by Martin Tays
Sanford B. Dickerson, from “A History of Collecting”
“This looks like an interesting one. Can you tell me about it?”
“Oh, there’s a great story behind that. Holiday Inn was purchased in 2207, and the name was changed to Holiday-Star. However, due to a clerical error, a single location in Sri Lanka received a single shipment of placemats that had the new company logo, but the old name. There were only a thousand made, and most were unknowingly used in the restaurant. Only three remain, and this is the only one in mint condition. Guess how much this little baby is worth. Go on… guess.”
“No.”
Harold Ann Van Stanton, on “Charlie Varis Interviews”
Chapter 20
“A comfortable old age is the reward of a well-spent youth.”
Lydia M. Child
“Fire in the hab ring. Third quadrant, cabin four. All hands respond.”
Moses’ eyes shot open as the words registered. He jerked upright in bed. It was a move he immediately regretted, as the overhead was just slightly over a meter above the bunk. The impact, though, produced a surprisingly melodious ‘bong.’
Rubbing his forehead, he swung his feet out and carefully stood up. In the background, the recorded announcement calmly continued. “Fire in the hab ring, third quadrant, cabin four. All hands respond. Fire in the hab ring.”
He took a step toward the compartment door then paused, confused, as the words sank in. “Wait… third quadrant? Cabin four? That’s…”
Before he could finish the thought the door burst open and Sandar stepped in, already pulling the trigger on the fire extinguisher she held at port arms. Moses barely managed to shut his eyes before the widening stream of foam caught him full in the face. The nanite based foam promptly congealed and began sucking all available heat from his head in its brainless effort to extinguish the non-existent fire.
He peeled a stiffening slab of the fire fighting foam off the bottom of his face and shivered as he completed his sentence. “… h-h-here. Thu-that’s h-here.”
Sandar peered over the top of the extinguisher. “Moses, are you all right?”
“Well, let’s see. I’m buh-buh-buck nekkid, half asleep, and cuh-covered in heat sca-sca-scavenging ice cuh-cold fire fuh-fuh-foam. N-n-nope. Can’t suh-say as I am.”
“Oh, God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… huh.” Sandar paused, looking down. “So that’s where the mole is.”
“Excuse muh-me?!?”
Doug appeared around the corner, carrying another extinguisher, and promptly started laughing his ass off. Fiona, right behind him, just glanced in and said “Now I know what a naked dandelion looks like.” She leaned in to key the intercom by the door. “Bridge? The fire is, um, ‘contained’.”
“Good response, people.” Mattie replied from the bridge. “Secure from the drill.”
Sandar finally brought the extinguisher down and looked over toward Fiona, who was attempting without too much success to avoid joining the insanely laughing Doug on the ground. Sandar grinned and turned back toward Moses. “Um, that’s just… we’re going to, ummm… ‘bye!” She and Fiona just managed to get out and get the door closed before the giggles overwhelmed them.
Moses stood in the middle of the compartment, head still encased. “Um… h-hello?” When no one replied, he shouted “Fu-fu-fu-fuckers!” and began to gingerly peel the stiffened and frigid foam off of his head.
☼
“You know that that was really mean, right?”
Mattie grinned up at Ami, who was floating by her at the helm station. “You’re just pissed because you didn’t think of it first.”
“True.” Ami replied. “Well, I probably wouldn’t have had Sandar spray him, actually.”
Mattie shrugged. “That was an accident. She thought there really was a fire.”
“Good response, then.”
“I thought so.”
The intercom came to life. “Moses to bridge.”
Mattie glanced up at Ami, then replied in a calm voice. “Yes, captain? How may I help you?”
“Oh, I was just wondering if there were any more surprise drills scheduled for this afternoon.”
“Now, captain. If I announced them, how would they be a surprise?”
“Okay, it’s official. I now regret making you the XO.”
“Then my work here is done.” A new vid window sprang up in front of her, border flashing red to indicate priority. Mattie looked at it for a moment. “Moses? You’d better get up here. Now. You need to see this.” All humor was gone from her voice.
“On my way.” Moses immediately responded. Within thirty seconds he shot in through the hatch, still fastening his shipsuit, and expertly pushed over to the helm. “Another warp signature?”
“Big one. Really big one.” Mattie pointed at the display.
He followed her pointing arm and grimaced. “Crap. They’ve got to be right on top of us. God knows what’ll happen if those warp fields interact.” Moses raised his voice. “Bridge to maneuvering. Kill the drive! Kill the drive now!”
☼
“Command room to Jaason! Disengage the drive mechanism! Immediately!”
T’han-mri’s voice came back. “But… yes, at once, father.” Around them in the control chamber the lights dimmed, then stabilized. “Done. The drive is shut down. May I ask why?”
S’Nhu-gli realized he’d been holding his breath. He exhaled, inhaled deeply and replied. “Your drive detection device seems to work, my dear. Quite well, I might add.”
“We’ve found the humaans?”
“Or they’ve found us.” General K’har-atah interjected. He turned to the scientist. “The interloper has, unfortunately, far better imaging capabilities than we have here. I believe you should go up there and be my eyes in this, priest.”
“Of course.” S’Nhu-gli turned to the intercom. “T’han-mri? Start scanning the area. See if you can find their ship. Maker grant they turn their drive off, too, or we could be in serious danger.”
“Yes, father.” The reply came. “And I’m sure they have. This is their technology, after all. They know what they’re doing.”
☼
“I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“You’re looking for a spaceship. Duh.” Moses pushed over to the navigation station, reached over Sandar’s shoulder, and brought up a large 3D window. “Here we are. And somewhere in this volume is the probe.”
“Jesus, Moses, that’s almost four hundred klicks across.” Sandar looked up, appalled. “You’re talking, what, thirty million cubic kilometers?”
“And a smidge, I think. But there should be a heat signature, and they’re going to be radiating energy out the wazoo.”
Ami glanced over. “Technically, which end of the ship is the wazoo?”
Mattie interrupted from the helm. “Just how do we know that the aliens are on the probe? That it’s not just the probe running around, doing, you know… probey things?”
Moses looked over. “The drive shut down the instant we were in range. That says that there’s a brain over there. My guess is that they got on board and figured out how to make it go.”
“Okay. I think I understand.” Sandar was working her way through the display, scanning each sector. “This is going to take a while, though.”
“We’ve got somewhere else to be?”
“Well, I’ve got a four forty five hairdresser’s appointment.” Mattie supplied helpfully. Moses ignored her.
“Maneuvering to Bridge.”
“Bridge here.” Moses glanced up at the new vid window. “What’s up, Leo?”
“Look, I know we’re just lowly engineering scum back here,” Leo grumbled from engineering, “but do you think someone might explain to us just what the hell is going
on up there?”
“You’re not lowly engineering scum. You’re the best engineering scum around.” Moses replied. “Sorry. We’ve been a little busy. Did you know that back when the automobile was first invented, there were two cars in the entire state of Montana?”
“What in the name of…” Leo paused, then blinked. “Oh, wait, let me guess. They collided?”
“You’ve got it. Because God has a sense of humor.”
“I’ve always thought so.” Leo said. “Hey! You mean that… are you saying we hit them?”
“Not quite, but we came awfully damn close. We’re dead in space, now, and trying to find them. And they us, I suppose.” Moses turned toward the navigation console. “Any luck, Sandar?”
“Well, I don’t know.” She looked up from the display. “What exactly does the probe look like?”
Cath leaned into the display from engineering, speaking over Leo’s shoulder. “It’s about twenty meters long and about half that in the other dimensions. Smooth, silver. Should be reflective as hell.”
“Oh. Okay.” Sandar looked back at her console. “So we’re not looking for a hundred and eighty meter long, gray and black ship with all sorts of antennas and things. Right?”
The bridge was dead quiet for a moment. Moses finally found his voice. “That… that would probably do, Sandar.”
“Oh, good. Then they’re right there.”
He pushed over to the display, zoomed in on the ship and studied it. “Huh. That’s… huh. Damn. Cath? You seeing this?”
“Yeah.” She replied from engineering. She sounded astonished. “They integrated the probe into their ship. That’s clever.”
Moses nodded. “Yeah. Damn clever.”
“Also dangerous ― that kind of dangerous that’ll make your sphincter squint.”
“Pardon me for interrupting,” Mattie interrupted from the helm. “But that’s just… ew.”
The engineer ignored her. “That test drive wasn’t designed for that much mass. They’re taking a chance every time they turn it on.”
“I guess.” Moses replied absently. He looked back at the viewscreen for a moment, then turned back. “Cath.”
“Yeah, Moses?”
He pointed. “That’s an alien ship.”
She nodded. “That’s right, dear.”
“There’s aliens on board it.”
“Well, I hope so. I’d hate to have come this far to find the Girl Scouts out on a field trip.”
“I don’t know.” He replied, grinning. “I could use some Thin Mints, right now.”
“Can’t you two take anything seriously?” Mattie asked from her station.
Moses looked at Cath in the vid window. Cath just shrugged. They both turned to Mattie and spoke simultaneously. “No.”
“Right.” She looked over at Moses. “So. What do we do now, captain?”
“I think we should go over and say ‘hi’. Cath?” He turned back to the engineer. “Shut down the hab ring. We’ve got to use the maneuvering drive.”
“Already on it. Shipwide. Engineering to all. We’re killing rotation. You’ve got two minutes to secure. Out.”
Moses went over to the helm. “Okay, Mattie, we need to approach them obliquely ― no need to scare ‘em. Aim to put us about a klick away.”
“Not a problem. Moses?”
“Yeah?”
She stared at the display as she replied, her voice full of wonder. “That’s an alien ship out there.”
He smiled. “Yeah. Cool, isn’t it?”
☼
S’Nhu-gli stared at the vid window in awe. The humaan ship had approached slowly, aiming slightly off from the ship ― for which he was eminently grateful ― and came to a precise halt only a short distance away.
“Father?” T’han-mri floated by him, watching the image. “That’s an alien ship out there.”
“Indeed it is, my child.” He turned and looked at her. “You’re surprised?”
“Of course not… okay, yes. Yes, I am. It’s one thing to have their handiwork.” She looked over at him in wonder. “It’s another to have them fly up and knock at your entryway.”
“I take your point.” In the viewscreen, a small shuttle craft separated from the humaan ship. “And I see that they have decided to make the first approach. Reasonable.” He pushed over to the intercom. “General, are you seeing this?”
“Yes. Please meet me in the docking bay.”
“Of course.” He paused a moment, then continued in a concerned tone of voice. “You’re allowing their shuttle to enter our ship?”
“If they are in the shuttle bay, and the hatch is closed, then we have the advantage, wouldn’t you say?”
“Indeed. That is excellent planning, general.”
The general snorted. “I’m pleased I have your approval. What about language? You can speak with them, correct?”
“Actually, general, I have made little progress in learning their spoken language. It seems completely different from the written one. However, T’han-mri has been studying it diligently, and believes that she can communicate in it.”
“Good. They are nearly here, priest. Get down to the bay.”
“Immediately.” He snapped off the intercom and looked over at his daughter. She paused, took a deep breath, and turned to meet his eyes. He gestured toward the hatch. “Let’s go meet the humaans.”
☼
“That is one big-ass ship.” Moses brought the shuttle to a halt with a squirt of his maneuvering thrusters and studied the alien vessel.
“Not a bad design, though.” Cath replied from the copilot’s station. Behind them, Ami and Sandar sat strapped into their seats. Everyone else had protested at being left behind, but Moses had been adamant.
“Enough people stay behind to get the ship home. Period. You’ll all get a chance to meet the BEMs later. Sandar is going because she found them. Cath’s going because she would quite literally kill me if she didn’t get to go.” Cath had nodded agreeably at this.
“And Ami?” Asked Leo.
“Because I said so.”
“Fine. I never get to have any fun.” Leo had grumbled, but finally given in.
Cath was pointing at the bow of the ship. “Look… they made it in sections. No hab ring, either, so it’s all zero g.” She looked over at him. “They threw this together in a hurry, Moses.”
“Yeah. Good work, though. Um.” Moses pointed toward a multi-ringed tube emerging from the bow of the ship. “Is that what I think it is?”
“If you think it’s a rail gun, then… yeah.” Cath nodded. “That’s what you think it is.”
“Crap. Make a note: let’s not piss these people off.”
“Good idea. Thanks.” She looked out of the viewport toward the stern. “Something’s happening.”
Moses turned to look out and saw a hatch opening. A large hatch. A utilitarian looking shuttle, slightly bigger than they one they were in, was jetting out. It stopped just outside of the hatch, turned, and glided up the side of the ship to halt at a docking collar and latch on.
He looked back at the two in the back. “Well, it looks like an invitation to me.” Moses turned back toward Cath. “They’ve got a shuttle bay. That’s not fair. How come we don’t have a shuttle bay?”
“We decided to go for mag wheels and the two tone paint job, instead. You realize what the bay means, right?”
“Yeah.” He replied, looking back toward the open bay. “We’ll be trapped. And they’ll know it.” Cath nodded. “You still want to go through with this?”
She looked out at the alien ship as she answered. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Thought you’d say that.” He turned to look back at the two behind them. “You two okay with it?”
Ami looked at the expression on Sandar’s face, then spoke for them both. “Let’s go.”
Moses grinned. “Well, all right, then.” He gently eased them over to the open hatch and guided it through. There was enough room inside for a couple of shuttles. He picked an open area and set down on it just as the bay hatch shut. The nanoadhesive pads on the shuttle’s extended legs ― great, heavy duty versions of the material on the soles of their grippy shoes ― grabbed the floor. Moses took a deep breath and killed the engines.
“So. Everyone remember where we parked.” He turned in his seat and looked back at Ami, who was busy at the flight engineer’s station. “What’cha got?”
“They’re pressurizing.” Ami replied. “It’s stabilized at… just under a thousand torr. Call it an atmosphere and a third.”
“And the air is…?”
“Nitrogen, mainly. About seventy eight percent. A bit over. Oxygen, about seventeen percent. Lot of trace gasses. Nothing dangerous.” She looked up. “We can breath it.”
“Should we?” Sandar asked.
Moses looked over at Cath. Cath looked out of the shuttle window at the bay, then looked back and shrugged. He turned to answer Sandar. “Yeah. We should. Personally, I believe we’re going to be a lot less threatening in shirt sleeves.”
“That’s what I was thinking.” The engineer added.
Moses nodded. “The idea still scares the piss out of me.”
“So?” Cath responded.
“So we’ll do it, anyway.” He shrugged. “It’s good to be scared, sometimes. That way you know that you’re alive.”
Cath turned to stare at him. “That’s quite possibly the stupidest thing you’ve ever said, Moses.”
