In Your Heart

by Micalea Smeltzer

  I stuck my phone into my pocket and stepped back into Emma’s room.

  She slowly rolled her head towards me. “You look like shit.” I tried to laugh, but it was forced.

  “I feel like shit.” She tried to push herself up so that she was sitting, but it wasn’t working. I rushed over to help her, trying to get her more comfortable. I hated seeing someone I loved so miserable. I hoped it was nothing bad. “I should’ve gone to the doctor a while ago,” she mumbled, “but I’ve been so focused on the wedding that I just assumed it was stress.”

  “This,” I pointed at her, “is way more than stress.”

  “Yeah, I can see that now.” She nodded at the stark hospital room. “God I hate hospitals. They smile like death and bleach.”

  I pulled up one of the chairs closer to her bed and sat down. “Do you want some more water?”

  She nodded and was able to drink a little more this time. “Did you get Maddox?”

  “Oh, yeah.” I nodded. “He’s on his way…or actually I think Ezra was about to forcibly remove him from his car so that he could drive him. He was afraid Maddox might crash his car or something.”

  Emma laughed, but it wasn’t her normal one. Instead it was more rough and tired sounding. “Maddox freaks out if I get a splinter. I can’t imagine his reaction to this kind of phone call.”

  “He loves you.” I defended his actions.

  “I know.” She smiled. It was a small one, but still managed to glimmer in her eyes.

  I sat back and we grew quiet. I knew Emma was tired and I hoped maybe she could drift off to sleep for a little while, but a doctor ended up coming into the room.

  “Ms. Burke,” the doctor said, stopping at the end of the bed. “We have your results back from the blood test.” The doctor was pretty, maybe in her early forties, with black hair and unique blue eyes that popped against her dark skin.

  “That was fast,” Emma commented.

  The doctor nodded. “I had your tests fast-tracked.”

  That wasn’t a surprise to me. Everyone in this town—unless they lived under a rock—knew who Emma was because of her association with Maddox and the whole band. All of them were practically royalty in this town.

  The doctor’s eyes shifted to me. “Would you mind stepping outside for a moment?”

  Emma’s eyes widened in fear and she grabbed onto my arm with a surprising amount of strength. “No, I want her to stay. Please. She’s my best friend and I don’t want to be alone.”

  “If it’s okay with you…” The doctor paused, waiting for Emma to confirm.

  “It is.” Emma nodded, resolute.

  I sat back down once more, hoping this was nothing bad. I wasn’t sure I would be the best person to console Emma if the doctor had bad news.

  Please let everything be okay, I silently chanted.

  “Well,” the doctor started, “the good news is nothing is majorly wrong with you.”

  “Majorly?” She repeated. “So something is wrong?”

  “Not wrong per se,” the doctor hedged.

  Emma paled even further and I feared she might pass out again.

  “I’m hoping this will be good news.” The doctor glanced down at the chart. “According to your blood work you’re about seven weeks pregnant.”

  Oh.

  My.

  God.

  “What?” Emma shook her head and her eyes bugged out. “Can you repeat that? I don’t think I heard you right.”

  The doctor smiled. “You’re seven weeks pregnant.”

  Emma’s hand went to her stomach. “I’m having a baby?” Tears filled her eyes and I really hoped they were tears of happiness.

  “Yes,” the doctor nodded. “We’ll do a sonogram soon. We’re just waiting on the technician.”

  “Wow.” Emma wiped at her tears. “This is insane.” She looked up at me with wonder and awe in her eyes. “I’m going to be a mom, Sadie. How crazy is that?”

  “Pretty crazy. But you’re going to be an amazing mom.” I knew between her and Maddox this baby would be the luckiest kid on the planet.

  “I need a tissue,” she said, reaching out and failing to find one.

  The doctor grabbed one for her and handed it over. “It seems that it’s a combination of things that led to your extreme fatigue, the baby being one of those causes. You need to eat more balanced meals and drink a lot of water. I’ll be back soon and we’ll go over a few things,” she said, before leaving.

  Emma nodded as she left and continued to dab at her eyes. “I can’t believe I’m getting married and having a baby.”

  “Life is changing,” I agreed.

  My phone buzzed and I stood up. “I’ll be just outside the door.”

  “Is it Maddox?” She asked.

  I shook my head. “Ezra.”

  “Oh. Okay.”

  I stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind me.

  Before the phone could stop ringing I answered. “Hello?”

  “Hey, I wanted to let you know I just let Maddox out at the front and I’m parking the car. I thought you should be warned though because he’s on a rampage.”

  “Noted,” I said, just as I heard a commotion around the corner. “I have to go.”

  I hurried in the direction of all the sound and stopped when I saw a cart had fallen over on the floor and Maddox was pushing people out of his way.

  “Move! Get out of my way!” He yelled as he shoved people. “My woman needs me!”

  I couldn’t help but snort at that last part. Emma would throw one of his drumsticks at him if she heard him refer to her as his “woman”.

  Maddox saw me and ran forward. “Sadie!” He cried. “Where is she?”

  “This way.” I led him down the hall and pointed to her room.

  He didn’t pause as he threw the door open and hurried inside. “Emma.” His whole body sagged as he collapsed beside her bed, taking her hand in his. His body shook and I realized he was crying. She consoled him, saying something softly under her breath, and running her fingers through his hair. I took a step back, feeling like I was invading on an intimate moment between the two. After all, Maddox was about to find out that he was going to be a dad.

  I eased the door closed and slid down against the wall until my butt hit the floor.

  I heard the telltale sound of boots slapping against the linoleum floors and looked up to find Ezra hurrying down the hall. Mathias and Hayes were right behind him.

  “You all came,” I whispered in surprise.

  “Of course we did,” Hayes replied. “We were worried.”

  “Is everything okay?” Ezra asked.

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “It’s fine.” I wasn’t going to tell them about the baby. That was Maddox and Emma’s good news to share.

  Suddenly I felt incredibly tired. I rose shakily to my feet and Ezra grabbed my arm to steady me.

  “I’m fine.” I jerked out of his hold.

  I hated being so angry in a moment like this, but Maddox and Emma’s happiness was my pain. She was getting her happily ever after and riding off into the sunset with her Prince Charming, while mine refused to see that I stood right in front of him open and willing to love him. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep this up.

  I started off down the hallway and Ezra hurried after me. “Sadie, where are you going?”

  He grabbed my shoulder and I skirted away from his touch like I’d been burned. I whipped around in anger. “I can’t keep doing this!” I cried, not caring who heard me. I was done. I wouldn’t put myself through this anymore. I couldn’t make him love me anymore than I could will the ocean to turn pink. Some things just weren’t going to happen ever. I could see now that we were one of those things. “I can’t keep tiptoeing around my feelings like they don’t exist! I can’t fuck you and pretend that it doesn’t mean more to me than some quick satisfaction! I love you! I. Love. You. And I thought maybe you loved me too, but it’s pretty obvious to me that I was wrong.” I wiped at my tear-s
treaked face. Mathias and Hayes stood a few feet away watching our exchange in shock. “I can see that you’re never going to let me into your heart.” I stabbed a finger at his chest and he flinched, but I knew it wasn’t from the pressure. “I’m leaving,” I said the words steadily. “I found a place of my own. So I’ll be out of your place today.”

  Moving out today would be inconvenient, but it had to be done. I’d suck it up and crash at my parent’s house for a few days while I bought furniture and had it delivered to my apartment.

  Ezra stood shell-shocked. His mouth opened and closed as he searched for words. “You don’t need to do this.”

  I flinched. He wasn’t stopping me. He wasn’t saying he loved me.

  “Yeah,” I nodded, “I have to.” I waved a hand at him. “You saying that is exactly why I have to leave. My feelings for you…they’re far more than what you feel for me and I can’t allow myself to get hurt anymore than I already have. I know our deal wasn’t your idea. I take full responsibility; so don’t feel bad, please. I’m a big girl and I knew what I was doing, but I stupidly thought it would help me get over my ridiculous crush on you. I thought if we had sex then you wouldn’t live up to my fantasy, or it would get dull after a while…but it didn’t. It got better and you…well, I think I fell in love with you long before we slept together. If I’m honest with myself I think maybe I loved you even before I met Braden, but I knew you’d never go for someone like me. And I was right.” I took a deep breath. “But I can’t turn my feelings off, so I’m leaving.”

  “Sadie—” He reached for me.

  I took three steps away from him. “No,” I said firmly. “Don’t touch me. Don’t try to stop me. Don’t say anything. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me.”

  He swallowed thickly and he looked like he was in pain. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “I know.” I nodded. “You’re a good guy, Ezra. Really, you are. This isn’t your fault.”

  I turned to go and he whispered, “I don’t want you to go.”

  I closed my eyes and paused for one short second. “I have to.”

  I walked away as fast as my legs would carry me and behind me I heard the guys berating Ezra. I even heard Maddox step out of the room and say, “Dude, if you love her make her yours.”

  But he didn’t love me, because if he did he would’ve never let me walk away.

  I WAS NUMB.

  That was the only excuse I could come up with as to why I wasn’t currently bawling my eyes out. Especially considering all the tears I shed over Braden and I hadn’t loved him the way I loved Ezra.

  God, my life was a fucking mess.

  I stuffed all of my clothes and toiletries into my suitcase. It didn’t take long until there wasn’t a single trace of me left in his house. Selfishly, I hoped a small part of him would miss me. It was stupid, but I wanted him to hurt in someway. Although, his hurt would never compare to the pain I felt when walking out of the hospital and leaving behind my mangled heart crushed in his hands.

  I hurried down the steps, my heavy suitcase clomping behind me.

  I paused in the kitchen and removed his key from my key ring. I tossed it haphazardly on the counter and it clanked against the goldfish bowl. Toby swam into his lime green castle to hide away from the sound.

  “Sorry Toby,” I muttered.

  A part of me wanted to take the fish with me, but I didn’t know the rules when it came to fish-parent custody and I didn’t want him to use that as an excuse to come after me.

  Although, I guessed if he was going to come after me he would’ve followed me here, which he hadn’t.

  “Fuck you, Ezra Collins,” I muttered angrily to myself as I threw open the door, “fuck you and everything you make me feel.”

  Outside I shoved my suitcase into my car.

  When I drove away I didn’t look back.

  I pulled into the driveway of my parent’s home and knocked on the door. I had a key, but I didn’t want to intrude.

  My mom opened the door after only a few seconds.

  “Sadie, is everything okay?” She was surprised to see me.

  “No.” I began to wilt as she pushed open the screen door and pulled me inside. “Everything is a big puddle of suck. Why are boys so stupid?”

  “Aw, Sadie.” She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me fiercely. “Boys never grow up. That’s their problem.”

  “Is it okay if I stay here for a few days?”

  She held me back by my shoulders and nodded. “You can stay here as long as you need to, sweetie. You know that.” She took my hand and led me into the kitchen. “Your dad’s out back starting the grill, but I made brownies this afternoon. Do you want some?”

  I perked up slightly. “Do you have whipped cream?”

  “Of course,” she said, heading to the refrigerator.

  She fixed me a piece of brownie on a plate with whipped cream and chocolate syrup. It was delicious, but it did nothing to fill the gaping hole in my heart.

  The back door slid open and my dad stepped inside. “Hey, Princess.” He greeted me with a kiss on the top of my head.

  My dad was a tall, large, bear of a man. Some people found him scary and intimidating, but he was really a big softy. Especially when it came to my little sister and me.

  He pulled out a chair and sat down beside me. “Have you been crying?” His eyes zeroed in on my face. I was sure my mascara was smudged and my eyes were probably red. When I didn’t answer he huffed, “Okay, who do I need to punch in the face? If it’s that prick you were going to marry I might just run him over with my car.”

  I laughed. Leave it to my dad to make me laugh even when I felt like curling in a ball to die.

  “No, it’s not him.”

  “Richard,” my mom said lightly, “why don’t you take the burgers out and put them on the grill.”

  “But—” He protested.

  “Now, please.”

  “Fine.” He grumbled. He stood and pointed a finger at me. “She might be dismissing me, but I will find out who hurt my baby girl.”

  He grabbed the plate from her and headed out the back door once more, grumbling the whole way.

  “Why don’t we go to the living room?” She suggested. “We’ll be more comfortable in there.”

  “Sure…and do you think I could have another brownie?”

  She laughed and took the plate from me. “You might as well eat them now. Once your dad starts in on them they’ll be gone in minutes.”

  She fixed me another brownie and I followed her into the living room. The couch was a large black leather sectional that they’d had since my siblings and I were kids. There was still a long streak on the back of it from a silver sharpie.

  I sat down and the cushions molded around me.

  “Now, tell me what happened.” My mom sat down beside me and patted my knee gently.

  While devouring my brownie I told her everything. I told her how Ezra had always been there for me, and how great he’d been when I needed a place to say. I even told her about our deal. I explained how I’d always felt around him and how in the past two months I’d discovered that I was in love with him, but that he didn’t feel the same way about me.

  “Honey,” she looked at me sadly, “how would you know he doesn’t love you. Did you ever really give him a chance?”

  I wiped a streak of whipped cream off of my lip. “He had plenty of chances.”

  “Well…” She paused. “He’s a guy, Sadie. You know how boys are with their feelings.”

  “I told him I loved him and he just stood there.” I looked down at the now empty plate.

  “Maybe he was shocked,” she defended.

  “Hey,” I pointed my fork at her, “whose side are you on here?”

  She smiled. “Yours. Always. You know that. But I’ve also seen Ezra enough to know that he’s the quiet, guarded type. You’re…” She paused, searching for the right words. “You’re like a tornado. You blaze through town with this wild energy
, not caring what kind of disruption you cause.” I pouted and she laughed. “That’s not a bad thing, Sadie. I’m just saying he’s different. He’s the quiet moody poet in the corner while you’re the one spinning through the room making a spectacle of yourself. All I’m trying to tell you is not everyone deals with things the same way.”

  I leaned my head back on the couch. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Doesn’t it?”

  I shook my head. “I just want to move past this.”

  She grew quiet and stared at me for a moment. “I think you should talk to him.”

  I grunted in response. “I don’t think so. I did plenty of talking today.”

  “It sounds to me like you didn’t really give him a chance to respond.”

  “No, I didn’t,” I agreed. “But I couldn’t stand there in the middle of a hospital and let his friends hear him shoot me down. I know he would’ve told me that he only ever wanted to be friends and that he was sorry he couldn’t return my feelings.”

  “But how do you know he would’ve said that?” She argued.

  “I just know.” I grumbled. “Look,” I stood up, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  “Okay.” She sat calmly with her hands in her laps. “The conversation is forgotten then.”

  “Good,” I nodded. Wringing my hands together, I smiled sheepishly. “Are you sure it’s okay if I stay here? I found a place of my own, but I need to get furniture and everything.”

  “You know you don’t need to ask.”

  “Thanks, mom.” I lowered and kissed her cheek.

  “Are you still hungry after all of those brownies?” She asked, standing up and heading towards the back door. “I’m sure your dad’s finished with the burgers by now.”

  “Nah,” I shook my head. “Maybe later. I think I’m going to get my stuff and lay down for a bit.”

  “Okay.” She hugged me, the kind of hug that made me feel like I was going to suffocate, but secretly loved. “Everything’s going to be okay.” She took my face in her hands. “You’ll see.”

  “I hope so,” I replied. My mom had never been wrong before, but there was a first time for everything.