by Jean M. Auel
She had begun encouraging and directing Racer by voice, whistle, and signal while riding Whinney, but whenever she thought she should start getting him used to carrying a rider, it made her think of Jondalar and she held off. It wasn't so much a conscious decision as a delaying tactic, and a wild wish that everything would somehow work out as she had once hoped, and that Jondalar would train him and ride him.
Jondalar was thinking much the same thing. On one of their chance meetings, Ayla had encouraged him to take Whinney out for a ride, insisting that she was too busy, and that the horse needed the exercise after the long winter. He'd forgotten what sheer excitement it was to race into the wind on the back of a horse. And when he saw Racer pounding along beside him, and then pulling ahead of his dam, he dreamed of being on the young stallion's back riding beside Ayla and Whinney. Though he could generally direct the mare, he felt she was simply tolerating him, and always felt uneasy about it. Whinney was Ayla's horse, and though he eyed the brown stallion and felt a real affection for him, in his mind, Racer was Ayla's, too.
As the weather warmed, Jondalar thought more about leaving. He decided to take Talut's advice and ask for his future claim from Tulie in the form of much-needed clothing and traveling equipment. As the headman had suggested, Tulie was delighted to relieve her obligation so easily.
Jondalar was tying a belt around his new deep brown tunic when Talut strode into the cooking hearth. The Spring Festival would be the day after next. Everyone was trying on finery in preparation for the big day and relaxing after sweatbaths and a dunk in the cold river. For the first time since he left home, Jondalar had a surplus of well-made, beautifully decorated clothing as well as backpacks, tents, and other traveling gear. He had always enjoyed good quality, and his appreciation was not lost on Tulie. She had suspected all along, and now was convinced, that whoever the Zelandonii were, Jondalar came from people of high status.
"It looks like it was made for you, Jondalar," Talut said. "The beadwork across the shoulders falls just right…"
"Yes, the clothes do fit well, and Tulie was more than generous. Thanks for the suggestion."
"I'm glad you decided not to leave right away. You'll enjoy the Summer Meeting."
"Well… ah… I'm not… Mamut…" Jondalar struggled for words to explain why he had not gone when he first planned to.
"…and I'll make sure you are invited on the first hunt," Talut continued, assuming that Jondalar had stayed because of his counsel and invitation.
"Jondalar?" Deegie said, a little shocked. "From the back I thought you were Darnev!" She walked around him, with a smile on her face, looking him over. She liked what she saw. "You shaved," she said.
"It's spring. I decided it was time," he said, smiling back, his eyes telling her that she was attractive, too.
She was caught by his blue eyes, and his compelling attraction, then laughed, and decided it was time he was cleaned up and in decent clothes. He'd been looking so scruffy in his straggly, untrimmed beard and Talut's hand-me-downs, she'd forgotten how handsome he was.
"You wear that outfit well, Jondalar. It suits you. Wait until you get to the Summer Meeting. A stranger always gets a lot of attention, and I think the Mamutoi women will want to make you feel very welcome," Deegie said, with a teasing smile.
"But…" Jondalar gave up trying to explain that he wasn't planning to go to the Summer Meeting with them. He could tell them later, when he left.
He tried on another outfit after they left, one more suited to traveling or everyday wear, then went outside looking for the headwoman to thank her again, and show her how well the clothes fit. In the entrance foyer, he met Danug, Rydag, and Wolf just coming in. The youth was holding Rydag with one arm and Wolf with the other. They had a fur wrapped around them and their hair was still damp. Danug had carried the boy up from the river after their sweatbath. He put them both down.
"Jondalar, you look good," Rydag signaled. "All ready for Spring Festival?"
"Yes. Are you?" he signed back.
"I have new clothes, too. Nezzie make for me, for Spring Festival," Rydag replied, smiling.
"For the Summer Meeting, too," Danug added. "She made new clothes for me, and for Latie and Rugie."
Jondalar noticed that Rydag's smile faded when Danug talked about the Summer Meeting. He didn't seem to look forward to the big summer gathering as much as the others.
When Jondalar pushed back the heavy drape and started out, Danug, not wanting the words to be heard, whispered to Rydag, "Should we have told him that Ayla is right outside? Every time he sees her, he runs away from her."
"No. He want see her. She want see him. Make right signals, wrong words," Rydag signed.
"You're right, but why can't they see it? How can they make each other understand?"
"Forget words. Make signals," Rydag replied, with his un-Clanlike smile, then picked up the wolf puppy and carried him into the lodge.
Jondalar discovered what the youngsters didn't tell him the moment he stepped out. Ayla was outside the front entrance with the two horses. She had just given Wolf to Rydag to take care of, and she was looking forward to a long, hard ride to work off the tension she was, feeling. Ranec wanted her agreement before the Spring Festival, and she couldn't make up her mind. She hoped the ride would help her think. When she saw Jondalar, her first reaction was to offer to let him ride Whinney, as she had done before, knowing that he loved it, and hoping that his love of the horses would bring him closer to her. But she wanted to ride. She had been, anticipating it, and was just ready to leave.
When she looked at him again, she caught her breath. He had scraped off his beard with one of his sharp flint blades, and he looked so much the way he did when they were in her valley the previous summer it made her heart pound and her face flush. He reacted to her physical signals with unconscious signals of his own, and the magnetic pull of his eyes drew her.
"You have removed your beard," Ayla said.
Without realizing it, she had spoken in Zelandonii. It took him a moment before he realized what was different, then, he couldn't help but smile. He hadn't heard his own language in a long time. The smile encouraged her, and a thought came to her.
"I was just going out to ride on Whinney, and I have been thinking that someone needs to start getting Racer used to a rider. Why don't you come with me and try to ride him? It's a good day for it. The snow is almost gone, new grass is coming in, but the ground is not so hard yet, in case someone falls off," she said, rushing ahead before something happened that would make him change and become distant again.
"Uh… I don't know," Jondalar hesitated. "I thought you would want to ride him first."
"He's used to you, Jondalar, and no matter who rides him first, it would help to have two people. One to calm and settle him while the other gets on."
"I suppose you're right," he said, frowning. He didn't know if he should go out on the steppes with her, but he didn't know how to refuse, and he did want to ride the horse. "If you really want me to, I guess I could."
"I'll go and get a lead rope, and the guider you made for him," Ayla said, racing to the annex before he could change his mind. "Why don't you start walking them up the slope?"
He began to have second thoughts, but she was gone before he could reconsider. He called the horses to him and started up to the broad flat plains above. Ayla caught up with them when they were near the top. She had a haversack and a waterbag as well as the halter and a rope. When they reached the steppes, Ayla led Whinney to a mound she had used before when she let some of the members of the Lion Camp, particularly the younger ones, ride the mare. With a practiced leap, she was on the back of the hay-colored horse.
"Get on, Jondalar. We can ride double."
"Ride double!?" he said, almost in a panic. He hadn't considered riding double with Ayla, and was ready to bolt.
"Just until we find a nice open stretch of flat ground. We can't try it here. Racer might run into a gully or down the slope," she said.
/>
He felt caught. How could he say he wouldn't ride double with her for a short distance? He walked to the mound, and carefully sat astride the mare, trying to sit back and avoid touching Ayla. The moment he was on, she signaled Whinney into a fast trot.
There was no preventing it. Try as he might, on the jouncing horse, he could not keep from sliding next to her. He could feel the warmth of her body through their clothing, smell the light pleasant odor of the dried cleansing flowers she used for washing, mixed with her familiar feminine scent. With each step the horse took, he felt her legs, her hips, her back pressed against him, and felt his manhood rise in response. His head was whirling, and he fought with himself to keep from kissing her neck, reaching around to hold a full, firm breast.
Why did he agree to this? Why didn't he put her off? What difference did it make if he ever rode Racer? They would never ride together. He had heard people talking; Ayla and Ranec were going to announce their promise at the Spring Festival, and afterward, he would leave and start on his long Journey home.
Ayla signaled Whinney to stop. "What do you think, Jondalar? There's a good flat stretch ahead."
"Yes, it looks fine," he said quickly, and pulling his leg back around, jumped down.
Ayla lifted her leg over and slid off the other side. She was breathing fast, her face was flushed, her eyes glittering. She had breathed deeply of his man smell, melted into the warmth of his body, and shivered when she felt the hard, hot bump of his manhood. I could feel his need, she thought. Why was he in such a hurry to get away from me? Why doesn't he want me? Why doesn't he love me any more?
On opposite sides of the mare, they both tried to compose themselves. Ayla whistled for Racer, a whistle different from the one she used to call Whinney, and by the time she had patted him, and scratched him, and talked to him, she was ready to face Jondalar again.
"Do you want to put the guiding straps on his head?" she asked him, leading the young stallion toward a pile of large bones she noticed.
"I don't know. What would you do?" he said. He was also in control of himself again, and beginning to get excited about riding the young horse.
"I never did use anything to guide Whinney, except the way I moved, but Racer is used to being guided by the straps. I think I would use them," she said.
They both put the halter on Racer. Sensing something, he was friskier than usual, and they stroked and patted him to calm him down. They stacked up a couple of mammoth bones to give Jondalar something to stand on to mount the horse, then led the young horse beside them. At Ayla's suggestion, Jondalar rubbed his neck, and his back, and down his legs, and leaned across him, scratching him and stroking him, and getting him entirely familiar with the feel of the man.
"When you first get on him, hold him around the neck. He may rear to try to shake you off his back," Ayla said, trying to think of last-minute advice. "But he did get used to carrying the load on the way back from the valley, so he may not have much trouble getting used to you. Hold the lead rope, so it doesn't fall on the ground and trip him, but I would just let him run, wherever he wants to go, until he gets tired. I'll follow on Whinney. Are you ready?"
"I think so," he said, smiling nervously.
Jondalar stood on the big bones, leaned across the shaggy, sturdy animal, talking to him, while Ayla held his head. Then he eased a leg across his back, settled himself down, and clasped his arms around Racer's neck. When he felt the weight, the dark stallion laid his ears back. Ayla let go. He leaped up on his hind legs once, then he arched his back, trying to dislodge the load, but Jondalar held on. Then true to his name, the young horse broke out in a fast gallop and raced across the steppes.
Jondalar squinted into the cold wind, and felt a tremendous upsurge of sheer exhilaration. He watched the ground blur beneath him, and couldn't believe it. He was actually riding the young stallion, and it was every bit as exciting as he had imagined it would be. He closed his eyes and felt the tremendous power of the muscles bunching and straining beneath him, and a sense of magical wonder washed over him, as though for the first time in his life, he was sharing in the wonder and creation of the Great Earth Mother Herself.
He felt the young horse tiring, and, hearing other hoof-beats, opened his eyes to see Ayla and Whinney racing beside him. He smiled his wonder and delight at her, and the smile she returned made his heart pound faster. Everything else faded to insignificance for the moment. Jondalar's entire world was an unforgettable ride on the back of a racing stallion and the achingly beautiful smile on the face of the woman he loved.
Racer finally slowed, then drew to a halt. Jondalar jumped off. The young horse stood with his head hanging down almost to the ground, feet spread apart, sides heaving as he breathed hard. Whinney pulled up and Ayla jumped down. She took some pieces of soft leather out of the haversack, gave one to Jondalar, to rub down the sweaty animal, then she did the same for Whinney. The two exhausted horses crowded close together, leaning on each other for reassurance.
"Ayla, as long as I live, I'll never forget that ride," Jondalar said.
He hadn't been so relaxed for a long time, and she felt his excitement. They looked at each other, smiled, laughed, sharing the wonder of the moment. Without thinking, she reached up to kiss him, he started to respond, then suddenly, he remembered Ranec. He stiffened, withdrew her arms from around his neck.
"Don't play with me, Ayla," he said, his voice hoarse with control, as he pushed her away.
"Play with you?" she said, hurt filling her eyes.
Jondalar closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, shook with the strain of trying to maintain control. Then, suddenly, like an ice dam bursting, it was too much. He grabbed her, kissed her; a hard, mouth-bruising, desperate kiss. The next instant she was on the ground, his hands beneath her tunic, tearing at her drawstring.
She tried to help him, to untie it for him, but he couldn't wait. Impatiently, he grabbed at the waist of her soft leather leggings with both hands, and with the strength of denied passion that could be denied no more, she heard the ripping as he tore out the seams. He fumbled with the opening to his own trousers, then he was on top of her, wild in his frenzy, as his hard, throbbing shaft probed and searched.
She reached down to help guide him, feeling her own excitement mount as she realized what he so desperately wanted. But what was driving him to such ardent fury? What caused this craving need? Couldn't he see that she was ready for him? She had been ready for him the whole winter. There was never a time that she wasn't ready for him. As though her body itself had been trained from childhood to respond to his need, his signal, he had only to want her for her to want him. That was all she had been waiting for. Tears of need and love were in her eyes; she had waited so long for him to want her again.
With a passion as much denied as his, she opened to him, welcomed him, gave to him what he thought he was taking. She thrilled to the sensation of his long, hard member seeking her depths, filling her. He pulled back, and she hungered for him to return, to fill her again. She pushed to meet him when he did, pushed herself against his warm shaft, and felt the feeling deep inside tingle and grow. She arched her back to feel his movement, to press her place of Pleasure against him, to meet him again.
He cried out with the unbelievable joy of her. He had felt that way from the first time. They fit together, matched each other, her depth for his size, as though she was made for him, and he for her. O Mother. O Doni, how he had missed her. How he had wanted her. How he loved her. He drove in, felt the warm, wet caress of her enfold him, take him in, reach for more, until his full shaft was buried within her.
Deep surges of Pleasure washed over him, coming in waves that matched his movements. He dove in again, and again, as she reached for him, hungered for him, ached for him. With wild abandon, with no restraint, he came back, and back to her, faster and faster, and she met him every time, felt her tension grow with his, until the peak, the crest, the last wave of Pleasure broke over them both.
He rested on
top of her, in the middle of the open steppes just burgeoning with new life. Then suddenly he clutched her, buried his head in her neck, and cried her name. "Ayla, oh, my Ayla, my Ayla."
He kissed her neck, kissed her throat, kissed her mouth, then kissed a closed eye. Then he stopped, as abruptly as he began. He pulled up and looked down at her.
"You're crying! I've hurt you! O Great Mother, what have I done?" he said. He jumped up and looked down at her, lying on the bare ground, her clothes torn. "Doni. O Doni, what have I done? I forced her. How could I do such a thing? To her, who only knew this pain in the beginning. Now I have done it to her. O Doni! O Mother! How could you let me do it?"
"No, Jondalar!" Ayla said, sitting up. "It's all right. You didn't hurt me."
But he wouldn't hear her. He turned his back, not able to look at her, and covered himself. He could not turn back. He walked away, angry at himself, filled with shame, and remorse. If he couldn't trust himself not to hurt her, he would have to stay away from her, and make sure she stayed away from him. She is right to choose Ranec, he thought. I don't deserve her. He heard her get up and go to the horses. Then he heard her walking toward him, and felt her hand on his arm.
"Jondalar, you didn't…"
