Caylee nodded enthusiastically while staring shyly at her veggies.
“And the hayloft?” she continued, before anyone could get a word in edgewise. “And the new bull pens?”
“And the sky in our room,” Cutter added, matter-of-factly.
All eyes slid from Cutter to Kate.
“She, uh,” Finn began, “painted the kids’ room with a sky. With clouds. And stars. And...all that.”
“But sometimes,” Caylee added, still staring at her plate, “Kate sleeps with Daddy in his room, because her room is not very pretty like ours.”
Silence thundered around the table, like the moment before a tornado touches down or a bomb goes off. Kate gaped at Caylee, her fork halted halfway to her mouth. A curse word bubbled up to her lips. She couldn’t decide which was worse, that Caylee knew they’d been sleeping together, or that she’d just spilled the beans here to her whole family. Her gaze darted to Finn, who looked every bit as stunned as she felt.
“Mm-hmm,” Eve murmured, leaning closer with the sort of shit-eating grin only a younger sister can generate. “Apparently, I win.”
Reed shoveled in some food and just stared at the two of them.
“More wine anyone?” Jaycee asked brightly.
Kate thrust her now empty glass out. “Yes, please.” Kill me now.
“There’s a not-so-simple explanation for another time,” Olivia said, flashing a sideways look at the kids, who apparently were taking the whole sleeping-together thing in stride. Kate gulped down some wine.
“Wait,” Eve turned a suspicious look on Olivia. “What do you know about this?”
“People!” Kate said, getting impatiently to her feet. “I’m a grown woman, in case that has escaped your notice and wherever I happen to...lay my head down at night, is not a topic for family conversation. Period. Finn? Would you please ask me to dance?”
He got to his feet, leaving behind half a plate full of uneaten food and took her by the hand. “Wanna dance?”
She cast one last censuring glance at her family. “I’d love to.”
***
“You okay?” he asked, as they reached the dance floor, already crowded with people. Lonnie Black was singing a country love song about a break-up—what else?—with his Sam Hunt sexy voice. Couples were slow dancing.
All around her. Real couples, dancing. She was the only fraud here.
“I’m fine.” After all, what had she expected from her family? Boundaries? Oh, she couldn’t blame her family. They loved her. All around that table, they were watching her with real hope for her future happiness. How could she not appreciate that? She did. She just didn’t want to see the disappointment in their eyes when she failed, yet again.
“Did you know Caylee knew about us sleeping together?” she asked him.
“No. She must have come into the room in the middle of the night. It’s been their little secret, I guess.” He took her by the hand and pulled her out onto the dance floor, tugging her up against him.
“Oh, Finn—”
“Stop worrying. They’re resilient and they have no idea what us in bed together really means.”
Maybe she was as in the dark as they were. The question of what it meant was one she’d been asking herself for a week now. Sleeping with him. Settling into his life like she belonged... Every molecule in her warned her to run. Run right now before things got even more complicated and awful. What was wrong with her that she couldn’t just let him hold her without looking for the exits?
Running, a small voice said, was the coward’s way out. And where had it gotten her? Nowhere.
So why don’t you stay? Fix things and stay.
“What was all that about Eve winning a bet?” he asked, pinpointing the least important faux pas moment of the entire familial debacle.
“Nothing. Really. Just a silly...” She shook her head with a smile. “My family... I love them dearly, and they mean well. But they take a little getting used to.”
“It’s obvious they all love you,” he said. “I envy that. That’s a gift, you know. Not everyone gets that.”
She cut a look up at him. “I know that. I do. I guess I’ve...just never wanted to disappoint them.”
Brushing a piece of hair from her eyes, he said, “Why would you think they couldn’t handle a little disappointment now and then? It comes with the territory, doesn’t it? Just like celebrating the good stuff.”
But, she thought, there was disappointment and then, there was disappointment.
With a laugh, he said, “Come here.”
God, he smelled delicious. Soap, a touch of something musky and the essential essence that belonged to Finn alone.
He swung her around with the same athletic expertise he used in the arena, guiding her, matching her step for step, their legs winding together like perfect notes in a song. She pressed her cheek against his shoulder in a very un-nanny-like way, really not caring if anyone knew what they were to each other, or what the next few days would bring.
Nearby, she spotted pretty Kendall Dixon dancing with Brent Ashton, who, she’d heard, had just returned from Australia. Were they together? Suddenly, couples seemed to be springing up everywhere in Marietta. She tried hard not to feel jealous that their lives seemed much less complicated than her own. But then, maybe she was wrong about that, too.
The crowd applauded appreciatively when the song ended and Lonnie launched immediately into another, much rowdier cover song called Copperhead Road, that had a line dancing beat that could not be ignored. Kate laughed as he pulled her into the line beside him and off they went.
He’d always been a good dancer, but he’d claimed to be rusty when they’d talked about coming to the dance. There was no rust anywhere in sight as he expertly followed the complicated steps with her.
Slapping her heels down, she kicked her feet out, the feeling cathartic and angry at once, as the tempo of the song picked up. Through the entire dance, he held her hand and hardly took his gaze off her. She smiled back at him, feeling breathless and wanting to act on that look in his eyes, that hot, I-want-you-under-me look.
Olivia and Jake appeared then, with Cutter and Caylee, who were already dancing in their own unique way with some of the other children on the dance floor. Caylee nailed Finn for a slow dance next, and he held her in his arms and spun her around the floor as she smiled up at him.
Kate danced with Cutter as Olivia and Jake took the floor, looking as in love as anyone Kate had ever seen. Could she be happier for her sister? No. But that didn’t make the direction her love life was about to take any easier to bear.
“Are you gonna be our mom?” Cutter asked suddenly as they spun across the dance floor.
Kate stopped dead. “Um...what?”
“Caylee thinks you are, but...”
“Oh...Cutter, I...I don’t...”
Even a five-year-old could hear the impending doom in the tone of his name spoken that way. He shrugged and looked away as the song ended and Caylee bounded up to him.
“Let’s go get ice cream!” she chirped. Olivia appeared beside her as the two scampered back toward the tables where Jaycee and Reed were.
“I’ll keep an eye on them,” Olivia told her. “You two just...dance. Or, do whatever...” She winked as Finn joined her with a smile.
She was still shaken by Cutter’s question when Finn pulled her off the dance floor.
They were both glowing in the warm evening. Before they could make a clean getaway, he was stopped by at least four people, congratulating him on the ride. He thanked everyone, good-naturedly, but kept hold of her hand and pulled her with him toward the pathway that wound through the park. They laughed together as they wandered onto the grass, where twinkling lights and paper bag luminaries, filled with sand and flickering candles lined the walkway toward the gazebo.
Halfway there, he stopped and kissed her. Not a hard kiss. Or even a lingering one. Just a kiss that stopped her heartbeat for a nanosecond and made her want more. But, instead
, he kept walking, pulling her by the hand.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I just want you to myself for a minute.”
“We should probably keep our eye on the kids.”
“Olivia’s got them. There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
Kate stiffened. Had he found out? But, then why had he kissed her? Did he know what the twins had been discussing together? Heaven help her.
He stopped under a tree and drew her back with him against the trunk.
“You’re scaring me,” she told him.
“Listen,” he began, “I know things are...complicated for us. Hell, they’ve always been complicated. But I...these last few weeks with you have been good. I mean, better than good.”
“Finn, we need to—”
“I know we started this whole thing off on a lie, but this marriage doesn’t feel like a lie anymore. It feels like the truth. For the first time in a long time. This feels right. And you know I’m grateful for what you did. But this...you and me...is not about that anymore. Take the hearing out of the equation for a minute and let’s just talk about us.”
She felt heat climb into her throat. Strangling. A sound came from her somewhere between a groan and a cry for help. No. No we shouldn’t. A crowd of people sauntered by, laughing.
“We should talk after the rodeo,” she said. “You need to keep your focus on the rodeo.”
“Just hear me out,” he said, ignoring all the warning signs. “I don’t know what’s in your head. I never know, because you keep everything so close to the vest, Kate. But I want to. And I know what I feel when you’re in my arms. When I wake up with you in the morning and see you there. My kids already love you and I think you’re starting to love them. But no matter what happens with this hearing—”
She squeezed her eyes shut.
“We’ll get through whatever happens if we’re together,” he continued. “What I’m trying to say is—”
“Kate Canaday? Is that you?”
One of the women in the passing crowd stepped toward her with a big smile. Judy Elsworth, the Marietta Elementary School principal.
Oh. Dear. God.
Kate had an out-of-body experience, as if she were seeing the scene from above as the woman headed toward her with her hand extended.
“Mrs. Elsworth!” she stammered. “Hi.” Coherent words eluded her.
“I’m so happy to run into you, here, Kate! I’ve been wanting to congratulate you on the Missoula job! It’s coming up next week, right? You know, the principal there, Nancy Ruland, was a roommate of mine in college and...” Blah, blah, blah...
The woman’s words buzzed into a blur as Kate imagined the park, curling up and swallowing her. It was Nancy Ruland she’d sworn to secrecy. She hadn’t, in her wildest dreams, imagined Judy Elsworth would out her. She felt Finn’s disbelieving gaze bore into her, but she couldn’t look at him. She just couldn’t.
“Oh. I—I’m sorry,” Mrs. Elsworth said, as if suddenly noticing the crackle of something in the air between her and Finn. “I didn’t mean to—am I interrupting something? Please forgive me. I just wanted to wish you well, dear.”
Kate nodded politely. “Thank you. So much,” she murmured as the woman stole off with her friends, leaving behind a pitted landscape of misunderstanding between her and the only man she’d ever really cared about.
He stared at her, waiting, his posture stiff. “You took a job? In Missoula?”
“I—” she began. “Yes.”
“When were you planning on telling me that? Before or after I asked you to marry me for real? Oh, never mind. Apparently, after.”
Her eyes filled as she studied the twinkling lights strung in the tree. “We are married for real.”
“No. Married people live together. They don’t secretly take jobs two hundred odd miles away.”
“I...” She pressed her palms against her eyes. How could she possibly explain herself now? Now that she’d been outted as a liar. She’d planned her speech for tomorrow, after the rodeo, had her thoughts all prepared, but now...too late for self-protection. For speeches that would somehow vindicate her. “I wanted to tell you, but—”
“But what, Kate? You never had the chance? You mean all those nights we were sleeping together in my bed, making love together, never once did you have the chance to say, ‘Oh, by the way, I’m taking a job in Missoula. None of this means anything to me.’ Huh? Never once did it occur to you that there were two of us in this relationship?”
“That’s not true.”
“What’s not? The fact that there are two of us, or that it never occurred to you?”
She deserved that, she supposed. “That it...that we...mean nothing to me. That’s not true.”
Lonnie Black and his band cranked up a honky-tonk country song about girls in cut-offs and long-neck beer. Couples walked by, hand in hand in sharp contrast to the two of them in a stand-off under the canopy of the maple tree.
He stretched his arms out, palms up. “What do you want me to say here, Kate? That I should have known? That this was our agreement? That nothing changed between then and now? Well, it damn well did. For me, anyway. I thought it had for you, too”
“It did. I know. My bad. Okay? I took the job weeks ago, because I was scared, all right? I didn’t go searching that job out, it fell in my lap. But yes. I grabbed it. I was terrified of what I was starting to feel for you and...and risking my heart again with you when I thought...when I knew there wasn’t a chance for us—”
“You knew? Weeks ago? So...what? You were playing me? Was this a game to you?”
“No!”
“You didn’t even give us a chance. And how exactly did you know then that—?”
“It doesn’t matter now. Really. Clearly. You have every reason to hate me.”
“Hate you?” He looked like he was getting ready to explode. “I don’t hate you, Kate.”
“If you don’t already, you will. Trust me. Because...it’s worse than that.”
His scowl deepened. “What the hell does that mean? Worse than what?”
“Worse than me taking the job in Missoula.”
He looked almost afraid to ask. “What else?”
“Melissa knows.”
His lips parted as understanding dawned. As the reality of what that meant settled over him. “How?”
Kate told him about the encounter at the park with his ex-wife and the hacking.
He turned away from her then, bracing one hand on the smooth bark of the tree and leaning over, trying to catch his breath. “If she tells the judge—”
“She said she already has.” Kate stared at the ground. “I’m so sorry, Finn.”
“Sorry? You didn’t think I should know this? To prepare for it? To do something about it? These are my children we’re talking about. My children.”
And they would never be hers. Her stomach twisted. Should she tell him about Trey Reyes? What good would that do? If Trey found nothing, her hiring him would simply be another secret she kept from Finn. One more stone on her grave. “With everything on your plate, the ranch, the rodeo...I wanted to try to fix what I’d done on my own.”
“Fix it? You mean now that the judge knows I planned to deceive the court? Oh, scratch that. That would be you. I actually wanted to marry you.”
Past tense.
“I withdrew my name from the job. Probably too late to matter. But for what it’s worth...”
“For what it’s worth...” He shook his head. “You know what your problem is, Kate?”
She lifted her eyes to his, only to find exactly what she expected—that same disappointed look her sisters had given her at Grey’s Saloon a few weeks back. That look that said, ‘we’ve tried, but we just can’t figure out how to help you help yourself.’
She lifted her chin, her lips pursed to hold back tears. “No. Why don’t you tell me, Finn, because apparently, I can’t figure my flaws out all on my own.�
�� Actually, she couldn’t. He was right.
He stepped close to her, keeping his hands at his sides. Not touching her for the first time in weeks when he’d been this close. “You’ve never believed in us. Or trusted what we had together. Not six years ago, before you left for Italy and not now. But the real problem is you never believed in yourself. If you had, you’d know that this—” he gestured between them—“you and me, what’s between us, is rare. And that doesn’t come along often. Almost never. But maybe I was just kidding myself, thinking you could actually forgive the past and love me. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see.”
She took a step back. Out of reach. “I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to help you. But I screwed up. I always screw things up. That’s what I do.” Her eyes brimmed, but she refused to cry. “You asked what that bet was about? My sisters bet that I couldn’t go without a date for a month. And you know why? Because I’d been dating too many men, in their humble opinions. I can’t have a real relationship. Every one of those men had an expiration date stamped on his head. Because I can’t do relationships. So the bet was a dare. And I couldn’t even manage to see that through. No, I had to marry you. Not technically dating, but hey! Why not go head-on into disaster instead of just dipping my toe in? Drag your beautiful children into the fray. But we both knew there was an expiration date on this ‘marriage.’ Didn’t we? Which is why I’m just a nanny and not a real wife.”
He just shook his head helplessly at her. “Seriously? You’re gonna play that card? That was how you wanted it.”
She reached for the gold chain around her neck where the diamond rings hung and tugged it over her head. Shoving the rings in his hand, she closed his fingers around them. “Don’t worry. I’ll be in Missoula on Wednesday, because I promised I would. And I’ll lie for you. I’m pretty good at it, don’t you think? Maybe I’ll even convince him that we’re a real couple. I’m sorry, Finn. Really. I’m so, so sorry.”
She turned to go and hurried down the path toward the tables where she’d left her family.
“Kate!” he called after her, the gold chain dangling from his fist. “Dammit!”
Choose Me, Cowboy Page 16
