I wrap my arms around them. I hope that Shawn doesn’t see Luke drive me home. He doesn’t need to be hurt any worse.
There are no words for Luke, not right now. The drive to my house is over in what feels like seconds, and I still have no words. I’m too tired. I push the door open and step out.
“Wait, Ronnie.” He stands and stares at me over the car. “I need to talk to you.”
“I got nothing left, Luke. Not right now.” My arms hang to my sides in defeat.
“But this is it, right? I mean, this is like, chance number 4 or 5 that he just blew?” Luke comes around the front of the car. And as half my body is screaming for him to run away, the other half is screaming for him to take me in his arms and never let me go. Kidnap me and run away to the coast.
“I started it.” I’m the one that let Shawn believe we’d go further, do more. He can only be expected to take so much.
“What?” His jaw drops.
“Under the tree, I started it.” Why would Luke want me? I’ve proven myself to be a miserable human being.
“Yeah, and he did a hell of a job of finishing it, didn’t he?” His voice is quiet, but hard, serious.
I press my fingers to my forehead and squish my eyes shut. “Everything’s a blurry mess right now.” And like a lunatic, I let my eyes find his. He hits my chest like Shawn hasn’t since we were little—only I’m not little anymore so it hits me even harder.
“What would have happened if we didn’t decide to hang there tonight? What if no one was there?” he asks.
I’ve just been punched. What am I doing? I open my mouth to speak but, again, have no words.
“Ronnie!” His face is desperate. “I’m crazy in love with you! I love you so much that I can’t even imagine myself with anyone else! And you’re giving chances to a guy who will never be the kid you fell in love with! That guy is gone, and the one who took his place deserves no part of you!”
I stand in my driveway. My dress is heavy with dirt and my shoulders slump, but my arms still clutch my sides, fold in front of me, holding me together. My heart is split in so many directions I can’t function, can’t think.
Tonight is the final slap I needed to let him go, but it’s still all too much to think about. Too much to feel right now.
His face softens. “You kissed me. I mean, we kissed. Please tell me you meant it. That’s all I need.”
Instead of words, I get tears. I did mean to kiss him and I want to tell him that. But I can’t. To fall into Luke’s arms would be like saying, “Yes, I’m a horrible girl who loved two guys at once. I broke one, and then went after the other.”
There’s no way I can walk away from Shawn for Luke. Even if I knew for certain that’s what my heart wanted, it just wouldn’t work. There would be too much between Luke and I, too much guilt and too much heaviness.
I watch as the weight of whatever’s in my heart and on my face hits him. It breaks me further.
He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He starts to turn around two or three times before getting back in his car and driving away.
“I did mean to kiss you,” I finally let myself say. Even my quiet whisper feels like a screaming confirmation of what a horrible person I’ve become.
Never in my life have I been this alone. Ever. And I want to feel Luke’s arms around me more than anything I can think of, but I can’t trade one for the other. I just can’t.
LUKE
I’m crying. Like all the adrenaline from saving one of my friends from another of my friends… Having Ronnie… I can’t even think of the word for what she did to me.
I stood there, gave her everything. My heart. What I wanted. Love. And she just…stared at me. I can’t do this.
The second I get home I’m in the backyard. I strip down to my boxers and dive into the pool. I’m sure I’m getting mud from the ground and blood in the water, but I’m too hurt and pissed and tired to care.
The back porch light flips on, and I see Mom pull back a curtain before sliding the back door open.
“Ready to spill?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I say. And I’m about to ask Mom for something I never thought I’d ask. I can’t stay and watch this play out. I can’t.
~ 18 ~
I don’t know how to function today. Last night still seems too crazy to be real. The torn, stained, white dress is in a pile on my floor. As I stand up from my bed, I catch my reflection. My face is even paler than normal. There are dark circles under my eyes. My wrist is purple.
It still doesn’t feel like it can be my life, and only half of me knows how I got here. I’m in worse shape than the ruined dress.
I lean against the kitchen counter having no idea what brought me here. When I give up, I step into the living room, lie on the couch, and flip through endless channels.
Another long-sleeved t-shirt covers my wrist. Everyone’s used to them now. Because I’ve been hiding bruises.
The sick feeling in my gut won’t go away, won’t let me think; it holds me prisoner in my running thoughts. After making Shawn walk home alone, and standing like a moron while Luke poured his heart out to me, there’s just nothing left to feel but a dul
l ache.
My thumb hits the channel button over and over, my brain not even registering what’s on the screen.
“Ronnie,” Dad says. “I’m really worried about you.”
I jump, not realizing he’s in the room. “Just stress, Dad.” I flick to another channel. “No big deal.”
But my heart’s breaking because no matter what I do, or did, or will do, someone’s going to be hurt. Actually, we all probably hurt right now because of me. I’m already in pieces and I still don’t know what to do for myself, or for Luke, or for Shawn.
“Your mom thought about inviting Diane and Shawn to the coast, would that help?” he asks.
No. No, that won’t help at all. “Could I crash with Mindy for a couple days?” I ask.
A long pause. An eternity while Dad’s eyes take in mine, my face, the way I’m sitting.
“If it’s okay with her parents, I don’t see why not.”
Instead of saying thank you, I lean over and grab my dad in the kind of hug I haven’t given him in a long time.
“Please call if you need anything, okay?” he whispers. “I’m really worried about you, Ronnie.”
“I’ll be okay.” But I’m only saying these words to appease him, not because I believe them to be true.
~ ~ ~
“Oh, my gosh, you were amazing!” Mindy’s arms hug me tight as she jumps onto her porch to greet me. “Are you sad it’s over?”
I burst into tears.
What’s over? The play? Shawn? The light in Luke’s eyes when he looked at me? Or maybe it’s the new beginnings that have me screwed simply because I have no idea what any of them are.
She grabs my hand and drags me to her room where we sit together on the floor. I tell her how I feel for Luke, even though I didn’t mean to fall for him, and how I tried to blame it on the play. But it really wasn’t the play. It was all me.
I tell her about Shawn and everything he went through and how I’m the worst, most horrible person in the world because I have to split things off with him. And if I don’t I might lose Luke forever, and if I do, I’ll lose Shawn forever. But how can I even think about being with Shawn when he keeps treating me the way he does? That’s insane! And I don’t know him, and we haven’t talked, and I’m not sure I want to or that I have it in me.
