And there, buried in the garden, I found the baby diaries in a sealed glass canister. These Elle did not address to me but to them. Celina was “Dear Angel.” The second was “My Little Darling,” the third was “My Tiny Star,” and Dylan … he was “My Little Love.” I will read the journals then bury them again. I suppose she placed them in the garden as the babies’ epitaphs.
I lay newspaper on the kitchen floor and then bring the three urns inside and set them down. I have not felt this hesitant about anything since I made my first surgical incision. I kneel, open Elle’s urn, and shudder. I console myself by saying, “Stardust. You have no idea how much I miss you, Peep.” I open Dylan’s and transfer his ashes, combining them with Elle’s. “I love you, kiddo. Rest with your mother.” I drop the two meteorite fragments in, then stare at Celina’s urn for a few seconds longer. “Celina, you’d be all grown up. We loved you, too.” I glance inside and see something.
My first thought is that after all this time her ashes have clumped together, but on closer inspection I realize it’s a plastic zip bag with an envelope rolled up inside. I swallow and retrieve it, carefully brushing Celina’s ashes into Elle’s urn.
In Elle’s handwriting, the envelope is addressed to me.
Dr. Matthew Beaulieu
I tear it open:
Dear Matt,
This is what NASA calls the contingency letter. Usually during the quarantine, astronauts write good-byes to the most beloved people in their lives. As I write this letter I’m still at the farmhouse, but my heart is full of you. We spent today riding a roller coaster and walking on the beach. I want you to know I treasured every moment. Those hours were our real good-bye, but I need to leave the words behind. In case. I know what you said on the beach. You don’t want to hear that I could die. But I might. And if you’re reading this, I did.
I don’t want to put you in an awkward position with your fiancée. I know you love her, and I don’t want to leave you a letter that might raise questions and complicate your life, so I’m tucking this missive away where I know you’ll find it discreetly. You made me a promise, and I know you’ll keep it. I know you have kept it because that’s how you found this letter. At the same time, if you want to tell her, it’s fine. You have my blessing.
I understand the risks of what I’m about to do. Space travel is dangerous, but some things are worthy of sacrifice. This is one of them. I’m happy—elated even—to take the chance—to bring the stars closer—to touch a little piece of heaven. How few people experience sheer exultation? I am so very blessed that I have the opportunity to fulfill my dream.
I love you, Matthew. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t. You’ve always been my dearest friend. You were my first love. And the father of the only little baby I’ll ever have. I loved her even though I wasn’t ready for motherhood. We were too young. Thank you for being so good to me then. And thank you for bearing the burden of burying her with me now.
I probably shouldn’t be telling you any of this. After all, you are marrying someone else. But I know a part of you feels the same way about me, and I want to tell you these feelings are not wrong. We have our history together, one which preceded anyone else. It’s not a betrayal of her that you are mourning for me now.
I will take a part of you with me on this mission. You have made me stronger and kinder and more confident. You made my life richer, and I believe I have given you an equal share of my heart.
I’ll still be with you in your memories. Someday you’ll tell your children about this girl you knew who loved the stars so much she flew on a rocket ship intent on fixing an ailing telescope.
You are a tender and kindhearted man. You will make a wonderful husband and father someday. I want you to have a full life. Promise me one more thing. Promise me you will be happy.
All my love,
Peep
Promise to be happy? Jesus. I reread the letter in its entirety again. Obviously Elle wrote it before her mission, when I was still engaged to Carol. Like other things, like the damned advanced directive, she got her affairs in order and left the remnants behind.
It takes me a while to get up off the floor. Another reading. Now I want to tell Elle I never married Carol. I want to tell Elle that Celina was not the only baby she would have. I want Elle to come upstairs and stand at Hope’s doorway and ooh and aah over our sweetest thing. Even now I hold on to my sanity by dipping into denial.
I shake my head. She is gone. I read the letter yet again. It is still the last line that has me in its grip—another promise she is coercing me to make, a promise to be happy.
Hubble pads down the stairs and whines. Hope must be stirring, but she’s not crying yet. I put the dog out into the yard then slide the rest of Celina’s ashes from her urn into Elle’s. “Ashes to ashes, stardust to stardust,” I say.
Upstairs, Hope starts to squawk. After washing my hands, I go to her. “Hey, baby girl,” I say, lifting her out of her crib. She quiets immediately. Little charmer that she is, she knows once she has my attention I’m rapt. She smiles. She glows. She is lightness and happiness. “Okay, Elle. Okay. I promise.”
A diaper change and a warm bottle later, Hope settles into my arms out on the back porch. It’s a radiant spring morning and the scent of lilacs fills the air. The tide is high and the river is full and glimmering. New life comes in the spring. A new life.
I put Hope up to my shoulder for a burp and walk down the steps, scanning the landscape, the garden, the lawn, and the forest. Perhaps it’s a trick of the light, but for a second I see a transient figure among the trees, Elle backlit and smiling. And then she is gone. But she’s still here. In my memories. In my heart. And a part of Elle is in our daughter.
“Hope,” I say. “Once upon a time there was a girl who loved the stars so much she took a ride on a rocket ship …”
Acknowledgments
Truly, I could never have written this novel without the love and support of my family. My husband and sons encouraged me when I wanted to surrender. They gave me time to pursue my dreams. They celebrated my victories and hugged me when I needed to be held. I am a truly fortunate woman to have you as my husband, Tim. Robert, Cole, and Ethan, you are my joy. I love you all.
My sisters, Sherron Small and Lou Symington, each helped with little details in this book. But you both know I owe you for your friendship and strength.
I am indebted to my literary agent, Laney Katz Becker. Her wisdom, insight, and faith made me reach deeper than I thought I could. Thank you so much for your guidance through this process.
I want to express my thanks to the following people: Linda Retstatt, Carol McPhee, Judi Romaine, Verna LaBounty, Deborah Nemeth, Kathleen Lutter. You’ve all taught me so much about writing. And Amy Nathan and Catherine DiCairano, thank you for being early readers and giving me your encouragement and your honest feedback. Maria Imbalzano, thank you for your legal expertise and logical writing mind. Any bumbles made are mine, not yours. Thank you, Mary Otis, for answering my adult ICU questions. I also want to send a shout-out to Dr. Leroy Chiau, who answered a few astronaut questions for me.
I have also depended on the fabulous Backspace Writer’s Forum. Thank you, Karen Dionne and Chris Graham, for creating that community. It has been a haven for me.
Finally, I want to thank my wonderful editor, Emily Krump, for her keen understanding of my characters and their world. Thank you to Julia Meltzer, Martin Karlow, Juliette Shapland, and all the people at William Morrow for their support and enthusiasm.
Author’s Note
Historical Note: I watched the Columbia Space Shuttle disaster with great sadness, and I greatly admire the bravery and dedication of all space explorers before and since.
However, for the sake of this story, I placed Elle’s fictional Atlantis mission in May 2004, fourteen months prior to the actual resumption of the Space Shuttle program. In reality, the Space Shuttle Discovery’s crew made their intrepid return-to-space journey on July 26, 2005. Although
NASA did use Atlantis to repair/upgrade Hubble, it did not do so until 2009, and fortunately the crew’s mission went relatively smoothly.
Finally, it is true that micrometeorites are a risk for astronauts during space walks, but what transpired on Elle’s mission and the rest of the story are fictional events.
In terms of the legal matters presented in this story, laws governing advanced directives and pregnancy vary from state to state. Some forbid the removal of life support when a woman is pregnant. Some base the laws on the viability of the pregnancy. Some do not mention how the matter will be handled at all. I encourage you to find out what the statutes are in your area.
P.S.
Insights, Interviews & More …
About the book
Reading Group Guide
A Conversation with Priscille Sibley
About the author
Meet Priscille Sibley
Read on
Sources
Highlights from the Space Shuttle Timeline
Meteor Watching: A Few of the More Prominent Annual Meteor Showers
About the book
Reading Group Guide
MATT BEAULIEU AND ELLE MCCLURE share a lifelong love, but after an accident leaves her with severe brain damage and no hope of recovery, he agrees to take her off life support until he finds out that she is pregnant. Not everyone believes it is possible to save the baby Elle’s carrying, and some believe it is morally wrong to keep her on the ventilator because she has an advanced health care directive that states that she would never want extraordinary measures taken to extend her life. Matt still wants to try.
1. As a neurosurgeon, Matt immediately realizes that Elle’s brain damage is severe. Why do you think he lets Phil operate? Do you think he betrays Elle by letting Phil do so? What about when Matt decides to keep his wife on life support?
2. Do you think Linney is overstepping her bounds when she opposes Matt’s decision to keep Elle on life support? How much of Linney’s behavior do you think is motivated by her experience as a nurse? Or by guilt over her decision not to intervene when Alice was dying/suffering?
3. As teenagers, Matt and Elle find themselves about to have a baby. What do you think would have happened if Matt had approached his parents for help? Why doesn’t Matt’s dad, Dennis, do anything when he finds out Elle is pregnant? How do you think Hank would have reacted? Do you think Matt could have gone to one of his older brothers?
4. When Elle miscarries the first time, she says a name is important because it is the only thing they will ever be able to give the baby. Do you think it’s important to give a name to grief?
5. Matt wants to keep the court case private, but it becomes a media circus. How much influence does the media have on events like this? How much should they have? Is their involvement an expression of freedom of speech or is it an invasion of privacy?
6. Matt keeps talking to Elle while she’s in the hospital, even though he knows she can’t hear him. Why do you think he does that?
7. Elle says women are stronger because they can discuss their sadness and men feel as though they have to mask their pain and insecurities. Do you think that’s true?
8. Matt describes Adam as a controlling prick, but at another point Matt describes himself as a controlling spouse with a medical degree. Why would Elle choose two men who, on the surface, are quite different from each other? Or are they more similar than Matt believes?
9. Do you think Elle or Linney actually hastened Alice’s death? Do you think Matt would have actually gone to the authorities with Elle’s diary? Would you have given Alice an extra “dose” to relieve her suffering?
10. Matt tried desperately to resuscitate his and Elle’s stillborn son. How do you think that loss affected Matt? Elle? And, as a doctor, was Matt’s “failure” to save the baby a deeper loss for him?
11. Matt does not hold Christopher in high esteem. What do you think the origin of Matt’s animosity is? Do you think Christopher is aware of Matt’s feelings about him? Was Elle?
12. Why do you think Elle never gave Matt her medical power of attorney? Have you made an advanced directive? Who would you designate to make those decisions for you?
13. At the end of the story, Matt sees a fleeting figure in the trees and for a moment he thinks it is Elle. In the aftermath of loss, have you ever briefly forgotten that your loved one is gone? Do you believe some part of them stays with you forever?
14. In some states, pregnancy invalidates a woman’s advanced directive. Are you familiar with the laws in your state? Would you want to be kept on life support if you were pregnant?
A Conversation with Priscille Sibley
The Promise of Stardust is a family story, a love story, and a story that deals with tough—at times unimaginable—moral issues. What inspired you to write this novel?
I love being a nurse, but it isn’t an easy job—not physically, not technically, and certainly not emotionally. We see people in crisis every day, but some situations are worse than others. Years ago I took care of a child who had been in a persistent vegetative state for an extended period of time. He did not respond to his environment. He had no spontaneous movement. He did not breathe or even blink. I don’t think he was suffering, but I didn’t believe that keeping him alive was in his best interest. My understanding was that the family had dissolved under the tension. If they ever visited, I never saw them. While I certainly don’t remember every patient I’ve ever cared for, I’ll always remember him. Nurses will all tell you we carry some patients with us forever. He is one of mine.
Sometime later, in 2004 and early 2005, the headlines were filled with stories about Terri Schiavo, a young woman in Florida who fell into a persistent vegetative state after suffering a cardiac arrest. Her family tried many therapies, but she remained unresponsive. Eventually her husband requested that she be disconnected from her feeding tube and be allowed to die. Her parents objected. A heated court case ensued. Pictures of Terri Schiavo looking like she was smiling were held up by the right-to-life advocates. At the same time doctors showed her CT scans, which indicated that Terri’s brain had severely atrophied. The entire situation disturbed me because, again, I found myself thinking about the child who was unaware of the feel of human contact.
I knew I would not want to live like Terri Schiavo or like that child, and I felt frustrated and sad. What possible good could come from this? What, if anything, could make this worth it? Then I had a “what if?” moment. What if she were pregnant? Of course in Schiavo’s case, it was impossible, but I found I couldn’t ignore my “what-if?” question, and I started to write a story about a man, the wife he loved, a terrible accident, and a family divided by the ethical dilemma of keeping a pregnant woman on life support.
The political issues in the book—right to live, right to die, a mother’s rights versus her unborn child’s, who speaks for the voiceless—are divisive and highly controversial. Did you have any hesitations writing about such timely yet explosive issues? Did this impact the way that you approached the book?
Controversy is definitely inherent in this premise, but I didn’t set out to write a political statement. I set out to write a human story. People get caught up in real ethical dilemmas every single day. What is right or wrong is not always as clear as a pundit’s sound bite. These kinds of decisions are affected by relationships and human frailties and love and denial and the need to hold on to what’s left after a tragedy. And sometimes the answers are not as clear as our principles. I’m not trying to be funny or disrespectful when I say the opinions expressed by my characters are not necessarily my own. They are there for balance. And yes, at times it was difficult for me to write those words. The opinions are there to pose the question: What would you want if this were you? So I created a cast of characters who could speak to different sides of the dilemma. Linney loves helping women give birth to babies, and she loves her son and her daughter-in-law. Yet she’s in a position of having promised her goddaughter—her Catholic go
ddaughter—that she would never let her languish near death. Matt loves his wife, and he wants to do one last thing right for her. He wants their child. He’s clinging to the very unlikely chance he can salvage something from his and Elle’s life together. Adam is still trying to protect Elle. Jake has a cause he believes in and an old friend he wants to help. But I’m not even certain if there is a right or a wrong under the circumstances in which Elle’s family and friends find themselves. Matt picks a course, but I don’t think he’s completely convinced that he has done the right thing even in the very end.
Writing experts often advise people to write what they know. In writing The Promise of Stardust, did you follow this rule? How did you follow this rule, and how did you break away from it? In the cases where you were writing about something new, how did you go about researching and learning about your characters’ worlds?
Ah, the rules! Because this is a work of fiction, I did not know everything my characters would need to know if they were real people. For example, I am not an astronaut. And thankfully Matt, the narrator, is not either. However, Elle was and I needed to learn a little bit about NASA. When my kids were young, I watched an endless number of videos about space, one of which talked about how a micrometeorite could potentially compromise a spacesuit. And so that became fodder for Elle’s adventure. I found the web site and e-mail of an astronaut online. I sent him a question and he kindly responded. (I have to say I love research sometimes. That was one of the coolest things I ever did.)
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