“Really. You give me everything just by letting me touch you like this. To be able to finally kiss you is…God, it’s amazing.” He rolled back and pulled me onto my side, removing the contact of our bodies directly in the spots that were driving me wild. I silently cursed at my stupidity. Ryan nodded and moved his arm around my lower back.
“I want this to work, Julia. So yes, whatever you need from me. Even if you don’t want to make love until we’re geographically closer. I’ll understand.” His fingers wound in my hair as his hand cupped the back of my head and neck. I shivered in his arms.
Our conversation of a few weeks ago came rushing back. “I only said that because I can’t expect you to be celibate when we’re so far apart.” I knew my voice was trembling, aching as I said the words.
“Julia. Stop. I can and I will. Even if I can’t be with you, I don’t want anyone else. I’ll give you any part of me that you want.” He shrugged. “I don’t…have choices where you’re concerned.”
My chest constricted and I gasped quietly. His words were so beautiful, the way he touched me so tender and the look in his eyes so loving, that there was no way I could doubt him.
“What if I do want you?” I whispered.
His eyes were as deep as the ocean when they snapped back to mine. “I’m yours. I can deny you nothing.”
Did that mean he’d be okay with taking my virginity?
My heart skipped a beat. Since the day I met him, I could think of no other man touching me like that. I dated a few guys in college, mostly because I was trying to get over the love and lust I felt for Ryan, but they all paled in comparison and left me aching for him even more. My quest to distract myself from the fact that he was dating and bedding other women had failed miserably.
Should I tell him? Will it stop him from making love to me? I didn’t want to think about it, I just wanted to feel him.
I slid my hand down over his chest and up again, beginning to undo two of the buttons and slid my hand inside. He gasped at my touch. His skin was warm and my fingers tangled in the soft hair I found there. When I flattened the palm against him, his hand came up and pressed mine into his body. I could feel his heartbeat and his chest rise and fall with each breath.
“I’ve dreamed of your hands on my body, fantasized about making love to you a million times,” he whispered against my mouth. I let my tongue dart out to lick his upper lip and that was all the invitation he needed to press his mouth to mine.
“Ryan…I’ve wanted you, to feel you pressing into me like this…wondered what it would be like to kiss you, to taste you…” I took a deep breath and said the words he needed to hear. “I’ve wanted to feel you inside of me.”
“God, Julia. I just told you I’d wait, but I’m going to die if you keep talking like that when I can’t…have you.” He raised his eyes to mine and I felt my body react at his words and his hands on me, a flood of wetness spreading and the throbbing becoming unbearable.
“You can have me.”
He was very still as his eyes searched mine, but his heart under my hand was racing, his chest heaving with the effort of his breathing.
“Are you sure? There is nothing I want more, but I want you to be sure.”
My face tilted up to his and I silently begged for his mouth to return to mine. “So sure…”
He kissed me over and over, both of us clamoring to get closer to each other. Our faces tilted so our mouths fit perfectly over one another’s and our tongues moved over and around, deep in each other’s mouths.
He was so incredible, tasted so amazing in my mouth, his muscles playing beneath my hands as he moved to pull me closer. The kisses were deep and less frantic as Ryan struggled to gain some control and his lips tugged and teased mine, coming back for more kisses each time I thought he would stop.
“Baby…I love you so much, I’m dying,” he whispered against my mouth. “I know we’ll be amazing together.” He was so incredibly sexy, I almost came at his voice, telling me he wanted me in that low, oozing tone was more than I could take.
“Uhhh…” I sighed. “Let’s go into my room,” I said softly and he nodded moving off of me and taking my hand to pull me up with him. He lifted me, sweeping me up in his arms as if I weighed nothing and strode down the hall toward the bedrooms.
“Which is yours?”
“On the left, just past the bathroom.”
I snuggled into his chest and tried to calm my nerves. I was almost 23 years old and a virgin. Would his view of me change? We’d shared everything; but our sex lives with others was carefully avoided. I could see now that Ryan hadn’t wanted to know the details of my dates any more than I had wanted to know the details of his.
He laid me gently on the bed and placed a soft, wet kiss on my mouth before turning to close the bedroom door. His shirt was almost all the way unbuttoned from my play in the living room but he finished the job and threw it off his shoulders on his way back to the bed.
I gasped at how beautiful he was.
The muscles of his broad shoulders and strong arms, his chest and abs, all left me breathless. The small amount of hair on his smooth skin grew thicker in a line that disappeared into the low waist of his jeans. I sat up on my knees so I could touch him, my fingers sliding up from his stomach and over his chest. His arms slid around my waist, his hands fisting in the back of my dress as he drew me close and buried his open mouth in the curve of my neck and shoulder.
He groaned against my skin as his mouth sucked on the sensitive skin, sending shivers through my entire body. “Oh Ryan…God.”
He drew back to look into my eyes, one hand coming around to cup my face, and his thumb rubbing my lower lip until my mouth parted and my breath left in a rush. “Jesus, you’re so beautiful. You’re beautiful to everyone, but to me there is nothing more exquisite than seeing the love…the want…in your eyes when you look at me. It’s a miracle.”
My hands moved into the hair at the back of his head and pulled his mouth to mine as my body throbbed and ached for his to fill me. “Make love to me,” I begged.
I trembled as his fingers unzipped the back of my dress and slid it down, his touch igniting every inch of my skin. I had dressed carefully that morning in anticipation of this moment. I wanted to please him, to give him everything. I gasped against his mouth as his hands followed the dress down around my knees where I kneeled on the bed.
Ryan’s eyes darkened as he looked upon the black lace bra and my chest heaved in anxious anticipation. His hands moved over me, discovering the matching thong panties and he shuddered. “Oh, God. Look at you,” he whispered as his other hand ghosted over the swell of my breasts visible above the top of the lace, before he bent to place his open mouth where his hands had been.
“I want to taste every inch of your skin. It’s all I’ve thought about. Julia…”
His fingers curled around one of my bra straps and dragged it down as his hot mouth followed the path it took across my skin. He had me gasping for breath, my head lolling to one side as I clung to him helplessly.
I reached behind me and unhooked my bra, letting it fall away from my body. Ryan’s hands came up to cup the outsides of my breasts, both of his thumbs grazed over the nipples. I was already on fire, but they tightened even more under his delicate touch.
Suddenly, Ryan’s arms enfolded me and lowered me to the bed, his mouth hungry on my own. He kissed me deeply before dragging his mouth down my neck and across my chest as he loomed over me. His mouth sucked one nipple in as his tongue played and licked. He moaned against me and I almost died. His mouth was scorching and the ache in my lower body intensified.
“Ryan…I want…will you come to me?” I turned my head and kissed his forearm that was supporting his weight.
He stood up and pulled the dress from around my feet, tossing it aside before lifting one leg and then the other to remove the thigh high stockings and letting them drift to the floor. “Oh, babe, you’re so sexy. I’m…undone.”
He
unbuttoned his jeans and slid the zipper down before completely shedding them along with his boxer briefs. He was so beautiful and his erection rock hard and ready. I stared as he lay down beside me and rested his head on one hand so he could look down upon me.
His hand softly brushed over my skin, sending goose bumps cascading everywhere he touched. I was hesitant, but I reached out to touch him as his hand flattened on my stomach, between my navel and the top of my thong.
Ryan’s head fell back and he gasped as my fingers closed around his length. “Is it ok to touch you like this?” I whispered.
“It’s…incredible. Uh…Oh, Jesus.”
My heart swelled in my chest. “I want to give you pleasure, Ryan.” I squeezed as I pulled my hand up from the base over the head, my thumb catching the clear drop of fluid there to rub it around the skin. It felt like steel encased in silk.
“I’m wound so tight, you have to let me touch you first…I need to taste you, my love.”
He bent to kiss and suckle the skin along the top of my panties as his thumb hooked under the edge and began to drag them down. I kept touching him and his hips surged in my hand. He moved down on the bed to a place where I couldn’t reach and placed his forehead on my hipbone. He inhaled deeply and I blushed, knowing what he wanted.
I felt him shudder as his hand moved from the flat of my stomach down to the secret place that ached for his touch.
He kissed my stomach and the top of my thighs as his hand nudged my legs apart and parted the tender flesh he was seeking. He groaned against my skin. “Julia…oh Julia. Finally. Mmmm, you’re so wet…”
“It’s you, Ryan. Because of you.”
I felt him insert two fingers inside me and I gasped. “Dear God, you’re so tight. Open for me, Julia. Please.” The tone in his voice was dripping sex, low and urgent. I couldn’t deny him and my legs fell open to him.
He bent his head and kissed me, running his tongue up my center as his pushed his fingers inside again. “Uh…Ryan.” My back arched of its own volition and I surged toward his mouth. It was like nothing I’d ever felt and pleasure shot through my entire body.
“Mmmm, baby,” he groaned and the vibrations against the sensitive skin made me writhe and clench beneath him. I must surely be dreaming another of my intimate, amazing dreams where Ryan made me completely his. His tongue and mouth continued the sweet torture and his fingers inside of me pressed upward to rub back and forth. I lost track of time and didn’t know if it had been seconds or hours, but the sensations were more than I could bear and I felt myself start to lose control. My body began to clench and spasm around his fingers and against his mouth. Wave after wave, he brought me through it.
“You are so incredible, so beautiful.” He kissed me one last time and then moved up my body, his mouth running across my stomach and breasts until I couldn’t stand it anymore. “You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to do that, Julia. There were so many times in the dorms or our rooms as we studied that I wanted to throw you down and have you. So many damn times that I could barely contain myself,” he whispered against my mouth, “I’ve literally ached with it. The way you smell and taste is more than I could have dreamed of.”
My heart was pounding in my chest and I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted to feel him inside my body, be around him, and to consume him.
“Kiss me, Ryan…Oh God, have me.” The muscles on his body were solid and defined, and my arms pulled him down and he settled between my legs. I could feel his erection, hard and huge against my thigh and I turned slightly to bring it into direct contact with my center.
Ryan was staring at my mouth and then his eyes closed as I moved against him. “You’re so hot,” his voice thickened as his hips rocked into mine, grinding and rubbing our most sensitive parts together. My fingers raked down his back and grasped the muscles of his butt. “Are you sure you’re ready? Are you protected? Should I get a condom?”
He lowered his arms to rest on both sides of my head and brushed the hair back and I nodded. I licked my lip and pulled his mouth to mine. “No, I mean, I’m on the pill and I trust you. Please.”
His beautiful blue eyes stared down into mine as I felt him seeking and finding my entrance. I tensed, knowing what was coming, but he moved against me sliding back and forth against my clitoris and the sensations began to swell all over again. Wetness surged between my legs and the tip of him slipped inside. He watched my face and moved in a little more. When he felt the barrier of my hymen he stopped dead, starting to pull out, but my hands on his butt held him in place.
“No. Don’t stop Ryan.”
“Julia…are you a virgin?” The expression on his face went from wonder to confusion and trepidation.
“I wanted you to be the first Ryan, okay? I love you so much.” I felt the tears well up. “Please don’t stop.” I surged against him and he sank a little deeper into me, but yet he resisted.
“I don’t want to hurt you, baby. Uhhhh, Julia,” he gasped against my mouth as I moved against him. “I don’t think I can stop now even if I wanted to.”
“Then don’t. Please. Just kiss me, Ryan. I’m yours.”
He licked my upper lip and sucked my lower one into his mouth as he pushed in further. I felt the stinging and burning begin, but I wanted him. I was throbbing with need that went beyond any pain, and the love I felt for this man consumed my very soul.
His mouth parted my lips in a hard kiss, his tongue laving mine as his body surged fully into mine. Pain shot through me and he stopped at my gasp, holding perfectly still inside me and waiting for my body to adjust to his. He kissed me without moving and then raised his head.
“Are you okay, honey?”
I waited for the burning to subside a little before I answered.
“I’m perfect, Ryan. Move in me, baby. I need to feel all of you.”
“I love you, Julia.” He began to thrust into me slowly at first until my hips began to echo his rhythm. His kisses and movements were so tender it brought tears to my eyes. He rocked against me and my body reacted to the pressure, the building beginning and the pain completely subsiding. Emotion flooded through me even as my body began to tremble and come around his.
Kiss after kiss, he was so passionate and giving. I felt him pour all of his love into me and finally he tensed and shuddered as he came. “Julia…” he groaned and kissed my neck as he spilled into me.
“Oh, Ryan. I love you.” I tightened my arms and legs around him and turned to kiss the side of his face and then his shoulder. “I love you more than anything.”
When he finally raised his head and looked down into my face, his eyes were glassy and his cheeks were wet. “Julia.” His fingers moved the damp hair back off of my face, his body still embedded in mine. “Oh babe, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought you might not want to be the first,” I said softly as the tears fell from the corners of my eyes. Ryan’s thumbs wiped them away.
“Nothing could make me not want you. It was a gift, Julia. My heart is so full of you right now that it physically hurts. It was beautiful. I can’t tell you what it means to me…to know that no one else has…” His eyes closed and his words dropped off before resting his forehead against mine. “My God.” His mouth brushed soft kisses on my eyelids and cheeks before settling once again for a slow passionate kiss on my mouth.
Ryan raised himself up and out of me gently, trying to be careful. “Does it still hurt, babe? Are you okay?”
He lay on his side, his hand supporting his head. His eyes searched mine and I could see the questions behind them. The worry.
I shook my head. “No, I’m fine. It was incredible. I knew you’d be amazing.”
He smiled. “Considering I’m the only one,” he said as his fingers brushed against my chin. His expression sobered. “Julia…I mean, I had no idea…all this time…?”
I turned toward him and brushed the hair off of his face. I wanted to touch him like he was touching
me. “What would you have had me say? Ryan, I’m so in love with you that I can’t stand anyone else touching me?” My throat tightened, making it hard to get the words out. I tried to joke about it, but his eyes darkened and he got the little crinkle between his brows as he studied me.
“Yeah, that would have worked.” His mouth quirked and then his expression became thoughtful. “Julia, you dated. I thought…”
“I dated, yeah. To try to get you out of my system.” I lay back on the pillows and brought a hand to my eyes. “You can’t know what I went through, trying to have sex with someone else so that I could try to fall out of love with you.” The memory of those times was still painful enough to bring new tears to my eyes and my throat was aching.
“Jules,” Ryan said softly and reached for my hand. “Please don’t pull away from me. I do know what it was like, because that’s what I did too. I couldn’t shake you, no matter what I did.”
“Don’t you mean who you did?” I asked. I knew it was unfair of me, bitter even, and that wasn’t how I wanted the evening to be. I regretted my words the instant they were out. He sighed heavily and pulled back from me but I reached for him and drew him closer. “I’m sorry, that was unfair of me.”
“I…wanted you from the minute we met. I ached for you and I basically resigned myself to the fact that you only wanted to be my friend. I tried to get you out of my head because it was killing me. And physically, I was on edge all the time. I was so turned on, my body was constantly in agony…but I couldn’t stay away from you either. I was totally fucked. So yes, I tried to get you out of my head and my heart. And I failed every time.”
“I cried myself to sleep every one of those nights you went out. I was in hell, praying for daylight when you’d be with me and not them.” Finally, he knew everything and admitting it to him was like letting the water out of a dam and I couldn’t stop the tears. He gathered me close to his chest and put a hand on the back of my head. He kissed me on the forehead and breathed me in.
The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) Page 9
