Dawn x-1

by Butler, Octavia

  She had bent her body almost in thirds, arms clasped around doubled knees, head resting on knees. Her body shook with humorless laughter. He had awakened her one night, seemingly out of the blue and asked her if he might come to bed with her. She had had all she could do to stop herself from grabbing him and pulling him in.

  But they had not talked about their feelings until now. Everyone knew. Everyone knew everything. She knew, for instance, that people said he slept with her to get special privileges or to escape their prison. Certainly, he was not someone she would have noticed on prewar Earth. And he would not have noticed her. But here, there had been a pull between them from the moment he Awoke, intense, inescapable, acted upon, and now, spoken.

  "I'll Awaken ten people as you said," she told him finally. "It seems a good number. It will occupy everyone I would dare to trust to look after a newly Awakened person. As for the others. . . I don't want them free to wander around and cause trouble or get together and cause trouble. I'll double them with you, Tate, Leah, and me."

  "Leah?" he said.

  "Leah's all right. Surly, moody, stubborn. And hardworking, loyal, and hard to scare. I like her."

  "I think she likes you," he said. "That surprises me. I would have expected her to resent you."

  Behind him, the wall began to open.

  Lilith froze, then sighed and deliberately stared at the floor. When she looked up again, seeming to look at Joseph, she could see Nikanj coming through the opening.

  6

  She moved over beside Joseph who, leaning against the bed platform, had noticed nothing. She took his hand, held it for a moment between her own, wondering if she were about to lose him. Would he stay with her after tonight? Would he speak to her tomorrow beyond absolute necessity? Would he join her enemies, confirming to them things they only suspected now? What the hell did Nikanj want anyway? Why couldn't it stay out as it had said it would. There: She had finally caught it in a lie. She would not forgive it if that lie destroyed Joseph's feelings for her.

  "What is it?" Joseph was saying as Nikanj strode across the room in utter silence and sealed the doorway.

  "For God knows what reason, the Oankali have decided to give you a preview," she said softly, bitterly. "You aren't in any physical danger. You won't be hurt." Let Nikanj make a lie of that and she would force it to put her back into suspended animation.

  Joseph looked around sharply, froze when he saw Nikanj. After a moment of what Lilith suspected was absolute terror, he jerked himself to his feet and stumbled back against the wall, cornering himself between the wall and the bed platform.

  "What is it!" Lilith demanded in Oankali. She stood to face Nikanj. "Why are you here?"

  Nikanj spoke in English. "So that he could endure his fear now, privately, and be of help to you later."

  A moment after hearing the quiet, androgenous, human sounding voice speak in English, Joseph came out of his corner. He moved to Lilith's side, stood staring at Nikanj. He was trembling visibly. He said something in Chinese- the first time Lilith had heard him speak the language--then somehow, stilled his trembling. He looked at her.

  "You know this one?"

  "Kaalnikanjl oo Jdahyatediinkahguyaht aj Dinso," she said, staring at Nikanj's sensory arms, remembering how much more human it had looked without them. "Nikanj," she said when she saw Joseph frowning.

  "I didn't believe," he said softly. "I couldn't, even though you said it."

  She did not know what to say. He was handling the situation better than she had. Of course he had been warned and he was not being kept isolated from other humans. Still, he was doing well. He was as adaptable as she had suspected.

  Moving slowly, Nikanj reached the bed and boosted itself up with one hand, folding its legs under it as it settled. Its head tentacles focused sharply on Joseph. "There's no hurry," it said. "We'll talk for a while. If you're hungry, I'll get you something."

  "I'm not hungry," Joseph said. "Others may be, though."

  "They must wait. They should spend a little time waiting for Lilith, understanding that they're helpless without her."

  "They're just as helpless with me," Lilith said softly. "You've made them dependent on me. They may not be able to forgive me for that."

  "Become their leader, and there'll be nothing to forgive." Joseph looked at her as though Nikanj had finally said something to distract him from the strangeness of its body. "Joe," she said, "it doesn't mean leader. It means Judas goat."

  "You can make their lives easier," Nikanj said. "You can help them accept what is to happen to them. But whether you lead them or not, you can't prevent it. It would happen even if you died. If you lead them, more of them will survive. If you don't, you may not survive yourself." She stared at it, remembered lying next to it when it was weak and helpless, remembered breaking bits of food into small pieces and slowly, carefully feeding it those pieces.

  After a time its head and body tentacles drew themselves into knotted lumps and it hugged itself with its sensory arms. It spoke to her in Oankali: "I want you to live! Your mate is right! Some of these people are already plotting against you!"

  "I told you they would plot against me," she said in English. "I told you they would probably kill me."

  "You didn't tell me you would help them!"

  She leaned against her table platform, head down. "I'm trying to live," she whispered. "You know I am."

  "You could clone us," Joseph said. "Is that right?"

  "Yes."

  "You could take reproductive cells from us and grow human embryos in artificial wombs?"

  "Yes."

  "You can even re-create us from some kind of gene map or print."

  "We can do that too. We have already done these things. We must do them to understand a new species better. We must compare them to normal human conception and birth. We must compare the children we have made to those we took from Earth. We're very careful to avoid damaging new partner-species."

  "Is that what you call it?" Joseph muttered in bitter revulsion."

  Nikanj spoke very softly. "We revere life. We had to be certain we had found ways for you to live with the partnership, not simply to die of it."

  "You don't need us!" Joseph said. "You've created your own human beings. Poor bastards. Make them your partners."

  "We. . . do need you." Nikanj spoke so softly that Joseph leaned forward to hear. "A partner must be biologically interesting, attractive to us, and you are fascinating. You are horror and beauty in rare combination. In a very real way, you've captured us, and we can't escape. But you're more than only the composition and the workings of your bodies. You are your personalities, your cultures. We're interested in those too. That's why we saved as many of you as we could."

  Joseph shuddered. "We've seen how you saved us-your prison cells and your suspended animation plants, and now this."

  "Those are the simplest things we do. And they leave you relatively untouched. You are what you were on Earth- minus any disease or injury. With a little training, you can go back to Earth and sustain yourselves comfortably."

  "Those of us who survive this room and the training room."

  "Those of you who survive."

  "You could have done this another way!"

  "We've tried other ways. This way is best. There is incentive not to do harm. No one who has killed or severely injured another will set foot on Earth again."

  "They'll be kept here?"

  "For the rest of their lives."

  "Even. . ." Joseph glanced at Lilith, then faced Nikanj again. "Even if the killing is in self-defense?"

  "She is exempt," Nikanj said.

  "What?"

  "She knows. We've given her abilities that at least one of you must have. They make her different, and therefore they make her a target. It would be self-defeating for us to forbid her to defend herself."

  "Nikanj," Lilith said, and when she saw that she had its attention she spoke in Oankali. "Exempt him."

  Flat refusal. That was
that, and she knew it. But she could not help trying. "He's a target because of me," she said. "He could be killed because of me."

  Nikanj spoke in Oankali. "And I want him to live because of you. But I didn't make the decision to keep humans who kill away from Earth-and I didn't exempt you. It was a consensus. I can't exempt him."

  "Then... strengthen him the way you did me."

  "He would be more likely to kill then."

  "And less likely to die. I mean give him more resistance to injury. Help him heal faster if he is injured. Give him a chance!"

  "What are you talking about?" Joseph said to her angrily. "Speak English!"

  She opened her mouth, but Nikanj spoke first. "She's speaking for you. She wants you protected."

  He looked at Lilith for confirmation. She nodded. "I'm afraid for you. I wanted you exempted too. It says it can't do that. So I've asked it to. . ." She stopped, looked from Nikanj to Joseph. "I've asked it to strengthen you, give you at least a chance."

  He frowned at her. "Lilith, I'm not large, but I'm stronger than you think. I can take care of myself."

  "I didn't speak in English because I didn't want to hear you say that. Of course you can't take care of yourself. No one person could against what might happen out there. I only wanted to give you more of a chance than you have now."

  "Show him your hand," Nikanj said.

  She hesitated, fearing that he would begin to see her as alien or too close to aliens-too much changed by them. But now that Nikanj had drawn attention to her hand, she could not conceal it. She raised her no-longer-bruised knuckles and showed them to Joseph.

  He examined her hand minutely, then looked at the other one just to be certain he had not made a mistake. "They did this?" he asked. "Enabled you to heal so quickly?"

  "Yes."

  "What else?"

  "Made me stronger than I was-and I was strong before- and enabled me to control interior walls and suspended animation plants. That's all."

  He faced Nikanj. "How did you do this?"

  Nikanj rustled its tentacles. "For the walls, I altered her body chemistry slightly. For the strength, I gave her more efficient use of what she already has. She should have been stronger. Her ancestors were stronger--her nonhuman ancestors in particular. I helped her fulfill her potential."

  "How?"

  "How do you move and coordinate the fingers of your hands? I'm an ooloi bred to work with humans. I can help them do anything their bodies are capable of doing. I made biochemical changes that caused her regular exercises to be much more effective than they would have been otherwise. There is also a slight genetic change. I haven't added or subtracted anything, but I have brought out latent ability. She is as strong and as fast as her nearest animal ancestors were." Nikanj paused, perhaps noticing the way Joseph was looking at Lilith. "The changes I've made are not hereditary," it said.

  "You said you changed her genes!" Joseph charged.

  "Body cells only. Not reproductive cells."

  "But if you cloned her. .

  "I will not clone her."

  There was a long silence. Joseph looked at Nikanj, then stared long at Lilith. She spoke when she thought she had endured his stare long enough.

  "If you want to go out and join the others, I'll open the wall," she said.

  "Is that what you think?" he asked.

  "That's what I fear," she whispered.

  "Could you have prevented what was done to you?"

  "I didn't try to prevent it." She swallowed. "They were going to give me this job no matter what I said. I told them they might as well kill me themselves. Even that didn't stop them. So when Nikanj and its mates offered me as much as they could offer, I didn't even have to think about it. I welcomed it."

  After a time, he nodded.

  "I'll give you some of what I gave her," Nikanj said. "I won't increase your strength, but I will enable you to heal faster, recover from injuries that might otherwise kill you. Do you want me to do this?"

  "You're giving me a choice?"

  "Yes."

  "The change is permanent?"

  "Unless you ask to be changed back."

  "Side effects?"

  "Psychological."

  Joseph frowned. "What do you mean, psycho.. . Oh. So that's why you won't give me the strength."

  "Yes."

  "But you trust. . . Lilith."

  "She has been Awake and living with my families for years. We know her. And, of course, we're always watching."

  After a time, Joseph took Lilith's hands. "Do you see?" he asked gently. "Do you understand why they chose you-someone who desperately doesn't want the responsibility, who doesn't want to lead, who is a woman?"

  The condescension in his voice first startled, then angered her. "Do I see, Joe? Oh, yes. I've had plenty of time to see."

  He seemed to realize how he had sounded. "You have, yes-not that it helps to know."

  Nikanj had shifted its attention from one of them to the other. Now it focused on Joseph. "Shall I make the change in you?" it asked.

  Joseph released Lilith's hands. "What is it? Surgery? Something to do with blood or bone marrow?"

  "You will be made to sleep. When you awake, the change will have been made. There won't be any pain or illness, no surgery in the usual sense of the word."

  "How will you do it?"

  "These are my tools." It extended both sensory arms. "Through them, I'll study you, then make the necessary adjustments. My body and yours will produce any substances I need."

  Joseph shuddered visibly. "I. . . I don't think I could let you touch me."

  Lilith looked at him until he turned to face her. "I was shut up for days with one of them before I could touch him," she said. "There were times... I'd rather take a beating than go through anything like that again."

  Joseph moved closer to her, his manner protective. It was easier for him to give comfort than to ask for it. Now he managed to do both at once.

  "How long are you going to stay here now?" he demanded of Nikanj.

  "Not much longer. I'll come back. You'll probably feel less afraid when you see me again." It paused. "Eventually you must touch me. You must show at least that much control before I change you."

  "I don't know. Maybe I don't want you to change me. I don't really understand what it is you do with those. . . those tentacles."

  "Sensory arms, we call them in English. They're more than arms-much more-but the term is convenient." It focused its attention on Lilith and spoke in Oankali. "Do you think it would help if he saw a demonstration?"

  "I'm afraid he would be repelled," she said.

  "He's an unusual male. I think he might surprise you."

  "No."

  "You should trust me. I know a great deal about him."

  "No! Leave him to me."

  It stood up, unfolding itself dramatically. When she saw that it was about to leave, she almost relaxed. Then in a single swift sweep of motion, it stepped to her and looped a sensory arm around her neck forming an oddly comfortable noose. She was not afraid. She had been through this often enough to be used to it. Her first thoughts were concern for Joseph and anger at Nikanj.

  Joseph had not moved. She stood between the two of them.

  "It's all right," she told him. "It wanted you to see. This is all the contact it would need."

  Joseph stared at the coil of sensory arm, looked from the arm to Nikanj and back to the arm again where it rested against Lilith's flesh. After a moment, he raised his hand toward it. He stopped. His hand twitched, drew back, then slowly reached out again. With only a moment's hesitation, he touched the cool, hard flesh of the sensory arm. His fingers rested on its hornlike tip and that tip twisted to grasp his wrist.

  Now Lilith was no longer their intermediary. Joseph stood rigid and silent, sweating, but not trembling, his hand upright, fingers clawlike, a noose of sensory tentacle settled in a painless, unbreakable grip around the wrist.

  With a sound that could have been the beginni
ng of a scream, Joseph collapsed.

  Lilith stepped to him quickly, but Nikanj caught him. He was unconscious. She said nothing until she had helped Nikanj put him on the bed. Then she caught it by the shoulders and turned it to face her.

  "Why couldn't you let him alone!" she demanded. "I'm supposed to be in charge of them. Why didn't you just leave him to me?"

  "Do you know," it said, "that no undrugged human has ever done that before? Some have touched us by accident this soon after meeting us, but no one has done it deliberately. I told you he was unusual."

  "Why couldn't you let him alone!"

  It unfastened Joseph's jacket and began to remove it. "Because there are already two human males speaking against him, trying to turn others against him. One has decided he's something called a faggot and the other dislikes the shape of his eyes. Actually, both are angry about the way he's allied himself with you. They would prefer to have you without allies. Your mate needs any extra protection I can give him now."

  She listened, appalled. Joseph had talked about the danger to her. Had he known how immediate his own danger was?

  Nikanj threw the jacket aside and lay down beside Joseph. It wrapped one sensory tentacle around Joseph's neck and the other around his waist, drawing Joseph's body close against its own.

  "Did you drug him, or did he faint?" she asked-then wondered why she cared.

  "I drugged him as soon as I grasped his arm. He had reached his breaking point, though. He might have fainted on his own. This way, he can be angry with me for drugging him, not for making him look weak in front of you."

  She nodded. "Thank you."

  "What is a faggot?" it asked.

  She told it.

  "But they know he's not that. They know he's mated with you."

  "Yes. Well, there's been some doubt about me, too, I hear."

  "None of them really believe it."

  "Yet."

  "Serve them by leading them, Lilith. Help us send as many of them borne as we can."

  She stared at it for a long time, feeling frightened and empty. It sounded so sincere-not that that mattered. How could she become the leader of people who saw her as their jailer? On some level, a leader had to be trusted. Yet every act she performed that proved the truth of what she said also made her loyalties, and even her humanity suspect.