Dawn x-1

by Butler, Octavia

  Now everyone saw a whole arm, undistorted, normal, and a hand that worked easily and well. Peter's own people looked askance at him.

  Following lunch on the day of his healing, Lilith told the people carefully censored stories of her life among the Oankali. Peter did not stay to listen.

  "You need to hear these things more than the others do," she told him later. "The Oankali will be a shock even if you're prepared. They fixed your arm while you were asleep because they didn't want you terrified and fighting them while they tried to help you."

  "Tell them how grateful I am," he muttered.

  "They want sanity, not gratitude," she said. "They want-and I want-you to be bright enough to survive."

  He stared at her with contempt so great that it made his face almost unrecognizable.

  She shook her head, spoke softly. "I hurt you because you were trying to hurt another person. No one else has hurt you at all. The Oankali have saved your life. Eventually, they'll send you back to Earth to make a new life for yourself." She paused. "A little thought, Pete. A little sanity."

  She got up to leave him. He said nothing to her, only watched her with hatred and contempt. "Now there are forty-three of us," she said. "The Oankali could show themselves anytime. Don't do anything that will make them keep you here alone."

  She left him, hoping he would begin to think. Hoping, but not believing.

  Five days after Peter's healing, the evening meal was drugged.

  Lilith was not warned. She ate with the others, sitting off to one side with Joseph. She was aware as she ate of growing relaxation, a particular kind of comfort that made her think of- She sat up straight. What she felt now she had felt before only when she was with Nikanj, when it had established a neural link with her.

  And the sweet fog of anticipation dissipated. Her body seemed to shrug it off and she was alert again. Nearby, other people still spoke to one another, laughing a little more than they had before. Laughter had never quite disappeared from the group, though at times it had been rare. There had been more fighting, more bed-hopping and less laughter for the past few days.

  Now men and women had begun to hold hands, to sit closer to one another. They slipped arms around one another and sat together probably feeling better than they had since they had been Awakened. It was unlikely that any of them could shake off the feeling the way Lilith had. No ooloi had modified them.

  She looked around to see whether the Oankali were coming in yet. There was no sign of them. She turned to Joseph who was sitting next to her frowning.

  "Joe?"

  He looked at her. The frown smoothed away and he reached for her.

  She let him draw her closer, then spoke into his ear. "The Oankali are about to come in. We've been drugged."

  He shook off the drug. "I thought. . ." He rubbed his face. "1 thought something was wrong." He breathed deeply, then looked around. "There," he said softly.

  She followed the direction of his gaze and saw that the wall between the food cabinets was rippling, opening. In at least eight places, Oankali were coming in.

  "Oh no," Joseph said, stiffening, looking away. "Why didn't you leave me comfortably drugged?"

  "Sorry," she said, and rested her hand on his arm. He had had only one brief experience with one Oankali. Whatever happened might be almost as hard on him as it was on the others. "You're modified," she said. "I don't think the drug could have held you once things got interesting."

  More Oankali came through the openings. Lilith counted twenty-eight altogether. Would that be enough to handle forty-three terrified humans when the drug wore off?

  People seemed to react to the nonhuman presence in slow motion. Tate and Gabriel stood up together, leaning on each other, staring at the Oankali. An ooloi approached them and they drew back. They were not terrified as they could have been, but they were frightened.

  The ooloi spoke to them and Lilith realized it was Kahguyaht.

  She stood up, staring at the trio. She could not distinguish individual words in what Kahguyaht was saying, but its tone was not one she would have associated with Kahguyaht. The tone was quiet, calming, oddly compelling. It was a tone Lilith bad learned to associate with Nikanj.

  Somewhere else in the room, a scuffle broke out. Curt, in spite of the drug, had attacked the ooloi that approached him. All the Oankali present were ooloi.

  Peter tried to go to Curt's aid, but behind him, Jean screamed, and he turned back to help her.

  Beatrice fled from her ooloi. She managed to run several steps before it caught her. It wrapped one sensory arm around her and she collapsed unconscious.

  Around the room, other people collapsed-all the fighters, all the runners. No form of panic was tolerated.

  Tate and Gabriel were still awake. Leah was awake, but Wray was unconscious. An ooloi seemed to be calming her, probably assuring her that Wray was all right.

  Jean was still awake in spite of her momentary panic, but Peter was down.

  Celene was awake and frozen in place. An ooloi touched her, then jerked away as though in pain. Celene had fainted.

  Victor Dominic and Hilary Ballard were awake and together, holding one another, though they had shown no interest in one another until now.

  Allison screamed and threw food at her ooloi, then turned and ran. Her ooloi caught her, but kept her conscious, probably because she did not struggle. She went rigid, but seemed to listen as her ooloi spoke soothingly.

  Elsewhere in the room, small groups of people, supporting one another, confronted the ooloi without panic. The drug had quieted them just enough. The room was a scene of quiet, strangely gentle chaos.

  Lilith watched Kahguyaht with Tate and Gabriel. The ooloi was sitting down now, facing them, talking to them, even giving them time to stare at the way its joints bent and the way its sensory tentacles followed movement. When it moved, it moved very slowly. When it spoke, Lilith could hear none of the hectoring contempt or amused tolerance that she was used to.

  "You know that one?" Joseph asked.

  "Yes. It's one of Nikanj's parents. 1 never got along with it.,'

  Across the room, Kahguyaht's head tentacles swept in her direction for a moment and she knew it had heard. She considered saying more, giving it an earful-figuratively.

  But before she could begin, Nikanj arrived. It stood before Joseph and looked at him critically. "You're doing very well," it said. "How do you feel?"

  "I'm all right."

  "You will be." It glanced at Tate and Gabriel. "Your friends won't be, I think. Not both of them, anyway."

  "What? Why not?"

  Nikanj rustled its tentacles. "Kahguyaht will try. I warned it, and it admits I have a talent for humans, but it wants them badly. The woman will survive, but the man may not."

  "Why!" Lilith demanded.

  "He may choose not to. But Kahguyaht is skillful. Those two humans are the calmest in the room apart from you two." It focused for a moment on Joseph's hands, on the fact that he had gouged one with the nails of the other and that the gouged hand was dripping blood onto the floor.

  Nikanj shifted its attention, even turning its body away from Joseph. Its instinct was to help, to heal a wound, stop pain. Yet it knew enough to let Joseph go on hurting himself for now.

  "What are you doing, foretelling the future?" Joseph asked. His voice was a harsh whisper. "Gabe will kill himself?"

  "Indirectly, he might. I hope not. I can't foretell anything. Maybe Kahguyaht will save him. He's worth saving. But his past behavior says he will be hard to work with." It reached out and took Joseph's hands, apparently unable to stand the gouging any longer.

  "You were only given a weak, ooloi-neutral drug in your food," it told him. "I can help you with something better."

  Joseph tried to pull away, but it ignored his effort. It examined the hand he had injured, then further tranquilized him, all the while talking to him quietly.

  "You know I won't hurt you. You're not afraid of being hurt or of pain. And your f
ear of my strangeness will pass eventually. No, be still. Let your body go limp. Let it relax. If your body is relaxed, it will be easier for you to handle your fear. That's it. Lean back against this wall. I can help you maintain this state without blurring your intellect. You see?"

  Joseph turned his head to look at Nikanj, then turned away, his movements slow, almost languid, belying the emotion behind them. Nikanj moved to sit next to him and maintain its hold on him. "Your fear is less than it was," it said. "And even what you feel now will pass quickly."

  Lilith watched Nikanj work, knowing that it would drug Joseph only lightly-perhaps stimulate the release of his own endorphins and leave him feeling relaxed and slightly high. Nikanj's words, spoken with quiet assurance, only reinforced new feelings of security and well-being.

  Joseph sighed. "I don't understand why the sight of you should scare me so," Joseph said. He did not sound frightened. "You don't look that threatening. Just. . . very different."

  "Different is threatening to most species," Nikanj answered. "Different is dangerous. It might kill you. That was true to your animal ancestors and your nearest animal relatives. And it's true for you." Nikanj smoothed its head tentacles. "It's safer for your people to overcome the feeling on an individual basis than as members of a large group. That's why we've handled this the way we have." It looked around at individuals and pairs of humans, each with an ooloi.

  Nikanj focused on Lilith. "It would have been easier for you to be handled this way-with drugs, with an adult ooloi."

  "Why wasn't I?"

  "You were being prepared for me, Lilith. Adults believed you would be best paired with me during my subadult stage. Jdahya believed he could bring you to me without drugs, and he was right."

  Lilith shuddered. "I wouldn't want to go through anything like that again."

  "You won't. Look at your friend Tate."

  Lilith turned and saw that Tate had extended a hand to Kahguyaht. Gabriel grabbed it and hauled it back, arguing.

  Tate said only a few words while Gabriel said many, but after a while, he let her go. Kahguyaht had not moved or spoken. It waited. It let Tate look at it again, perhaps build up her courage again. When she extended her hand again, it seized the hand in a coil of sensory arm in a move that seemed impossibly swift, yet gentle, nonthreatening. The arm moved like a striking cobra, yet there was that strange gentleness. Tate did not even seem startled.

  "How can it move that way?" Lilith murmured.

  "Kahguyaht was afraid she would not have the courage to finish the gesture," Nikanj said. "It was right, I think."

  "I drew back any number of times."

  "Jdahya had to make you do all the work yourself. He couldn't help."

  "What will happen now?" Joseph asked.

  "We'll stay with you for several days. When you're used to us, we'll take you to the training floor we've created-the forest." It focused on Lilith. "For a little while, you won't have any duties. I could take you and your mate outside for a while, show him more of the ship."

  Lilith looked around the room. There were no more struggles, no manifest terror. People who could not control themselves were unconscious. Others were totally focused on their ooloi and suffering through confused combinations of fear and drug-induced well-being.

  "I'm the only human who has any idea what's going on," she said. "Some of them might want to talk to me."

  Silence.

  "Yeah. What about it, Joe? Want to look around outside?"

  He frowned. "What just didn't get said?"

  She sighed. "The humans here aren't going to want us near them for a while. In fact, you may not want them near you. It's a reaction to the ooloi drugs. So we can stay here and be ignored or we can go outside."

  Nikanj coiled the end of one sensory arm around her wrist, prompting her to consider a third possibility. She said nothing, but the eagerness that suddenly blossomed in her was so intense, it was suspicious.

  "Let go!" she said.

  It released her, but was now completely focused on her. It had felt her body's leap of response to its wordless suggestion- or to its chemical suggestion.

  "Did you do that?" she demanded. "Did you. . . inject something."

  "Nothing." It wrapped its free sensory arm around her neck. "Oh, but I will 'inject something.' We can go out later." it stood up, bringing them both up with it.

  "What?" Joseph said as he was hauled to his feet. "What's happening?"

  No one answered him, but he did not resist being guided into Lilith's bedroom. As Lilith sealed the doorway, he asked again, "What's going on?"

  Nikanj slid its sensory arm from Lilith's neck. "Wait," it told her. Then it focused on Joseph, releasing him, but not moving away. "The second time will be the hardest for you. I left you no choice the first time. You could not have understood what there was to choose. Now you have some small idea. And you have a choice."

  He understood now. "No!" he said sharply. "Not again."

  Silence.

  "I'd rather have the real thing!"

  "With Lilith?"

  "Of course." He looked as though he would say something more, but he glanced at Lilith and fell silent.

  "Rather with any human than with me," Nikanj supplied softly.

  Joseph only stared at it.

  "And yet I pleased you. I pleased you very much."

  "Illusion!"

  "Interpretation. Electrochemical stimulation of certain nerves, certain parts of your brain... What happened was real. Your body knows how real it was. Your interpretations were illusion. The sensations were entirely real. You can have them again-or you can have others."

  "No!"

  "And all that you have, you can share with Lilith."

  Silence.

  "All that she feels, she'll share with you." It reached out and caught his hand in a coil of sensory arm. "I won't hurt you. And I offer a oneness that your people strive for, dream of, but can't truly attain alone."

  He pulled his arm free. "You said I could choose. I've made my choice!"

  "You have, yes." It opened his jacket with its many-fingered true hands and stripped the garment from him. When he would have backed away, it held him. It managed to lie down on the bed with him without seeming to force him down. "You see. Your body has made a different choice."

  He struggled violently for several seconds, then stopped. "Why are you doing this?" he demanded.

  "Close your eyes."

  "What?"

  "Lie here with me for a while and close your eyes."

  "What are you going to do?"

  "Nothing. Close your eyes."

  "I don't believe you."

  "You're not afraid of me. Close your eyes."

  Silence.

  After a long while, he closed his eyes and the two of them lay together. Joseph held his body rigid at first, but slowly, as nothing happened, he began to relax. Sometime later his breathing evened and he seemed to be asleep.

  Lilith sat on the table, waiting, watching. She was patient and interested. This might be her only chance ever to watch close up as an ooloi seduced someone. She thought it should have bothered her that the "someone" in this case was Joseph. She knew more than she wanted to about the wildly conflicting feelings he was subject to now.

  Yet, in this matter, she trusted Nikanj completely. It was enjoying itself with Joseph. It would not spoil its enjoyment by hurting him or rushing him. In a perverse way, Joseph too was probably enjoying himself, though he could not have said so.

  Lilith was dozing when Nikanj stroked Joseph's shoulders, rousing him. His voice roused her.

  "What are you doing?" he demanded.

  "Waking you."

  "I wasn't asleep!"

  Silence.

  "My god," he said after a while. "I did fall asleep, didn't I? You must have drugged me."

  "No."

  He rubbed his eyes, but made no effort to get up.

  "Why didn't you. . . just do it?"

  "I told you. This time you can
choose."

  "I've chosen! You ignored me."

  "Your body said one thing. Your words said another." It moved a sensory arm to the back of his neck, looping one coil loosely around his neck. "This is the position," it said. "I'll stop now if you like."

  There was a moment of silence, then Joseph gave a long sigh. "I can't give you-or myself-permission," he said. "No matter what I feel, I can't."

  Nikanj's head and body became mirror smooth. The change was so dramatic that Joseph jumped and drew back. "Does that . . . amuse you somehow?" he asked bitterly.

  "It pleases me. It's what I expected."

  "So. . . what happens now?"

  "You are very strong-willed. You can hurt yourself as badly as you think necessary to achieve a goal or hold to a conviction."

  "Let go of me."

  It smoothed its tentacles again. "Be grateful, Joe. I'm not going to let go of you."

  Lilith saw Joseph's body stiffen, struggle, then relax, and she knew Nikanj had read him correctly. He neither struggled nor argued as Nikanj positioned him more comfortably against its body. Lilith saw that he had closed his eyes again, his face peaceful. Now he was ready to accept what he had wanted from the beginning.

  Silently, Lilith got up, stripped off her jacket, and went to the bed. She stood over it, looking down. For a moment, she saw Nikanj as she had once seen Jdahya-as a totally alien being, grotesque, repellant beyond mere ugliness with its night crawler body tentacles, its snake head tentacles, and its tendency to keep both moving, signaling attention and emotion.

  She froze where she stood and had all she could to keep from turning and running away.

  The moment passed, left her almost gasping. She jumped when Nikanj touched her with the tip of a sensory arm. She stared at it for a moment longer wondering how she had lost her horror of such a being.