“Darling, what they did is not your fault,” Oliver says.
“Isn’t it? I chose those men. A known sociopath who drinks blood and uses people like tissues. Steven had the ability to kill strangers inside him the whole time. And I knew Will had rage inside him. He literally turned into an almost uncontrollable monster monthly. And you’re—” I stop myself from traveling down that road. I close my eyes.
“And I am…” Oliver says quietly. He touches under my chin and my eyes open. His own eyes are sympathetic. “A soulless corpse. A philanderer. A murderer forever embraced by the darkness the whole of humanity fears.”
“You’re not soulless,” I whisper.
“Most would disagree with you,” he says. “But the others? I am. I am literally a creature of the darkness. But my darling…so are you.”
I cringe and close my eyes again. “No.”
“Look at me, Trixie,” he says gently. I obey. “Do you know what would have happened had you galloped off into the sunset with William? What truly would have occurred? Because my darling I see it as clear as a cloudless night. He would have stifled you at every turn. The man was inflexible. It was his way or no way. He lacked creativity, had no imagination, and could not understand those who did. And this was before he was forced into our dark world. He was a creature of the light before his attack, someone who loathed the darkness he now found himself enveloped by. Forced inside him. He was too inflexible to adapt, to embrace its countless beauties. He could not accept he was part of that darkness now and was in constant battle with that part of himself. And if he could not love himself wholly, if he loathed that essence inside himself, how could he ever love you the way you deserved? And how could you love him when you were in the same quagmire of denial and self-loathing?”
“Stop,” I whisper and close my eyes.
He cups my cheek with his cold hand. “Do you remember what I said to you after your first case? When you feared you were a monster?”
“You called me a goddess,” I say with a small smile.
“And in the past year that opinion has not changed. That belief has never wavered.” He pauses. “You asked me how I could not see what you do in me. Yet how can you not embrace all that I see in you? Your strength. Your determination. Your moral compass. Your compassion. Your—”
“Darkness?” I whisper.
“Yes,” he states plainly. “But my darling, what is wrong with darkness? It is beautiful in its own way. Without darkness we would never know the moon and stars exist. That there are fireflies. Never see the majesty of the Aurora Borealis. And without darkness how could we appreciate its contrast? Darkness is not in and of itself wrong. It is not dangerous or evil. Corrupt. It is the only those if you choose to perceive it that way. To wield it as a weapon or use it to harm others. Or you can choose to embrace its complexity. Its depths. Its freedom. Those in the sun view it as different, unfathomable and therefore evil, but it is simply other. And there is nothing wrong with other. There is nothing wrong with you. Your darkness is a part of you, and it does not solely come from your talent. Your gift will always set you apart, yes, but it is not what defines you. It is a tool just as your empathy, your intelligence, and creativity are. And to those in the sun…those are not assets. Most do not possess them and therefore cannot understand them. And my darling, even if you were not born with your gift…you would never belong in their sun. You were not made for an ordinary life, no matter how much you desire to be. Beatrice Alexander, you were meant for an extraordinary life,” he says with a smile.
He wipes away my tears as tender as a kiss with his thumb. “I know this is not what you wish to hear. I know you have always envisioned your life comprised of the PTA and meatloaf you charged toward with William. It is what you have strived for. The light at the end of your tunnel. That you believed you would reach it and all would be right in the world. But it would be a small world. A stifling world that would slowly crush your spirit. Your essence. There would not be a day or even an hour where you would not think ‘There is more out there than this.’” Because you were meant for more. You were meant to influence the lives of others. To protect them. To make an indelible mark.”
“I don’t want that, Oliver,” I say.
“Want and need are two entirely different animals, darling,” Oliver says. “Want threw you into bed with a viper. Need led you to the F.R.E.A.K.S. Where you truly belong. Where you unlocked your strength. Your courage. Your purpose. Who you truly are. A goddess.”
I chuckle wryly. “Right. A goddess of bad decisions and misery. Oliver, I tortured a man. I led you and the squad into a trap. I let Patsy Winsted die. I shot—”
“William. Yes,” he cuts in. “But why did you pull the trigger? You had a moment to decide. In spite of it all, in spite of the fact he was literally tearing me apart, he was the man you loved. The avatar of your bright, brilliant future. You had every reason to shoot him, yes, but every reason not to as well. My ego is not so huge that it was simply you choosing me over him. So why did you?”
“Because…it was the right thing to do. He was killing you for no reason beyond rage. Anyone would have made the same choice.”
“No, they would not,” he states as plain fact. “I would not. If you were murdering someone, even a person I cared about, I could not do what you did. I could not kill you for anything or anyone. Not if there was even half a chance you would return to me. I faced that very dilemma when I found you freeing Adrian Winsted. I could not lay a hand on you, let alone kill you. Your instinct is always to do the right thing, the just thing. I am in awe of that. Just as I am in awe of your way with people. How you make them comfortable with a few sparse words. Your creative mind that makes connections with a few moments of thought. Your natural leadership abilities. Being able to take control during chaos and deftly moving us toward order. I have had over thirty years to hone my investigative skills and on your first case you surpassed even me. Eventually you surpassed our leader William. You solved cases in days that would normally take us weeks and saved dozens of lives in the process. And you came alive with us. You blossomed. You became…a goddess.”
“I don’t want to be a goddess,” I whisper.
“I do not want to have to drink blood every night to survive, but if I did not I would have died over five hundred years ago a poor, desperate, melancholy farmer who loathed himself. It has been torture at times. Hell. There have been moments I wished I had died that farmer. But there have been far, far more moments where I thanked fate or the universe or…Him for that night five centuries ago. And without it…I never would have met you.
“All of life is give and take, my darling. All we can hope for, any of us, is that the good outweighs the evil. You were given a gift from birth that you could wield to help or destroy. But you have that gift and nothing will change that. It is a part of you just as your eyes are. I know what you want, but my darling, it is not what you need.” He takes my hands in his. “And you know it.”
All I have ever wanted, all, is a normal life. A house. Children. A man who adores me. Why can’t I have that? Everyone else does. But not me. Because he’s right. Of course he’s right. I will always be me. No matter where I go in the world, no matter how hard I’ve ever tried, I can never stop being me. I couldn’t stand by and let those vampires attack Connor. I couldn’t stop myself from running full steam ahead in the Lipmann case. In the three months since I left Kansas investigating that murderer was the only time I felt like my old self. People do change, they can at least, but they can’t change everything. Not what’s at their very core. The blind don’t just suddenly see. Gay people cannot change their sexuality. A true sociopath doesn’t wake up able to feel empathy. I will always be different. I will always be a creature of the darkness. I’ve adapted to the light well enough for pure survival, but I will never truly belong there. Not the way I want to. I will always be me. Different. Kind. Damaged. Funny. A killer. A savior. A freak.
I move against Oliver, who inst
antly wraps his arms around me as I do him. I rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry I left without telling you. I’m sorry I made you think I didn’t care about you, for causing you a moment of pain or doubt, because…nothing could be farther from the truth. I think you’re just about my favorite person in this whole wide world, Oliver Smythe Montrose. I’ve never laughed as much as I do with you. I’ve missed you like a drowning woman misses air. Talking to you. Just being in the same room as you. You’re my best friend.” I hug him tighter. “But you’re wrong about one thing. I…don’t deserve you. I don’t. Because you are clever. You are intelligent. And above all, you are kind. You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever known, inside and out. And I am so, so lucky to have you in my life, Oliver. I will never, ever take you or us for granted again. Ever. To the gates of hell, to the valley of death, I will always protect you. I will always adore you. I will always find my way back to you. I will always come for you. Until…my dying day and beyond.”
I pull away to look up at him through the darkness, and I swear his eyes are rimmed red with his own tears. He caresses my hair and smiles. “Trixie…I…”
I know what he wants to say. What every girl wants the man she adores to say. But a part of me doesn’t want him to. I’m too fragile. Too broken for anything but this right now. Will’s love, Connor’s poison are still inside me. It’s not the time. This is too important. Because it can’t be taken back. But a larger part silently prays that he says it. That he kisses my lips until they crack and bleed. That he makes love to me until dawn rises. That we lay in each other’s arms until the world ends. I sense that same hunger in him from his tense body. His fingers digging into my scalp. I know it because I know him. He’s waiting for me to choose. So I have to be the person he thinks I am. The person he deserves. And he deserves what he’s offering, all of me.
I close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulder again. I can’t be another person who uses him for my own selfish needs. “Oliver, I—”
He hugs me tighter. “It is alright,” he whispers, kissing my head. “I know. I understand. We have all the time in the world.”
Of course he knows. Of course he understands.
And once again I fall into sweet sleep safe in the arms of my best friend. My dark angel.
Where I belong.
*
“Oliver…?”
I awake from a dreamless slumber alone. The moment I realize he’s gone all my muscles lock as a surge of adrenaline courses through me. It’s unnatural not being in his arms, not pressed against him in this moment. I don’t recognize my surroundings or why my chest and hand hurt. I’m so terrified I gasp and sit up. A second later my brain reboots enough for it all to come back. Even when it does I still have a hard time breathing regularly. I still need him here. It’s as if I’m skinless, just exposed nerve endings that even the air hurts. Worse, what if Antonia’s done something to him? What if her plan all along was to entrap then force me to fight for her by any means necessary? She’d need Oliver out of the way. Or he could be locked up as leverage to keep me in line. Friends or not I wouldn’t put it past her. I have to find him. Even if there’s a battalion of her minions in the hallway, I’ll go through them all. I have to find him. I climb out of bed.
There’s no army of minions in the dim hallway. In fact there’s nobody. Thank God. The hallway has half a dozen closed doors, most with keypad locks on them. I’m afraid to knock. I don’t want to disturb anyone and get yelled at. Or worse. “H-hello?” I call down the hallway. I hear movement, footsteps, in a room to my right. I stand up straight and tighten my fists, ready to fight if needs be.
The door opens and Antonia’s number two Jin steps out of the room in gray sweats, black hair in need of brushing. He takes one look at me and scowls. “What?”
Yeah, he’s not a fan. As long as he doesn’t attack me, I don’t care. “I-I’m looking for Oliver.”
“I believe he is with Antonia,” Jin says. “Anything else?”
Yeah, I don’t like his attitude. I fold my arms across my chest. “Yeah, you can take me to him.”
“I don’t—”
“I want to see him. Now.”
The side of his mouth curls into a cruel smirk for a moment before he really smiles. “You are the guest, Agent Alexander.” Jin looks back into the room. “Just be a minute, mi amour,” he says, I assume to Alejandro, before closing the door. “Right this way.”
I follow Jin down the hall through the living room then down another small hallway that dead ends to a door with another keypad. I wonder if there’s a security expert who handles all vampire homes. Or they just kill whomever they hire. Jin punches in the code, blocking my line of sight as he does, and we enter a small apartment. The posh living room is far homier than the guest wing’s with a robin’s egg blue accent wall that matches the pillows on the fluffy white couch, arm chair, and circular art deco chandelier above. The only antique is the oil painting of Antonia, I assume from the Renaissance era judging from the square neck blue velvet dress and circular jeweled cap she dons. I wonder if she knew the Borgias and Medici’s. For all I know she’s really Lucretia Borgia and simply changed her name. It would explain a lot.
This thought barely forms when I hear a grunt. Then another. A woman’s moan. A man’s. My gut clenches. No.
The noises call to me. I don’t want to go, I try not to, but I cannot help myself. I cross the living room to the hallway with photos of Antonia and Robin, Antonia, Alejandro and Jin, Antonia and movie stars, even one of Antonia and Oliver in disco garb on the walls as the noises grow louder. The door at the end of the hallway is slightly ajar. Don’t look, Bea. Go back to bed. Don’t. Don’t…
The naked trio lie tangled in bliss, Oliver in the middle with Antonia pinned on the bed underneath him and Robin behind him, setting the rhythm of the event. For all three. Oliver throws his head back in ecstasy, even kissing Robin, before returning his attention to Antonia, kissing her too. Bile literally rises into my throat. I’ve turned around from this horror show before I realize I’ve done it. Thank you, body. I rush past the smirking Jin, and he’s suddenly falling to the floor. That’s what he gets for being a bastard to a telekinetic. He’s lucky I didn’t break his legs like I did Connor’s. I might have except I just want to be away.
When I reach my bedroom I slam the door shut once, twice, but it doesn’t help. After the third time I slide down to the floor against it. At least Jin didn’t see me cry. I managed to hold back the tears until I was in here. The moment my butt hits the floor, I burst into sobs again. I can’t even shut my eyes because all I see is him. Them.
He said he understood. That he’d be patient with me. I’m shocked he waited until I fell asleep. I know I have no reason, no right to feel betrayed, but I want to scream and cry and claw all their faces bloody. How could he do this? To me? To us? I thought we’d…I curl into a ball and hug my knees. Maybe it wasn’t his idea. Maybe he felt he had no choice. Maybe it was the price for my residence here. I don’t know which scenario is worse. God help me I know which one I prefer.
I’m drawn to the darkness, he says because I am a part of that darkness. Perhaps he’s right. And perhaps I should begin embracing that part of myself. To let the abyss inside me spill out and have it devour them all. It’s only fair.
There’s barely any of me left in their wake.
Chapter Fifteen
Checkmate
He never returned. I stayed awake as long as I could but only managed an hour before I couldn’t help myself. When I wake, my body stiff from hours of inactivity, there’s no sign he came back. He usually left me water or a note. He’s probably in there with her, their naked limbs wrapped together, and the moment the sun sets they’ll be ready for another round. Or five. As I get dressed and brush my teeth and hair, I can’t stop thinking about it. Them. After all Connor did to me, after having to literally run for my life, after our gut wrenching talk and all the revelations, walking in on their ménage-a-trois tortur
es me the most.
Once again I’m trapped with nothing but time on my hands. Nothing but my thoughts. I try to watch TV but of course all the crap that is my life practically suffocates me. I can’t even follow the darn Kardashians. I pace around the small space like the caged animal I am. The door isn’t locked but I’m hesitant to leave the relative safety of this room. I don’t know what the rules are. I wish I could go for a walk on the beach—it’s right there—but I know I can’t leave the
building. Connor has to know I’m here by now. He’s smart enough not to storm this place, even in the daylight, but God knows what he’s set in motion regardless. For all I know he has my grandmother, April and the kids locked away. I try their cell phones but they’re off. Smart. It’s easy to track a cell phone when it’s on. I wish I had the number for the hotel, what names they’re registered under, but maybe Antonia moved them. Maybe she’ll use them to keep me in line. I shouldn’t have trusted her with them. I shouldn’t have trusted Oliver about her. She could have bamboozled him just as Connor did me. “Goddamn it!”
I can’t stand it a moment longer. Around ten AM I put on the clothes she gave me, a coral maxi dress and white pashmina with flip flops, and brave the world. The dim lights in the hallway allow me to see a few feet in front of me, but I don’t hear a thing. All the doors are closed too. So much for hospitality. What if I needed medicine? Or what if I were hungry? Okay, I am hungry. I thought Robin was supposed to take care of me. She’s no doubt still asleep after last night’s sexual gymnastics. She gets screwed the fun way and in turn screws me the annoying way. Story of my damn life. I could always knock on their door, heck knock it down with my mind, and demand she make me breakfast but then I’d have to see them together so that’s not really an option. The bar might have food. It’ll definitely have booze.
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